by Karina Bliss
Lewis yawned again, his gaping mouth all but obscuring his face. Claire smiled and made another call. “Time for bed, son.”
He started to protest.
“Or you can skip the early bridge jump and stay up,” said Dan.
It was a long-standing tradition that visitors to Stingray Bay jump off the footbridge on an outgoing tide then float the half mile to the bach.
“Fine, I’ll hit the sack,” Lewis said grudgingly.
“Are you joining us, Claire?” Ross said, and she encountered four male grins.
She played the game. “Try and stop me.”
“Mum, you know you’ll chicken out. You do it every time.”
“Well, if she does, she can paddle home in the kayak with me,” Ross said. Claire saw Nate glance at his friend’s damaged leg, then away. He’s made his peace with it, she wanted to say, but this was for them to resolve privately.
“I think I’ll turn in, too,” she said.
Collecting the empty mugs, she bent to hug Ross, realizing only when she was hugging Dan that it would seem odd if she left Nate out.
Self-consciousness hit her as she turned and saw the tension in Nate’s shoulders. He’d realized the same thing. “Sleep well,” he said, his gaze left of her ear.
Steadying herself on his shoulders, Claire leaned forward to give him a light kiss on the cheek. Misreading her intention as drawing in for a hug, Nate turned his head. Mouths brushed, noses bumped. Instinctively, each recoiled. Claire stumbled back and tripped over Ross’s bad leg. His arm shot out to catch her.
“I’m so sorry.”
“No harm done.” Ross’s gaze flickered between her and Nate. In her peripheral vision, she noted a sudden stillness in Dan’s posture.
Casually Nate gave his empty mug to Lewis. “Take this up for me, will you, buddy…. Got the flashlight?”
“Yep.” Lewis switched it on, the glare full in Nate’s face. It was as red as Claire’s felt. “Oops, sorry.” Lewis angled the beam downward.
“Lead the way, honey.” Claire escaped the circle of firelight. “Good night, everyone!” Cheeks flaming, she followed the dancing beam up the path cut into the bank that connected the estuary to the bach, feeling the foliage of the agapanthus shrubs brush against her jeans. They might as well have put a sign up. Awkward attraction here. Lewis strode ahead oblivious, pointing the flashlight at the bank in a hunt for rabbits. “Did I tell you we went possum hunting one night, Mum?”
“No, I hope you didn’t catch any.”
“They’re pests. They strip the bark off trees.”
“Sounds like you had a great stay at the farm.”
“Yeah, I really liked it. It’ll be good to get gaming again, though. Some guys at my new school said as long as you’ve got a microphone you can set up your computer so you can all talk to each other during the game. If I had headphones we wouldn’t disturb you.”
Claire smiled. “That’s so thoughtful.”
“You wanted me to interact with the kids at my new school,” he reminded her.
She laughed. “I was talking about in person.”
“That reminds me. Remember Callum in my new soccer team has a pool party in Whangarei for his birthday. Now I’m home early, I can go, right?” Without giving her a chance to reply, he added, “You liked his mom, remember? And Callum’s a nerd, your favorite kind of friend for me.”
Claire ignored the sarcasm because she didn’t want to fight on his first night home. “Still an exaggerator,” she said lightly. “Yes, you can go.”
“They live around the corner from Nana’s. I could stay with her afterward to save you driving to pick me up.”
Claire was touched. “That’s very thoughtful, Lewis.”
He shrugged. “I have to stay with her one night through the holidays. Might as well get it over with.”
Shaking her head, she made up the other bed in Nate’s room while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. The other guys had pitched a tent in the yard.
Lewis returned in his pajamas and dumped his clothes at the end of the bed. “You think Nate will stay longer if I ask him?”
“Zander Freedman’s going on tour. Nate needs to get back to his job.”
“I wonder if they ever play guitar together.”
“You can ask him tomorrow.”
“I can ask him when he comes to bed.”
“I doubt you’ll be awake, the guys have some catching up to do.”
Lewis climbed under the covers. “Yeah, well, so do I…. Is my wet suit here? The water’s too cold to do the bridge jump without.”
“Yep, I brought both of ours.”
He laughed. “Mum, you are so not going to jump tomorrow. Admit it.”
“One day I’m going to surprise you.”
“Sure you are,” he said in that patronizing tone teenagers reserved for parental delusions. God help her, she’d even missed it.
Claire switched off the light. “Love you, Lewie.”
She waited, hopeful. Maybe being away— “I know,” he said.
With a silent sigh, she went to bed.
* * *
There was a long silence after Claire and Lewis left. Nate bought himself time by dropping more driftwood on the bonfire and sparks rose like fireflies, winking out as they cooled.
He didn’t even try to turn the subject. In special ops you evolved the capacity to read each other’s gestures, even minds sometimes. Survival depended on it.
“I suppose it makes sense,” Dan said at last. “You and Claire were always close.”
Nate stiffened. “If you’re suggesting I’ve spent years lusting after my best friend’s wife—”
“Don’t insult my integrity by suggesting I’d question yours,” Dan rebuked sharply. “Or Claire’s. We know each other better than that.”
“Nothing’s going on,” Nate clarified. “Nothing will. Claire and I are agreed on that.” Willpower had triumphed over emotion, but it didn’t feel like victory.
Ross snorted; Dan shook his head.
Nate glanced suspiciously from one to the other. “What?”
“The desperation,” Ross answered. “We recognize it, that’s all.”
“I don’t get it.”
“The point is, you don’t owe us an explanation,” Dan said. “It’s none of our business.”
Incredulous, Nate stared at him. “You should bloody care. This is Steve’s widow. You’re supposed to be protecting her from guys like me.”
“Women who choose military men are strong women,” Dan said. “They have to be. Claire doesn’t need our interference, only our support.” He gave a wry smile. “There’s a difference, apparently, one my wife is still teaching me.”
“But if this attraction goes anywhere,” Ross added, “then yeah, you’ll have to get your shit together and stop pretending you’re happy in Hollywood.”
“What time did you say you were leaving tomorrow?” Nate said bitterly.
Ross looked at him. “You think you’re not hurting us? You’re hurting us, Nate. We’ve been family to each other for ten years, and you’re breaking our fucking hearts.”
Nate blinked.
Ross eased his leg out to the fire. “And to answer your earlier question, yeah, there were times I wish I hadn’t survived. But having to come to terms with this injury has made me a better man.”
“I miss Steve and Lee so bad sometimes,” Dan said. “Eighteen months and sometimes it’s as raw as when it happened. Survivor’s guilt is difficult to come to terms with.”
Nate’s throat tightened. “I can’t talk about this stuff.”
“Look around this fire,” Ross said. “There are two men missing. We have no choice about that, but we do have a choice about losing you.”
“If what Steve would think is the only thing keeping you from Claire, then stop worrying,” said Dan. “He only cared that she was happy.”
“But you’d have to make her happy,” said Ross, and Nate felt as if he was under attack
by the tag team from hell. “That’s a big commitment. It can’t be tied up with grieving for Steve—for either of you.”
“Look, we don’t need to talk about it because it’s not going to happen,” he tried to end the conversation. “I’m leaving as soon as the papers are signed. Day after tomorrow.”
Dan stretched his hands to the fire. “If there had never been an ambush we’d all be sitting here now,” he commented as though Nate hadn’t spoken. “Lee would have been housebroken and making us laugh with some outrageous story. Steve would be sipping a beer and radiating the smug contentment of a happily married man. I have that smugness now,” he added. “I recommend it.”
“I will have it once Viv commits to a wedding date,” said Ross. “Can you believe it, she even called the engagement ring a friendship ring to wind me up. I can’t believe I’m actually begging a woman to marry me. It’s a crime.”
“It’s frontier justice,” Dan retorted. “And remember, you have to be on your best behavior for a year before I’m letting you hitch your star to my little sister’s.”
“This visit—” ignoring Dan, Ross addressed Nate “—I’m pinning her down to a date.”
Despite himself, Nate smiled at his earnestness. Unfortunately, Ice took that as encouragement. A glint entered his eye. “Viv’s flying in from New York Sunday night and she’d love to see you. And Dan and Jo will be in Auckland on Monday for Jo’s two-year checkup. Stay another few days,” he suggested.
“Yeah, mate,” Dan added quietly. “Stay and see that it’s still possible to be happy.”
Their affection settled over him, as warm and familiar as a child’s comforter. Nate pushed it away. “I can’t. Zander’s heading on tour, I’ve got to return for work.” He looked at Dan. “Why didn’t you tell me about Jo’s cancer?”
“Would you have come home?”
He remained silent.
“Something happened during that ambush that you’re not telling us,” Dan said. “Don’t shake your head…. I had to peel your fingers off the gun barrel. You’re trying to protect us—because that’s what you do. Protect Claire if you must, but not us. Whatever went down, we can handle it.”
Nate disagreed.
Dan read his face and sighed. “We’re here for you, mate. Anytime, anywhere.”
“I appreciate that.” he replied politely.
Ross said nothing. He had his Iceman’s face on, unreadable. But his fingers beat a frustrated tattoo against his good leg. Never a good sign.
“Get the cripple another beer?” he said to Dan.
“You’re perfectly capable of getting your own beer, Ice.”
“Humor me.”
A look passed between them. “You want a can, Nate?” Dan asked.
“Thanks—” he stood and stretched “—but I’m heading to bed.”
“Ten more minutes,” said Ross, and it wasn’t a request. Nate raised his brows. “Please,” Ross growled.
Reluctantly he sat down again.
“The problem with grieving,” Ross said when Dan was gone, “is that it makes you selfish. You forget your responsibilities to the living. That’s a lesson I recently learned, one I’m passing on. Shep needs his friends around if things don’t go well with Jo’s checkup. That’s all I have to say.”
Nate stared into the fire. This was why he’d made a life among strangers. His friends still had expectations of the man he used to be. Claire had taken a big risk bringing Lewis home and he’d sensed her tension as Nate responded to Lewis’s eager questions about life in Hollywood and suffered the boy’s hero worship. While his guilt returned, heavier than lead.
Dan returned, tossed Ross a beer. The conversation returned to sports. Nate made his token contribution. Inside he was in turmoil. Don’t need me. I’m unreliable, I’ll let you down. “I’m turning in,” he said abruptly.
“Yeah, it’s time we all did.”
They doused the fire, kicking sand over the traces, and then carried the empty cans and deck chairs up to the bach. “Night, guys.”
Dan grabbed him in a hug. He wasn’t expecting it and had no defense for the emotions that swamped him.
After the ambush, Dan had shadowed Nate through his darkest days. When he’d said, “I can’t get over this,” Dan had grabbed him by the shoulders and shaken him.
“You don’t disrespect their memory by holding your own life cheap, you hear me. I can’t lose you too.” He’d wept as he’d said it and Nate had thought dully, He’s right, death is too easy. It’s much harder to live.
So he’d said yes to the antidepressants, he’d bared his soul to a military psych who’d told him it wasn’t his fault and he’d left the friends he no longer deserved and made a life among people who didn’t give a damn about him.
Over Dan’s shoulder he met Ross’s eyes. Saw a plea where there hadn’t been one before.
“Call me as soon as you get results from Jo’s specialist,” he heard himself say to Dan. “If you need me around, I’ll stay.”
Chapter Sixteen
Nate only realized he was sharing with Lewis when he pushed aside the curtain and saw the boy asleep in the spare bed, mouth slightly open in a light snore. As the light shafted across his face, he shifted restlessly. Nate dropped the curtain and swore softly under his breath. It was clear Lewis wanted to talk about the ambush and Nate wasn’t ready…. Never would be.
“Is there a problem?”
Closing the patio doors en route to the tent, Ross paused. Talk about the devil and the deep blue sea.
“No.” Steeling himself, Nate yanked the curtain open, switching off the kitchen light at the same time. In the small bedroom he stood quietly waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Then, slipping off his boots and jacket, he crawled over the baseboard and lay down fully clothed. Lewis had stopped snoring.
“Nate?”
He deepened his breathing, mimicking sleep. The springs creaked on the other bed, and he sensed Lewis standing over him. Wanting to wake him, wanting to ask. A tentative hand touched his shoulder. “Nate?” the teenager whispered.
Turning as if in sleep, Nate rolled away. More seconds passed, ten…twenty. At last he heard the soft squeak of springs as Lewis returned to his bed. Within minutes the boy’s breathing had deepened into sleep.
Nate lay awake, staring into space.
Around 2:00 a.m. he saw Claire’s silhouette through the open curtain, moving silently around the kitchen as she found a glass and got herself some water. She paused at the doorway. Through half-closed lids, Nate watched her as she checked Lewis, and then glanced in the direction of Nate’s bed. Her face was in darkness, but he heard a soft sigh before she disappeared from sight.
Nate buried his face in the pillow to smother a groan. The next few days were going to be torture.
* * *
Claire woke to the sound of her son’s excited voice, followed by a grown male’s. “Keep it down, you’ll wake your mother.” She rolled over and peered at the clock: 5:55.
“I’m awake,” she grumbled. “And waiting for tea. And it better have two sugars if it’s not six yet.”
Silence.
“Still a morning person, huh,” Ross muttered.
“I heard that.”
Five minutes later, Lewis came through the curtain, grinning ear to ear, carrying a mug of tea and fluttering a white hankie. “They said I’m expendable,” he said cheerfully.
“Ugh.” Claire accepted the tea. “You’re taking after your dad, aren’t you? Why can’t I have a teenager who stays in bed until noon?”
“We have to do the bridge jump before breakfast,” he reminded her. “Dan and Ross have to leave straight after. You can stay in bed if you want.”
Taking a gulp of tea, she set the mug on the bedside table and flung aside the covers. “Give me ten minutes.”
Claire wrestled into her full-body wet suit, wondering if Catwoman had this much trouble as she dragged the resistant rubber over her feet and hands.
The g
uys were already on the beach when she walked out onto the deck, Lewis and Nate hauling the kayak down to the estuary while Ross limped behind with the paddle. The sky was overcast and a breeze ruffled the gray water and chilled the early-morning air.
Nate looked as if he hadn’t slept and Claire tried not to be glad about that. His impending departure would be painful and she wanted him to feel it, too. He, Dan and Lewis were in wet suits—Nate must have borrowed one from Ross, who wore board shorts and a wet shirt. They were fine-looking male specimens, supremely fit, and Claire paused to admire the view, trying not to discriminate by lingering too long on Nate’s powerful build.
“Yeah, we’re hot,” Dan boasted, and they all struck a pose for her, like the old days. She looked at her son’s scrawny frame as he strained his biceps and laughed, alive to the joy of the moment, as well as its poignancy.
There would be other bumps in the road to adulthood, but she experienced a sudden conviction that she and Lewie were over the worst.
In her wet suit, she walked down the track, intensely conscious of Nate’s glance at her body, no longer cursory, no longer dismissive, before he said gruffly to Ross, “So, are you getting in the boat or what, princess? You’ll need a big head start if you’re paddling against the tide.”
“Sure, let’s make this a competition,” Ross retorted. “See who gets there first.”
“Running on these sharp shells with bare feet,” Claire protested.
“Lewis, your mother’s gone soft, mate.” Dan said. “We’re relying on you to toughen her up now you’re home.” Then yelped as Claire kicked a splash of water over him. “I was caught by surprise,” he protested when everyone laughed.
In the kayak, Ross used his paddle to push off, sticking close to shore where the tidal pull was less intense.
“C’mon.” Lewis beckoned the runners. “We can’t let him get away.”
Nate and Dan jogged the roadside verge, a longer distance but easier underfoot. Claire and Lewis stuck to the beach, but the shells definitely slowed their progress. Claire braved the icy water to run in the shallows—the shells weren’t as close to the surface in the estuary—and picked up speed, though she had to work harder as her feet sank deeper in the sand.