Not only did I have a nightmare last night. I could remember every detail about it. And I was sure I’d never had one before that left me so sickened and horrified.
In this nightmare, I was in my parent’s shack back at the clan’s homestead. I was groveling on my knees in front of my pa, sobbing uncontrollably as I pleaded with him. In my misery, my words didn’t make any sense and sounded more like the noises a wounded animal might make. During all this my pa didn’t say a single word, and instead just gave me a look as if I was absolutely worthless. When I reached for his hand so I could further implore him, he stepped forward and struck me a hard blow above my ear, in the same way that I had struck some of them I’d picked up so I could knock them unconscious. His blow didn’t knock me out, but instead drove me to the dirt floor, so that I was lying on my face.
‘You’re either one of us or one of them,’ my pa said to me, his voice filled with disgust.
Dreams don’t always move in ways that make sense, and that’s what happened with this one, because the next thing I knew I was with the rest of the clan in the sacred hall for the slaughtering rituals. At first I couldn’t see which one of them was being prepared for slaughter, as several of the clan members were in front of this person, tying a rope around his wrists and hoisting him up so that his feet dangled just enough to leave his toes barely touching the floor. But as these clan members moved away, they revealed that it wasn’t a him that they had tied up, but a slight girl with muddy brown hair and an awful gray pallor. As my eyes focused better, I realized that her hair wasn’t really brown; it was dirt that had colored her hair that shade. To my horror, I was able to see through the extreme terror disguising her and realized it was Jill who had been hung up for slaughtering. In my cowardice, I stood there both unable and unwilling to rescue her.
The slaughtering ritual demands that one of the elders strike the silencing blow, but when the elder called me forward and handed me the truncheon, I took it from him and struck Jill across the jaw with it as the ritual required. The elder then took the truncheon from me and handed me the slicing knife, and I pulled open her shattered jaw, took hold of her tongue, and sliced it off as the ritual demanded.
I woke up then, my skin ice cold, a nausea twisting my stomach. At first I was confused as to where I was, thinking that I was still at the slaughtering ritual and that I had actually done what I’d dreamed about. I don’t think it’s possible to feel worse than I did during those moments before I collected my wits and realized that I was only dreaming. Before that happened, all I wanted to do was use the slicing knife to cut my own throat and end my agony. Then I recognized Jill’s apartment and understood that it had only been a nightmare.
I know that dreams aren’t prophecies, and long ago realized that the purpose of a nightmare was to make me confront a fear I’d been ignoring. As the thudding inside my chest slowed and I was able to think more clearly, I understood the fear that I’d been hiding from. This awful nightmare literally made no sense. It would be impossible for my clan to find me. They weren’t about to kidnap Jill and me, and I certainly wasn’t ever going to take her back to them. They posed no risk to us. But what this nightmare was trying to warn me about was that if my cravings got bad enough, I might harm Jill without being able to control myself. I resolved that that would not happen. If I was unable to find a way to keep the cravings at bay, I would flee far enough away from Jill for her to be safe from me, no matter what murderous madness the cravings drove me to. I was not ever going to let any harm come to her.
Even after I understood all that, ghostly images from the dream continued to haunt me. I made my way over to Jill’s kitchen so I could read the clock embedded in the oven’s display. Three thirty-eight. I wasn’t about to close my eyes again to try for more sleep and risk seeing those terrible images. I wanted to go outside and roam the neighborhood, feel the night’s air on my face even if it were only the stale city air. But I was determined to keep my promise to Jill, so I went back to the couch and tried to read more of the book I had chosen, though I found it exceedingly difficult to concentrate on the words.
In my clan, and I suppose all the other clans, our women cook our food. The most I’d ever used a kitchen for was to reheat one of their stews, or for slathering honey or jelly, or both, on a biscuit they’d baked. But I figured if I could teach myself how to fix the vans and use the power tools I’d brought to the clan to build homes with indoor plumbing, I could also figure out how to cook something. One of the items that I had selected from the market was a package containing the wherewithal for making vegan pancakes, and after reading the instructions I decided that this morning I would make breakfast for Jill and myself.
The cooking went easily. I found the bowl and skillet that I needed, and all that was required was to empty the pancake mix into the bowl, add some of the almond milk that I had bought, stir the mixture, and then spoon lumps of it on to the skillet. On my own initiative, I added blueberries to the mix, which seemed to work out nicely, and before long I had a plate piled thick with pancakes.
I was going to keep Jill’s pancakes warm in the oven and leave her a note saying that they were waiting for her, since I didn’t expect her to be up early enough to eat with me and certainly wasn’t going to wake her, but she wandered out of her bedroom wrapped in her flannel robe. Her face looked as craggy as the other time I’d seen her after waking, and more than beautiful enough to bring a small lump to my throat. I said I was sorry if I’d made any noise that woke her, and explained how I hadn’t expected her to be up at this hour. I asked if she’d like to join me, or if I should leave her plate warming in the oven.
‘This is so unbelievably sweet of you,’ she said, her eyes moistening with tears as she realized that I had cooked food for both of us. ‘Sometimes I have to keep reminding myself how completely different you are from Ethan and others I’ve dated. And no, you didn’t make any noise. I’m not sure why I woke up this early. And yes, Charlie, I would love to have breakfast with you.’
I retrieved her plate from the oven and placed it on the table opposite my own plate. Between us in a glass jar were the daisies I’d bought Jill the night before. Also on the table was a bottle of maple syrup that I’d bought. We didn’t have any maple trees near the area of wilderness where my clan lived, but we did have pine trees and we tapped them for their sap and made a syrup out of it. I figured the maple syrup would be similar, but it was very much different. At first I was put off by it, but as I tasted more of it I grew to appreciate it almost as much as the pine syrup.
After her first bite, Jill commented on how good she thought the pancakes were. ‘I never would’ve imagined that vegan pancakes could be this tasty and fluffy. And adding blueberries was a really nice touch.’
I wasn’t sure whether it was her words or the way she smiled at me that made me blush, but I felt my cheeks heating up. I grunted something about being glad she was enjoying them, while in my embarrassment I tried to hide my blushing from her. This made her smile in a way that made me blush even more. I could even feel a burning in my ears.
I finished my pancakes first, and waited for Jill to finish hers so I could wash the dishes before leaving. I had already scrubbed and dried the skillet, bowl, and other utensils that I’d used in preparing the pancakes. Once Jill was done, I got up and took our plates and forks to the sink. She told me I could leave them there and she’d wash them later. I shook my head, and commenced to clean them.
‘Charlie, I lied before,’ she said. ‘I know why I woke up so early. I felt awful about how weird I acted last night, and I wanted to see you before you left this morning.’
She had gotten up from the table, and I could feel that she was standing close by. I turned to face her, and could see that her eyes had again moistened with tears.
‘I don’t know. I think I was just creeped out after Ethan’s bizarre performance and then hearing about that awful murder only two miles away. But I’m sorry if I acted weird.’
‘
You didn’t act in any way that was wrong,’ I said.
She reached up and took hold of me by my neck and lowered my head so that she could kiss me passionately on the mouth. After she broke off, I said, with my voice little more than a pant, ‘We shouldn’t do that again until I start courting you. It is too difficult after a kiss. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stop if you kiss me like that again.’
She smiled at me in a wicked way. ‘Too late, Charlie. That boat has sailed. We’re going to keep kissing, maybe several times a day – though it’s not easy for me to stop either. But OK, we will keep it at just kissing, at least until you move into your sublet apartment.’
NINETEEN
I left Jill’s apartment early enough to have time to stop at a nearby market for a cup of coffee before starting my job as a dishwasher. I was also curious to read the day’s newspaper and see if it was reporting anything new about the two of them I’d killed, but that would have to wait until later.
When I arrived at the restaurant I was surprised to see how crowded it was. All of the counter space was taken and most of the tables were occupied. While six o’clock wasn’t early for me, I thought it would be for them, but I guess they’re out at all hours in this city.
Since there was no one standing behind the cash register and I couldn’t see the short, stocky man with a big head named Chris who’d hired me, I stopped one of the two waitresses as she hurried from a table and told her I was supposed to start working there that day.
‘Yeah, OK,’ she said, giving me a quick impatient look. ‘Eddie’s waiting for you in the kitchen. Be a hon, and drop this off on the way.’
She tore a slip of paper out of a pad and handed it to me, and pointed with her eyes to where she wanted me to leave it. Before I could tell her I’d gladly do her the favor, she hurried off to grab a coffee pot. I ignored her rudeness and, having left the paper on the counter, where she’d indicated, continued on into the kitchen.
The smell of grease and burnt animal flesh was far more pungent inside the kitchen than it had been in the front part of the restaurant, so much so that I found myself breathing in through my mouth to avoid it. A heavy man with a rag wrapped around his bald head was standing by a large grill cooking food, while a much smaller man stood by a sink spraying water on a plate. I decided he had to be the Eddie who was waiting for me. When I approached him, he barely looked at me before telling me I was late.
That wasn’t true. When I walked into the restaurant, a clock on the wall showed that I was five minutes early, and I told him that.
‘You going to fucken’ argue with me? It’s going to take me fifteen minutes to train you, so you should’ve been here fifteen minutes ago. So don’t mouth off to me.’
I felt my eyes glaze as I looked at him. He was short and scrawny, and another of them I would’ve liked to stuff in a burlap sack, even if there might not have been enough meat on him to justify the effort. Nobody there knew my name or where I was staying. As his insult burned like acid inside me, I considered killing him, but if I did that the police would be after me and they’d probably find me, given that Chris and the waitress I spoke with would be able to describe me fully. If I only beat him into a bloody mess instead, nobody would probably care. Though if I did that, I’d lose my lowly dishwasher work, which I needed so I could pay for the apartment – and given the way I felt after Jill kissed me this morning, I desperately wanted to move into that apartment so I could start courting her. As galling as it was having one of them treat me with disdain, I decided that retribution for their insults wasn’t nearly as important as being able to court Jill.
‘I’ll arrive twenty minutes early tomorrow to make up for it,’ I said.
He turned off the water in the sink and gave me another look, this one not as sour. ‘You’re OK,’ he said, nodding. ‘What’s your name?’
‘Charlie Husk.’
‘Eduardo.’ He edged closer to me and, with his voice lowered, said, ‘The dumb fucks here think it’s a joke to call me Eddie.’ He walked past me and signaled me to follow him.
‘This is where you hang your apron when you leave,’ he said pointing to a hook that had an apron dangling from it. ‘If you wear a coat, you hang it on that hook while you’re working. Put the apron on.’
I did as he asked, and he walked me over to where there were two plastic trays on a stand. One of them was half filled with dirty plates, glasses, and eating utensils. The other was empty.
‘The waitresses leave the plates and shit in these trays,’ Eduardo said. ‘They fill one up before throwing the shit in the other. Whenever you run out of dishes to clean, you come here and pick up the tray that’s got shit in it, and bring it over to the sink. No good if you let both trays fill up. One of the girls will bitch to Chris if you let that happen, and you’ll be out on your ass. Always rinse the tray out before you return it. Now pick up the one that’s full.’
I picked it up and brought it over to the sink, with Eddie tagging behind me. ‘We got two machines. One on the right needs to be emptied, one on the left needs filling up,’ he said. ‘Dishwashing ain’t no rocket science All you do is rinse everything off before you put it in the machine. The scraps that can go down the disposal, you put down the disposal. Bones and shit that’s too big, you throw into one of those trash cans. And when the trash cans get filled, you take them out back and empty them into the dumpster. Always close the dumpster afterwards, or cops can give us a fine. And if that happens, Chris will fire your ass. You go empty that machine. I’ll tell you where to put the shit.’
I did as he asked, and he pointed out where I needed to store the plates, glasses, coffee mugs, and utensils. Once I’d done that, he watched with his arms crossed as I rinsed off the dirty dishes from the tray and finished loading the other machine. After that, he told me how to load soap into the machine and how to start it.
‘I saved those pots and pans over there for you to scrub,’ he said, nodding to a large pile of dirty pots. ‘When things slow down, you get to them. Cook will add more to the pile. Before your shift ends, empty the garbage cans and scrub them clean using the hose out back. If they ask you to clean a restroom or some other mess, don’t argue, just do it. Cleaning supplies are in that closet. That’s it.’ He smirked and added, ‘Congratulations. You’re ready to be a dishwasher here.’
While I was loading one of the machines, both waitresses had dumped dirty dishes into the other tray. The redheaded one who had sent me to talk to Eddie, entered the kitchen again to dump off more dishes. Eduardo watched her as she left. He winked at me.
‘You see that nasty look she gave us? That’s because the tray over there is getting filled. You better return this empty one, and grab that one for emptying. It won’t be slowing down till nine thirty, maybe ten, so you’ll be kept hopping till then.’ He gave me a reflective look. ‘You serious about coming in twenty minutes early tomorrow?’
‘I said I would.’
‘You’re OK then.’ He smiled at me, showing off several missing teeth. (My clan has strong teeth and my kin seldom lose any, which made the tooth abscess Patience suffered a surprise, although I figured later that the Webley clan isn’t blessed in that way like my clan is.) ‘Let me give you a tip. Get rubber shoes like I’m wearing. Those work boots you have on are going to be soaked by ten this morning, and in a week they’ll be ruined. I’ll get you a couple of plastic bags from up front, so you can put them over your boots till you get better footwear.’ He wiggled a finger for me to lean closer to him. ‘Those girls might look sweet, but they’re fucken’ piranhas. If they see you doing anything wrong, they’ll bitch about it to Chris. Mr Cook over there is OK. He keeps to himself. But the one who takes over from him you got to be careful with. I don’t trust him one bit.’
‘The cook’s name is Mr Cook?’
‘No. I don’t know what his fucken’ name is. But don’t worry about him. It’s the other one you got to worry about. That one’s a sneaky bastard.’
As promise
d, Eduardo brought the back plastic bags for my boots. Then he left me to my dishwashing. He was right about me being kept busy. My morning became a steady stream of rinsing plates, loading the machines, unloading them, and scrubbing the pots and pans waiting for me whenever I could fit them in. At times the cook would add more pots and pans to my pile, but he never said a word to me.
I didn’t mind the constant work, even though it was washing dishes. It kept my mind focused on simple tasks, and kept me from thinking too much about the cravings. By this time the cravings had worked deeper into my jaw and into my skull and sinuses, making me feel like I was suffering from a dull, constant headache. At times, when I forgot to breathe in only through my mouth, the smell of the grease and cooked animal flesh that assaulted my nose made the cravings worse, and several times I winced because of it.
Around ten o’clock the work slowed, as Eduardo said it would. Also around then, the cook left and the one Eduardo warned me about took his place. This new cook was black-skinned, and he was as heavy and bald as the other one. He too wore a rag tied around his head.
With the work slowing down, it gave me a chance to finish scrubbing the pots and pans that had piled up and also to empty the garbage cans, which by this time were close to overflowing. At times, while I was working at the sink and had my back turned to him, I’d feel the new cook staring at me, and a quick glance over my shoulder showed that I was right. Whenever I caught him like that, he immediately looked away and acted as if he hadn’t been doing anything, though he was. And all those times I caught him, he was wearing a thick scowl on his face. I didn’t like the idea of one of them sneaking angry looks at me that way, but after thinking about it I decided it would be best not to say anything to him. As I’ve already mentioned, I wasn’t going to do anything that would risk delaying me being able to court Jill. If this cook’s behavior bothered me enough, I could always follow him later, after he left the restaurant, and make sure he understood where he was on the food chain.
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