HOSPITALS were such cold places. Venus had thrown on her boots without putting her panty hose back on and now she was freezing, shivering, while she stood in front of the elevator waiting for it to come and transport her to her mother’s floor. She felt Jake’s smooth hands run along the sides of her arms, up and down. When the elevator door opened, he escorted her inside, holding her close.
“This way.” He led, for which she was grateful. She couldn’t have read the numbers of the hospital signs if she’d tried, her eyes completely clogged, stale with tears.
“Daddy!” Venus ran to her father who was standing outside the hospital room. She threw her arms around him and realized how slight his shoulders felt. She’d only seen him a few days ago, at least it felt that way, and in that time he’d lost weight. How long had this been going on and she not known a thing? “What did the doctor say? Tell me everything, right now. Tell me.”
“Well, they’re going to have to take the whole breast. Maybe the other one, too; they’re not sure yet. Not sure if it’s moved to anyplace else in her body. They don’t know. But they’re moving fast, Precious. They’re going to take care of her. I trust Dr. Prah on this. She’s your mother’s doctor. She’s been up front and honest about everything the whole time.”
“What do you mean the whole time, how long has this been going on?”
“It’s been a few months. Your mother never suspected a thing. She was going in for her blood, you know the diabetes check that she gets once a year. The doctor asked her when’s the last time she had a mammogram, Pauletta said, never. You know your mother, look only when you intend to find. Sure enough, they found something. They showed me, too, on the X-ray screen. Looked like a dot, no bigger than a pinhead. So tiny. How could something so tiny be so dangerous? They wanted to see if it was going to shrink, thinking maybe it was the estrogen that she’d been on; so they changed the dosage, but it didn’t go away, just got bigger …” He broke down in tears.
“Oh God, Daddy.” Venus held him while his shoulders rose and fell in her arms. Her father had always been supportive, agreeing to whatever his mother presumed right. He’d probably just gone along when he should’ve demanded answers. A few months, a precious few months.
The doctor came out of her mother’s room and tried to introduce herself. Venus didn’t want to waste time hearing what the woman had to say. She moved straight past her to Pauletta’s side.
“Don’t come in here with those big boo-boo tears. I don’t need that right now.” Her mother’s eyes followed as Venus moved slowly toward the bed.
“Mom, what is going on? I can’t believe you didn’t want to tell me. I could’ve helped, somehow.”
“Are you a doctor? I know you studied those medical books right alongside of Clint, but I don’t believe I remember you getting a degree in medicine.”
Venus wiped her eyes. She’d have to straighten up. Her mother didn’t respond well to emotion considering it a waste of time. “Okay, so what’s the plan?” Venus said, pulling up a chair next to the bed. She swallowed the next wave of tears.
“The plan, Dr. Prah is going to remove these saggy pitiful things that have given me nothing but trouble since the day they finished nursing your brother. They’ll probably take the lymph nodes, too. Then run me through a grueling bout of poisonous drugs to make sure they got everything. Simple enough, Venus. I don’t want to drag this thing out any more than it’s already been. I asked them to cut both breasts off when I first found out about the cyst, but they thought it was drastic. Now look at me. This is drastic, talking about the survival rate, like I may as well check my bags at the door. Did you bring any gum? My mouth is so dry. Who is that fella out there talking with your father? No, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. The less I know, the better.”
Venus held her mother’s hand and squeezed it tight, placing the cool inside of her palm to her cheek. “I love you, Mom.”
“Oh, Venus. I told you. Please. Please, don’t cry. I don’t need that right now.”
Venus stood up and leaned across her mother for a hug, careful of the thick white bandage on her chest, letting her mother’s tears soak the top of her head.
THE doctor had already left, but Venus was ready to burst. She had questions. This all seemed so sudden. Right breast, both breasts, lymph nodes. Wait a minute, she kept telling herself, while Jake escorted her down the hall. She looked back at the empty corridor where her father was no longer standing. He’d resumed his place by her mother’s side, promising that everything would be all right. “Go home, Precious. I’ll be right here, don’t worry. The surgery’s not till tomorrow morning. Come back in the morning.” Henry patted her off, then gave Jake a look as if they’d come to some sort of gentlemen’s agreement.
Jake drove slowly; there was no need to rush now. There were no words exchanged. He let Venus find her own thoughts. It was evident she didn’t want to talk about her feelings.
They pulled up behind her car, abandoned on the empty street. Business hours were long over downtown where usually people were strolling on foot and coming and going in cars. The streets now were quiet and idle. The bright moon seemed suspended behind the Bank of America building. She closed her eyes for a minute before opening her door.
“Thank you, Jake.”
He jumped out of his side of the car and came around. He helped her out, then escorted her to the lone automobile on the street. He waited while she got in. “I’ll call and check on you, if that’s okay.”
Venus started the car and was startled when the loud hard beat came out blaring. She quickly turned it down and apologized to him with her eyes. She’d just sworn her allegiance to old-school R & B.
He smiled down on her. “Love me some DMX. Drive safe.” He tapped the hood of the car and stayed behind as Venus pulled off, slowly. She watched him from the rearview mirror. Jake Parson. She planted his name somewhere deep, hoping that it wouldn’t escape.
GLUE
TIMOTHY took the first flight he could get out of Boston. His lanky tall frame could be seen over a string of heads coming off the plane before him. He and Venus were exact opposites in the body form department. She was short and curvy, he was tall and skinny. His soft eyes lit up when he saw her, and smiled.
He dropped his carry-on bag and picked her up. “Hey, Shorty.”
Venus had already decided that she wasn’t going to cry, but in her brother’s arms she felt she had a right to. He had been the one she ran to when anyone messed with her in school, even though she was the oldest. He was the one who stood up for her even when the bullies themselves were bigger than both of them. He kissed her forehead and put her back on the ground.
Timothy threw his slender arm around her shoulder, and they started walking, “You know she’s going to be fine; I’ve yet to find a wife and Mom will refuse to die before that happens.”
An involuntary laugh came out of Venus. She felt immediate guilt for the betrayal of her spirit in this time of sadness. But he was right. His mother would not rest until both of them were securely tied into knots with their future spouses. She held on tight to his waist while they walked through the airport.
VENUS drove straight to Kaiser Hospital. The two buildings on opposite corners sat smack dab in the middle of worn-out Hollywood. Venus tried not to find fault in the facility based solely on looks and location. She knew that the quality of care was based on the doctor, not the building. As soon as she showed Timothy to their mother’s room, she was determined to find Dr. Prah and get some answers.
Venus and Timothy walked down the corridor, looking straight ahead. Neither one of them had ever been hospitalized for anything. Not a broken bone or a removed tonsil. It had to be the worst possible place ever created by man. A conglomeration of misery and misfortune all housed under one roof. Malady, disease, and depression.
“Guess who’s here, Mom.” Venus pulled Timothy’s hand and put it in Pauletta’s. She was out of it, already prepped for the surgery that was scheduled in les
s than an hour. Her hand was limp, the pulse slight.
“Hi, pretty lady.”
“What are you doing here?” Her words came out groggy and slow. “Don’t you have that dessert thing to do?”
“It’s a dissertation, Mom. And I finished, so I have plenty of time to stay here with you.”
She opened her eyes wider. “Oh Lord, not you, too,” she mumbled, looking up at Timothy’s freshly twisted locks.
“Mom, my hair was like this the last time you saw me, it just grew some more.”
Pauletta’s grunt came out as a snore. She was back to sleep, her mouth partially open.
“How’s she doing?” Dr. Prah came to the foot of the bed and whispered to neither one of them directly. Venus looked to her, then to Timothy.
“This is Mom’s doctor.”
Dr. Prah was a brown-skinned Middle Eastern woman with thick glasses and short hair. She put out her delicate hand. “Nice to meet you.” Timothy had been filled in on the way over about Dr. Prah’s shortcomings. He shook her hand, almost feeling sorry for her and the grilling she was about to receive from Venus.
“She’s groggy, but is that enough? Are they going to give her more anesthesia before the surgery?” Venus stroked Pauletta’s forehead.
“Yes, of course. She was just given something earlier to relax her. She had a bit of anxiety.”
Their father walked into the room holding a vase of flowers in each hand. He set them down on a corner table near the window before he realized the room was filled by people.
“Tim-boy.” He reached out and grabbed Timothy’s shoulders. They hugged a long time. Since Henry had lost weight, she could see the resemblance in their faces. Her father and brother both had sharp chins, slanted eyes, and fine sculpted noses, like African royalty. When she was growing up, Venus never had liked the width of her nose, always wishing she looked more like Timothy, like Henry. She looked down at her sleeping mother; she’d never wish that way again, she wouldn’t trade in one thing that reminded her of Pauletta Johnston. The deep coral brown of her skin, the fullness of her lips, the high cheekbones, and the width of her nose. She was perfect in her skin.
Two nurses came in ready to take her mother to surgery. The short, thick female nurse stood with her hands on her hips, waiting for the room to be cleared so she could get around to the side of the bed. Dr. Prah shook their father’s hand and told him everything would be fine. She smiled in Venus’s direction, then Timothy’s. They watched the bed become mobile as it was being rolled toward the wide door.
“Wait a minute, Dr. Prah.” Venus grabbed the raised metal bar on the bed, “I want to know why you waited three months before you did a biopsy.”
“Venus, not now.” Her father’s tone didn’t derail her, nor did the use of her actual name.
Dr. Prah faced Venus, her mouth a straight line. “We were monitoring the size and growth of the cyst very closely. The only thing I can tell you is that we make decisions on a case-by-case basis. What one does for one patient doesn’t necessarily work for another. Your mother’s breast tissue is very dense, and the odds of us getting a good sample from that cyst were slim. As it was, for this test, we had to go through nearly four layers of tissue to get to the cyst. We didn’t want to put your mother through all of that if there was a possibility that the cyst would dissolve on its own.”
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? And what’s this we crap? Venus hated when doctors used the term we,as if no decision was theirs and theirs alone. Never wanting to take responsibility for their actions.
“So in other words, you made the decision to risk my mother’s life on a guess that it was purely an estrogen-charged cyst because you didn’t want to put anyone through any trouble. Well, now we’ve got trouble, wouldn’t you say?”
“And we’re dealing with it, Ms. Johnston. I understand you’re upset, but if you’ll excuse me, we’ve got to stay on schedule.”
“My question still hasn’t been answered. Why didn’t you do a biopsy from the beginning? I mean, you can be honest, it’s about the money, right? Would it have cost any more money from the HMO than all these other tests, the ultrasounds, the mammograms? I mean wouldn’t it have come out about the same if you’d done the biopsy right then and there? Now we don’t know what could have happened in that span of time. The difference in the cancer spreading …” Venus’s voice rose to a peak before cutting off. She watched the nurses wheel her mother down the hall. She could barely breathe, the fluid running from her eyes and nose and past her mouth.
Timothy grabbed her wrist when she tried to follow Dr. Prah. Venus kept talking, she wasn’t afraid of doctors. They weren’t saints or great keepers of hope. Her ex-boyfriend, Clint Fairchild, was a doctor, with her help she liked to add. She’d supported him for four years while he went to medical school, then as soon as he graduated, she was expecting the big engagement ring, a big pow-wow sitting around deciding on the date of their nuptials, maybe even a promissory note for late delivery. But there was nothing. After four long years of opening her refrigerator to find urine samples, slides of blood samples, and a host of other disgusting containers, nothing.
It would be safe to say Venus had a propensity to judge them—doctors—harshly. They were simply people who often made mistakes. Just like the one Clint made by marrying someone else instead of her. Doctors were people who made mistakes, but it always seemed someone else had to suffer the consequences.
Timothy and Venus walked hand in hand, following slowly all the way to the elevator. Their father stayed by Pauletta’s side, waving as the doors closed. Timothy looked down on Venus’s head, “We’re going to look back on this day and think of it as nothing more than a memory. You won’t feel what you’re feeling now. The mind tries to re-create the same emotion, but it’ll never be as real as it is now. So let it happen. Roll around in it, let it smother you, don’t be afraid to feel.”
Venus looked up at him. “You have too many psychology degrees. You need to stop going to school and join the rest of us down here on earth.” She swung her body around and hugged him hard before the second convulsion of tears washed over her.
THEY waited downstairs in the cafeteria. Venus looked around the staid environment and wondered why they didn’t use something cheerier on the walls. Yellow or bright orange would have fought off the gloom that hovered in the air. If you found yourself in the hospital cafeteria sitting for hours, fretting and worrying, the last thing you should be staring at were depressing bland walls.
“So, how’s Airic doing?”
Venus poured another packet of sugar in her lukewarm coffee. “He’s fine, I guess.”
“Uh oh, what’s that mean?” Timothy leaned forward on his pointed elbows.
“Means I haven’t talked to him today, at all. He knew I was going to be worried shitless and he hasn’t called once.”
“Maybe he figured you’d call him, if you had any news. Phone works both ways, V.”
Venus nodded in agreement. She didn’t want to worry about Airic right now. Worrying about him would be selfish.
“So I heard you tell Mom you finished your dissertation. What’s next on your list?”
“I don’t have a list. I go where my interests take me.”
“Well, where is your interest taking you next?” Venus said with her face leaning on her open hand.
“Africa.”
Venus sat up straight. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No. I’m seriously considering spending a year there, maybe more, depends on how it goes. One of my buddies is in the Peace Corps. He e-mails me these incredible stories; it sounds like a great experience.”
“So what would you do … I mean what does your friend do?”
“He’s a doctor of sociology, but he’s helping build schools, literally, with his hands. Plus he’s teaching in one of the schools already finished.”
Venus looked hard into Timothy’s face. She thought about what she was about to say. She understood that people only
asked questions when they already had the answer, but in this case, she truly wanted to know. “What are you running from?”
He looked up at her. “Running?” He smiled, but his eyes had flatlined. He took a simple breath. “I haven’t figured that out yet.” A sadness seemed to overtake him. A sure sign that he knew, but it was no one else’s business.
Timothy was quick and intelligent, and Venus knew she was no match for him. But she had to ask. Even knowing he’d already covered that angle somewhere in his mind, analyzed his own motivations, and justified them in one full sweep. “Let’s go somewhere else, get out of here. This place is beyond depressing.” She grabbed her purse and scooted out of the hard vinyl seat.
“DAD’S probably looking for us by now.” Timothy looked at his watch. They had been walking for at least an hour. They looked up to see which corner they were on and realized they hadn’t wandered off as far as they thought. A few blocks at the most. It was mostly the window shopping and people watching that had slowed them so.
Venus stopped and turned on her heels to face Timothy. “Just a little longer.” She was scared of what was waiting back at the hospital. The thought of entering those large double doors, riding up the elevator to the fourth floor, and seeing her mother made the bile rise to her throat.
“Come on, we’ll walk this way, guaranteed to take another hour.” Timothy looped his arm through hers. “I’ll even stop to pretend I’m tying my shoes once or twice.”
Her mood lightened by the time they made it around six square blocks. The hospital lobby was filled with signs, directions, and rules. She felt sorry for anyone who couldn’t read English and was bleeding to death. Venus led the way to the north end elevators. As soon as she turned the corner, she saw a good-looking black man coming toward her. She was about to politely say “hello” as she did to all men of color just as a show of respect, but quickly realized that wouldn’t do.
Would I Lie to You? Page 8