by Riley Hart
Their small house had been full of people all night—a welcome back and congratulatory party all in one. As awesome as it was, he really just wanted to spend time with Christian. They spoke on the phone or emailed almost every day but this was the first time he’d gotten to see his best friend in months.
Beck couldn’t stop himself from watching him at the party—he danced and laughed. Made other people laugh. His pulse went crazy every time he looked at Christian.
He’s beautiful, Beckett thought and then shook his head at the notion. It felt strange to think of Chris as beautiful, but really he was.
As always, Christian’s parents were the last to leave. He tensed up when he felt Christian’s hand rub his as he walked by and said, “Hey, Ma, can Beck come stay over like old times? We can sleep outside on the trampoline.”
She gave him the evil eye that even scared Beckett. “Not if you think it’s okay to say, Hey Ma, to me.”
He knew Chris well enough to know it was a struggle for him not to roll his eyes right now.
“Yes, ma’am. Can Beck come over tonight?”
“That’s better,” his mom smiled and two hours later they were at Chris’s house, in his enclosed back yard. It was at an angle where his parents couldn’t see it from their bedroom. The house was already dark and had been for a good hour, as they lay there, looking up at the stars.
“You’re really gonna do it, Beck. When we were kids, no matter how many races you won, it was like a dream. But you’re really gonna do it. Your dreams are gonna come true,” Christian said softly from beside him.
They were both on their backs, the netting on the trampoline providing them with what almost felt like a barrier to the outside world.
“Yeah…yeah I am. I can’t fucking believe it.”
“Are you scared?” Chris asked.
“Kind of…but really, I just want it. There’s nothin’ I’ve ever wanted more.” The statement made his gut clench, though he couldn’t say why.
The trampoline moved beneath him, and then Christian rolled over onto his side. He leaned on his elbow so he could look down at Beckett and damned if his stomach didn’t start doing backflips. Looking at Christian always made his insides go haywire. Christian said looking at him did it to him as well. “I wish you could come with me. Maybe we could find a way—”
“I got accepted to USC. I’ll be going to Southern California.”
Surprise punched him in the gut. He didn’t even know Chris had applied.
“Wow…that’s…wow.…” And then, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know,” he answered simply. “Maybe because I never thought I’d get in. I’ll be the first person in my family to go to a university. I can’t wait around here for you, Beck. And I can’t follow you around the country like a lost puppy dog or something. That’s lame. I have dreams too.”
Anger took the place of surprise, blazing a path of fire through him. “What the fuck, dude? I would never ask you to wait for me.” Still, he couldn’t believe Christian had applied for college in California and not told him. Plus, it’s not like he thought he and Chris would be together forever or something. They were just messing around. Beckett liked girls, too. He’d always planned to marry a woman one day.
But as sadness flooded him, as it took him over, made his breathing feel bumpy like he was riding on a track that was too rutty, he realized he wasn’t ready for that yet. He didn’t want to call off the secret make-out sessions he and Christian had. He wasn’t ready to stop messing around with him and just go back to being friends again.
“Southern California has one of the biggest motocross scenes in the United States. I’ll be out there all the time. My trainer has a facility in Riverside County. It’s like two hours from LA, but we can still see each other. We can still keep doing…this if you want to.”
And then he held his breath, waited and embarrassingly hoped like hell Chris would say yes.
“Secretly date Beckett Monroe, the next big name in motocross? Fuck yes!” Christian teased, making him laugh.
“It has to stay a secret though…I can’t risk my career before it even happens. My parents have dedicated their whole lives to my career and—”
“I know, Beck. I just…I wanna be with you…however we do it…”
And then Christian leaned forward and kissed him. It was just like riding—wild and exciting…freeing. Everything he loved felt like it was wrapped in this moment. He and Christian could keep doing this. They could hide together and enjoy each other a little while longer.
Beckett’s eyes jerked open from his dream, an incessant ringing in his ears. It took a second for him to make sense of where he was, for his eyes to adjust to the bright yellow light beaming in from the curtains he’d forgotten to close and for him to realize it was his cell going nuts on the bedside table.
He reached over and picked it up to see that it was just past eleven and Landon was calling.
He swiped his thumb across the screen and then almost fumbled the phone as he put it to his ear. “Hello?” His voice was rough, his throat dry.
“Oh, shit. I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m off today and tomorrow so I wanted to see about getting together. I’d like you to meet Rod.”
Beckett really wanted that too, but then he thought about the man in the bedroom down the hall. The one who’d jumped on a plane to come and see him after Beckett called him for the first time in ten years. “Christian’s here.”
There was a pause and then, “We’re talking about the Christian you told me about, right?”
“No, a Christian I picked up at church last night.”
Landon was the only person he’d ever talked to about Chris. He was the only person besides Christian who’d known that Beck was attracted to men other than guys he picked up and then never saw again.
“Wow…okay then. I’ll leave you to it today. My brother Justin invited us all over for a barbeque and swimming tomorrow. He and his partner Drew just got a new pool put in.”
Justin and Landon were half-brothers. They hadn’t known each other existed because Landon’s father had cut all contact when he left Landon’s mom. He’d had another family and when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer he’d come clean with Justin, before the two of them made the trek to Virginia to make peace with Landon and his sister. It had been hard on his friend. “Damn. I didn’t realize there were this many out, gay or bi men in Small Town, Virginia.”
Landon let out a stiff breath. “You can say that again. I guess we’re just lucky. We don’t let anyone steal our sparkle here.”
They both laughed again and then Beckett told him he’d talk to Christian about tomorrow before they got off the phone. He wanted to go. He’d missed spending time with Landon and that had been the point of coming here, but then, he hadn’t expected Chris to be here either.
Spending time with Christian last night had soothed a restlessness inside him that he hadn’t known needed soothing. It was as though no time had passed. Like they could step right back into each other’s lives and be friends the way they’d been so many years ago.
Or hell, maybe he just really fucking wanted that so badly that it clouded his vision. But he did want it. He wanted his friendship with Christian back.
He pushed out of bed and went straight for the bathroom. After taking a piss he washed his hands, brushed his teeth and then headed for the door. When he hit the hallway he realized the door was open to the room Christian was staying in.
“Up already, huh?” he peeked his head inside the room and saw Christian at the desk there, with his computer out and various equipment around him.
“Yeah, I don’t sleep very well sometimes. I figured I’d take advantage and get some work done.” He ran a hand through his dark-blond hair and looked Beckett’s way.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’ll go make some coffee.”
He turned to leave but Chris’s voice stopped him. “No, it’s fine. I’ve been at it a couple hour
s now. Coffee sounds almost as good as sex.” He pushed to his feet, stretched, and then followed Beckett out of the room.
Chris sat at the cherry-wood table while Beckett put the coffee grounds and water into the machine. “So what are the plans today?” Christian asked. “Are we going to play tourist? What’s there to do in Virginia?”
Beckett turned to face him, while leaning against the counter. Now that he thought about it…“I’m not sure. I didn’t get that far.”
Christian playfully rolled his eyes. “Well you sort of suck at vacations then, Beck.”
A laugh jumped out of Beckett’s mouth. Jesus, he’d missed this man. “In my defense, it wasn’t supposed to be a real vacation. I just wanted to get away.”
“Excuses, excuses.”
“How long are you here?”
“It depends. I wasn’t sure how it would go, honestly. I can’t stay any more than five days though.”
A cold ache settled into his chest. Five days. It wasn’t as though Beckett had much longer, but it felt like it was only a blink of time.
“Speaking of home, I should probably call Quinn.”
Beckett’s eyes shot up at that. The ache in his chest spidered out, infiltrated his veins. It was a ridiculous reaction. He had no right. Plus, he’d only spent the last twelve hours with Chris in the past ten years. It shouldn’t matter who Quinn was or wasn’t to him, but somehow it did.
As Christian pulled out his phone, Beckett grabbed two mugs from the cabinet and filled them. He heard Christian behind him saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t answer. Unless you’re pouting because I didn’t talk to you last night. Knowing you, I’m sure that’s it.”
Christian had that familiar playfulness in his voice as he spoke to Quinn’s voicemail. They were obviously close. Maybe dating. Another thing Beckett had denied himself. It wasn’t very easy to date someone when no one could know. Sure, he’d seen a few women over the past ten years, maybe a part of him had even hoped it would turn into more than just dating, but it never had. He’d never felt that connection he couldn’t deny. A connection he’d only ever felt with the man in the room with him right now.
Jesus, what’s wrong with me? He was turning into a sap. “How do you take it?” He asked as he set a cup down in front of Christian.
“Bitter like my soul.”
Beckett shook his head. “You’re so weird.”
“You like that about me.”
And Beckett did. He doctored his own coffee while Christian drank his black. He joined Chris at the table a moment later, as the man sat there scrolling through the phone.
He held it out so Beckett could see too. “Come on. Let’s find something for us to do today…oh look! There’s fishing.”
He couldn’t tell if Christian was serious or not. He had a feeling Chris wasn’t so sure himself. “I haven’t been fishing since I was a kid.”
“Me either,” Christian replied and then, “I’m not letting you anywhere near a fishhook!”
The old memory came roaring back to him, like a summer storm in Florida. “Oh fuck. I forgot about that.” They’d been planning a fishing trip when they were fourteen. Beckett had gotten new lures. He’d opened the packages, somehow dropped a treble hook in the floor, which Christian had stepped on with no shoes. Beckett had walked into the room to see the hook hanging off his toe, and they’d spent the morning at the emergency room getting it removed instead of fishing.
Hell, maybe he’d wanted to catch Christian even back then. “You know we have to go fishing, don’t you?”
“I’m a city boy now. I don’t fish.”
Beckett nudged him with his arm. “Come on, Chris. For old times’ sake. I swear I won’t hook you.”
Christian grinned, rolled his blue eyes and said, “Fine. You spoiled bastard. You always get your way.”
When he looked at Chris, all he could think was, not always. Though that was likely his own damn fault.
CHAPTER SIX
Christian was playing this all off like it was a lot easier than it really was. On the one hand, it was almost as though he and Beck fell flawlessly back into their friendship like nothing had happened. And maybe it should be that way because they’d been kids when Beckett had walked away from him. He’d been protecting himself, doing what he saw as protecting his family and Christian got that. Plus, who didn’t fuck up when they were young? Christian still fucked up almost daily as a twenty-eight-year-old man, but he also had to admit that Beckett had hurt him. Regardless of the why of it or how old they’d been, he still felt like Beck left him on his own back then. He’d covered for himself, and let Christian deal with the rest.
He wasn’t quite sure how he felt about those thoughts, so he tried to ignore them. He could handle that for a few days.
They’d both gotten ready quickly, before looking up a sports store and heading there for supplies. Afterward, they went grocery shopping and filled a Styrofoam cooler with food, drinks and ice before they made their way to the lake. He wasn’t sure why they didn’t go to the river behind the cabin but he just let Beck lead and he followed. The day was more than halfway over by the time they settled in at a quiet spot on the lake in cheap plastic chairs.
“It’s hot. Why did we decide to do this again?” Christian teased, though he knew the answer. He’d always had a hard time saying no to Beckett Monroe.
“Because we haven’t seen each other in ten years and the last time we tried to go fishing together, I left a fishhook on the floor that ended up in your toe. I’m making up for my mistake.”
There was a sort of melancholy tone to Beck’s voice. It made Christian wonder how hard the past ten years had been on him. No one would know it, not when they saw him tearing it up on the track. Not when they saw him hit the podium week after week as he racked up the wins. Even this last season. He knew third in points would feel like a disappointment to Beck, but it was still an amazing accomplishment. Christian wanted to know what was going on beyond the surface. If Beckett was somehow trying to make up for the past.
“How did your family take it?” He asked as he watched his bobber float in the water. There wasn’t a part of him that thought either of them would catch a fish today, but he also didn’t believe they were really out here for that.
Beck sighed. “They’re doing okay. It’s harder on Dad than Mom. She feels guilty…like she should have known. Especially after you. Every time I talk to her, I have to assure her it wasn’t her fault I didn’t say anything. That it was all me, all up here.” He tapped his temple.
“You thought you were protecting them, in a way, Beck. You did it because you worried their hard work would be for nothing if it caused problems in your career.” Regardless of why he’d done it, that hadn’t meant he’d had to sever ties with Christian though. No matter what happened between them, he never should have done that.
“That was my excuse at sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, but what about later? Make no mistake, part of it was my own weakness and fear. There’s no denying that.”
“It’s not always an easy thing to do—especially in the sports world.”
Beckett glanced his way and gave him a sad smile. “You always used to do this.”
“What?” he asked, really not knowing what Beckett meant.
“Make excuses for me. Cover for me. Do whatever you could to make me feel better. I’m a big boy now, Chris. I need to take responsibility for my own shit.”
It was almost as though the whole world stopped around them as they looked at each other. Beckett was right. It was still a reflex for Christian to want to take care of him.
He nodded and turned back toward the lake, surrounded by greenery he didn’t often see in Los Angeles. “And your dad?”
“I’d be lying if I didn’t admit he’s a little uncomfortable. I hear it in the stilted way he speaks to me over the phone. It’s going to take some getting used to, which is sad, but what can you do? Mostly he doesn’t understand, I guess. He thinks the way I did when I was a
kid…if I’m bi, I can just choose to settle down with a woman. I can choose to pretend I don’t want men. It’s hard to make him realize it doesn’t work that way. Sure, if I fell in love with a woman, that would be different—I’d be committed to her. But I can’t force myself to only seek out women—to pretend that side of me doesn’t exist.”
Christian didn’t envy him, that was for sure.
They were quiet for a moment, as they pretended to care if they caught fish or not, when Beckett said, “I’m sorry.”
There was no doubt in Christian’s mind exactly what Beckett was apologizing for. Maybe he shouldn’t, but after all these years of hurt, he’d needed to hear it. “It was a long time ago.”
“So? That doesn’t change the fact that I did it.”
He closed his eyes, remembered what it felt like that day. It was when Beckett had come back for a visit from Florida. They’d had a party at Beck’s house and then they’d gone to Christian’s to sleep outside. He’d told Beck about getting accepted to USC and they’d decided to keep seeing each other. All teenage Christian had known was that he loved Beck and he would take him any way he could get him. That wasn’t him anymore.
They’d gone riding the next day. He watched Beck fly as he went over jumps and corners perfectly. He had always been incredible in the dirt.
When they went back to Christian’s house, Beck’s parents had been there. They were sitting in the living room waiting to pounce. Christian’s parents had found a letter Christian had written about being in love with a boy. A letter that was about Beckett but one he’d never been able to read.
“Is it you? Christ, Beckett, are you sneaking around with Christian? Do you know what this could do to your career? We put so much work into it! So much fucking work.” Beck’s dad paced the room and Christian thought he would throw up.