by Amber Garza
“No.” His lips lightly brush my face as he draws back. “I haven’t for awhile.” Staring deep into my eyes, he licks his lips, and I find myself imagining them pressed to mine. “Talia, I thought I made it clear to you the other night that you’re the girl I want.”
Part of me wants to lunge at him, to kiss him, to tell him I want him too. But I know I can’t do that. One, because I’m not sure if he’s the guy I want. A few days ago I was sure I wanted Hayes. How can I be certain the way I’m feeling for Josh in this moment is real? That it’s not just a rebound? And how can I trust what he’s saying?
“No, I’m not,” I finally say, my shoulders drooping. The music changes to a fast song, but I suddenly don’t have the energy to keep the beat. I step away from Josh and head back to the table.
His hand reaches out, his fingers closing around my wrist. “Yes, you are. Why don’t you believe me?”
I chuckle bitterly. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because we’ve just spent the past couple of months pretending to be a couple in order to be with other people.” Lifting my head, I look into his eyes. “Josh, I know you. You like a challenge. And right now I’m a challenge. But the minute I’m not, you won’t want me anymore.”
“That’s not true. If a challenge is what I wanted, I’d still be going after Ashley.”
His logic might work on someone else, but I’ve gotten to know him too well. “Ah, but you’re too smart to keep going after a girl you know you can never have. Ashley’s made it clear that she’s off limits. I’m a challenge that you think you might actually win.”
His face grows serious. “This isn’t a game to me. I want to be with you. Not because I think you’re a challenge or because I can’t have Ashley. I want you simply because of you. Because I’ve fallen for you.”
It’s the words I’ve been dying to hear all year. The problem is that I always pictured them coming out of Hayes’s mouth. Since they’re coming out of Josh’s, it all seems wrong, and I don’t know how to reconcile it.
“Um…” Grabbing a strand of my hair, I twirl it around my finger.
“You’re nervous,” Josh says. “You always do that when you’re nervous.”
Releasing my hold on the strand, it falls, fanning over my chest. “You’ve noticed that.”
“I’ve noticed everything about you. The way you mouth the words to your favorite songs when you drive, the way you bite your lower lip when deep in thought, the way you scratch the back of your neck when you’re uncomfortable.”
My head spins. Hayes never even noticed all those things about me. How is it possible that the guy who does is Josh Easton? He’s the guy that tosses girls aside like trash on a weekly basis, and here he is acting like some hero in a romance novel. I have no idea what’s going on. Blowing out a ragged breath, I take a couple of steps back.
“I…um…I think I should go.” Nodding, it’s like I’m trying to coach myself on what to do next. “Yeah, I’m gonna go.”
Josh opens his mouth as if he’s going to protest, but then he clamps it shut and simply nods. Before he can stop me, I snatch my purse off the table and hurry toward the parking lot.
***
Body sagging, I walk into my house and toss my purse on the ground near the front door. Then I kick off my shoes. One of them whacks against the wall with a thud. The scent of marinara sauce lingers in the air, and I wonder if Mom made her famous lasagna tonight. Even though I ate at the wedding, I’m certain I can cram in a few more bites if that’s the case. The house is quiet. The only sound is the ticking of the clock on the wall, so I surmise that my family went somewhere. Maybe out for ice cream. We do that a lot.
I think about texting them, but I’m actually glad for some alone time after the day I’ve had. My emotions have been all over the place. Perhaps some quiet, maybe a little lasagna, will help me put things in perspective.
“Hey.”
Leaping back, a shriek escapes through my lips. Clutching my chest, my heart beats erratically under my palm. Breathing deeply, I stare at my sister who is sitting up peering at me from behind the couch cushions. “Anna, you scared the crap outta me.”
“Sorry, I was lying down reading when you came in.” She holds up her kindle as if to prove it to me.
“Where are Mom and Dad?” I ask, shuffling into the family room. When I reach the couch, I sink down into it, grateful for the softness of it. After sitting all day in folding chairs, this feels like heaven.
“They went out for drinks.”
“And you didn’t want to go with them?” I tease.
“I might have wanted to, but I’m not old enough.” She winks, her gaze lowering to my dress. “So, how was the wedding?”
“You know,” I say, offering a conspiratorial look. “It was a wedding.”
“I can’t believe Olivia and Dan are finally married. Don’t you think it’s romantic? I mean, they were in love, then they were with other people, but eventually they found their way back to one another.” With a swoony look on her face, she places her hand over her heart.
I roll my eyes. “You read way too many romance novels.”
She pins me with a challenging stare. “You can’t tell me you don’t think it’s romantic.”
“Actually, I can tell you that,” I say. “In theory, it sounds romantic. But that’s because you’re not taking into account all of the other people in their lives. By being together, they’ve hurt a lot of other people.”
“Like Josh?”
I nod. “Yeah, like Josh.”
Gone is the fantasy look she wore a few minutes earlier. Her face sobers up, and she leans forward, resting her head in her hands. “Was today really hard on him?”
“Yeah,” I say softly. “I think it was.”
“It’s a good thing you were there for him then.”
I toss her words around in my head, wondering if that’s true. At first I thought it was. I felt like my presence had given him strength. And I was glad I went, if for no other reason than that he would’ve been alone if I hadn’t. When I made that quip to him about inviting a different girl from his little black book, I was only half-joking. I actually assumed he would invite someone else. But to my surprise he didn’t.
However, at the end of the night I wasn’t sure if I helped or hindered things. Rejecting him and running off probably wasn’t the smartest move.
“You know,” Anna continues, “when you first brought Josh around I kind of thought your relationship was fake. I had kinda overheard a couple of conversations that made me think you two were just playing some kind of game.” Her cheeks color as if she believes what she’s saying is stupid. “I mean, you seemed to still be hung up on Hayes, and sometimes I caught Josh staring at Ashley at school. So I kinda thought maybe…you guys were together just to try to make them jealous.” She giggles into her hand. “Now you can tell me I read too many romance novels, right?” Lifting her head, she drops her hand to her side. “But now I know how silly my theory was. It’s clear when you and Josh are together that you really care about each other.”
“No, you were right, actually,” I blurt out, grateful to finally be honest. “As silly as your theory seems, it’s actually correct.”
Her eyes widen. “But that can’t be. I’ve seen you together. I’ve watched Josh over here. Trust me, he’s not into anyone else. And neither are you.”
“I hate to burst your bubble, Anna, but it’s true.”
“He must be the best actor in the world, and you have totally missed your calling,” she says sarcastically. “Hollywood, here she comes.”
I want to laugh, but she kind of seems angry. It makes me regret telling her. Why did I, anyway? She’s probably going to spill to Mom and Dad. My chest tightens, realizing I can’t let that happen. What would they think of me? “Please don’t say anything to anyone, okay? Especially not Mom and Dad.”
“I won’t,” Anna says earnestly, and I’m a little surprised at how easily she agrees. “Because I don’t buy it.”
/> “Anna,” I start, but she cuts me off.
“I believe you that it began that way,” she clarifies. “But I don’t think that’s the case anymore.”
“You’re right, because the game is over. We lost. Hayes and Ashley are still together. They don’t want us.”
“How do you know that for sure?” Anna sits straighter, looking at me intently.
I sigh, pondering how much I should share. Then I decide to just spill everything. What do I have to lose at this point? Playing with my hands in my lap, I stare at the ground, unable to meet Anna’s eyes. “I talked to Hayes a few days ago. I told him everything, and he told me he loves Ashley.”
“Does Josh know you did this?”
I nod, still staring at the ground. My feet ache from wearing heels all day.
“Then why did you still go to the wedding?”
“Because I promised him I would.”
“What happens now?”
I glance up, my hands stilling. “I don’t know. I guess we stop the game and we move on. I suppose we’ll just tell people we broke up.”
“Is that what Josh wants to do?”
I bite my lower lip, and shrug. “I don’t know. Josh is being weird right now.”
“Weird how?” Anna furrows her brows.
I shift on the cushion to get comfortable. “He’s just kinda acting like he wants to be with me for real.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“The problem is that Josh doesn’t do commitment. He may think he wants a relationship with me, but that’s only because he thinks of me as a challenge right now. If I say yes to him, I’ll be old news in a week.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“It absolutely is true. You don’t know him like I do.”
“I know that he likes you, Talia. It’s obvious, and no matter what you say, I know you like him too.”
“No, I don’t.”
Anna throws me an incredulous look that causes my insides to flip. Do I like him? I don’t even know anymore. A week ago I would’ve said absolutely not. I would’ve said that he’s a jerk and a player. But now I’m not so sure. The Josh I’ve gotten to know lately is sweet and kind, genuine. It’s so confusing it makes my head spin.
One thing I do know for sure, I’m not making any decisions tonight.
JOSH
“How’d it go?” Mom asks the minute I get home from the wedding. She’s sitting on the couch, a magazine spread out over her lap.
Shrugging, I make my way into the family room and plunk down on the loveseat. Then I take off my shoes, grateful to finally be out of them. I never wear dress shoes, and now I know why. “It went about like I thought it would.”
“That bad, huh?” Mom cringes.
“Worse, actually.”
“It’s over now,” Mom says soothingly. She picks up the magazine, folds it closed and sets it on the end table. “And I’m proud of you for going. I’m sure your dad was happy you were there.”
“Yeah, I think he was.” After shrugging out of my jacket, I sling it over the back of the chair and then loosen up my collar. “I’m so glad I can get out of this tux. I’d burn the sucker if I could.” Mom tosses me a stern look. “But don’t worry, I won’t. I know I have to return it.”
“I went to a wedding once where all the groomsmen jumped into the pool in their tuxes at the reception.” She shakes her head, but a smile plays on her lips. “Idiots. I’m sure they all paid dearly for that drunken decision.”
“Oh, really?” I raise one brow. “Whose wedding was it?”
She hesitates a minute. “Mine.”
“What?” Mom never talks about her wedding, so this is the first time I’ve heard this story. Even when she and Dad were married, she never disclosed information about it. She used to have a large portrait from their wedding that hung in the hallway, but that was taken down a long time ago. I know there’s a wedding album somewhere in storage. I remember seeing it once as a child, but I never looked through it.
“Yeah.” She chuckles, running a hand through her hair. “Your dad’s friends were never the brightest. That’s why it’s probably best that he only had you and Chris as his groomsmen this time around.”
Scooting forward, I lean my elbows on my knees. “Do you regret it?”
“Marrying your dad?”
“Falling in love.”
“Of course not. Falling in love is part of life. A beautiful part of life.”
“But he left,” I say softly, not wanting it to come out harsh. The last thing I want to do is hurt Mom. It’s why I’ve never talked to her about this before. But now I need to know.
“That doesn’t mean I wish the whole relationship away,” Mom states simply. “A lot of good things came out of it. You, for example.”
I grin. “That goes without saying.”
She giggles. “See?”
“But if you’d never had me, would you still feel this way?”
“Yeah.” She nods. “Your father and I were really happy for a lot of years. And I wouldn’t trade that in for anything.”
Chewing on the inside of my mouth, I mull over her words. Seeing my mom get her heart broken left me with a sour taste in my mouth about love. If it ended up hurting like that, what was the point? That’s why I always chose girls that were easily expendable. Girls that I could have fun with. Girls that made me look good. Girls that I could let go of at any time with no issue.
It’s the reason Ashley was so perfect. She kept everyone at arm’s length, so I knew she’d never fall for me. When I realized that maybe she had, it kind of threw me. Usually when I broke it off with a girl she was ready to be done with me. Or, like Emmy, they dumped me when they found a guy who would commit to them.
This whole year I thought I wanted Ashley back because I was ready to try out this relationship thing. But when I started caring about Talia, the truth hit me. My prerogative in getting Ashley back had more to do with my pride and my need to protect myself than it did any real feelings for Ashley.
“I think I may have really messed things up with Talia,” I blurt out, staring at my hands.
“Oh? Did she end up showing up today afterall?”
I nod.
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?” Mom asks, her tone full of hope, reminding me of how much the two of them have bonded.
Maybe it’s a mistake to tell Mom what happened. “Yeah, it’s good,” I say, intending to leave it at that.
“Josh, you can talk to me,” Mom presses. “I am a girl. I might be able to offer some insight.”
I know she’s right. And if I don’t learn to open up more, I’ll never get Talia back. She’ll never trust that my feelings are real. Besides, my mom deserves the truth. I spend so much time being angry with my dad for lying to her, but then I do the same thing.
“Talia and I were never really a couple,” I start.
“What do you mean?” Mom’s eyebrows knit together in confusion, and I already regret sharing this with her.
However, it’s too late to back down now. “We sorta concocted a plan to get what we wanted. Talia wanted Hayes, and I wanted to get back with Ashley.”
“Ashley?” Mom winces. “Why?”
I laugh. “She’s not as bad as you think she is.”
“Maybe not, but she’s not the right girl for you.”
“I know that now,” I say. “But at the time I thought she was. And Talia wanted back with Hayes, so we thought if we pretended to be together that they’d get jealous and realize what they’re missing.”
Mom shakes her head, her eyes rolling. “Kids. I swear you guys think life is a television sitcom. I’m guessing it didn’t go as planned.”
“Not even a little bit,” I answer. “But the worst part is that I realized I want to be with Talia, only I think she still wants Hayes.”
“No, she doesn’t,” Mom responds firmly. “Trust me. I’ve spent enough time with her to know that.”
“Well, even if she doesn’
t want Hayes, she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want me either.”
Mom plants her feet on the floor and looks me square in the face. “What exactly did she say?”
I think back over our conversation. “She said something about me only liking her because she’s a challenge.”
“There you go.” Mom holds out her hands as if I’ve just offered up my own answer.
“There I go?”
“Yeah. She told you what to do.” Mom laughs. “Seriously, even when we tell you what to do you guys are confused.” She’s certainly right about me being confused. “Talia didn’t outright say she doesn’t like you or want to be with you. She said she’s worried you only want her because she’s a challenge, right?”
I recall my last couple of conversations with Talia. “Pretty much, yeah.”
“Then you just have to show her that you genuinely like her. You have to prove her theory wrong.”
“How do I do that?”
Mom shrugs, and the hope I had started to feel dwindles. “You have to figure that part out on your own.”
Great. So, I’m back to square one.
***
Maybe I won’t have to use Mom’s advice.
It’s Monday morning and I see Talia walking directly toward me while I get my books out of my locker. She even has my jacket slung over her arm. Slamming my locker shut, I whirl around, lean my back against it and throw her an easy smile. Inside I’m thanking my lucky stars. Looks like Talia’s coming back to me all on her own, which is perfect because I hadn’t come up with any ideas on how to prove my feelings to her. Romance isn’t really my thing. It’s like trying to speak a foreign language. No matter how much I may want to, it’s not that simple.
“Hey.” I greet her when she approaches, but I keep my hands to my sides. What I want is to grab her and draw her close, but so far she hasn’t given me the green light. I’m sure she will though.