The Man He Never Was

by James L. Rubart

  “Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?”

  Sloane eased into the room and sat on a chair at the kitchen desk Toren had made for her when he’d first started working with restored wood. She set her elbow on the cedar, stared at its beauty for a moment, then rested her chin in her hand.

  “Yes.”

  The word came out like lead.

  “I guessed that’s what you were going to do.” Callie went to the window and gazed outside. “When are you going to be doing it?”

  “Soon.”

  “I see.”

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” She turned. “I’ll still see him lots, won’t I?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does he want to divorce you, or do you want to divorce him?”

  “Me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because.”

  Tears formed in Callie’s eyes, and as Sloane stared at her daughter, it struck her that she’d answered Callie with one-word answers from the moment she’d stepped into the kitchen. It took her back to when Callie was just barely over age four and there’d been an almost identical conversation. But it hadn’t been between the two of them; it had been between Callie and Toren.

  “Who loves your mom more than the whole world?”

  “You!”

  “Who loves your brother more than the whole world?”

  “You!”

  “Who loves you more than the whole world?”

  “You!”

  “Who is loved by her mom and her brother and her dad more than the whole world?”

  “Me!”

  “Who will love each other forever and ever and ever and ever?”

  “Us!”

  “Will the four of us ever, ever, ever be apart?”

  “Never!”

  Toren started doing it every night when he tucked Callie into bed. Then it expanded to include Colton, and then her. It had become their family’s unwritten slogan, whispered and shouted and laughed about for years. When had that tradition slipped out of existence? When had that memory faded from her mind?

  Sloane stood, shuffled over to the entryway, and picked up the manila envelope she’d left there. She slipped the papers out and stared at Toren’s signature. There was no yellow sticky note next to his name, begging her to reconsider, no final plea for her to change her mind. Just his signed name under the printed Toren Samuel Daniels.

  A thought flickered in her mind and her heart skipped. She flipped the papers over, knowing there would be a sticky note with words on it in his hand that would . . .

  There was nothing but the clean white back of the papers that would change her life forever.

  That night, sleep and prayers were mixed in equal measure, but by morning she knew what she had to do. After the kids left for school, she picked up her phone and called Levi. He answered on the first ring.

  “Hey, babe, we still on for tomorrow night?”

  Sloane swallowed hard and tried to sound normal. “I’m wondering if we can get together today.”

  “Sure, I suppose. There a reason?”

  “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about.”

  Levi paused before answering. “You okay?”

  “Yes, I’m okay. But I need to—”

  “You’re not okay, I can tell. Talk to me.”

  Sloane closed her eyes and gripped her phone tighter. “Can we just get together?”

  “Sure.” Levi’s voice was a mixture of concern and frustration. “What if we meet for coffee in an hour?”

  “Or we could meet down at Juanita Bay Park.”

  “I like that idea. A romantic stroll among the flowers and water . . . see if we can spot the beavers while we listen to the songbirds? And did I mention the romantic part?”

  “You did.” Sloane scraped a laugh together, then said, “I’ll see you in sixty.”

  She hung up and wiped her damp hands on her jeans.

  She pulled into the parking lot at Juanita Bay Park fifty-three minutes later. Early, in order to get a chance to breathe, to sit in the silence and not worry about the fact she had no idea what she was going to say to Levi. A chance to walk down a path or two and back to the parking lot before he got there.

  Thirty seconds later Levi’s truck pulled in beside her. No! Why couldn’t he be on time for once instead of always early? She glanced over, returned a weak smile in response to his wide grin, then yanked her keys out of the ignition and stepped out of her car.

  “Hey, beautiful.”

  He came around the back of her car and seconds later slid his arm around her waist. Sloane spun away before his kiss could reach her cheek.

  “Did I miss something, or did you just spin your way out of a smooch?”

  “You don’t like my new dance move?”

  Lame. As if he’d believe that.

  “No, not really.” Levi was still smiling, but the dimmer switch in his eyes had been turned down. “You want to tell me what’s going on?”

  “Let’s walk.”

  They wandered down the path to the narrow bridges traversing the northeastern edges of Lake Washington. The water was full of reeds and turtles and fish slaloming just below the surface. Levi reached out and took Sloane’s hand. She gave him a quick squeeze, then pulled away.

  “You want to tell me what’s going on?” He tried to chuckle. “What? Are you breaking up with me?”

  Sloane stared at him till tears started to rise, then looked away and watched a dark-green turtle slip into the water.

  “That’s a joke, Sloane.”

  She glanced at him, then back to the water.

  “You gotta be kidding me.” Levi’s eyes went dark. “You are?”

  “No.”

  “You’re not breaking up with me then.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “What?” Levi stepped closer, his eyes incredulous. “Talk to me, Sloane. What. Is. Going. On?”

  She didn’t want to answer. He knew already. Had to know. It had to be scrawled all over her face. She turned, and they stared at each other long enough that the only thing left was to speak it out to make it real. But it wasn’t real, was it? So much of her screamed it wasn’t, but even greater was the whisper that said it was.

  “I need time.”

  “For what?”

  “You know what.”

  Levi kicked at a stone and sent it into the water.

  “Do you want to be with him or with me? Which is it?”

  “Something’s happened to him. I can’t explain it . . .” She trailed off.

  “Let’s cut to the chase. In fact, let’s cut to the end of the chase. What does the car wreck look like? Is it his or mine?”

  “Don’t ask that,” Sloane whispered. “Give me a moment to think, okay?”

  Levi laughed bitterly, then turned and stared at her as his eyes slowly narrowed. “You promised me his coming back wouldn’t affect you. Wouldn’t affect you and me. At all. You promised.”

  “You’re right, I did.”

  Levi pressed his lips together hard, eyes closed. When he opened them, a resigned look filled his face.

  “I get it.” Levi stopped and shoved his hands in his pockets. “First love. There’s part of you way down that hasn’t ever forgotten that. And that part is wondering.”

  She stared at him for a few seconds, then said the words that would wound him deeply. “I’m not wondering.”

  “Ah. There it is.”

  Sloane nodded slowly, then softly said, “I didn’t see this coming.”

  He didn’t answer.

  “I can’t marry you now. I am so sorry. At this point, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to.”

  Sloane closed her eyes, took in a long breath, and released it slowly through her nostrils. When the air was gone, she took in another deep breath, opened her eyes, and looked around. Levi was disappearing around a corner in the path. She turned and roamed deeper into the park, thinking, praying, not thinking, staring at the water, the tu
rtles, two beavers that came out to play. After forty minutes slipped by, when the time was exactly right, Sloane pulled out her phone and dialed. Two rings. Three. Then Toren’s voice filling her mind, and quite possibly her heart as well.

  CHAPTER 49

  A YEAR AND A HALF LATER

  “Let’s do something crazy.” Sloane’s eyes flashed with the kind of light Toren had never been able to refuse. Never wanted to refuse.

  He laughed as they sat in their gazebo watching the sky fill with gold. “Whatever it is, I’m in.”

  “This fall. Something certifiably insane.”

  “Tell me.”

  “Get married again.” Her eyebrows rose.

  “What?”

  “Renew our vows. You and me and Colton and Callie. No one else, just the four of us.”

  “Are you serious?”

  “Deadly. Let’s fly to someplace exotic like New Zealand or Fiji or Belize and do it all over again.” She paused, a playful smile on her face. “And maybe invite one guest.”

  “Eden.”

  “Yes.”

  Toren took Sloane’s hand in his. “Crazy.”

  “Very crazy.”

  Three months later, Toren and Sloane stood on a tiny island off the north coast of Fiji, white sand under their bare feet, palm trees and lush jungle to their left, aqua-blue water to their right. A soft breeze brought hints of the ocean mixed with Sloane’s perfume, Beautiful. She wore a sleeveless white top and a tropical skirt. Her hair was up, accented by a single flower. Toren sported a darkgreen collared shirt with palm trees that matched her skirt and khaki shorts. Sandals? Not a chance. Bare feet all the way.

  “You good?” he asked as he studied her eyes. “You still want to do this?”

  “Without question.”

  He pulled her close and kissed her lightly on the cheek. A moment later she drew his mouth to hers for a long, long time.

  “Oh, come on, knock it off!” Colton called out. They pulled apart to find Colton, Callie, and Eden strolling toward them.

  “You guys are so gross,” Colton continued. “This is a G-rated beach.”

  Toren turned to Sloane. “What, hitting twelve suddenly gives him the right to talk to us like that?”

  “Precisely.”

  They laughed and watched the three of them amble over the sand.

  “You ready, Mom? Dad?” Callie asked when she reached them.

  “More than,” Sloane said.

  As they meandered toward the spot they’d picked out, Sloane asked Toren if he’d told Colton to conduct the service with reverence or a lighter touch.

  “I told him to do whatever the Spirit led him to do.”

  “Oh boy.”

  Sloane squeezed his hand and smiled. When they reached the spot, Colton said, “I have to tell you, this feels so weird. I mean, me? Marrying you guys?”

  It was the perfect statement to break any tension, and they all laughed.

  The ceremony started with Callie singing “Brighter Than Sunshine” with more feeling and passion than had ever been recorded. Then she nodded to Colton, who stepped up to Sloane and Toren and asked them to take hands.

  He tilted his head back and cried, “Mahwage! Mahwage is wot bwings us twogeddah today!”

  All of them burst into laughter, and when they finally stopped, Toren said, “You had to bring The Princess Bride into this, didn’t you?”

  “You loved it, Dad, don’t even try to deny it.”

  “True.”

  The breeze picked up and wandered through the trees and their hair as Colton led them in their vows and Eden prayed a blessing over them that was pure gold. After congratulations and hugs were given all around, Eden said, “I think we’re going to give the newlyweds a little time alone before the skiff comes back to pick us up.”

  But before they could wander off, Sloane took Eden’s hands. “What you have done for us is beyond priceless. I don’t know how to say thank you.”

  Eden smiled and drew Sloane in for a long hug. When they finally parted, Sloane narrowed her eyes and smiled.

  “I think you might be an angel.”

  “No more than you,” Eden said.

  Eden, Colton, and Callie strolled off, their feet scuffling through the white sand. As if preplanned, Eden moved between their children and took each of them by the hand. Colton and Callie turned to her almost in unison, then both put their arms around her neck and the three walked on as one.

  “I’m happy, Toren. Truly happy. More than I’ve ever been.”

  “I’m not perfect. I still get mad sometimes.”

  “No, you’re not, and yes, you do.” Sloane’s eyes grew serious. “And it took a while, but I finally admitted what I knew in the first month after your final time at the octagon: the change in you this time was not a fix, but a revolution.”

  “How did you know?”

  Sloane gazed out over the ocean and tried to pull her hands out of his, but he held tight.

  “Tell me, Sloane.”

  “I had to know. So I pushed every one of your most sensitive buttons, to see how you’d react.”

  Toren snorted out a disbelieving laugh. “You tried to get me to lose my temper?”

  “A little bit maybe.”

  He shook his head and smiled. “Apparently I passed the audition.”

  “Flying colors.”

  They talked about the future, but mostly about now, and far too soon Toren spotted the skiff approaching to take them back to the mainland. A few minutes later, Colton, Callie, and Eden appeared.

  Toren studied the woman who had transformed his life in every way and set him into a kind of freedom he’d only dreamed of. When they reached him and Sloane, Toren said, “I don’t know how to show my gratitude to you for ushering me into a life I never knew existed, my dear sister.”

  He drew Eden to his chest, squeezed her tight, and kissed the top of her head, then stepped back and peered into her eyes. “You are a light of such incredible brilliance.”

  “You did it, Toren, truly. All I did was show you a path. You walked down it. You chose to see. To love.”

  “How can I repay you? Anything, tell me.”

  “In two simple ways.” Eden smiled as she tilted her head to the side. “Continue on this journey. Continue to know who you truly are. Continue to step into the way of authentic love for yourself and for those around you in more and more moments throughout the day. Continue to shine as the light of the world, because that is what you are.”

  She stopped, and he couldn’t tell if she’d decided not to make her second request. “And?” he said finally.

  “Think about this idea. Seek the counsel of the Spirit as to whether you should or not. Will you do that for me, dear brother?”

  She paused again so long that Toren finally laughed and said, “Are you going to tell me what the idea is?”

  “I’m wondering if you already know. Do you?”

  He didn’t, and then he did, or at least he suspected what the idea was.

  “Join you. Do the work.”

  “We could use another man on the team.”

  The idea overwhelmed Toren, but he said he’d think about it, pray about it, talk to Sloane about it.

  Then Eden turned to Sloane.

  “I’d like to give you something. A wedding present, if you will, although you might not see it that way. Which is fine. But not for both of you. Just for you.”

  Sloane’s eyes glistened, her mouth trying not to smile. “I would trust anything you give me to be a gift of great value.”

  Eden nodded and reached into the tiny satchel at her side, but her hand stayed inside the bag. “Are you sure?”

  Sloane glanced at Toren and laughed. “Of course.”

  “Good.”

  Eden handed Sloane a small square envelope. One side was a brilliant snow white. The other like onyx. She turned the envelope over in her hands and ran her finger along the edge.

  “What is this, Eden?” Sloane said.

 
Eden took Sloane in a tender embrace and whispered in her ear. Toren didn’t need to know what Eden had told his bride. He knew what was inside the envelope. He was certain of it.

  It was an invitation to visit Eden at a certain spot in the San Juan Islands in a certain room with eight sides, where Sloane would be invited on a journey to a world of love and light and truth far beyond what she could imagine.

  DISCUSSION QUESTIONS

  1.What are the main elements you took away from The Man He Never Was?

  2.What do you feel are the main themes of the novel?

  3.I have the feeling many readers will anticipate the twist at the end of the book coming, even though they might not be sure till the climactic scene. Did you?

  4.Do you believe we all have a dark side?

  5.How does that dark side compare and contrast with the side other people see?

  6.Has your dark side come out in different situations? What were they?

  7.Can you put into words what constitutes your dark side?

  8.In Romans chapter 7 (which was an inspiration for The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, as well as my novel) we see a description of the two sides of ourselves, and the civil war going on inside each of us. How do you see that civil war playing out in your own life?

  9.In the end, Toren realizes he is not the dark man, or the good man described in Romans 7, but is “a new creature” in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17). Do you think of yourself as good or bad, or do you think of yourself as the third option, crucified, the old you no longer alive, but Christ now living in you (Galatians 2:20)?

  10.During Toren’s final battle with Hyde, he realizes his only hope for victory (and his greatest weapon) is love, specifically loving himself. Many people find it extremely difficult to love themselves. Do you find that people have a tough time loving themselves? Why do you think it’s so hard for them?

  11.Many of us find it much easier to love and forgive others than ourselves. Do you? Why do you think that is?

  12.Eden encourages Toren to focus not on the things that can be seen with our physical eyes, but on the things that can only be seen with our spiritual eyes. Is that easy or challenging for you to do? What does that look like in your life? In what situations is it easy? In what kind of situations is it hard?