Immediately and with a suppressed cry, she hugged me hard, her tears seeping into my hair. “I thank God for this moment.”
I didn’t.
God didn’t know what it meant for me to hold my mother like this and at the same time realize it might be the last time ever. The burden pressed down on me and cut off the steady stream of air into my lungs.
Even if she’d come to terms with the way things played out, I couldn’t accept this end. I wouldn’t allow God to take my mother away from me again, and with her the only other person I loved just as much. There had to be a way, and I would find it.
A warm feeling surrounded me, took away a lot of the pain that had centered in my chest. My mother seemed to feel it, too, because she suddenly tilted her head upward with a faint smile and a relieved sigh.
The angel was near.
I let go of my mum and shifted to look over my shoulder. Julian leaned against the wall with his hands tucked into his pockets. His peaceful expression failed to cover the sadness in his eyes.
“Can I get a moment with you?” I asked.
“Anytime.” With a soft twitch of his lips, he came forward. “But let’s take your mother back to bed first. She looks worn out.”
Mum gladly accepted his bent elbow, and I followed as he led her into her room. I promised to look after her in a bit, but right now I had to find a way to keep her.
With my mother drifting off to oblivion, Julian silently closed the door. “Where do you want to go?”
I shrugged, not really caring, as long as I was with him. But then I reached for his hand and led him upstairs, through my room, toward the balcony.
He stopped me in front of the balcony door. “You sure you want to go out there? We can stay inside.”
Fear already gripped me around the neck, but it seemed important to get past that fright and proceed outside. “Just don’t let go of me, and I’ll be okay.”
Julian nodded. He followed me with his hand securely wrapped around mine. Next to each other, we lowered to the floorboards, and with the wall behind us, I leaned my head on his shoulder. The clouds, that sailed across the sky on a steady breeze, slowed. Then they stood still.
Julian pulled my hand into his lap and began to play with my fingers. “This is your moment. What’s up, Jona?”
I heaved a deep breath. “What does it take to trade? My life for my mother’s.”
His skimming of my palm ceased, and his head snapped up to meet my gaze. “That’s impossible. And you shouldn’t even think about it.” The severity in his tone made me cringe. “Life is the greatest gift in the world. You should not be trifling with it.”
“It is my life, and I can do with it what I want.” I hardly found the strength to hold his glare. “I don’t have a reason to live with both of you gone. What kind of justice is this? I find my mother after half a lifetime without her, and in the next moment I have to let go of her again.” I paused. “And of you.”
“Accept what she did for you. From this point on, you can sort your life anew. Marie and Albert will be more than happy to give you a good home.” He let go of my hand to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. “As for me, I should have listened to your mother when she warned me. She told me I’d cause you too much pain. But I was too selfish to see it. I thought what you needed was someone to show you what love can do. I refused to think of the consequences, didn’t see the pain I was going to put the both of us through.”
The pain he spoke about was tangible. The fear of loss, the longing, it all reflected in his face. It was impossible to even think of surviving one day without him. Or my mother.
“Can you not call on one of those healers you mentioned? Someone must be able to help her. Give us more time. Just a little. And if she stays, you can, too, right?”
He shook his head. “No healer can help her any more. She knows it. And you need to accept it.”
Sitting cross-legged, I braced my elbows on my knees and supported my aching head. “You know I heard you talking to her last night. You said there was a way.” A few minutes ago I had believed taking my mother’s place was the only way to be with him. Now a new flicker of hope kindled in me. I angled my head. “Tell me about it.”
Julian didn’t confirm, nor did he deny there was a possibility. He just said, “I cannot.”
“Then what does it take to find out?” I demanded loud enough to make him wince. “Do I have to guess at random? Is there a trial of courage required? You said something about sky-diving.” I jumped to my feet, standing firmly in the middle of the balcony, and pressed my hands to my hips. “If that’s it, come on. Fetch your wings, and I’ll prove I’m ready to sky-dive with you.”
He came to a stand, reached around my waist through my bent arms, and pulled me closer. “You’re a brave one, aren’t you?” His lips brushed my hair as he spoke, then he pressed them tenderly against my temple. “This is one of the many reasons why I love you.”
This was the third time he’d said it, and I longed to surrender to the words. But an immediate rush of white-hot anger flooded me, propelled me out of his arms. “How can you speak of love, when you won’t move a finger to stop things from happening? If you really meant it, you wouldn’t sit and watch as my mother decays.”
Not giving him a chance to hold me again, I whirled past him and dashed through my room then downstairs to see my mother. The bolt clicked inside the lock as I turned the key, even though I wasn’t sure if that would keep an angel outside.
My mother didn’t wake at my noisy entrance, so I perched next to her on the mattress and caressed her burning skin. I watched over her steady breathing for what seemed hours. And in that time, I made a plan.
If God decided to take both of them, he would have to deal with one more.
*
Mum woke up at the same time my aunt and uncle returned from the field. Delighted to see me in her room, she pulled me into her embrace immediately. It felt so very unfamiliar to be held by Charlene, but at the same time unspeakably pleasant. I breathed in the cherry blossom scent of her body lotion, the one she hadn’t stopped wearing since the time she’d tucked me in as a child. The memory of loving her flooded me in a warm rush of comfort.
We didn’t talk much, but I helped her get into the kitchen. Julian sat at the table with his chin cupped in his hand. I cast him a long glance, letting him know that I was no longer mad at him.
Marie and Albert greeted my mum and me with downright ridiculous expressions on their faces. Their eyes so wide they threatened to pop out, they both gaped at us with open mouths.
I waved at both of them then caught a glimpse of the box with the still dirty bottles. “Sorry, I didn’t finish cleaning them.” I grimaced. “And on that note, I’m also sorry for the broken bottles.”
“Oh, do not worry about it, chérie,” my aunt said. “I am so very happy you and your mother finally made peace. It was about time.”
I cut a glance at Julian, who seemed just as unhappy about it as I was. And for the same simple reason. We were going to lose each other soon.
“Oh, what is this? You took off the bandage?” My aunt interrupted my staring. “Is your hand fine again?”
In all the turmoil going on, I completely forgot to cover Julian’s miraculous healing demonstration. My hands disappeared into my pockets. “Yeah. Well, it tingles a little, but the pain is actually gone.”
“That is good news. But still, you will not be going to work in the vinery this week. I want your hand to be healed completely before you handle dirty roots and fertilizer.”
I nodded, trying not to think of tomorrow. I had a plan to carry out.
That night, Julian and I stayed long in my mother’s room. I intended to savor every moment I had with them both, while Julian’s supportive embrace kept me calm enough to face the inevitable.
Shortly before midnight, he led me away from my sleeping mother. “It’s late. You should go upstairs and get some rest.”
Heavy lids pushed over my ey
es. I forced them open and shook my head. I didn’t speak, so I could suppress the yawn with a clenched jaw.
His fingers brushed my too long bangs from my forehead. “She’s going to wake again tomorrow. I promise.”
My lips trembled as I pressed a goodnight kiss to my mum’s cheek. Shoulders hunched, I followed Julian upstairs.
In the hallway at the top of the staircase, I pivoted to glance at his face one last time. The way he tilted his head had me wondering if he sensed I was brooding over something. But I didn’t give him time to question the matter. Instead, I cupped his face and, standing on my tiptoes, I pressed my lips against his.
His mouth opened, welcoming the kiss, while his arms encircled me. The aching in my chest almost broke me when I let go of Julian and hurried into my room.
The door clicked shut behind me, sounding like the signal of my intention. Slouching on my bed in the dark, I waited a quarter of an hour, reveling in the taste of Julian on my mouth. Then I rose and sneaked out into the empty hallway.
To carry out my plan, I needed a weapon. And I knew exactly where to find one.
28
ANGEL TEARS
ALBERT’S OFFICE WAS dark and silent. I didn’t dare switch on the light, but I pulled back the curtains Marie closed every night, and soft moonlight streamed through the window.
From the wall, I picked one of the dueling guns. The right one. The one Albert had told me was still loaded. I wasn’t sure what this medieval weapon was loaded with. A bullet, lead shot, whatever. It should suffice to kill me if shot into my head.
Walking slowly around the desk to stand in front of the window, I wondered if I should have written a letter of farewell after all. One to Marie and Albert, who came so close to being like parents in the past couple weeks. And one to my mother to tell her I’d tried to take her place, but wasn’t allowed. A letter to Julian wouldn’t be necessary. He’d know why I did it. And he could tell me off for it once we reunited after death. In Heaven.
I took a long, deep breath, steeling my nerves. Then I lifted the gun to my right temple.
“Jona, don’t!”
The shock of Julian’s voice behind me almost made me release the shot that instant. My already tense body now prickled with the addition of his presence.
I turned around. “Go away.”
Julian didn’t budge an inch.
I didn’t lower the gun, but raked the hammer back, determined to go through with it, whether he watched or not.
His hands were fisted at his sides, but he remained in the doorway. He probably feared to rush me, if he came closer. “What do you want to achieve with it?”
“If I can’t take my mum’s place, then I will go with the both of you.” My voice had an unnaturally calm note that surprised me at the edge of death.
“Please, put it away.” With lowered palms, he gestured for me to set the gun down.
“No.” I gave a desperate laugh. “No, you can’t leave me here all alone. You can’t just walk out of my life tonight or tomorrow and think I’ll take it just like that.” I snapped the fingers of my free hand on the last word. “You can’t! I won’t let you. I want to come with you. And if this is the only way, then it’s fine with me.” If the mouth of the pistol had lowered while I said it, I pressed it back into place. “I’m not going to let go of you.”
“Jona, will you please put the gun down. This is no option. Suicide never is.”
He didn’t understand me. To me, this had nothing to do with suicide in the common way. I didn’t want to end a lousy life. If that was my wish, I’d have done so a long time ago. This was about him. And about being with him. In the afterlife.
I love you, I thought so hard I hoped he would understand.
“If you kill yourself, Heaven will be denied to you. You’ll go to a different place, worse than anything you’ve ever known.” The fear entering his face seemed real. “There’s no way for me to follow. Now put it down, in Heaven’s name. Please!”
I hesitated. Suddenly, I felt completely insecure. What if he was right? What if I got this wrong, and he wouldn’t be there, at the other side? And then a much worse thought haunted me. What if he didn’t want to have me on the other side at all? He seemed fine with the way things turned out. He didn’t fight it, like I did. What kept him from doing so? As an angel, he must have means and ways. But he just waited patiently until all was over. Until he could return to his sunshiny place with no thought of me, or how much he’d hurt me the day he left.
The day he would take my mother with him instead of me.
I squeezed my eyes shut for a second. My hand slowly sagged down, and I shook my head in utter despair.
Julian must have thought he’d broken through to me and talked me off my plan. He started forward, but at his first move, I raised both my hands with the gun clasped. This time I pointed it right at the center of his chest, already firing an invisible blast of anger and frustration at him.
“Fine,” I whispered. “If you don’t want to take me with you, then you won’t take my mum either. Go to hell, Julian.”
For the count of a heartbeat, Julian seemed more hurt by my words than being hit by a bullet. But he gathered himself quickly. “I don’t do business on that end. You can shoot me if you want. It won’t help you a bit. And after today even you should know the bullet would never be fast enough to hit me.”
He took a step forward, a bit uncertain it seemed. He didn’t yet trust me that I wouldn’t shoot after all. And a good thing he didn’t, too. Because I had every intention to stop him from coming.
“Stay where you are.” The gun and my glare were still pointed at him directly. My finger trembled on the trigger.
But I didn’t shoot at his next step. Or the next.
When he finally skirted the desk, our gazes locked at all times, I tracked his every step with the gun’s mouth. The final blow never came.
We stood face to face for the length of a breath. Then he slowly reached for the weapon. “Give it to me.”
I had run out of options. Realizing I couldn’t shoot either me or him, there was only one possible way to get where I wanted. Take one step forward and proceed into his arms where I yearned to be.
Eventually, I surrendered and let go of the gun. Julian placed it on the desk, never taking his eyes off me. He closed the remaining distance between us with one last step and took me in his arms. I shoved my hands up his chest and locked them around the back of his neck in a clinging embrace, burying my face in his shoulder. Longing captured us both.
Julian rested his chin on the top of my head and hugged me tighter.
“Love you,” he whispered, but I couldn’t tell if I really heard it, or if the sound of it only played out in my mind.
I wished I could tell him the same, just once, so he’d know before he’d disappear forever. But sobs rocked me in his arms, and I couldn’t bring myself to speak. Never before had I felt this helpless.
*
The darkness in Julian’s room matched the grief inside me. My cheek pillowed against his chest, the tear-soaked cotton of his shirt stuck to my skin. Aftermath chills of what had happened in my uncle’s study raced through my body. But warmth emanating from the angel I embraced soothed my nerves on the edge of breaking.
His arms wrapped around me. I closed my eyes, trying to find some peace before I paid my mother another visit. Maybe the last one.
At Julian’s slightest stir underneath me, I jerked upward, wide awake. “Mum?” I glanced around the room. Daylight had swapped the darkness in the room already.
Julian brushed tender fingers over my forehead and cheek. He pressed a kiss on my brow. To see his calm and beautiful face helped me catch my breath. “Everything’s all right. Your aunt is just a little worried because your mother’s still asleep. I can sense her fear. I better go down and let Charlene wake up.”
The lump in my throat eased with a swallow. I sat on my legs. “Okay, I’ll just pop to the bathroom and then come down with you.”
His lips pressed together and his brows pulled to a frown. He gave me the impression he was about to contradict.
“Don’t you dare leave me behind!” I held his gaze for the length of a breath, eyes narrowed.
“I better not let you out of sight, anyway. Who can say what reckless idea you’d come up with next?” A sense of honesty shadowed his taunting me.
He waited while I used the bathroom. Cold water revived my tired eyes. My hand in his, we headed downstairs. Marie’s anxious whisper to Albert in the hallway drifted to us and set off a shiver in my neck.
“Something wrong?” Julian said as we approached them. His perfectly innocent tone gave me more chills.
“It is Charlene. She did not wake up this morning when I walked into her room to help her get dressed. She looks like she is asleep, but what if she fell into a coma?” My aunt sounded close to cracking as she clasped her hands together. Fear flashed clearly in her eyes. “I was just saying to Albert that we better call an ambulance.”
Julian stepped toward her and touched his hand to her forearm. “Jona and I kept her awake long last night. She’s probably just exhausted. Let her rest for a few more minutes. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”
I was already heading into my mother’s room, but even with my back to him, I felt the lie in his words. She wasn’t going to be fine. Today might be her last. Maybe someone should tell Marie. She would want to say her goodbyes to her sister, too.
But how to break the news? Sorry Marie, but you know Julian—the angel—was taking care of my mother while I was still furious with her. Now, that everything is fine between us, God is going to collect her soul. Not quite the words someone would like to hear when they were expecting Good morning, did you sleep well?
My mum lay on her side, facing the door when I entered. Although her eyes remained motionless behind closed lids, her breathing seemed steady enough for someone sleeping. Not dead. Yet a hint of uncertainty stopped me in the middle of the room. Regarding her for a long moment, the aching in my chest welled, and my breathing hitched to staccato sighs.
Loving Your Lies Page 28