She finished her tea and started cleaning up. The kitchen first She soaked dishes in the sink that had sat untouched too long, swept and mopped, then started the dishwasher. Next was the bedroom. She grabbed her overnight bag, carrying it up the stairs right along with the vacuum from the hall closet. Their bedroom wasn’t as bad as she presumed. The blankets and comforter were hanging off the side of the bed. Clothes were draped over the large chaise in the bay window, but nothing drastic. She gathered his pants and shirts to put in a pile for the dry cleaners. Instinct pushed her hands into each set of pockets. On the last pair, she pulled out a folded piece of notepaper. Venus walked to the edge of the bed and sat down, still holding all the clothes.
She knew before she opened the paper fully. Her mouth went dry, a wretched taste, sour and metallic all at once on her tongue. She folded it back up, her hand shaking. How could he know what the price would be at future dates? She remembered asking herself that question when she’d found the file in her apartment. She remembered thinking that she could help. Probability and analysis were her specialty. She remembered. She knew. Now she understood. He’d done exactly what he was accused of. Airic. She put her face in her hands still hugging his clothes close to her chest. His shirts smelled of his aftershave. The scent that had sickened her only days ago, she now relished.
Airic.
It had taken all the strength left in her body to continue moving about the day. She’d driven to the dry cleaners, stopped at the grocery store. Gone to Wendy’s and finished Act I, Scene 2, of crying on her shoulder. She took Sandy home, needing someone who loved her unconditionally. Her little cocker spaniel didn’t know about her weaknesses, her unfailing ability to destroy anything good that came in her path, whether directly her fault or not It was exactly the reason she couldn’t stay with Jake. He was too good to be exposed.
She came back to the house and cooked, just as she’d planned to do. The scent of baked red snapper with bell peppers and rosemary hung in the air. She heard the door unlock, then Airic coming inside. She listened while he hung his keys on the metal rack near the door, along with his trench coat.
Venus dried her hands on a towel, walking directly to Airic. He’d lost weight Sharp wells showed underneath his cheekbones. His pale skin was dull. She hugged him. He held on to her while Sandy danced around their legs.
“You made it” His heart was thinly beating underneath his shirt.
Venus pulled away. “I cooked dinner.” She went back into the kitchen before he noticed the puffiness underneath her eyes, the signs of defeat in her face.
“Smells good. I’ll wash up and be right there. Hey, little girl.” He bent over and played with Sandy. Airic liked the cute bundle of fur and wagging tail but couldn’t make any promises that she’d get fed regularly, which was the very reason Venus had taken her to Wendy’s while she worked in Los Angeles.
The plates were already on the table, the food sitting in the center. Airic walked in and sat down. “This looks good.”
They ate and drank, clinking forks to ceramic, ice to glass. Venus swallowed with difficulty every bite, clearing her plate. She didn’t remember how the food tasted. Sure it was delicious. She didn’t do anything differently, and it was Airic’s favorite. His plate was cleaned, too.
“Am I that bad, Airic?” The words rushed out. Venus couldn’t stay silent on the subject any longer. “Am I such a harsh horrible person that you couldn’t trust me, couldn’t depend on me?”
He took a long heavy breath. “What can I say? It didn’t work out.” His eyes lifted up to hers, the first time he’d looked her directly in the eyes since he’d been home. “I didn’t want you to know. I thought I could fix things. I thought I’d have time to fix the company, put it back in the black, then you’d never have to know.” His shoulders slumped, his head leaning back. “I didn’t want to lose you. Your respect, your admiration.”
“Please don’t say that. Please, no. Don’t you see what you’re saying?… that you thought so little of my capacity to love, to see you through this, that you couldn’t trust me. That’s what it means when you say you were afraid. That I’d turn my back on you, walk at the slightest bit of trouble. That’s what you’re saying. God. I didn’t want you to feel that way about me. I wanted to finally be right, to finally be the person that someone could count on, through thick and thin. I wanted to be that person for you, Airic. All my life, it seems like I’ve let someone down one way or another. I lacked whatever it was that made other people stick. Made other people stay. Conviction, forgiveness, compassion, whatever it’s called. I thought you saw that in me. I thought you trusted me. But it is so obvious … there’s something seriously flawed here.” She pressed her bent fingers into her chest. “I will spend the rest of my days trying to figure it out.”
He stayed silent only for as long as it took for him to become angry, too. His narrow chin jutted out. “You know what, you’re right. I was never sure about us. From the day we met, I felt like you had better things to do than be with me. Like no matter how much time we spent together, your mind was somewhere else. I never stopped feeling like your second choice, your fall guy. I knew you weren’t over him, Clint You think I didn’t know you were still wishing for him instead of me? You spent so much time telling me that you loved me, but whenever I looked up, you were gone, New York, Chicago, Philadelphia. Then, you’re in Los Angeles.” He slapped the outside of his hand into the other. “Could you have run any farther?”
Venus shook her head. “You acted like you didn’t care if I left.”
“We both did a fine job of not caring. Honestly, by then I was far too wrapped up in this mess; you could have stabbed me with a poker and I wouldn’t have felt it Don’t you understand? I was scared. Ten million dollars of other people’s money, and I screwed it up. I didn’t have the energy or the inclination to keep chasing you, to keep hoping that one day, you’d wake up and be happy it was me by your side.”
“But, I was …”
He shook his head. “No. You were scared to lose me, like I was scared to lose you. Like this was our last chance so neither of us wanted to blow it. That’s not happiness, that’s survival.”
She’d never looked at it that way. Complacency. Merely surviving. It was the way of the land. She’d watched her mother and father do it for over thirty years, or at least that was how Venus had perceived it from her mother’s side. Only recently, she’d seen her father’s point of view. It was more than survival for him, he’d loved Pauletta … and liked her a whole bunch, too. But she was sure her mother had come to that point out of sheer wear and tear. Time. Venus believed in time. With a little time, she’d feel as deeply for Airic as a wife should feel for a husband. But now it seemed they’d run out The hourglass was empty.
“What happens next?” Venus tried not to look at her palms, ignoring what she knew was already history, written and preordained.
He shook his head. “I don’t know. I can’t deal with us right now. I’ve got to prepare to go before the board in the morning, convince them that the company is still solid, solid enough to operate without me. That’s part of the deal. The SEC wants me to resign, give my shares of the company over to a trust But the deal will only work if they don’t bust up the company.”
“I’m so sorry, Airic, I hate to see this happening. I know how hard you worked, what this all meant to you.” She too shook her head, a slow turn of incredibility. “I just can’t believe what’s happening.” She gently bit the edge of her knuckle. “I can be your test board. Present your case to me. Tell me what you’re going to say tomorrow.”
“Haven’t figured that out yet, but I wouldn’t mind a little help.” He rubbed his tired eyes. Venus stood up, next to him. He pulled her close, leaning his head against the firm flatness of her stomach. “Believe me when I tell you, I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.” She wrapped her fingers around his neck. “Let’s go make this board of directors understand what they might be losing.” He sto
od up, surrounding her with his long slim arms, a conciliatory hug. They would always be on the same side, she understood; nothing would ever change that.
BABY
THE following days were long and exhausting. Venus went with Airic to the hearings. She waited outside sitting on the hard, shiny wooden bench for hours at a time. Airic’s lawyer always looked as if the end of the world were near, shaking his head with doom when Venus would ask how it went. “You can never tell with these things,” he’d respond. But this time, he pushed through the heavy double doors, smiling. Venus stood up, scared to move her feet.
“We did it, baby.” Airic picked her up, hugging her.
What mattered for Airic was that they didn’t dissolve the company. He didn’t care if he was a part of the business. He’d worked hard, committing years of his life to its inception; more than anything he simply wanted to see it stay alive and grow.
Airic shook his lawyer’s hand. “Thanks, thank you.” He turned facing Venus. “Let’s go celebrate.”
Venus felt like a child being led out of the building, down the long tier of steps to the street. “Airic, wait. Stop.” She couldn’t take another step, staggering from the constant swell of nausea she’d experienced since morning.
“You all right?” He touched her face. “You don’t look good.”
If she looked anywhere near how she felt, he spoke the truth. Venus sat down on the concrete stairs, her face tilted up to the bright sun. Her eyes closed. “I think I’m pregnant.” She wasn’t searching for a response. She’d simply blurted the statement out to see how it would stand on its own. She’d harbored the fear, the thought, quietly, but it was burning a hole in her mind.
Airic sat down next to her on the steps of the federal courthouse.
She kept her eyes closed, absorbing the heat of the sun. Ironic that she’d had to leave California and move back home to D.C. to feel it.
“Venus.” Airic’s hand glided up her back, across her shoulder. “You think or you know?”
“I know.” She turned to him. She opened her eyes, not at all surprised to see the look of mortification on his face. “When I was dealing with my mom’s health, I guess, everything got away from me. Days kind of melted into each other. I slipped up on the pill a couple of times.”
“Okay. Okay, wow. That’s great.”
Venus shook her head no. “It’s not great. I can see it in your face. But it’s okay, it really is.”
“It’s just … I am happy, absolutely.” Airic took her hand. “Guess we better set that date, huh?” He brought her palm to his lips.
A car had passed, barely escaping being hit by a taxi. The driver’s horn went off at the exact same time as her response. “What do you mean, no?” Airic stood up, blocking the sun so Venus would have no excuse for not looking him directly in the eyes. “When are you going to forgive me? You think I don’t know what you’re feeling? I know this has hurt you. The trust, the faith. I know. But we will get past it. I’m sorry. I’ll keep telling you until you believe me.”
Venus put her head down. The wave of fullness, then a crash of emptiness in her belly. “It’s not that simple.”
“Why? Why isn’t it? It’s a choice, Venus. Yours. It’s that simple.”
“I can’t.” She swallowed hard to get the words out. “I’ve gone over it in my head, over and over, again and again, and I can’t. It has nothing to do with what happened to your company. Nothing to do with you not telling me.” Venus took a deep breath, waiting for the nauseating spell to pass, not wanting to add insult to injury by actually throwing up on his suit.
“What is it, then?” He stood up, knowing the answer.
“I do love you, Airic. I do, but it’s not enough. I wish it were.”
“Does that make any sense? Listen to yourself. We’re having a baby, Venus. No more games. No more rime to play. We’ve got to work with what we’ve got.”
Venus stood up; that was it. He’d said it in a nutshell, something she’d been trying to articulate. She didn’t want to work. She didn’t want to make it work, forcing herself into living a lifetime of regret. “I can’t. Not even if I wanted to.” It was true. For the first time she didn’t feel the need to follow a path, a divine set of circumstances. She was pregnant. Airic was the father. She’d already confirmed that with her calendar. It happened on his last trip to L.A. The scary part was that she’d hoped it was Jake’s. That would have given her a reason to go back that didn’t require her to make the decision on her own.
But she had made it. She’d cared for Airic too much to let him go through his trouble alone, the breathless waiting, hoping no one sued him in addition to the legal fees and fines. The loss of his credibility and name. She’d promised herself that she would wait until the crisis was over before ending their relationship.
He picked up her hand and pressed it to his lips. His eyes squeezed tight, as if he could change what she was about to say, change time and space and all the alignment of the stars. It doesn’t matter, he would have said if the weakness hadn’t clogged his throat. If the fear hadn’t marched all over his heart. It would matter, because she needed more than a father for her baby, she wanted it all. All the love, all the whole bunch of like, the passion, the soul. She wanted it all. She didn’t want to settle for less, she wanted it, she deserved it, and he would have to understand.
AIRIC didn’t move out right away. He had nowhere to go. After months of calling in favors and promising he’d learned his lesson to anyone who felt inclined to ask, he was finally offered a teaching position at a small college in Boston. He’d accepted. But by then, Venus had already felt like she was only half of herself, a thin shell, walking around afraid of breaking. She’d been sick to the point that she’d only gained twelve pounds by her seventh month of pregnancy. She’d blamed it on the stress. Worrying about Airic. Worrying about the new life she was carrying. She spent the better part of her days cursing her decision of depriving her child of a father. All she had to do was say the word and he would stay. But she couldn’t do it.
Even though they’d agreed and had planned the day of his leaving, Venus was overwrought with jitters and exhaustion. She wept at the sight of his jeans, faded, folded up on the bed, along with his flannel shirts, the red and blue one, the orange and black one, her favorite. She’d finally collapsed in the middle of the hallway. Airic knelt over her, touching her face. She saw him spinning above her like an old 45 record. His eyes, his nose, his nose she remembered because she could see the hollow interior of his nostrils. The blackout didn’t last long. Airic had moved her to the bed and was dialing the paramedics when she came to.
“Airic.” She sat up, rubbing her stomach. “We just need to eat something.” He hung up the phone. “Are you sure? You scared me.” He rushed out of the room. Venus heard the rumblings in the kitchen, cabinet doors opening and closing. He came back with peanut butter slathered on two pieces of wheat bread and a large glass of milk. He sat next to her on the bed.
“I hate this … it doesn’t make any sense.”
Venus swallowed the milk in large gulps. She chewed the bread slowly. He patiently watched her before he tried again.
“What are we doing here, Venus?” Airic’s sideburns had turned completely white but blended well with his ash brown hair and fair skin. He stared straight ahead while he spoke, “How did we get to this point?” He picked up the large teddy bear that sat against the wall. He squeezed the plush toy lightly in his hands. “I wish I could go back in time,” he said, flipping the small card attached to the bear’s neck. He read the signature. Venus read it too even though she knew exactly what it said. You deserve the beary best. Love, Jake. She felt both the desire to smile and cry. There were more where that one came from. All five sat on the bed where she slept each night One stuffed teddy bear a month since she’d told Jake about the pregnancy. She hadn’t told him right away. After talking to him on the phone almost daily about everything under the sun, she felt deceitful. Scared he would end h
is ritual of calling every night, soothing her with his words while she lay in bed rubbing the growing roundness of her belly. When she’d finally told him, the truth, the circumstances, he simply said, “Thank you.” For what, she’d asked. “For trusting me,” he replied. She explained that she only wanted his friendship, the same as from the start. She explained that Airic was sleeping in the downstairs guest bedroom until he could find employment and a place to live. She explained that she was scared, and to that Jake said, “Without fear, there would be nothing to conquer.” So wise to be so young was her response before crying herself to sleep.
Now Airic was asking how they’d come to this time and place. She wished she had wise words of her own.
“Is he the reason why?” Airic snatched the card off and balled it in his hands. Venus reached across to take the teddy bear out of harm’s way.
She faced him. “It’s us. It has nothing to do with anybody else. The only thing meeting him accomplished was bringing it to light sooner rather than later. Remember the heart-to-heart we had five months ago? You said it in plain English. You said you never trusted that I loved you, not from day one. So for two years we were pretending. I don’t want to pretend for the rest of our lives. I don’t. I’ve seen it. Hell, I’ve lived it. And I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, let alone my own baby.”
Would I Lie to You? Page 28