Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts

by Rice, Rachel E.

  At the time he moved out of the bedroom, I remember thinking that this was a great thing, because I didn’t get anything out of the sexual stuff—I could go for a lifetime without ever having another sexual experience again.

  I mistakenly thought that Mike had the same inclinations. I had very little experience with men. I had the tendency to think that men are the same as women. I remembered reading somewhere that, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, something to that effect. I colored a man’s experiences like my own.

  I had to talk to someone, so I called Heather. Heather met me at the local restaurant for steaks. Heather loved a good steak, and wine to compliment her meal. She said she needed the energy to get her through the day.

  We discussed her husband and children, suddenly as if her family was not interesting enough, she zeroed in on my life as if she needed a movie of the week to make her day.

  “Sydney I thought you would have kids by now.”

  “You mean a goat. Mike doesn’t want pets around,” I said with a grin. I knew what she meant. I knew what hill she was climbing.

  “Sydney, don’t be coy, why aren’t you pregnant by now?”

  “Mike and I agreed not to have any children just yet.”

  “You two have been married for a year and he is twenty years older than you,” Heather stated with a puzzled look on her face.

  “We are not sleeping together, and I don’t know how we can have children if there is no sex,” I said, as if I thought everyone had that type of arrangement.

  “What! What! Are you serious? Stop! Stop!” Heather repeated in disbelief.

  “I don’t think there is anything wrong with what we’re doing.”

  “Did Mike agree to this?” Heather questioned.

  “He was the one who moved into the downstairs bedroom.”

  “I can’t believe what I’m hearing.”

  “You act like that is something uncommon in a marriage. He said he was interested in my mind.”

  “Now I know you have lost it.”

  “I like the arrangement, I don’t have to engage in something that I get nothing out of,” I said sounding too stupid to know the difference.

  “I can’t believe with television and the internet to give you information on people and the world, that you would say something that I heard my mother say, and even she wasn’t that naïve.” Heather continued with a look of sheer pity for me, however, that didn’t keep her from giving me a few small news briefs.

  “What do you think Mike is doing? Have you questioned him? Have you even ventured into his bedroom to investigate?”

  “He’s always home and I hear him occasionally playing some videos.”

  “Are you sure he is playing videos? What kind of marriage is that anyway?”

  “Mike gives me everything. I don’t want for anything. He doesn’t want me to work and I don’t enjoy sex anyway.”

  “This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard…ever. How many men have you had contact with in your life that you think that you don’t want to have sex, and may never?”

  I felt embarrassed to answer, but I did—“three.”

  “You are twenty five and that’s all the men you have had?” Heather was almost laughing as she continued to mock me.

  “Three, three, are you sure you didn’t forget someone?”

  I didn’t know the right answer; was I suppose to say five, ten, fifteen, or maybe a hundred? I just did not know the answer—all I knew was that Heather thought three was not enough.

  “Sydney, let me get this straight, you had sex with two boys in college and one man in your lifetime. Well not to get personal, but did you have sex on your wedding night?”

  “Yes, why are you asking?”

  “What about after that?”

  “Once after that.”

  “And then what?” Heather gestured for more information.

  “Mike moved downstairs, because he was having trouble sleeping, and he could rest better alone.”

  “That didn’t ring a bell? Hello is anyone home?”

  “Why is that strange?”

  “Honey, sweetie, did you discuss this with anyone?”

  “No, should I have?”

  “Hello, is anyone home? You should have discussed that with your mother. It is unusual for a man not to sleep with his wife after two nights into their honeymoon, and for a year.” Heather just shook her head. I could read her mind, what planet did Sydney step off?

  I had to be from another planet—planet Know Nothing about Sex and Men. I didn’t like the feeling that I didn’t know about the affairs of the heart, life, and love.

  I took the wrong road and now I have to get on the road that has been traveled more—the road of sex and pleasure. I’m sure that is what Heather meant.

  The conversation with Heather made me curious about what Mike was about. I knew little of this man I was living with, and I didn’t know him intimately. I felt it was about time I learned.

  I arrived home from my outing to discover the man I called my husband. I walked into his downstairs bedroom. It was a bedroom for a man. I felt relieved that he didn’t have a pink bedspread hiding in the closet. I felt that he was not gay, but what exactly was going on with him? He was a sexual man and he proved it on two occasions.

  I searched around and nothing gave me pause to think that he was someone that preferred men. I decided to look further, and then I realized, I was searching my husband’s private room. How would I feel if he did the same? I rationalized that he had done worse to me, and I continued without my conscience getting in the way.

  Mike denied me love and a little happiness. I felt the coldness of my body throughout the year I lived with him. Maybe it was partly my fault because I could have given in to his demands. My hands moved over the clothes in his drawer and rested on women panties and a video tape. I suddenly became angry. I felt betrayed and thought I couldn’t bring myself to look at the video, but I did—every second, every minute, and every hour.

  Chapter 14

  There was Mike, my wonderful understanding husband in a compromising position with several women. He didn’t appear to like them for their minds, but for their bodies, and the sexual tricks he and they were performing on each other. I thought I would be hurt, but I wasn’t. I realized that I was never physically attracted to this man, and I married him to say that I could get married.

  As I continued watching a jaw dropping performance by my husband, I heard his car roll up the driveway. I heard the car door open and shut, and the sound of keys placed into the door. I didn’t consider pretending I wasn’t in his room. I made up my mind to confront him.

  I sat on the bed and waited for him to enter his room. I even left the television on to prevent him from lying to me.

  “Sydney, what are you doing in here?”

  How special, he acted surprised. “I thought I would entertain myself with the latest video of you having oral sex with someone who appears to be our neighbors.”

  Mike casually looked at me as he put down his briefcase and began to undress,” Those are movies of me before I met you,” he said.“I suppose that makes it OK. It’s OK to keep videos like these in our house.”

  “Yes when I’m not having a sexual relationship with my wife.”

  “It was you who moved to this room after declaring that it’s more important to have a relationship with my mind instead of my body.”

  “You could have stopped me at any time, but you didn’t sweetheart,” Mike said as he moved in my direction. He had taken his shirt off and I looked at his bare chest for the first time in a year.

  “Now you are blaming me for this void in our life,” I resisted and walked away from his kiss.

  “No Sydney, I’m not blaming you, it’s me; I’m the dysfunctional one when it comes to sex.”

  “Well you looked like you were operating on all fronts and there didn’t appear to be anything non-functioning.”

  He sat next to me on the
bed and tried to act as if he was teaching me about men.

  “Sydney it’s like this, I’m not aroused by one woman. I need more than one and at the same time,” he stated matter-of-fact in his down-home southern drawl.

  “Let me understand this clearly. You are not turned on by just me, in fact, you need someone else.”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before we married?”

  “I thought you could be the one to cure me of this.” He stated standing behind me and caressing my hair.

  I pulled away and peered at him. “You didn’t wait to find out whether I would satisfy you. You just moved into the room downstairs. I can’t forgive you for what you have done. You have helped ruin a marriage and a life I should have had with someone else.”

  “We can start all over again.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I can move back to your room and we can reserve this room for our threesome.” Mike said hoping I was foolish enough to accept his offer.

  I thought someone had put me in a boxing ring with the heavy weight champion of the world and I had just been K.O. in the first round.

  Did I hear him right? I have spent a year of my life with a man I didn’t know, or was it because I didn’t want to know him. How screwed up can this be? Well I guess it was better than finding out he was an ax murderer, I told myself; as I stared at Mike to figure out what to do next. I knew that I was the kind of person that would never put up with that type of arrangement. I hadn’t lived, this is my first marriage if you can call it that, and here I am deciding whether we should have someone else in my bed with my husband. How stupid does he think I am?

  “This is not Big Love, and I’m not one of those women who think this is OK,” I told him as firmly as I could.

  “I’m not asking you to accept this on a full time basis, only when I have a need.”

  “When you have a need for someone else?” I asked incredulously. I could not believe what I was hearing. Maybe he thought I was totally crazy. I may have been a lot of things but not that.

  “Well you can do what you want, but it will not be with me,” I said as I walked up the stairs to pack my clothes.

  I left Mike’s house without him asking me to stay. I thought he should have begged me not to go, but he didn’t say a word. I drove to Heather’s home and asked her to put me up for a week. She agreed after wanting to hear all the sordid details. I informed her that there were only a few—I lied.

  I secured a job and began earning my own money. I wondered why it took me so long to stand on my own. I knew the answer. I was afraid to be alone in the world. I thought I needed to be with someone, but if that someone was going to make me miserable, and change me into something I couldn’t recognize, then I would be better off without anyone.

  Mike caused me to see men differently, which turned me off to any type of dating. I did not hear from Mike and he did not initiate a divorce; I didn’t divorce him, because I couldn’t afford the divorce on a teacher’s salary.

  I arrived at my apartment after work, and to my surprise Mike stood waiting for me.

  “Sydney, can I talk to you?”

  “Sure Mike.” I wasn’t angry with Mike. I never loved him, and I was glad to be out of the relationship. Maybe I was as much to blame as he was.

  “Can I come in?”

  “Yes, but you can’t stay long. I have loads of papers to correct; well you know how it is.”

  “I wanted you to know that I made a mistake. I have been trying to figure out why I am the way I am,” Mike stated convincingly.

  “Wait Mike, I don’t think I want to go into this with you again.”

  “Would you consider coming back to me?”

  In my mind, I would never consider dealing with a man like that in any lifetime again, but I didn’t tell him that. I just smiled and said I would think about it, and I showed him the door. I had been out of that nightmare for a year and there was no way I would crawl back into that lion’s den.

  Mike continued to call and send me flowers and beg me to return to him. It was the life that I had been use to that made me consider his begging and pleading. He bombarded me with presents and pledges. He must have been a boy scout sometime in his life. He pledged to change; he pledged to see a marriage and sexual counselor. He pledged to love me. He made so many pledges that I should have seen a warning somewhere. I thought that it was my duty as a wife to try to resolve our problems, and my duty as a wife was to give him a second chance.

  After informing Heather about my decision, she warned me, but I didn’t listen. I did not consult anyone because I was naïve enough to believe that I could change a skunk into a pussycat. I guess that is what women live for—changing men and children.

  I succumbed to the charms of Mike. The first night was the night I wanted my honeymoon to be. I dressed in a see-through negligee I bought at one of Heather’s home parties that advertise to the bored and lonely homemakers of the world.

  Women congregate to discuss and try to figure out what they can do to turn men on. I found myself participating in that endless waste of time.

  I say that because I found out that you can swing on a chandelier with only a thong on your behind, but if that man is not into you, it will not make a damn bit of difference; the only thing you will get for your efforts are a serious whiplash and a paper cut in your butt.

  I didn’t swing on a chandelier, but I tried everything, and I bought all the party favors including the edible panties. Mike tried to act as if he was a new man, but it didn’t take long for the old Mike to emerge.

  In only a week, he began to discuss the pros of indulging in a threesome. I reacted by screaming and locking him out of the room. I tried to remind him of his standing in the community. He wasn’t fazed by the lost of his teaching job at the nearby college. That was a cover. It appears people only let you see what they want you to see, and in the dark, nothing is ever what it seems.

  Mike was possessed with his sexual fantasies. I reminded him that he agreed to seek a marriage counselor for help, but he conveniently forgot.

  Again, caught in a quagmire of deceit, and this time I had to endure whatever came my way. I drew the line at participating in a threesome. I told Mike that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it. Therefore, I would allow him to experiment with his fantasies; however, he would have to participate alone. I carelessly helped this man create an open marriage where the only person benefiting was Mike.

  Mike jumped into his life with all fours and immediately began to date other women. I insisted that he not bring any home, which he respected for a while. I knew he was going out to have intercourse with at least two women at a time. The very thought of it sickened me, and the prospect of him wanting me to join in, distorted my concept of marriage. I had become damaged goods, because I never experienced a decent relationship with a man. My first time out was with a man that craves a different life style than the one I expected.

  I guess I was a product of too many fairy tales where you live happily ever after. Not even Princess Diana lived happily ever after. I shudder to think how she kissed a frog hoping for a prince. My prince would stay a frog, and I will be the sad Cinderella that is waiting for my prince to find me. Most frogs have some warts; some are completely covered as was the case with Mike.

  Mike became very bold as his insatiable desire for sex was not met by me. He began perusing the internet to find partners. His ultimate fantasy was to have a wife that would create an environment where after a hard day at the office, then he could come home every day and have orgies. He had nerves to tell me his fantasies. I listened, and my skin began to crawl with disgust.

  “Sydney all I want is to have you and another woman make love to me, and I make love to both of you.”

  “Mike what you are talking about is not love, it is pure sex.”

  “What is wrong with having it all?”

  “There is no such thing as having it all. You want me to give up my b
eliefs and everything I thought I wanted for my life, to engage in your fantasy.”

  “What is wrong with enjoying your life the way you want?”

  “Nothing, if deception is not a part of it.”

  “But you knew this when you came back to me, Sydney.”

  “There is no talking to you and I see you will never change; I’m moving out and this is the last time we will ever have this discussion!” I said.

  Mike didn’t seem to care if I was leaving him. He took everything in stride. He did not say a word or ask me to stay. He had this look of relief on his face. I didn’t love Mike so the lack of emotions relieved me of the burden I carried.

  I packed my clothes a second time and moved out of his house. I stayed for a short time with my sister, Carrie. I soon found a job, found an apartment, and found the life I lost. I didn’t know where it was heading, but my life couldn’t get any worse, I thought.

  * * * *

  I called a friend name Zack, and he asked me out to a restaurant on a double date with a friend name Robert. Robert’s date was a girl I met while in college named Allyson.

  Zack picked me up in his very expensive Mercedes sports car. All I know is it far exceeded his paycheck, but that was O.K. because his family was filthy rich and he was the only child.

  It was a steamy night in Houston, and all I thought about was why I was on this date anyway. Zack and I had nothing in common except we were both the same type of people. We were polite, quiet, and lonely. We made small talk.

  “Sydney, I hear you are getting a divorce.”

  “Yes, but I can’t afford to pay a lawyer until I get a better job.”

  “How about coming to work with me?”

  “Do you mean it?”

  “Sure, I could use more help with editing this magazine.”

  “I know the company belongs to your family, but will they allow you to hire me?”

  “I hire whom I want as long as I keep things going and don’t make too many mistakes. I know you are no mistake.”