by Staci Hart
Van climbed up next to me, and we sat in silence together with our eyes on the horizon.
His eyes didn’t leave the sky when he asked a quiet question, only in part to me. “Why am I so hung up on you?”
The sun reflected off buildings in brilliant colors, and I couldn’t look at him, couldn’t let him see me. I didn’t have any more answers to that question than he did. “I’ve been asking myself the same thing.”
He threaded his fingers in his lap. “You’re right, you know. I don’t even know you. But I at least wanted the chance to find out. I don’t know what you did to me, but I can’t let it go.”
The backs of my eyes burned, and I bit my lip hard, willing myself not to cry. “I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been looking for answers, reasons why you’re not willing to try. I ran tonight to try to get you out of my head and ended up running into you. Something tells me that if you weren’t still thinking about me, you wouldn’t be here.”
“You’re right.” The words were quiet and honest.
He turned his dark eyes on me. “Then why, Cory? Tell me why we can’t do this when everything you do, every look tells me you want me? You know that I want you. Every cell in my body wants you. So why would you walk away? I need to know.”
I fought to hold onto my emotions, unwilling to meet his eyes. “I … it’s complicated.”
Van shook his head, frustrated. “Don’t give me that bullshit. Tell me the truth.”
I wanted to tell him, needed to tell him. But telling him meant that my life would go full nuclear. I had to get out of there before I made another mistake. “You wouldn’t understand.” I swung my legs back to the roof to leave, but he grabbed my arm.
I looked back at him as he stood to meet me. His face was shrouded in shadows, the sky on fire behind him as he slipped his hands into my hair. That simple touch, the proximity of his body, all of it overloaded my senses, and I couldn’t move.
“Cory,” he whispered.
The pain in his voice broke me, and I felt the confession hot on my lips. I had to stop the words.
I lifted my chin, bringing my lips just short of his as I held my breath, wondering if he would turn me away. My body screamed for him, and I waited in agony until it was too much to resist.
I brushed my lips against his, and he cupped my cheeks, kissing me back with reverence and ownership. Relief washed over me at his touch, everything else forgotten as I gave in to him. Gave into what I wanted.
My hands roamed up his chest, to his shoulders and neck. My fingertips brushed his jaw, and he wound his arms around me, holding me as close as he could without crushing me, as if I would slip away.
His lips weren’t insistent this time. They were afraid.
He broke away to trail urgent kisses down my jaw, and I lifted my chin, arching my back as he leaned over me. My arms were around his neck, fingers in his hair, hanging on with regret pumping through me. I wanted him, wanted to be with him. I wanted his body. But I didn’t deserve to ask for anything from him, not with the lie hanging between us.
He laid me down on the ledge, and adrenaline ripped through my body. I could feel the empty space past the edge, a void of wind and nothingness that dropped hundreds of feet to the busy street. I was aware of every detail — the cold concrete against my back, the wind against every hair on my arms, his body as he pressed his hips into mine.
His hands roamed my body as he nipped at my neck, pausing to unbutton my pants as I reached into his, not wanting to think. I couldn’t stop, and he couldn’t either. He hooked his fingers under the band of my jeans and pulled them to my knees, then bent my legs, guiding them so my thighs were pressed against my breasts, leaving my pussy exposed. I ached for him.
“Van,” I moaned.
He wet his lips as he pulled a condom out of his wallet and ripped it open, rolling it on while I lay panting on the ledge. He touched my pussy and leaned over me, resting his wide chest against my shins. “Tell me you want this.”
“I want this,” I breathed.
“Tell me you want me.” Emotion was thick in his voice.
I locked eyes with him. “I want you.”
“Tell me to fuck you.”
“Fuck m—” He drove into me, and my heart stopped. I sucked in a breath and held it, unable to exhale as he pulled out and slammed in hard enough that I couldn’t keep my eyes open.
My heart kickstarted so fast and hard, I thought I would break. It was too much, everything I felt and wanted, all the things I couldn’t have right in front of me, inside of me. I was caged in his arms, his eyes on mine as he flexed his hips with more force. I didn’t want to hold on, and when I felt him let go, so did I. We came together with a cry, lungs frozen, hearts broken.
Van gasped and slowed, hand slipping down my thigh. When he opened his eyes, pain passed over his face. He touched my cheek, thumbing a tear I didn’t realize I’d shed.
“Don’t cry,” he whispered and kissed my forehead, holding me for a moment as I tried to breathe. As I let him go.
He backed away, and I sat, tugging on my pants while he got rid of the condom. When he sat next to me, he scooped me into his arms. They were so strong, so warm. Safe. I curled into him.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t be sorry.” His hand cupped the back of my head as he rocked me, pressing his cheek against my hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Yet. “I can’t be with you, Van. I need you to understand that I just can’t.”
“But—”
“No. I need you to accept this without asking questions. Please.” I couldn’t help myself. I gave myself away with every word, but I needed him to know that I had no choice. That if I did, I would choose him.
He pulled back, and when I looked into his eyes, his face was drawn. “Cory, what’s going on?”
I shook my head. “It’s not you. You’re … you did everything right.”
Van cupped my cheek, searching my face. “I don’t want to let you go,” he whispered and touched his forehead to mine.
My hand hung on his wrist, and I squeezed my eyes shut. “I don’t want to go, but I have to. I need you to let me. Please.”
He pressed me into his chest again for a long moment. I felt his uncertainty as he grappled with what to do, how to react. But when he finally lowered his lips to mine, I knew he was saying goodbye.
When he pulled away, his eyes were shining, full of hurt. “You know how to find me. If things change …”
I couldn’t speak, just nodded as I stood and picked up my pack. I looked back one last time, taking in every detail, the slope of his shoulders, the silhouette of his body against the trail of color in the sky, and then I vaulted the ledge, leaving him behind.
It was after midnight when I finally climbed the stairs to the loft. I felt like I’d aged ten years over the last few days, and I wondered if the worst wasn’t yet to come. When I opened the warehouse door and found the demon twins at the table, I clenched my teeth and looked beyond them, toward our rooms.
Jace glared, and Jade scanned me suspiciously. “Where the fuck have you been?” he shot.
I didn’t respond or even glance at them, just walked through the kitchen like they weren’t there. A shower and sleep were the only things important enough for my attention tonight, and my hope was that I could burn down my hurt to a manageable degree and erase the what was left with my dreams.
“Where are you going, Cory? We need to plan this,” Jade called after me.
“Not tonight.”
“Fuck you. ‘Not tonight,’” she scoffed.
I spun around, ready for a fight. “I said, not tonight. I’ll do what you want, you heartless cunt. But not tonight.”
Jade narrowed her eyes, assessing me before she backed down. “Whatever. Don’t fucking sleep all day tomorrow because we have shit to do.” She turned to Jace, dismissing me.
I walked away, flipping her off over my shoulder.
The shower w
as hot, but not hot enough. My skin was raw, and the water had run cold by the time I finally got out, teeth chattering as I dried off. The hallway was dark, the concrete cold as I made my way into Erin’s room and slipped into bed with her.
She shifted to face me in the dark. I couldn’t see much, just the light reflecting on the surface of her eyes, a blurry shade of her profile, too dark to make out the edges. “Hey.”
“I didn’t mean to wake you up. I just …. I didn’t want to sleep alone.”
“I wasn’t asleep. I’ve been worried about you. What happened? Is Jill okay?”
“She’s fine. I dropped her off and went for a run.” I took a breath. “I saw Van.”
“Like, on purpose?” She sounded confused.
So was I. “No. I went to one of his spots, and he showed up. I don’t even know why I went there.”
“What did you say?”
“I asked him to let me go, and he did. And now I’m not okay.”
She reached for my wrist, rubbed her thumb on my skin.
“What in the fuck is wrong with me?”
“Your life is in the shitter, that’s what’s wrong. You didn’t want him to let you go, but he did, and you needed him to. I wish things were different, too. I want you to be happy, and want you to get the guy. The timing was just so bad.”
“The worst.”
“The absolute worst. But there’s not much you can do except wait it out.”
“Tomorrow.” The word weighed a metric ton.
“Yes. Tomorrow.”
I turned my wrist around in her hand and threaded my fingers through hers, thinking about what would come. One more step to carry me closer to the end, farther from the beginning, and deeper into the hole.
THE NEXT DAY STRETCHED out long and slow, and I navigated my way through on autopilot, not wanting to think about what was coming. So I worked. I met my confounded sister, bearing the gift of cupcakes to cover for the fact that I was escorting her around Midtown.
My phone had blown up all day with texts from Jade, I just didn’t want to respond. When I walked in the door that night, Jade and Jace were in the living room waiting for me, looking pissed. The fact probably shouldn’t have made me as happy as it did.
“Sorry to inconvenience you, Cory,” Jade spat. “Get your ass over here. We’re leaving in an hour. Have fun with Jill?”
“Fuck you, psycho.” I pulled off my bag as I headed to an armchair and sank into it, not giving a single fuck what she had to say. “I don’t know what you want from me. You texted me everything I need to know to get this over with.”
Jade scowled. “Humor me.”
“Here’s the situation,” Jace started. “You and Jade go to the Collins’ house and steal the painting. Do you know if the painting has a separate trigger?”
I folded my arms. “If it does, I can handle it.”
“Good. We have a soft case to carry it, but because of its size, Jade’s going to need to go slow. We should plan on an extra thirty at least. I sent you the route to the warehouse where I’ll be with Sammy and Trevor, and we’ll make the exchange as soon as you get there.” He looked at me like he was waiting for a response.
I looked at Jace, then Jade, then back at Jace, waiting for one of them to speak. “Okay?”
“They deal with jobs like this all the time, paintings and antiquities. The warehouse is one of the places they keep goods they fence. Trevor uses it as his cover business for laundering money.” He was eager, smiling like he’d gotten into the secret crime clubhouse.
I just shook my head. “You guys are fucking stupid if you think some shit isn’t going to go down. This entire thing stinks. Why would we meet them at the warehouse where they keep stolen property?”
“I suggested it.”
“God, why the fuck would you do that? I don’t want to know where their operation goes down. That’s information I’m not interested in obtaining.”
Jace rolled his eyes. “You’re so paranoid. They agreed because they trust us.”
I laughed, the sound bitter. “Right, I bet you guys are best friends.”
“Fuck you, Cory. I’m not an idiot.”
“Debatable. What happens if your buddies cross us? What’s the backup plan? The painting is too big to just run with, and if they’re packing then there’s nowhere to go.”
“They’re not going to cross us,” Jace scoffed.
“You don’t know that. We need a plan to get the fuck out of there. I can hang back and cover you guys, or—”
“You’re not going anywhere that we can’t see you.” He huffed as a flush climbed his neck and cheeks. “Don’t even think about fucking this up.”
“How the fuck is it that you’re more worried about me than you are about a couple of fences overseeing a multi-million dollar deal?”
“Because you’re the one person who could take the whole thing down. But I just want you to remember. One phone call, and I’ve got Jill. I’m not afraid to do it, Cory.”
Fury washed over me, and I clenched my jaw as I leaned toward him. “To make a phone call? I’m sure you could handle calling in someone harder than you are to do something this fucked up, but I don’t believe for a second that you’ve got the scrote to hurt her yourself, you fucking pussy.”
“That’s enough,” Jade snapped. “Nothing’s going to happen. It’s not like we’re dealing with the mob or something. And as long as you keep your shit together, Jill will be fine. So, do you want to know how much money we’re getting or not?”
“I could really give zero fucks about a single penny that comes out of this.”
She ignored me and smiled, clearly wanting to feed her own ego. “Twelve mil. It’s worth more. Not bad for, like, two hours’ work.” She and Jace chuckled, so pleased with themselves.
“And our souls.” And my peace of mind. Not to mention my heart.
“Get over it. Van Collins is way too good for you, anyway.”
I fumed. “Are we done here?”
“Go get your shit together.” She stood, dismissing me.
I got up and walked away, not even sure why I needed to have been part of that conversation. Like she just wanted me to sit down at her bidding, listen to whatever she said. Squeeze me. But I was done being her bitch. I’d fight back where I could. When I could.
Once in my room, I shed my clothes and stepped into my standard uniform. Black jeans and tank. Black hoodie and leather jacket. Buff around my neck like a cowl. But this time, I wore a chest holster for my pistol and extra magazine.
I sat on the edge of my bed with my elbows on my knees, my gun in my palm. I was at the threshold of the end, and the weight of the gun, the chill of it against my skin sent goosebumps up my arm. Nothing sat right with me. Not a single, solitary thing. But I was on my own. We were probably walking into a trap, and I had no out, no plan.
They didn’t have to give us anything once we brought them the painting. I wondered again why they would bring us to the warehouse. Either they wanted to display some level of trust, or they were that confident, that unconcerned with a couple of chicks and a douchebag. They weren’t going to be afraid of us. And why should they be?
But I wasn’t walking in unprepared, and I wasn’t going to sacrifice any more than I already had.
I slipped the gun into my holster, zipped my hoodie and jacket, and walked out of my room to meet fate.
Erin stepped into the hallway as I approached her door. “You okay?”
“No.”
She came close and laid her hands on my arms, squeezing gently. “Please, let me come with you.”
“No, Erin.”
She shook her head and sighed, shifting her thumbs on my arms. “Swear to me you’ll be careful.”
I nodded. I couldn’t find the words.
Erin looked over me before pulling me into a tight hug. Her love and care washed over me, and when she pulled away after a moment, there were tears in her eyes.
She cupped my face. “I’m sorry.”<
br />
“Me too.”
She guided my face to hers to kiss me gently, and we slipped into a final hug before I turned and walked away.
My pulse was deafening as I climbed the wall adjacent to The Kyle Building and hauled myself onto his roof. I sat on a duct near the access door and pulled out my laptop to log into the building security’s Wi-Fi. Jade watched over my shoulder as I scanned the port for the security cameras, then sent out a ping flood that knocked out all the cameras on the IP. It was a familiar setup. The cameras were unmanned in the lobby, there for checking after the fact, should something happened. They weren’t monitored by the minute. By the time anyone realized they were down, we’d be long gone.
I flipped my laptop closed and slipped my computer into my pack. “It’s done.”
Jade said nothing, just walked across to the access door and leaned against the cinderblock wall, eyeing me expectantly.
I sighed and slung on my pack before opening the door for Jade. She brushed past me into the stairwell, and I followed her down the stairs, through the hallway, numb. Jade knelt in front of his door to pick the lock and deadbolt as I waited behind her in the silent hallway. When the deadbolt clicked back, the sound was like a gunshot.
I stepped into the apartment behind her, not expecting the wave of pain and nausea that rolled over me. I didn’t know if it was seeing the Rothko on the wall or his jacket hanging on the back of the couch. Could have been his shoes half under the coffee table or the familiarity of his beanie that lay on the cushion of his armchair. But as I sucked in a breath, I realized it was the way the apartment smelled, some mixture of laundry detergent and soap and … him. It smelled like him, and that simple, unexpected assault on my senses almost doubled me over.
Jade walked toward the painting like a bug to a zapper. If she were a cartoon, her eyes would have sported dollar signs.
“Hurry up and let’s get the fuck out of here.” My voice was rough and raspy, my mouth dry as I checked his alarm. It wasn’t active, and I shook my head at his oversight.