by Roger McEwan
ROG
(Shaking his head)
Bad father.
DAD smiling, puts a bookmark in the book and adds it to a pile next to the bed. DAD surveys ROG’S bed, shaking his head.
ROG
What?
DAD
(Still shaking his head)
It’s a dog’s dinner.
ROG
No it isn’t, it’s very comfy.
DAD
Hmmm. Good night.
ROG
Good night.
DAD turns out the light and exits.
INT. MCEWAN HOME, HALLWAY – NIGHT
Dad turns on the CD PLAYER and classical music (Mendelssohn) starts softly playing. DAD exits.
SCENE FADES – END
Normal: that’s the word that encapsulates that scene. It’s hard to remember exactly how it worked before I became a single dad. I’m sure it was roughly the same except blended with Rose’s voice as well and, as Rog and Liv were much smaller, there was probably a little less attitude floating around. Having two parents on duty was a luxury I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. They were the good old days alright. The children were in bed, and asleep, by 7.30pm. Heaven.
The nicest compliment I receive from time to time is not related to my work, study or writing – it is when someone calls me a great dad. I’ve worked hard to hear those words and I’m certain that I’m a much better dad, parent, father and person than the one who abruptly found himself lacking a stable sexual relationship back at the beginning.
2. What Is a Single Dad?
Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.
Charles Kettering (inventor, engineer, businessman, 1876-1958)
I’d like to think I’m a typical single dad but, to be honest, I don’t know if that’s right. From what I have seen, read and heard, we don’t know much about single dads. The majority of books are closer to manuals on the subject such as The Single Father: A dad’s guide to parenting without a partner. These books tell us nothing about single dads but instead focus on what they consider to be the right way to be a single dad.
As I’ve said, I have grave doubts that you can learn to be a great dad that way in exactly the same way reading Fifty Shades of Grey won’t make you a more proficient, dynamic and exciting lover. It will definitely give you some ideas to try, unless you are already very close to the edge, but you do have to give them a go. To become a better parent you have to spend time being a parent.
Josh Wolf was closer to looking at the life of a single dad with his entertaining autobiographical book It Takes Balls – Dating single moms and other confessions from an unprepared single dad. But while initially it seems to reflect on the life of a single dad, ultimately, it seems to me, the focus is on dating and all that entails. It was hard to find much parenting between Josh’s wild escapades.
There are also books in the romantic genre where the lady next door covets the tall, dark and handsome single dad and is waiting for the chance for him to come over to check out her muffins. Judging by that last sentence I think I could write something like that but it would require imagination and not reflection as life isn’t like that. At least my life isn’t.
Coming back to reality, if I had to summarise what the world thinks about single dads, it seems closer to the stereotypical portrayal of someone waltzing in and out of their children’s lives, fitting them in around work while trying to attract attention at the local bar, usually unsuccessfully. If that feels about right, then I’m here to demonstrate that it’s wrong! If that’s typical, then thankfully I’m not typical. There are bound to be dads like that, just as there are stereotypical sleazy, boozy businessmen, and I’m not one of those either. But the problem with stereotypes is that they are powerful and require little evidence to keep them entrenched.
When I was researching the world’s view of single dads I stumbled across a blog written by a divorced single mom (she was American). She had posted six points about single dads, which she described as though they’re common knowledge, almost self-evident:
Single dads are often inexperienced at multi-tasking.
Single dads don’t get to live with their kids.
Single dads often feel left out of things.
Single dads can become insecure about parenting.
Single dads are working and trying to parent at the same time.
Single dads can’t be mom.
I felt obliged to comment and posted the following response, which I’ve edited slightly so it makes sense.
Human beings can’t multi-task, we can only task-switch. It is thought that females are better at this but I remain sceptical. What’s more, you get better at everything with practice.
Many single dads like myself share care fifty-fifty and live with their children just as much as single mums.
You don’t have to be left out of things regarding your children if you choose not to. Rose and I communicate well and make sure we both know what is happening and when, because we know it’s our children who suffer the consequences of mix-ups.
Parents in general can be insecure about parenting, even when there are two of them. It is nice to have another adult to be insecure with but that doesn’t make it gender-specific.
Many single mums also work and parent as I did before we separated. So, no change there.
And being mom? Maybe. Probably. Okay, yes. My feminine side is still pretty masculine! But single mums can’t be dad either, no matter how many power tools they buy.
Reading between the lines, it appears that the thinking I was responding to is stuck in the 1950s when mums did the vast majority of the parenting. But the world has changed and thankfully it’s even evolved a little. The majority of the dads I know are involved with all aspects of their children’s lives and so they’re able to cope if they find themselves solo either temporarily or permanently. I was hands-on with my children from the very start, and so looking after my children without help wasn’t a culture shock. I’m even okay at looking after myself – I don’t require mothering.
So what I want to achieve with this book is to bring reality to the discussion, at least a little bit of my reality. I want you to see through my eyes and glimpse inside my head, that of a responsible single dad. You will see how the children and I adapted to this new environment and transitioned quickly from surviving to thriving. I hope you get a different perspective – a real perspective – and start to rethink what the term single dad suggests.
That’s what I want to achieve, but what I’d love to achieve is to make all parents who are struggling with children, their exes or current partners to stop and reflect – hopefully in that order. This book may be written from the perspective of a single dad but I think many of the insights can be applied equally to any situation where two people are sharing the care of children, together or separated.
The easiest action you can take right now to improve the world of you and your children is not to start doing anything new – it’s more likely you should stop doing some of the old. I’m referring to those behaviours that you have been polishing for years that create frustration, conflict, stress, anxiety and doubt.
I have met many parents in my travels and some of their stories are as baffling as they are tragic. In particular, two men stand out in my mind whose behaviour is self-centred and destructive yet they’re oblivious to the bleak future they’re creating. They put themselves first and either happily or ignorantly use their children as a tool to manipulate and bully their exes to get their own way. It seems they believe they have an entitlement to the lives of their partners, who should do everything they dictate. If they continue to behave in this way, it’s likely that when their children are old enough they’ll want little to do with them. Sadly, they’ll be alone and left wondering why.
&nb
sp; So please, stop and reflect and ask that simplest of all questions – what am I trying to achieve? Edwards Deming insightfully wrote that it is not necessary to change, survival is not mandatory. Nor is having fun or giving your children the best start in life – but it’s by far the most preferable.
Now you know what I’m trying to achieve. What I’m trying to avoid is harming anyone during the telling of my story. Unfortunately I can’t say that no one was harmed during the making of it. Separation and divorce inflict both direct damage and collateral damage, but this story is more about fun, healing and making the world a slightly better place. It’s my story and I want all those involved, including my children and Rose, to be able to enjoy reading it and not cringe, feel incensed or think WTF. That has been challenging at times!
ABOUT ME
Before I get fully into stride, I must tell you more about my personal circumstances. Otherwise parts of the story won’t make sense. In particular I need to explain why I stayed a single dad without bothering to date for a number of years. The salient points are somewhat convoluted, but I will try to communicate them succinctly and clearly.
Not long after my separation I started a relationship with Cathy (not her real name) who, I hasten to add, had nothing to do with the separation. The complicating factor was that she lived in England. But this isn’t one of those cautionary tales about internet relationships in which people travel across continents in search of love only to get ripped off or end up in prison after the stash of drugs in the ‘I Love You’ chocolate is discovered.
Cathy and I had spent time together in our twenties, long before Rose and I were Rose and I. I knew Cathy very well. We got back in touch during the separation and it was like winding the clock back, things just seemed to fall into place despite the distance. So although we were separated by 11,000 miles with children on both sides of the planet, we became a sort-of-couple and started considering how that might work in the future. More of the details will emerge from time to time as required, but in a nutshell that’s why I didn’t dive back into the singles scene with obscene haste.
Another aspect you need to understand is the care arrangement Rose and I created for our children. From day one, Rose and I agreed to share the care of the children fifty-fifty. This was a no-brainer for both of us as we had both been hands-on parents and neither wanted to take a back seat in our children’s lives. We also knew that they still needed as much of Mum and Dad as they could get, maybe even more now as they were still rather young – Rog was eight and Liv was six.
A quick point of clarification is also needed here. I’m a single dad but the fifty-fifty care arrangement means my children are still being raised by both parents. It is now like a tag team arrangement. This means that it’s more balanced than many – maybe the majority – of so-called nuclear families.
The one aspect of my story I don’t intend to cover in any detail is Rose and my separation. I see no purpose in dragging you, me or anyone else back through that unhappy time. Like most separations the story is sad and hard. I did write a couple of chapters about it and, although it was cathartic to write, the words are best left for another time as they only get in the way. Take my word for it, it wasn’t fun for anyone.
So welcome as the story begins in earnest.
It’s June 2008 and it’s the middle of winter in Palmerston North. Chris Brown’s ‘Forever’ is ironically at number one and I have just become a single dad. Although the story starts in 2008, I didn’t start putting pen to paper until late 2012 – the spur for this will become apparent as the story unfolds. But I kept a blog in which I captured my thinking as life unfolded. It made interesting reading in retrospect, and I’d managed to capture a lot of the stories and reflections that I’ve used in this book.
3. Homeless
All changes are more or less tinged with melancholy, for what we are leaving behind is part of ourselves.
Amelia Barr (British novelist, 1831-1919)
Anyone who’s separated will know about the chaos it brings. Almost overnight you go from settled and ordered – although probably not all that content – to confused and chaotic. After sixteen years together, Rose and my lives seemed intractably linked. Trying to split things down the middle proved to be a nightmare.
We started by working our way through the financial aspects and negotiating who would have what. We agreed early on that she would keep the house and buy me out. On reflection it wasn’t quite a negotiated decision but more a matter of that’s the way the chips fell. I’d moved out, and Rose was living in the house and wanted to stay. So it seemed the right thing to do.
For the first time in my entire life I didn’t have a home address. That was the first thing I needed to rectify, and fast. I was forty-three, but having just left home I felt closer to twenty. I’d taken some of my clothes, but in those first few days that was all I had to my name. It was a surreal feeling.
Initially I stayed at my mum’s house, which made me feel closer to sixteen. That felt preferable to the houses of friends whom I hoped wouldn’t have yet heard about the separation. But after living back at home for only six days I was starting to go a little crazy. It wasn’t my mum’s fault, it was situational. I wanted a quiet space to think things through but she and my older brother, who was also living there at that stage, seemed starved of conversational variety.
Rental property is thankfully abundant in Palmerston North as it’s a university city. I found a house near to the children’s school on John F. Kennedy Drive and moved in as quickly as possible. It was a modern townhouse with a tiny yard and garden, and this suited me. Although I love gardening, I had no desire to invest time maintaining someone else’s garden. To compensate for the lack of outdoor space, the house was opposite an impressively large park which was complete with a small playground about twenty metres from our front door. This was perfect for letting the children, and me, burn off energy. We often played ball tag with Muffin, a yellow smiley-face ball Liv had picked up on her travels.
It was only going to be a short-term home and, as such, it worked well. I was planning on buying a house as soon as financially practical. In this respect I was fortunate that the Palmerston North property market wasn’t experiencing one of the bubbles that have made buying a house unaffordable in many cities. If you find yourself unable to re-enter the property market after separation, which must be common, I suggest you aim to rent in the best location you can.
The children were also changing schools, a decision Rose and I had made previously that was now somewhat up in the air. We made the decision based on the situation at the time, but in hindsight it would probably have been wiser to have left them at their current school, given the separation. The original reasons for switching schools hadn’t gone away and I think we just carried on while we sorted things out. With the change of school, any house I bought would ideally be close to their new school.
Like many countries, New Zealand employs a school zoning system. To get your children into the school you want, you have to live in, or at least own (which I think is cheating), a house in the school’s catchment zone. This makes house buying often a strategic decision for parents. The school system in New Zealand is, on the whole, reasonably good, but anyone who thinks there is no difference between a decile ten school (in a more affluent area) and a decile one school (in a less affluent area) is wrong.
As Rose was keeping the house, she was also keen on keeping everything in it as well. This made sense, but it left me with few possessions. I ended up taking a TV (our older one and not the flash, cinematic, all-the-bells-and-whistles one I’d recently, and lovingly, installed), my dust-gathering gym equipment, clothes, books and a few pieces of unrequired furniture.
On the plus side, it was the quickest and easiest house move I’d ever been involved with. But after I had unpacked everything, my lack of worldly goods was starkly highlighted. No matter which way I looked, all I could see wa
s carpet – and there was nowhere to sit or sleep.
Although our former joint possessions were part of the financial agreement – and here’s a lesson I hope you never have to learn – there is a quantum difference between current and replacement value. The process Rose and I followed was to wander through the house and agree on a current value for all our possessions. Most of these had been built up over the previous sixteen years and while some were on the old side, they were all in good working condition. The result of this was that we gave most items a fairly conservative value. For example, the $2000 Sony stereo which was eight years old but was still able to crank out the music was given a value in the vicinity of $300.
The current value of all our possessions we estimated at around $15,000, which we then split fifty-fifty. The fact that we had our contents insured for closer to $60,000 should have a sounded a warning bell for me, but I missed this in the general confusion of the time.
The lesson I learnt, blindingly obvious in hindsight, was that you can’t replace half your possessions with half their current value. In fact half their current value allows you to replace only a fraction of what you had. Valuing everything using a replacement value would have been as wrong, although in my favour, and so I recommend a middle-ground approach. As hard as it may be, split your actual possessions equally so each person ends up with half the old and has to replace the other half with new. In that way there is no need to value anything. The situation I found myself in wasn’t anyone’s fault and it made sense at the time. Throw in the unavoidable feelings of guilt for my part in the whole episode and I was happy to bend as far as possible in the misguided belief that this would somehow make things right – or at least righter. Of course it didn’t.
I was left with $7500 to turn my rented house into a home in which the children and I could feel relaxed and comfortable. I needed beds (x3), bedroom furniture (x3), furniture for the lounge and dining room, appliances, pictures, glasses, cutlery, linen, art, whiteware, tools, knick-knacks, food, etc.