“Well, it’s not what you think. Mike and I are childhood friends. He has always been there for me and I am grateful to God that He has blessed me with one sincere friend at least.” I am trying my best to conceal my happiness and excitement, so I start talking to her about Mike. It is much easier for me to tolerate that fucking hunky cop when I know this girl has no feelings for him.
“But the way he looked at you, it didn’t look like friendship,” I point out.
“When we were at school, we promised each other that if neither of us had found a suitable partner by age twenty-five, we’d get married.” She smiles as if thinking about the past. “He is still holding his promise for me.”
Holy shit! I was right. The guy is in love with her.
“Do you feel the same for him?” I say a silent prayer in my head. Oh Lord in heaven, please show some mercy. She is quiet for a moment, playing with her straw, then continues without looking at me.
“No, I don’t feel like that about him or anyone. There will be no one.” Suddenly her declaration reflects in her eyes and I see a tragic past through the tears. For the first time I realize she has suffered a broken heart. Her past is not letting her go, so she can’t step into the future. I don’t want her to cry, so I change the subject.
“Umm… there’s one more thing I didn’t tell you. My intelligence service also mentioned that you attend a dance school.” I continue with my appetizer. We both get interrupted again by the waiter, who shows up to take the main course order.
“Please have a look at the menu; I am not sure what to order for you.”
“Anything you want. Order the same as you’re ordering for yourself. I’ve liked your choices so far.”
“You should not trust a stranger like that. What if I poison you?” She peeks one eye out from behind the menu to look at me. I lean back and relax, closing my eyes, and reveal the truth.
“I am already intoxicated with your divine beauty, Rania. How much more can you do to me?” I keep my eyes closed, so I don’t see her expression. All I hear is that she ignores my confession, and orders chicken kobideh for both of us. After the waiter excuses himself, I open my eyes, and I see her fixing her scarf, looking agitated. I have embarrassed her again.
Why am I behaving like a shit?
“You don’t like when someone compliments you?” I look at her keenly, waiting for her answer.
“I don’t trust those types of comments from men.” She busies herself with her lime juice and continues. “They all send the same message.” She pauses, then looks at me. “It’s like an I-want-to-fuck-you sign on their heads.” And she looks down, her fingers once again toying with a straw.
Her words jar me. I wasn’t expecting this kind of remark from her. I adjust myself to different position, but nothing changes the tension in the air.
“But that’s not always the case, is it?” I cock my head toward her to get her attention.
“It always has been. What else do men want, other than a sleeping partner? All men these days think the same, but certainly not from the head.” She looks at me in a skeptical way. Is she treating me like those other men? But I have never told her what I wanted from her. Is she intelligent enough to figure it out? She can see my soul through her ebony eyes.
“You think Mike is the same? When he looks at you or compliments you? I’m sure he does.” I busy myself with my drink.
“Mike is different. Yes, he does compliment me, but I have never seen lust in his eyes. It has always been pure love. Though I’m not sure I believe in love.” She looks down again and starts eating her bread with yogurt. There are so many messages in everything she’s saying today. She knows Mike loves her, but she has nothing to offer in return? Why not? What is holding her back? What happened to her?
“You read books. I assume you must have read love stories too. You still don’t believe in it?” My eyes are locked on her, and she looks at me without blinking.
“How do you know I read books? Your secret spying agency informed you of that as well?” She grins at me, and takes a sip of her juice.
“I saw you picking up your Kindle when you were collecting your stuff outside my head office.”
“I appreciate your powers of observation, Mr. Gibson, but you were not courteous enough to help me, and—”
“I was shocked,” I interrupt her. She gives me a suspect look, and waits for me to say more. “I was shocked… umm… I never thought I would be smitten.”
Shit! I am actually saying this to her.
I look deeply into her eyes, and she averts her gaze and shifts her body in confusion. She is not at all comfortable when someone says something nice to her. What makes her feel so uneasy?
Why the fuck I am acting like a prick?
I have a strong gut feeling that someone has messed with her emotions really bad. I don’t dare ask her about it so soon. I want to know everything about her, all the things only she can tell me, but I will have to become friends with her first. Making sexy remarks will only push her away from me. She is close to Mike because he doesn’t wear a fuck-me look. I can never dare to ask her for any sexual commitment, unless I gain her trust. But that’s not the only thing I want from her.
I close my eyes and shake my head.
“Mr. Gibson, I don’t want to give you any false messages. You should be very clear by now that I am not the person you are looking for…” Is she a fucking mind reader? She pauses for a moment, waiting for me to look at her, and continues when I meet her eyes, open-mouthed. “I mean… I have read about you, and you should know that—”
“You are not a one-night stand for me, Rania.” I close my eyes again. “Please, don’t ever think that I see you that way.” You are the one to hold and cherish forever.
I open my eyes, finding her looking shocked. Her expression is asking so many questions, like how-do-you-see-me? Have I scared her with the truth? Is it too much information to dump on her? I have to change the subject, so I distract her.
“So, what else do you know about me? Shall I say you have been stalking me?”
“I only read what is on the Internet,” she snaps out in an instant. “You don’t believe in God? I mean, I read you deny His existence.”
“Yes, I do. He doesn’t exist for me. You can say I am an atheist.” Our eyes are locked.
“You don’t see His existence in all the things around you?” She tilts her head toward me to get more into this topic. I remain quiet and let her continue. “You don’t see changing weather, colors of the land, and shades in the water? You think no one is behind their individuality? He gave you fame, money, power, honor and instead of being thankful, you deny His existence?” She obviously wants to talk about this, talk about God.
“Thankful for what I’ve done myself? I have all this because I worked hard for it.”
“But, what about the blessings you got without even working hard? Don’t you think you are obliged to be thankful for those?”
“Like what?” She has succeeded in getting me interested.
“Like the senses He gave you, your vision, so that you can see His beautiful creations, your ears, so that you can listen to all the good things in life, your speech, through which you succeeded in taking over this city, your sense of touch, through which you can feel. He gave you all this and much more, without you asking Him. There are many people in this world who are deprived even of these blessings. Don’t you think these bounties are enough for you to be thankful?”
We look at each other keenly. I don’t know how to react. I drop my gaze. She is trying to make me believe that God has always existed. She understands that I have nothing to say, so she continues with suppositions.
“Don’t you recognize Him from the failure of your intentions?”4
I look at her blankly. She has made me speechless… again. She is so right; my intentions did fail in the face of Hi
s decisions. Regardless of the fact that I desire to kiss her, fuck her, claim her entirely, her constrained attitude guarded her from my ferocious plan, and that makes me realize that I did fail here. In a single question, she guides me to all the enlightened paths that I have never come across. I keep looking at her blankly, so she diverts her attention to the waiter, asking how long it will take for our order.
“You seem to carry a strong faith within you.” I chuckle at her.
“I wouldn’t have survived, if I didn’t have faith.” She looks down again, playing with her ring.
“So, you are thankful to Him for everything?”
“Yes, I try to be, at least!”
“And how do you thank Him?” I lean forward to hear her properly.
“There is a protocol defined in every religion. All religions have the same belief, yet, the medium of communication with Him is different. I follow what has been taught in my religion. I pray. But it doesn’t mean that He doesn’t listen, if you approach Him in any other way. He does!”
“And what about the things you are not blessed with? Is there any protocol to complain as well?” The conversation between us heats up, and I feel like I’m sitting in a classroom, firing questions at my teacher.
“If you ask me, I have no complaints. Everyone is responsible for his own deeds. We do wrong things without believing in Him, and then we complain. Though, it should have been the other way around, we should believe in Him first, so there would no mishaps in life. People who are most ungrateful, are the ones abandoned. When you are thankful, you are contented.”
“And what about the people who have everything and are still not grateful? Yet, they are showered with bounty. Why do they get all these things in life?”
“You are one of them, Mr. Gibson. What are you complaining for? Your ungratefulness for your bounties?” She has a smart mouth, and intelligence. No one has ever shown me a mirror that can reflect me inside. She has a wide vision when it comes to her faith. Through her, I am able to see the light, which has been cloaked due to my ignorance. I am able to believe in His existence.
What is going on?
“I respect your faith, Rania. It is very strong. Always hold onto it. You are very lucky that you have been guided.”
“Yes, I know. Do you know God says that when you take one step toward Him, He will take ten steps toward you? I was lucky that I took that step. And He guided me all the way.”
“Then, how can I become sure that He will show me the light someday?”
“You have already seen the light, Mr. Gibson. You are a good soul. Do you know how much goodness and grace you are getting from your generous donations?”
“You still didn’t tell me why you reject men.” I change the subject completely. I really don’t feel comfortable when people praise me for my donations. She doesn’t say anything. She keeps looking around, totally ignoring my question. “I have an offer for you,” I say. “I see that you don’t like men asking you for dates. What if we affirm what’s written in the papers and, going forward, we act publicly like we are in a relationship. Then you can avoid all the shit men give you every day.” She looks at me blankly. She is definitely not buying this. “Consider our relationship, as defined by the media, as an excuse to avoid all the sleaze balls oozing at you. No one will bother you if your name is linked with me. Think about it!”
We are distracted by the arrival of our main course. It looks very delicious and healthy. All her choices are perfect so far, like her. We start our meal quietly. I give her time to think about my proposal. What the fuck am I thinking? Why would she agree to be my girlfriend? And this is not an appropriate way to ask a girl if she is interested. Damn me! I curse myself in my head. I have messed up everything. I have to say something to take it back, but I don’t know what to say.
“Rania, I won’t lie to you. I am bloody attracted to you, but I will never push you against your will. I know you don’t see me the same way. In fact, I don’t see anything in your eyes, except the pain.” She has taken her first bite from her meal, but as soon as I mention the word pain, she coughs as if she’s choking. I offer her water but she’s coughing too hard. I crawl toward her and rub her back.
Sitting next to her is the ultimate feeling. Without any sexual encounter, this girl can give me so much pleasure; what will I do if she agrees to my offer? I would definitely be on cloud nine. I continue rubbing her back until she is able to speak.
“I am sorry. I guess something got stuck in my throat.” She takes a drink of water. She is breathing hard, and I see her breasts moving with her heartbeat.
Oh hell!
I crawl back to my seat so that she won’t notice my masculinity getting harder.
“Can I ask you something?” she says hesitantly. She gets my attention as soon she speaks, but I continue my meal.
“Anything, Rania. We are here to talk openly.”
“If you know I have nothing to offer you, that I cannot fulfill your expectations, then why are you offering me this? You are not getting anything in return.” I notice she’s not eating. She’s only playing with her rice.
Did I destroy her appetite as well?
I’m not doing anything to put her at ease, I realize. I am only making things difficult for her. I put my fork down and lean back again, arms folded over my chest. I watch her carefully, wondering what to say in return. She doesn’t look at me at all, still playing with her food.
“You’re not eating anything, Rania. Please, eat first and then we’ll talk.” I take my fork in my hand to continue with my food. She still doesn’t take a bite. “Eat, Rania! Please, finish your meal.” My tone is a bit harsh with concern.
“I want my answer first, Adam. Why would you offer, if you are not getting anything in return? What do you want from me?” she asks furiously, and I see her eyes getting wet with tears.
“I want only you. Nothing else.” I almost whisper.
She tries hard to avoid the pain coming out of her eyes. Oh no! What did I do now?
“Want me for what, Adam? I know bloody well what your eyes tell me, which you don’t say from your mouth. Please accept that I cannot give you anything. No pleasure. Nothing. So stop chasing a shadow.” She puts her fork down with a clatter and wipes her eyes with a napkin. “I am a piece of dead meat, Adam. You get me? There is nothing in me. Stop wasting your time… and mine as well.” Her voice quivers and she hides her face in her napkin. I crawl once again to her side, hoping that I can bring her some comfort.
“No, Rania. Please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry, but if you want to, it’s okay.” I put my arm around her. She doesn’t push me away. Surprisingly, she snuggles herself into my embrace, but she holds back her tears. There is no lust between us. Just two people opening their truths. I cannot describe the feelings that are gushing through me right now. Even though she has Mike as her best friend, I feel she lacks a shoulder to cry on, someone to share all her sorrows.
For the first time in my life, I feel a divine power giving me a message. A command to hold and protect her. A message that He wants someone to mend the broken pieces of her heart. She is a lonely tormented soul, and I can see the pain in her silence. I have never gotten this message from any woman, even if they cried out my name when I fucked them hard. Yet this girl, not saying anything, says so many things to me that my heart is not able to decipher them.
I never believed in God, but I can relate this feeling to that divine power.
Does He truly exist?
I sit quietly holding her. She is crying now—not like she did at the party, but her silent tears say so much.
“I am sorry… I don’t know what happens to me when you…” She wipes her tears from her face. My face is just an inch away from hers. I want to kiss away her tears and make her feel better, but I don’t dare to. Instead, I wipe her face with my hand and continue where she left off.
“When I put my arms around you?” I look into her eyes, trying to read everything she wants to say. She looks down, but doesn’t say anything. “I will only say I am thankful that you trust me enough, so that you can let your inner sorrows come out. I don’t know what it is between us. When I said I’m attracted to you, I was not lying. But it’s not lust. When I see you, I see something celestial and pure standing in front of me. I never believed God existed, until now, when I felt that He might be directing us to put our trust together. When I look into your eyes, I cannot lie, and I say everything that comes into my mind, whether you like it or not. Maybe this is the path He wants us to take. Trusting each other.”
She moves away from me and looks down, but I’m sure she’s listening. “You asked me why I’m offering for you to be my girlfriend, and trust me, I didn’t know how to answer. And I still don’t know. I wanted to take you out of the awkward situation that you are afraid of at work. People might talk about us, but at least, men will leave you alone. You captured my attention when I saw you crossing the street, heading to my building. I have been chasing you ever since. But there is no reason, or if there is, I don’t know it. I only wanted to make your life easy. I want to clean up the mess I created.”
I take a deep breath. “You asked me what I would get in return. I am a businessman, and I don’t do anything unless it profits me. I will gain your trust. I will gain your affection. I will always be there to wipe your tears, but I also want to be a part of that laughter you share with your friends. This is all new to me too, Rania. I have no idea how to communicate with a girl, when I want everything other than sleeping with her. My way of asking might be offensive to you, but trust me, I didn’t intend it. I didn’t intend to make you feel like I’m a stalker. And I don’t know myself what happens to me when you’re with me. I can’t explain it.”
My eyes are locked on her, but she keeps looking down, playing with her ring.
“Why do you want to protect me? Why are you being so generous?” She looks into my eyes with seriousness, as if she is looking through my soul.
A Silent Prayer Page 9