An hour passed waiting for the doctor and I was feeling worse, finally the doctor ask to see me. He asked me a few questions, took some tests, and within minutes gave me news that made me feel as if I would scream.
I remember the day, and hour the doctor
said, “You’re pregnant.”
“You have got to be kidding,” I stammered.
“No I’m not, that can’t be true, that test has to be wrong,” I stated as if I knew something the doctor did not know.
“That is not unusual for a woman of your age.”
“Let’s see you are about eighteen or twenty right,” he said, sounding like a palm reader instead of a doctor.
“No doctor look at my chart, I’m twenty five.”
“Oh” said the doctor a bit incredulous.
“You certainly are in good shape.”
“Thanks,” I said sarcastically.
“You are a very attractive woman,” he said looking at me hoping to get lucky.
I thanked the doctor who should have had his license revoked for his remarks.
I walked out of his office stunned. I did not see or hear anything. I was in a daze, and I kept walking. I didn’t see the car barreling down on me, until someone grabbed me and pushed me aside. I could have been killed I thought. No, I’m dead!
That was not the worst, “Oh My God” I had never become pregnant in all the time I was married to Mike and I wasn’t very careful. Now here I am having a baby for a baby. This is crazy, I reasoned, going out of my mind. What am I going to do? I thought. What can I do? Tell Robert because I’m not going to tell Danny. I can’t tell Danny, he wouldn’t believe me. No, he would believe me. I’m just not going to do it. “This is crazy, this is crazy,” I said over and over as I lumbered to my car.
I had begun my thievery, and now I was trying to figure a way to steal from Robert who has had too much larceny in his life. My mind was trying to figure out a way to tell Robert that I was pregnant for my young lover. I would not tell him how much I loved this man because I knew how Robert felt about me. How was I going to weave this cloth of deceit into a garment of lies to fit Robert? I felt I had time to tell Robert, I would give myself a few months I reasoned. I knew little of the art of reasoning.
A strange thought was to tell him the truth, well some of the truth. Robert came home on Valentine’s Day with roses, which reminded me of the roses Danny gave me when we first met. I stood and looked at Robert and I was motionless, transfixed in time.
Danny would send roses often when I lived in New York and he attached a card with one stanza of a poem he loved. He always sent me poetry or tried singing a song as a substitute for what he could not say. The last roses I received from Danny, before I left for Las Vegas, the card said:
“I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful, a fairy’s child;
Her hair was long, her foot was light.
And her eyes were wild.”
—Love, Danny
I recognized that poem; it is La Belle Dame Sans Merci, by John Keats. The beautiful lady without mercy—I read it in college. Was he sending me a message?
“Sydney, Sydney, what’s wrong?”
Robert said, snapping his fingers.
“I was just thinking about how beautiful the roses are and how thoughtful,” I said with a quiet lie.
“I want you to have them because you don’t know how much it means to me to have you here, and someone to be here when I get home.” He had this earnest look on his face. I began to see how handsome he is. He has steel blue eyes and a small nose with a broad jaw. His hair is coarse and medium brown, not so much as to make him look cute.
He began kissing me and for the first time I didn’t stop him. He reached for my hand and led me to his bedroom with the flowers in hand and we disrobed. He began by touching my shoulder gently. His hands were shaking. His hands moved onto my breast. I lay motionless like a doll and then he smothered me in kisses.
I closed my eyes and my mind traveled. I thought I was with Danny. I wanted to be with Danny. I wanted Robert to be Danny! I opened my eyes and I had to face the moment, I was not making love to Danny, it was Robert.
I held his arms as he lay above me, and I could tell he felt about me the way I felt about Danny; I was in a love triangle. I am transferring my love for Danny to Robert. I held his arms and closed my eyes to feel the passion I missed from Danny. The masquerade as a loving partner, took on a new life and I became good at my deception. I was now a better actor than Danny. I should have been nominated for an Academy Award, because I made Robert feel as if he was the only man in the world.
I tried to reach an orgasm because it had been so easy with Danny. I tried to love Robert because it was so easy to love Danny. I was hopelessly in love with Danny and I had no way out.
Robert could not help me escape. I did not reach satisfaction with Robert. I did not find passionate love for Robert, because my heart was cold for everyone except Danny. Every time I looked at Robert it was Danny, every time I slept, ate, breathed air, it was Danny. I felt as if my life was in ruins because of the carelessly low price I stamped on love.
After I satisfied Robert to the fullest, I was ready to confess. Someone said confession is good for the soul—probably a man who fused lying with confessions.
“Robert I have something to tell you.” Robert looked worried. Maybe his wife had uttered the same words after they made love because it struck a familiar cord.
“What is it? Tell me now,” he said trying to anticipate my words.
“I’m pregnant for someone,” I said expecting a question. He let me speak.
“I found out two months ago and I didn’t know what to say to you. When you came home I was so happy to see you, I forgot all about it,” I stated waiting for an answer.
Robert did not speak for a long time as he glared into my eyes, but not looking into them, and when he did speak, he said, “I don’t see anything wrong with what has happened. You didn’t commit murder. You don’t have to tell me more. I just want you to be happy, and I’m happy.”
I didn’t commit murder, really? I murdered any chance for happiness.
“I will take care of you and if you want I will adopt your child, or you can marry me and no one has to know any better.” There is that word again, “Marry.”
There I go with my mind dancing on dangerous ground. Marry a man I didn’t love, a second time, and give the man’s baby whom I loved, to the man I didn’t love. I must have lost my mind when I entertained the thought. I’m a mental case, and I plead guilty on the grounds of insanity.
I didn’t marry Robert Farrell, but I let him adopt my baby. His name became Sean Farrell. I was an idiot masquerading as a sophisticated mature Woman of the World.
WOW!
Chapter 3
Danny awakes alone in Las Vegas
Danny lay on his stomach on the soft sheets that soothed his warm body. He turned over on his back, then moved from one side to the next, trying to get comfortable. He wore a smile of pleasurable peace across his handsome face. He dreamed a happy dream.
He was far away and lost in the pleasures of the past night. Nothing could be more delightful to the spirit than to love, and to receive love—to capture and conquer the heart of the love of your life; he unconsciously thought. He languished in his thoughts of Sydney for a few more minutes. He loved her because she is who she is—her walk, her voice, her hair, her lips—her smell!
It wasn’t the wind and the sudden summer rain dragging Danny from his peaceful existence. It wasn’t the stranger standing near his bed when he felt a disturbance; it was the lack of air that was present.
The coldness of the room and the omission of warmth in his bed confused his mind. His mind could not grasp the chill of his body. Everything was out of sync, and there was no harmony in his soul. His unconscious mind felt the void of warmth and his eyelids opened.
Danny’s hand felt around for the spot where Sydney had lain; he did not belie
ve his senses, he did not listen to his thoughts, he did not follow the spark of intuition that settled on his brain. He chose to overlook the reality for a lie his mind could digest. He dismissed any thoughts he had or could have at that moment in time. He opened his mouth to hear his voice beckon his lover—his life.
“Sydney, Syd, where are you? Come here, I want you, come here, I have something for you,” Danny said playfully, while looking at his erection, and the diamond ring he plan to present Sydney. A restless Danny called out to Sydney once again. He wanted to continue their lovemaking, and he knew he would get something special when he presented her with a 10.00ctw. diamond engagement ring.
Danny twenty years old, and his sexuality climbing, wanted to make love to Sydney anytime and anyplace. He was into her in every way and fashion. She only had to say the word and he would devote his life to her.
“I have something for you Syd, get out here,” he insisted, sure she was playing games with him.
Danny sat up wiping the sleep from his eyes, looking around watching the sun cast an ominous shadow across his face, blinding him to the figure standing near his bed.
“You want your room cleaned?” The woman said in a distinct Russian accent.
He ignored her, thinking Sydney let her in, “Sydney, Sydney!”
“No one’s there, mister.”
“No, I don’t want my room cleaned. Go! Clean when I’m out!” He motioned to the maid who knew only a little English. He reached for his cell and dialed Sydney’s number. He dialed repeatedly, until he decided to jump out of bed to see for himself. Disbelief ran rampant, and it still did not penetrate his brain that she was gone.
His heart skipped a beat, he could not catch his breath, his breathing was slow, and short. He felt as if he was breathing a thousand breaths in that one minute. He needed a drink. He remembered he promised Sydney that he would lay off drinking. It wasn’t that easy. When she was with him, he did not need anything or anyone!
Danny walked closer to the bar with his heart pounding, and a feeling of desperation covered him like a thick fog on the Lochs of Scotland. He was in a bad place and he fell into a black hole that did not release him.
He walked slowly to the bar as if tethered with a rope, and something dragging him closer and closer—until there was no room between him and the drink.
He reached for his poison of choice—Scotch. Danny poured it straight, no water—no ice. The heat from the drink replaced the cold feeling that swam across his soul. The warmth intervened in his cold thoughts of Sydney. He began to feel helpless; he gave in to the moment that surrounded him. He drank until he could not drink anymore that day. Finally, he woke to the sound of chimes from the hotel phone.
Danny didn’t know who was calling because his senses were dull. He was hoping and praying it was Sydney. He reached for the phone with a weak hand.
“Hey Danny, Max here.” It was Max Stein his agent and friend.
“Max, Max good to hear from you.”
“What’s wrong Danny?”
“I think Sydney left me,” Danny said pouring his heart out to anyone who would listen.
“I’m sorry Danny but you have to meet me. I’m at Caesars,” Max stated in a business as usual tone.
“I can’t go. I have to find Sydney.”
“Look Danny, are you going to let that woman ruin your career?”
“She’s not just any woman. I love her. She’s going to be my wife.”
“Do you hear yourself? How is she going to be your wife when she walked out on you and you can’t find her? Face it, she doesn’t want you, and you don’t need her. You are a star, and you could have a long life in this business if you don’t fuck this up. There are plenty of women out there.”
“Piss off, you don’t know what you are talking about, and you don’t know her!”
“OK Danny, when you are ready to hear the truth, let me know. In the mean time, if you want to keep your job you’d better get your ass over here tonight. You signed a two-picture deal and if you aren’t ready to go back to work, that company will sue you. You know what that will mean—all that money and hard work will get flushed down the toilet.”
Danny wasn’t listening, his mind could not hold any more—it was full thinking about Sydney. Danny managed to pull together his body to meet Max. The hotel phone rang and rang—it was Max again.
“I’m coming Max!” he shouted and slammed the phone to the floor.
Danny willed his feet out of the chair on to the floor, into his clothes, and then into his shoes. He had no desire for anything but a drink. He could barely dress himself after showering, and he did not shave.
He stood in a dark and lonely place with no light in sight. He had this flaw; it started when he was a teenager, and the day his mother left his father taking only his twin brother Jeremy. He had not seen them since he was twelve years old. Shortly afterwards, at sixteen, his life descended into hell with drinking. Now he was traveling that lonely road again.
Danny lumbered into the elevator taking the same path Sydney walked to leave him. Why was everyone leaving him he thought? He stood in one of the many lobbies of the Wynn Hotel, as he struggled to place sunglasses on his eyes; it was in the middle of the night. His desire was to hide because he did not want the world to know he exists. What did it matter? He was lonely and unloved—a gorgeous hunk of a man, a movie star, and alone again.
He put his hands into his pockets and walked down the long corridor of shops lined on each side of the walkway. People walking were smiling. That should have been me, he thought. Laughter surrounded him but it was not enough to lighten his spirits.
He quietly stepped out of the Wynn at midnight and no one noticed him. He put one foot in front of another, he looked up to see the sky, and the lights that caused excitement that touched everyone but him. Sydney touched his soul, she brought pleasure into his life, and light into his darken heart. He walked slowly, wondering what he could have done wrong. Finally, he reached Caesars.
He took the long route through the shops because he wanted to blend in and have time to think before he entered the bar. He saw a young woman turn to acknowledge that she recognized him. The woman looked and quickly turned her head. Maybe it wasn’t Danny McCloud. How could this be Danny? This man looked a mess.
That confident swagger was gone, the walk he had for Sydney that made him feel as if he was the luckiest man in the world—gone. Finally, Danny reached the bar and there sat Max with a young beauty. Danny slumped into the chair with his head bent looking at the floor. He did not make eye contact with Max or Page—he was in a wilderness of pain.
“Danny this is Page, Page Danny.” Max said gesturing.
“Your producers left, because I couldn’t hold them here any longer. You will have to see them again in L.A.”
Danny did not hear Max and he barely noticed the young woman sitting next to him. Her long curvaceous legs made her stance about six feet without high heels, which made her taller than Danny, who is six two. He did not notice her statuesque body, or whether she was pretty or gorgeous, he lacked interest. He was cold.
Page enthralled at the sight of this handsome actor, could not take her eyes off him. She became quiet, listening attentively as Danny and Max talked.
Page lived in New York, and Max represented her at his agency. She is a model and wanted to move into acting. Page was ambitious and willing to do what was necessary to get what she wanted. Her currency was her beauty and other covert behaviors. Her complexion rosy and youthful, a brunette, and at a glance her features were a younger version of Sydney.
Danny sobered up long enough to glance at Page, and during a conversation with Max, he noticed that she resembled Sydney.
Danny remembered thinking that Sydney was older than Page, but Sydney had an innocence about her that was not apparent in Page.
Page was hard, posing as soft, cold trying for hot, outer beauty but no inner beauty. She was a contradiction, so much so, that Danny did not recognize it
until it was too late. This was not a flaw in his character; he just could not recognize anything since Sydney disappeared. Page eased up to Danny studying his every mood, like a panther waiting for a prey. She was soon to pounce and eat him alive.
“Can I buy you a drink, Danny?” She purred, looking through his facade.
“No” I don’t allow women to buy me. I mean to buy me drinks,” he said making a Freudian slip.
Danny didn’t notice Page until he drank four glasses of straight Scotch. He did not notice when Max slipped away. He did not notice his steps that took him to Page’s room.
“You’re beautiful Sydney,” he exclaimed in a fog saturated by liquor.
Page never corrected him; she just fed him more Scotch. Then she spoke with her head teetering side to side in a street gesture, “I’ve got something that’s going to get you higher and make you forget this Sydney.”
“I don’t want to forget Sydney; I just want to get high, bring it on,” he stated out of his mind.
Page poured her cache of cocaine on to a mirror, snorted some, and offered it to Danny. She showed him what to do and he was all game. As the white powder circled his brain he shouted, WOW!
Danny found himself in a death dance with drugs; his party with Page lasted all day and into the night. He discovered that he could experience orgasm after orgasm. Well, that was for the first day, then his body was spent; he emptied himself of the longing for Sydney’s body. He was now in love with the drug, and he thought he was in love with that young version of Sydney.
Page took the drug in stride, it did not affect her the way it affected Danny. She was calm, but Danny’s heart was racing as soon as he started coming down. He was hooked on cocaine and Page knew it.
Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts Page 4