Damn, I have changed.
CHAPTER 12
REAL
Hunter
My brother and I are doing the dishes together while my girl’s in my bedroom, studying. I can’t wait to get in that room with her. Not only because my cock is ready to fuck some more, but also because I’d love to get away from this awkward situation as fast as possible.
My brother hasn’t talked to me since he got back. All he did was stare, groan, and frown, even while eating dinner. He didn’t even thank me for cooking, which makes him even more of an asshole.
Even so, I do understand why he’s so mad at me. I wish I could make him happy, but I can’t. What he wants for me and what I can actually achieve are two entirely different things that just won’t stop clashing.
Jessie’s drying the dishes quite roughly while I wash them with a sponge. We’re both going at it like crazy, throwing all our anger into this chore. The more I clean, the angrier I get, and soon, the water splashes all over the floor because I’m throwing things into the water.
“Fuck!” Jessie yells. “Now my socks are wet.”
“Should’ve moved out of the way then.”
“Oh, fuck you. You could just be careful. How about that?”
“I could be a lot of things, except that.” I shove the knives and forks into the water, the clattering noise louder than my brother’s voice. Good. I don’t want to hear his whining.
He puts the plate down in the cupboard with a lot of noise. “Maybe you could, if you only tried.”
“Goddammit, Jessie!” I throw the dishes into the water. “Can’t you see I tried everything?”
“No, I wasn’t there, if you hadn’t noticed,” he spits.
“No, you were in jail, and I was trying to get you out. That’s why my grades were so horrible.”
“I never asked you to get me out. I told you to stay out of it.”
“And I did what I had to. I’m still doing what has to be done, which is find a job so I can pay back all these loans, pay the bills, so we can finally have some money to afford something.”
“We didn’t need to be able to afford anything, as long as you stayed in college.”
“I dropped out, and there’s no going back. Just face it, Jessie. I’m not going back there. I’m not going to pretend for one more second I’m someone I can’t be. I can’t study, and I won’t graduate. I can’t be what you want me to be.”
“Hunter …” He sighs and puts the towel on the countertop.
“No, just let me finish,” I say, wiping my hands on the towel. “I’m not cut out for school. The only thing I’m good at is fighting and hard labor. So instead of sitting around at college, wasting my time with a no-good brain, I decided it was time for me to take matters into my own hands.”
“Quitting college doesn’t help our financial situation, and you know that,” Jessie snaps.
“I’m going to find a job and help out around here,” I say. “That’s what I’m going to do.”
“What job? Since when do they grow on trees? Because if that’s the case, please point me in the right direction so I can pluck a few myself,” he sneers, leaning against the countertop.
I make a face. “I’ll find something. I don’t care what. I’ll find it, and I’ll make it work.”
“Right …” Jessie turns around and starts drying the dishes again, but I’m not done yet.
I place my hand on his shoulder and turn him around. “Please. Just let me do this. Trust me.” The look in his eyes softens.
“I need you behind me, so just give it a chance, okay?” I say.
My brother briefly closes his eyes, rubbing them with his fingers before letting out a long, drawn-out sigh. “All right. If this is what you really want, I won’t stop you.”
I squeeze his shoulder to make him feel that I didn’t intentionally disappoint him, and that I’m trying to do my best to make it work. “I won’t let you down. I promise.”
♥♥♥
The next day
Being open to her is something I struggle with, but I am trying my best to show her who I really am. I want to share my thoughts with her, but I don’t know when I should bring it up. To me, talking about my problems is a heavy subject and not something to be taken lightly. I hate talking about them, so when I do, it fucking tears me apart. She’ll have to witness all that shit I spew, and I’m not sure I want her to see all that.
However, again and again she’s shown me she’s capable of getting me through it. She’s not afraid of me when I’m at my lowest point. She doesn’t walk away from me when she sees my fucked-up life, and it seems almost as if it gives her more reasons to stay with me.
That’s why I’m starting to believe she might actually love me for who I am. That she might be able to really accept me, no matter what happens. I’d like that.
But I know that to keep our spark alive, I have to invest, and sometimes it scares the shit out of me. Showing her the deepest, darkest parts of me terrifies me, because sometimes I still think it’s enough to have her walking. I couldn’t bear to lose her. Not anymore.
This is where it becomes a double-edged sword. If I tell her more, I risk losing her because of all the crap that involves me and my brother. But she told me she wanted to know more about me, and that she’d like to talk more. I want to make her happy, but I don’t want to lose myself in the process.
I grunt and sigh loudly. Relationships are so fucking difficult. Now I remember why I never had them.
We’re in Jessie’s car, driving toward her house. Yesterday my Leafy told me she wanted to introduce me to her parents. I winced at the thought. Not because of her parents, I don’t even fucking know them, but more because I’m not in the mood to be scrutinized and judged. Especially not by her parents.
The problem is her face. That petite, cute, doe-eyed face and that fucking pout she puts on the moment she mentions anything she wants to do. It’s hard to resist. When I said I was pussy-whipped, I meant it. I’d do anything to make her happy, to see that smile on her face, and fuck me, I agreed to meeting her parents.
Now, I’m sitting here, wishing I’d just said ‘No’ and been done with it. Sure, she might’ve been a little mad, but I’d have fucked her against the wall to shut her up, pleased her until she could no longer walk, and made her forget about even wanting to go to her parents’ in the first place.
Stuck in this car, I hit the gas, letting out all my frustration on the pedal. This was not a good idea. Next time I should listen to my dick instead of my heart, because my heart always makes it difficult, and my dick never fucks up. My dick only fucks. Period.
Seriously, I’m so fucking anxious right now. I want to make a good impression because I’m dating their daughter, but at the same time I already know I will screw it up one way or another. Maybe I should just drop the bomb from the get go. Maybe say ‘Hey, I’m Hunter, and I have a brain defect that prevents me from actually learning something, but I can fight! That’s a good thing, right?’. The more I think about it, the less confident about myself I become.
“You okay?” she suddenly asks.
I briefly glance sideways, only to catch her looking at me with those pretty blue eyes that make my heart go crazy. My frown immediately lifts as I see myself in the rearview mirror looking like a grizzly bear.
“Yeah …” I mutter, letting out a huge sigh. “Just a little nervous.”
I don’t want to be angry around her. She’s not the cause of it, and she shouldn’t have to be around it all the time. But I can’t help feeling pissed all the time either. It’s like my past, my present, and my future are all coming together in one huge mess, and I’m left on my own to figure out what to do with my life. It frustrates me to no end that I don’t know what to do with myself, not with college, not with my brother, not with my girlfriend. I feel like a ticking time bomb, ready to go off, and I don’t want her to get caught in the middle of the shrapnel storm.
I need to find something I can do and ac
tually make a difference. Something that can keep me busy, where I can release all the coiled-up adrenaline, and with which I can make her proud of me. Something that’ll make me feel good about myself again.
“We’re here,” she says, pointing at a small white-picket-fence house that seems to be withering away. The white paint on the walls and fence has become a dirty shade of gray, and there are chips hanging loose everywhere. I can tell from a distance the roof is broken, because there are roof tiles lying in the grass outside. Somehow it reminds me of my own house when my mother was still there, and that’s not something I’d like to relive. However, it clearly shows my Leafy has had as much of a bad start as I did. Maybe even worse. I don’t know a whole lot about her before she was with me, but I am getting more and more curious.
We park the car somewhere close to her house. My stomach feels twisted as we get out, and she runs to my side to grab my hand, lacing her fingers through mine. She glances up at me and smiles the cutest smile, warming my heart, relaxing me a little, but then it quickly disappears again. She looks worried. Her eyebrows are drawn together, and she squeezes my hand tight as we walk to her home.
“It’s gonna be okay,” she says.
I chuckle a little. “Are you telling me that or are you trying to convince yourself first?”
Hey eyes dart up to meet mine, looking slightly caught by surprise. Then she clears her throat and looks away again. “It’s not easy for me either.”
“Why not?”
“Because they’re … difficult.”
“Hey, I know all about difficult. That doesn’t scare me off one bit.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about,” she says, chewing on her cheek. I wonder what’s bothering her so much. I thought she’d be over the moon because I agreed to meet them, but now it seems she’d rather turn around and run.
“They’re your parents, aren’t they?” I ask. “They can’t be that bad. I mean, they made you after all.” I flash her a cocky smile, and she chuckles.
“Thanks. Having you here with me makes it much better.”
“Ah … They love you. There’s nothing to feel bad about.”
“That’s not what I’m worried about. I’m more worried about whether or not they’re going to accept this. Us.”
“You mean me.”
She swallows, shivering, which tells me enough.
“I think it’s important that you meet them, but I don’t want to lose you over something as stupid as my parents.”
“You won’t lose me. Ever.” I grab a tighter hold of her hand. “I won’t let anyone drive us apart.”
“Hmm … I don’t want anything to come between us either.”
As we reach the dark green wooden door, I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
CHAPTER 13
SUFFERING
Autumn
Tiptoeing from one foot to the other, I’m a bundle of nerves while we wait until my dad opens the door. The stern look on his face always makes me stop breathing for a second. I haven’t seen him in a while, and the moment he notices there’s someone with me, the look on his face turns into pure shock.
“Hi, Dad,” I stutter, giving him a fake smile.
He just stares, his eyebrows drawing together as he takes us both in. His mustache slowly moves from side to side, as if he uses his lips to think.
“I wanted to come visit you … so … here I am!” I say.
“Who’s this?” he says gruffly.
“Ah, I’m Hunter Bane.” Hunter holds out his hand, leaning forward, but my dad doesn’t take his hand. Instead, he keeps his gaze solely on him, the frown on his face almost permanent.
“Can we come in?” I ask, hesitantly.
My dad sighs loudly and then pulls open the door, creating a narrow entry.
“Uh … thanks,” I say, moving past him. Hunter’s right behind me. I can feel his hot breath on my neck. When he briefly places his fingers on my waist he almost immediately takes them off again, probably scared of what my dad’s going to say. I’m even scared about what my dad’s going to say.
I’ve never brought a guy home. Ever. So this … yeah, this is nerve-wracking.
We walk into the living room, and I notice it’s not changed one bit. The curtains are still darkened with dust, the floor is still littered with crumbs, the couch still has that signature rip in it, and even my special reading corner is still intact. It’s like I never left, which freaks me out a little.
I swallow as I see Hunter looking around, checking out the place I used to call home. I don’t know what to call it anymore. Even if this is where I grew up, I no longer feel this is where I belong. This ruined home that houses a broken family that can’t even properly talk to each other without everything turning into a fight.
“So, you guys go to college together or something?” my dad asks as we sit down on the couch.
Hunter flinches, and I freeze. “Uh … I guess,” I say. It’s true, and I suppose it’s the right answer, but it’s not exactly the complete truth. I mean … they don’t even know I was talking to boys, let alone dating them. And touching them. And kissing them. And … Oh God … I had sex. My dad is going to kill me.
“And you’re her friend then, I suppose?” my dad says, turning his head once more before walking into the kitchen.
“Uh, actually …” Hunter begins, but I poke him in the waist before he can say anything else.
When my dad has left the room to go grab some drinks, we turn toward each other.
“What are you doing?” Hunter says.
“Me? What are you doing? You were about to tell him about us!”
“Yeah, duh. That’s supposed to happen, right? Why else would you take me to see your parents?”
I look down at the floor and frown, sighing loudly. “I know … I just want it to be at the right time.”
“And what do you think is the right time?” he asks, placing his hand on my knee. “I can tell this is difficult for you, but we really should tell them.”
“Yeah … I’m just waiting for him to sit down and be a little less … fickle.”
Hunter chuckles. “Doesn’t seem likely to me. I don’t see the point in waiting. It’s not like time will make it more likely that he’ll accept me.”
“Maybe it will. You don’t know that. Put on a good smile, tell a nice story, butter him up a little.”
He cocks his head, his brows drawing together. “Oh no, no, no, no, no. I’m not falling for that shit.”
“Oh, c’mon, please?” I say, putting up my pouty smile.
“No. I am not going to pretend and play the good boyfriend when I’m not. That won’t help me, nor them, nor you. At some point they’ll find out who I really am, and I’d be crucified if I’d been lying about it. So no, I’d rather just be myself and get this over with.”
My shoulders sag. “But I want them to like you … I don’t want their opinions about my first boyfriend to be …”
“To be what?” Hunter leans in closer, pursing his lips, his eyes narrowing. “Better than what you thought? Because I’m every girl’s dream.” He wriggles his eyebrows.
“Hunter!” I poke him in the side again, and he winces.
“What? It’s the truth. Or at least for you.” He winks. “Don’t worry about it. They’ll learn to like me because I take care of their daughter, and there’s no other man who could love you the way I do.” He runs his fingers through my hair and cups my face with his other hand, pulling me in for a kiss on the cheek.
Right at the same time, my dad walks back in.
He freezes, his eyes widening as he glares at us. Hunter immediately retreats to his rightful position on the couch and pretends like nothing happened, while I’m just sitting here, blinking rapidly, wondering what the hell to say.
“Is that normal on campus? Because if so, I’m already having my doubts about getting you into college instead of having you find a job.”
“Dad … Hunter’s my boyfriend.”
My dad puts the tray with drinks down on the table, but keeps his eyes on Hunter and me like a hawk.
“So you two are a couple?” he asks, as if it wasn’t clear enough already.
“Yes,” Hunter says.
“Autumn … I thought I told you that your education was more important than these things.”
“I know, Dad, but it just happened and …” I lean closer to Hunter as he puts his arm around my shoulder. “We fell in love.”
“Right …” My dad sits down in his old, stinky recliner chair.
“Hunter’s a big part of my life now. He really supports me, and he’s kind, sweet, strong, and works hard. I wanted you guys to meet,” I say.
My dad taps his fingers, his gaze flicking back and forth from us to the drinks, as if he’s telling us to drink up.
I hesitantly take both glasses and hand one to Hunter, whose fingers are all sweaty when they touch mine.
“So how long has this been going on now?” my dad asks.
“For a while now,” I say, clearing my throat.
“I’m not the best student there is, but I work hard and take good care of your daughter, sir, and there’s no one who can love her better than me,” Hunter says. I admire his courage to speak up. I’m sitting here, shaking like it’s freezing.
God, I can’t wait to be done with this so I can finally go see my mom.
My dad is like the gatekeeper. The dragon of the fort, and I have to battle with him every time I come home so I can talk with my mom.
“Don’t call me sir, I’m not that old,” my dad says. “The name’s Walter.” He takes a sip from his drink. “Autumn needs to graduate. That’s her number one priority. Not boys.”
“Dad …” I sigh. “I can decide what I want. You don’t need to do that for me.”
My dad slams his glass on the table, startling me.
“You need to get your priorities straight then. You know what’s important. This”—he points his finger back and forth between Hunter and me—“is not it.”
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