I’d come home over the holidays, staying three days total over Christmas, before heading back with my mom. I hadn’t left the trailer once in those three days. That was the only time I’d returned home in ten months. My mom had come back to Atlanta with me for New Years.
At school, I could almost convince myself I was just another new student. Fresh-faced, baggage-free, and looking forward to the promise of the future spread out before me. I’d played the part; I hadn’t held back. I’d partied hard, studied hard, thrown myself into the whole college experience with a passion borne of trying to outrun my past. Somehow, it still felt hollow.
The first couple of months, thoughts of Reno, of what I’d lost, plagued me every day. In a sea of pulsing bodies moving to the beat, a lecture hall filled with students taking notes, suddenly he'd be there. Creeping up on me without warning and stealing the breath from my lungs. Over time, it became less. I could go a few days without slipping, but the second my thoughts turned to him, it was as if he’d never left them. He occupied so much space in my head that flipping the switch was like cutting clean through a water pipe. He emerged in a burst, not a trickle. It was hard to contain him. I imagined taking him, our past, and the memories that had the power to incapacitate me and seriously derail my new life, and stuffing them into a closet then padlocking the doors.
Being back here was like throwing those doors open without reservation. Emotions I’d foolishly believed I had a handle on assailed me from all sides.
My arms tightened around Liss and she squeezed me right back, as if she knew.
“Come on, get your shit,” she said, leaning back to look at me, her perceptive gaze resting on my face.
I nodded, following her to the trunk, but my gaze strayed over my shoulder, searching without instruction. I couldn’t see him. But he was everywhere here. Pulling my focus back, I popped the trunk and lugged my bags to the trailer. My mom stood, all glassy-eyed, watching me approach from her position propped against the door. As I neared, I tossed the bags down and she lifted her arms, wrapping them tight around my middle.
“My baby,” she crooned, contentment ringing in her voice.
“Hi, Mom,” I breathed back, allowing her presence to soothe me.
It lasted a few seconds, this quiet reuniting, and then we separated, apart from the small hand that wrapped around mine and didn’t seem in any hurry to let go.
“Your mom met a guy!” Liss announced as she booted the half-open door and dumped my bags on the floor.
I looked at my mom, my brows lowered. “And I somehow haven’t heard about his hands, penis size, or preferred sexual position already?” Pink spots appeared on her cheeks and she averted her gaze with a coy smile. Coy? My mother... coy?
“Mom?” I said, the word dripping with disbelief.
She shrugged, tapping her fingers on the countertop.
“She likes him, Ri. Not just his body... him,” Liss said, before adding, “I overheard her on the phone. It was so damn cute.”
I gasped, my wide eyes resting on my mom’s flushed face. “Is this true?”
Suddenly all action, she started moving pots and pans around, opening doors randomly and closing them again.
“Oh, no,” I said, “I’ve had to listen to stories about the Marshalls of this world and the goddamn wonder of their magic hands, so don’t even think about going shy on me now! You met someone?”
“Fine!” She threw up her hands, tossing down the dishcloth she’d picked up for no reason other than to avoid this conversation. “I met a guy, he’s... well, he’s super sweet, and bald,” she added quickly, her teeth nibbling her lip nervously, as if I’d judge her for dating a hairless man. “He’s older, mid-fifties, and not what you’d describe as conventionally good looking—”
“Mom,” I cut her off, “I don’t care if he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame... if he makes you happy, that’s all that matters.”
Her face softened, head lowering until a curtain of hair swept forward, obscuring half of the face I now noticed was glowing. “He does, Riley, hon. He really does.”
My gaze flicked to Liss, who stood inside the door, arms over her chest, watching us with a sappy smile on her face. Eyes traveling back to my mom, I swallowed over the lump of emotion. “I’m happy for you, Mom.”
Her smile transformed her heart-shaped face, “Thank you, honey.”
“There’s a welcome back party tonight, Ri,” Liss said cautiously. “We can go… or stay or... whatever.”
This was home. It always would be. Wherever I ended up, this would always be the place I came back to. And Reno would always be here. I’d have to find a way to deal with that.
“We can go.”
Liss smiled, like she was proud of me. I rolled my eyes as I strolled by her, but I gave her fingers a gentle squeeze.
Trepidation built as the evening drew in. I caught Liss watching me a few times, and rolled my shoulders, coaxing myself to relax as I flashed her my best carefree smile. I could tell she wasn’t sure, and in the end, it was me who dragged her butt out of the trailer.
I’d spent countless warm summer nights in an open field, surrounding a roaring bonfire. Images of nights just like this one came flooding back, bombarding me, as I perched beside Liss on a wooden log. Reno featured in every single one. I recalled the way my heart would vault every time he looked at me. The way fireworks would erupt over my skin with the slightest touch. How the heat in his eyes would burn a fiery trail over my body. Warmth infused my cheeks and I shook my head clear, pushing the thoughts aside and focusing my full attention on Liss. We laughed and joked, shooting the shit like old times. For ten months, our lives had ventured off down different roads, but now it felt like we’d never been apart. Dusk slowly gave way to night, and the music cranked, headlights flipping on to illuminate the makeshift dance floor.
I’d be a liar if I said he hadn’t been on my mind, that my eyes hadn’t looked for him. A huge part of me was apprehensive about seeing him again after all this time, and I kept my guard well and truly up. Another part… I sucked in a breath, unsure what to make of it. By eleven thirty, I’d concluded he wasn’t coming. Disappointment nudged me even as I gave myself permission to relax.
Of course, that’s when he would show up.
I saw Leon first, almost the exact moment his eyes fell on me. The smile that split his face was enough to break hearts, and he broke into a run, heading right for me. Swooping me up in his embrace, he buried his face in my hair and swung my body from side to side. I returned his hug with every part of me, but my eyes remained open, focused over his shoulder where his best friend stood still, watching us.
My heart rammed against Leon’s chest. It didn’t seem possible that Reno could look even more gorgeous. He was bigger somehow. His dark tan visible despite the fading light, and his messy brown hair had grown a little longer on top. Right now, it looked slightly tousled, like he’d run his fingers through it, and my fingers buzzed with the need to touch it. I squeezed them into a fist. With his hands stuffed inside the pockets of his dark jeans and the fabric of the gunmetal grey shirt stretched over the defined ridges and muscles of his chest, breathing became a function that no longer occurred instinctually.
“Missed you, Riley-baby!” Leon declared, spinning me round in a circle, the tips of my flats leaving the floor. I grinned, but my eyes strained to get back to Reno. I forced them into submission, looking up at Leon when he placed me on my feet and grinned down at me. “How’s life been treating you, Ri? You look good.” Lazy eyes scanned me from top to bottom. I blushed.
I’d grown my hair out almost to my waist. I lucked out that it liked to fall into natural beach waves without me doing much to it. Tonight, it flowed down my back freely, held back off my face with a thin band. My b cups had jumped up one size. A development that would have delighted me a few years ago—every wish from the age of twelve to sixteen had been for bigger boobs—and I’d filled out a little in the hip and butt area so I no longer resembled a r
uler. Basically, I’d grown up in every way possible over the course of the last year. I felt older, too. Like I’d earned my adult stripes.
A throat cleared beside me, interrupting Leon’s perusal. He stilled, expression becoming guarded, and released me from his hold. He stepped back, turning his gaze on the source of the noise: my best friend.
“Liss,” he said, voice gruff.
Hands folded over her chest, she stared at him. “Leon.”
An awkward tension settled around us, and my eyes bounced from one to the other. The weirdest thing about the whole scenario was that they weren’t sparring. Banter flew between them like not so friendly fire, usually. This, whatever it was, was frickin’ eerie.
“How have you been?” Leon enquired, in the politest tone I’d ever heard him use.
A frown drew my eyebrows down low.
“Good,” Liss nodded, eyes skittering every which way but Leon’s. “You?”
What the hell...?
I’d walked into the twilight zone or something. I knew my mouth was hanging open and would look majorly unattractive, but I couldn’t help it. Then it hit me.
“You had sex!” I honestly hadn’t meant to blurt it, and the subjects of my statement fumbled into action; Le muttered something about a drink, and Liss’ nails dug painfully into my arm.
“Are you crazy!” she whisper-yelled once he’d gone, pinching my skin.
“Ow!” I rubbed the tender spot, holding up a hand. “Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to broadcast it like that! But you did, didn’t you?”
Her eyes shut.
“I knew it! When?” I demanded.
“I’ll tell you later,” she said through her teeth, taking a step away. “I need a goddamn drink.”
When she would have left, her steps halted, eyes locking on something—someone—behind me. I knew who it was.
Brows drawn in concern, she shifted back to me and asked, voice low, “You okay?”
I nodded. Sucking in a breath and holding it, I steeled my shoulders.
“Liss.” Reno’s smooth baritone drifted over my head. Every nerve reacted. The skin at the back of my neck prickled and the tiny hairs on my arms jumped to attention. Liss nodded briskly, giving my forearm a brief squeeze before striding away. She still hadn’t forgiven him fully. They’d get there.
“Riley,” he said. And that closet exploded open. All the pieces I’d shoved, stuffed and forced into storage, lay scattered all around me like storm debris.
Brushing the palms of my hands together, I wiped away imaginary dirt just to give them something to do. I turned to face him slowly, accepting that it had been futile to try to forget or erase him.
Reno was unforgettable.
Forty-Three
Riley
“Reno,” I breathed.
When our gazes finally collided, something slipped back into place inside me. Something I’d sensed was missing but hadn’t quite been able to place. Like a memory that hovered on the edge of your consciousness, but always stayed just out of reach.
Now that it was back, I couldn’t fathom how I’d ever functioned in its absence. Because it was pretty fucking vital.
It felt like my heart. It felt like my soul.
And just like that, I knew I’d never fallen out of love with this boy. Self-preservation had dictated I shut it down, pretend like it never existed. I’d been a fool to think it would stay contained.
His throat worked as he swallowed, the knuckles on his closed hands glowing white in the firelight as his eyes raked over every inch of my face. He looked like he was trying to take in each facet, commit it to memory. I knew… because I was doing the same.
I could close my eyes and bring his face to mind without trying. Most days it appeared, as if it just sat behind my lids, waiting for the instant I closed my eyes. But it didn’t even compare to seeing him up close after so long. My eyes took their fill with no thought of embarrassment or shame.
His head tipped, eyes burning with raw intensity. “Walk with me?” he asked, voice hoarse.
It didn’t occur to me to deny him. I nodded.
We walked silently, side by side, weaving through bodies until the mass cleared, and we edged toward the treeline. Dappled moonlight sifted through the canopy of leaves overhead, illuminating our way. The noise from the party grew distant until all I could hear was the sound of my flats slapping softly against the dirt pathway and stones and gravel crunching underfoot. We continued to pace in silence, a good couple of feet separating our bodies. It was Reno who spoke first, when we both came to a natural stop just beyond a clearing in the trees. My gaze stayed trained ahead, body facing forward. Reno angled himself until he faced me. I gulped, releasing a long breath to control my heartbeat.
“How’s college been?” He asked quietly.
Eyes flickering to the side, I tucked my chin. “Um, it’s been… good.”
“Good,” he nodded, lips rubbing together. “You made a bunch of new friends?”
My teeth chewed nervously on my bottom lip. “Some.”
His eyes seared into my head for a few quiet seconds. “I wasn’t going to come tonight.”
My gaze shot to him. The snap of discomfort in my chest unnerved me. Seeing him… might have been the best thing that had happened to me in a year. But thoughts like that were reckless. I wrestled my mind into submission, averted my eyes, and said nothing.
“I couldn’t stay away, though,” he continued, his voice rough. “Not when there was a chance you’d be here.”
My heart thumped an erratic beat and my eyes shuttered briefly. I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the eyes.
He huffed a frustrated breath, an unsteady hand pushing through his hair before gripping the nape of his neck. “I hate this, Ri. Acting like strangers. I fucking hate it.”
My arms lifted to cross over my chest and I rubbed my palms up and down over the goose bumps on my arms. A slight chill washed through me despite the warm night. Twisting until I could see him, the pain in my chest intensifying with every second that passed, I hiked my shoulders helplessly. “I’m sorry.”
His hand dropped, thumb hooking into his jean pocket. “Fuck, don’t… be sorry, Riley. It’s not your fault, it’s just…” He paused, anguished eyes scanning around us before coming back to rest on mine, “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”
If I still made wishes that would be mine. I’d wish to find my way back. To him. To us. Liquid collected behind my lids, and I glanced down. The light breeze lifted strands of my hair and danced them around my face. Eyes glued to my feet, I watched as I dug the front of my flat into the soil, kicking softly. Shaking my head, I turned to him, craning my head back to really see him. I needed to see him.
“I missed you,” I whispered, unsure where the words had come from or when I’d decided it was okay to utter them.
It wasn’t smart. It wasn’t helpful. And yet the line of tension across his shoulders eased instantly. The tight set of his face relaxed, and the hard line of his lips molded into an expression of relief. Like my words had cut through a thick web of unease.
The blazing fire in his eyes made it too hard to hold his gaze, but they wouldn’t release me. He had me utterly snared.
“I missed you,” he grated, those eyes piercing me, his voice rougher than the gravel beneath my feet. “More than I would have thought was possible.”
It was the crack in his voice, the vulnerability that escaped, that gave me the strength to break his stare. Everything about him was too intense, and I felt my foundations crumbling to pieces.
One hand found my jaw, another gripped my shoulder, and he used them to turn me to him. His grip was urgent and his face fierce as it drew level with mine. “Ri?” He stole my gaze again. “I still love you.”
I slammed my lids down against his impassioned declaration. My head twisted to escape but only made it as far as his cupped palm, where I burrowed my face and fought tears, trying to drown out his voice. I hadn’t prepared for this.
Hadn’t expected it. I didn’t think I could hear it.
“I don’t know what’s going on in your life now, or if you even give a shit anymore, but I do, Riley. I. Fucking. Do. I never stopped.” His breaths came fast and heavy, and I pushed my face deeper into his hand, wetting his skin with tears. “I’ve been a goddamn idiot, because you were right, Riley, I was scared. Scared of all the different ways loving you could hurt me. But you know what?”
The desperation in his tone had me stilling. His words reached the part of me that had never been able to deny him, and when I looked up into his blazing eyes through thick, wet lashes, my breaths hiccupped in my throat and my hands clasped his wrists.
Those dark eyes penetrated mine with a devastating intensity as he grated, “Trying not to love you... is fucking killing me.”
His hands traveled to frame my face, thumbs stroking the wetness of my cheeks.
“I’m sorry I hurt you. Sorry I pushed you away, sorry you lost,” he choked, his voice faltering. I saw the effort it took for him to pull himself together. “I’m so fucking sorry about the baby, Riley. I’m sorry about every fucking thing... but I swear to you, if you’ll let me, I’ll make it up to you. All of it. No more running scared, no more denying. I’ll take anything I can get from you, anything you can give me, and I promise I will never hurt you again.” He dipped until his nose almost touched mine. “I’m in love with you, Riley. I think I’ve loved you since I was nine years old, and I don’t ever see that changing. I’m yours.” His chest rose high with his deep inhale and his eyes brimmed with all the emotion he was begging me to see. “If you’ll have me.”
I wanted to say yes. So damn bad the words swept up my throat and burned on the tip of my tongue. But everything he was sorry for, everything I was sorry for… I couldn’t disregard it so easily. We could take our messy past and try to erase it from the history books. We could burn those books to ash and bury them under six feet of mud. What we couldn’t do, though, was pretend it didn’t happen, or pretend it couldn’t happen again. I wouldn’t survive that. It wasn’t the sensible thing to do.
Untouchable: (Unstoppable - Book 1) (The Unstoppable Series) Page 26