After what happened to me in the past, I never had a single day to look forward to in my life. I am just living my life and waiting for it to end, whenever God decides. I would never take my life myself, because that would send me to Hell for eternity. But I have been living in Hell for five years, and will be there for many more years to come. Everything is mortal, and everything has to come to an end, one day. I hope one fine day this will come to an end too.
On Saturday night, after Adam dropped me at my place, I rushed into my apartment without saying goodbye to him. I was crying, missing my mother, when all of a sudden he knocked at my door. I was so scared, seeing him standing at my doorstep, that I fell down on my knees and couldn’t stop crying. He held me in his arms to comfort me, and then put me to bed without any questions, caressing me gently until I fell asleep. I don’t know if he slept next to me or not, but when I woke up I found flowers at my bedside with a note saying that I looked pure and innocent while I slept. For the first time, after five years of misery, I hadn’t had any nightmares. I had planned to call and thank him for the lovely flowers, but after Ben’s call, the idea of giving Adam hope made me reconsider. I pretended to ignore his flowers and the deep message, and move on. My life is locked in a gilded cage of belief and culture. We are from two different worlds, and neither of us can be a part of the other’s.
And here I am, escaping from my forbidden fruit, traveling to a new city.
When the train starts to cruise, I open my cell phone and am surprised to find a voicemail from Adam.
“Hi, Rania. This is Adam. I just called to see if you’re doing okay. I wish I could do something to make you feel better, but thanks for letting me in. I hope you received the flowers.” He pauses, with a deep breath. “You look very pure and innocent when you sleep.” He pauses again, as if he is failing to find words. “I don’t know if I should say this or not, but I miss you. I’m in Montreal on business and will be back tonight. I was hoping you’d call, but I’m sure you must be busy. I just wanted to know if you are doing okay. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow. Thanks again. Take care.”
Even after my rudeness, not calling him and thanking him for his kindness, he is still worried about me. After so many years, someone is worried about me. No one would believe that I’ve seen another side of Adam, which no one knows. One who is not thankful to a person, is not thankful to God. The Prophet’s quote buzzes in my mind and I decide I will call him to say thanks during my journey.
A beautiful young lady comes by to offer me coffee or tea. I am hungry; last night I had no appetite because I spent the whole evening thinking about Adam. I ask her if she can get me something to eat, and hot tea. I wonder if he was thinking about me or not. But he said he was out of town on business. Who works on Sundays?
By the time he tries to get in touch with me, I will be gone. Ben is right, this will give me a chance to think about what I want to do. I don’t want to put my father’s job at risk. It is the only good thing left in his life, after my mother’s death, and I’m proud of his success. It has been five years since I’ve seen him. He has always contacted me through Ben. I don’t blame him, as what I did was unforgivable.
I am distracted by the young lady again, bringing tea and biscuits to brighten my morning. I plan to sleep and read throughout my journey, as I have to stay in my compartment—not much space to roam around. I hear some babies crying at the corner of the passage, which makes me smile. I have always adored babies, and I wonder if I will ever have one of my own.
By the time the train crosses the borders of GTA, I’ve finished my breakfast. The next main stop is Winnipeg, two days from now. I watch the view for almost an hour and read my book, but eventually I fall asleep. I wake to the sound of hustle and bustle, and realize that I have slept throughout the journey. The train has stopped at some station, densely covered with snow. I can’t have been sleeping for two days.
I peek outside to see which station it is, but I can’t figure it out. I am sure it is not Winnipeg. I enjoy watching people getting on and off the train. It reminds me that no matter how tough life is, it must go on.
A Chinese woman distracts me, arriving to inform me that they are shifting passengers bound for Edmonton to another compartment. I tell her that my seat has been reserved for the journey, but she convinces me that seats can be changed without notice. She assures me that my luggage will be moved. The other coach is much more modern than my previous one. It looks like first class or business class. I ask the lady again if she is sure that I have to move, and she nods with a smile. The lady informs me I can have a look around, but that I must sit down once the train starts. I see beautiful, relaxing couches with high definition flat-screens. There is a small bar and a dance floor, for the rich people who want to party in the train.
The sleeper cabins are tastefully designed with comfortable beds and attached mini washrooms. Who would want to stay in a hotel, when you could travel in business class? I am surprised at my luck and check my tickets, but I am definitely booked in the economy class, and this is not it. I head back to my seat, and the lady appears again to ask me if I would like something to drink. The orange juice is delightfully served with fresh fruit, chilled to the perfect temperature.
The train starts again and I notice that there is no one else in the coach. What’s going on? I feel strange and scared, but I am excited too, about this mistake. I take out my Kindle and start reading my book. I am on a fictional joy ride, and I don’t at first realize that it has started to get dark, even though my watch shows it’s only two in the afternoon. My eyes are strained from hours of reading, so I rub them to clear my vision.
“Reading is good, but you shouldn’t overstrain your eyes.” It is a familiar voice. I open my eyes and look up to find Adam sitting opposite me. I rub my eyes again, wondering if I am daydreaming, and he smiles at me. His gaze is, as usual, very intense, and he keeps stroking his lower lip with his index finger. I look around the compartment to make sure where I am, wondering if I’m imagining this. “It’s just the two of us, Rania. There is no one else.” He still smirks at my expression. Where am I? What is he doing here?
I give him a frightened and shocked look, expecting him to read my eyes, which he does. He answers my question without me having to ask. “You are still on Via Rail and you are still heading to Edmonton.” I stand up, gaping at him. “Don’t worry,” he says. “You’re not kidnapped. Sit down, Rania.” I take my seat.
There is no one whom I could call for help. But what would I call for? He is not harassing me. I don’t own the sleeper. He watches me, noticing my every action. My hands and my body tremble, but I try hard to control it. I don’t want him to see me like that. He leans closer to me and holds my trembling hands firmly, his focus getting more intense.
“Are you running from me?” I see a dark shadow in his eyes. How can I tell him I am not running, but I needed some time to think? I never expected to see him here. I have no freaking idea where we even are, geographically.
I keep my head down, looking at our entwined hands. I don’t have the courage to look in his intense eyes and tell the truth. He is already hurt; I don’t want to hurt him more. I have never been as rude and cold-hearted as I always pretend to be in front of him.
“Is there anything I have done to frighten you?” He gently caresses my hand with his thumbs, to ease my tension. His touch creates strong reactions in me, but I just sit here, pretending to be numb. I want to shake my head to let him know that he didn’t do anything wrong, but instead I grab his hands tighter and close my eyes with fear. He moves closer and kneels down in front of me to catch my gaze.
“Please say something, Rania. You didn’t say anything to me, and you ran away. I was expecting…” He pauses for a moment to find the words. “I was hoping for a call from you. You didn’t say anything yesterday.” He struggles hard to get me to look at him, but I am too afraid to make eye contact. I know I will col
lapse and will not be able to control myself. It is very dumb of me, sitting like that, so I gather all my courage to speak.
“Thank you for the flowers.” I look up at him. His shoulders relax as soon as I speak.
“I thought you didn’t notice. I—”
“It was the first thing I saw in the morning. Thank you. But I guess you didn’t realize what you wrote.” I glance outside the window. “I am neither pure, nor innocent.” I know he is looking at me. He moves and sits next to me, very close, reading my every expression. Everything that Ben told me about my father’s job and Adam’s nature; it all comes to mind at once. I look at him with confidence. “I am not running. It is an official trip. I have to attend a summit.” I move closer to the window, creating distance between us. He is intelligent enough to understand my hesitation, so without saying anything, he moves back to his seat, facing me.
We sit in silence for a long time; the only sound we hear is the movement of the train. I feel his eyes on me, but I keep looking out the window. There is nothing other than white landscape. Finally, I decide to break the ice.
“Did Ben tell you where I was?”
“I went to see you at work. Ben wasn’t there. They told me that you were asked to attend some summit in Edmonton, and you would be coming back at the end of the week.” He pauses for a moment to take a deep breath and leans forward to catch my attention. “For me, it’s impossible to be away from you for a week. Since you weren’t on any flights, the train was the only other option.” He pauses. “By the time I found out where you were, your train was almost outside the border of Ontario.” He waits for me to say something, but when I don’t, he continues. “I would have had to wait three days to see you in Edmonton, which was impossible for me. I don’t have much patience, Rania.” He leans back, but keeps watching me seriously.
“How did you get here?” My voice is full of curiosity, but I try to control it.
The corners of his lips lift in a smile. “You know, Rania, that I can track you down. Why do you always ask?”
“No, of course, with your stalking habits, you would know where I was, but how did you reach here?” I interrogate him like a child.
“My friend is in control and operations for Via Rail. I asked him to stop the train for a while at the nearest station. You were in Sudbury when you were asked to move in here.” What? It was him, who arranged for me to move from economy class to this lavish coach? I thought they made a mistake.
“But how did you reach Sudbury? It is almost an eight-hour drive. Were you using some kind of speed jet or something?” I sound very sarcastic, but the fact is, I am amazed.
He compresses his lips, as if he is trying to hide his laughter. “Yes, but you can call it a helicopter.” This man knows how to use his fucking money. “You are a very pathetic liar, Rania. You should not lie. It shows on your face.” He gives me a mischievous smile. I look at him in surprise. What is he talking about? “I know you are escaping from me. I don’t know why I scare you. I don’t know if it was yesterday’s news or my flowers or my voicemail, but I am dead sure you’re escaping.” He leans forward, killing the distance between us, and holds my hands again. “This whole coach is booked for us, all the way through Edmonton. We will be together for almost three days. There is no media, no waiter, no one to take our pictures and post them on the Internet. It is just us.”
Three days with him alone? In this coach? I can’t breathe properly when he is around, and he is expecting me to stay with him for three days.
“This train will stop at Winnipeg. If you are not comfortable by that time, I will head off. But for these two days, I want you to tell me everything that you are holding back in your mind. What is it that scares you about me? Have I been too hard on you or harassed you? Because every time I look in your eyes, I see only fear of me.” He pauses for a second and continues. “I thought you were reserved with all men, but when I saw you with Mike, there was no fear, no pain in your eyes. I want the same thing, Rania. I want to be the one to whom you can talk freely and open yourself. I don’t expect you to be friendly to everyone, frankly speaking. When I can’t endure you being friendly with Mike, how would I expect it with other men? I like you being restrained, but I want to be the one with whom you can laugh, share your sorrows, and open up your cocoon where you have hidden all your secrets.” He stops for a moment. “I’m not asking you to sleep with me. I know you’re judging me from my past habits, but trust me, that is not it this time.” I see sincerity in his eyes. All his declarations diffuse in my blood like a drug, but I have only one question in my mind.
“Why me, Adam?” I finally get the courage to look at him.
“I don’t know…” He shakes his head. “I feel I had been living in the dark, and you’re the only one who could bring me into the light. I know it’s crazy for me to follow you down the train tracks. But I’m living the life of a moth that wants to stay close to light, yet it knows it will burn soon. I know you have nothing to give me, and I will end up burning, but I can’t help it.”
Adam’s sudden confessions bring tears to my eyes. He doesn’t admit that he is in love with me, but what I see in his eyes is beyond the feeling of love. I can’t name it. How can I enlighten him, when my soul is lost in darkness? His truth is melting me inside. I try to remain calm, as it is time for me to comfort him. I never imagined a man like Adam Gibson would ask me for nothing but my trust.
“Adam, please…”
“I will not go anywhere, Rania, until you tell me why you are running from me.”
“Ben called me in the morning.” It is time to reveal the truth. It is pointless hiding from him, as he will find out himself, and that will provoke him to make things more troublesome for me. “He was not happy with the media attention.”
“What’s his fucking problem?” he snaps.
“He is sort of my guardian here. My father has given him responsibility for me. Baba is not happy about the news.” I pause for a moment. “He works as a UN Secretariat in the Middle East region. He has a very respectable job and people are gossiping about his daughter.” I avert my gaze to look outside. It is dark, and I have no idea how much time has passed.
Adam says, “People should mind their own business.”
“Adam, you and I belong to different cultures. In our culture and religion, girls don’t have relationships with boys before marriage. You were never a part of that culture, so I can’t make you understand, but all I can say is that this is creating trouble for my father at his work.” My tone is sharp and clear.
“He can let you hang around with Mike since childhood, but this news is creating issues at his work. That’s bigotry.” Adam’s statement is filled with sarcasm. “Where is culture and religion in Mike’s case?”
“Stop comparing yourself with Mike. He is my friend. You are… nothing.” It is true, whether he likes it or not. He looks at me with shock. “Ben tried to convince Baba that there is nothing between us. He said he is not so stupid that he can’t see what was in your eyes, when you were dancing with me.” As soon as I say it, Adam closes his eyes, hiding his feelings from me.
“But why don’t you tell him we are just friends? Like you and Mike are. We will start with a friendship. I won’t ask you to move ahead until you have complete trust in me. Can’t you have two friends? Does Mike have all the copyrights?” Adam sounds very frustrated.
“It’s not about Mike. With him, I don’t end up on the front page of the newspapers every day. It’s you who brings a spotlight on me.” I snap at him in my distress.
“So, if I were some ordinary guy, you would have accepted my friendship?” I am quiet, not sure what to say in response. I never thought about it that way.
What if he was just Adam, with no wealthy and notable baggage attached to him, would I consider making him my friend? Of course, I would have. My father would never have known about it. I look at him intently, and the
n nod in silence. He scratches his forehead, thinking. “So basically, my wealth is a problem for you. You won’t accept me with this?”
“It is not about wealth, Adam. People know you; anything you do becomes news. Please, keep me out of it. The media is always digging into your life. I don’t want…” I go mute, realizing what I am saying.
“You don’t want them to dig into your past?” He watches me cynically. I turn my face to view the darkness outside. “What is it that you’re hiding? Maybe I can protect you.” I turn at his statement. He will protect me?
“It’s not what you think, Adam.” I shake my head dejectedly and close my eyes.
“Then I want to know what it is.” I hear him moving from his seat and sitting next to me. He puts his arms around me, realizing I need his comfort. How does he know me so well? How does he know when to hold my hand, when to say kind words, when to wrap his arms around me? He is entering through the darkest passage of my heart, without even knocking at the door. A tree of forbidden fruit, walking down close to tempt me. “I will not ask you what happened in your past,” he says. “Your tears said everything that night. But if you think that being with me will bring your past into your present, then I take all the responsibility to protect you from it. But please, don’t ask me to stay away from you. I can’t do that.” He takes a deep breath. “If you think the fame is creating trouble, we can keep our relationship private. I will use all my power to protect you, Rania. All I want is your trust. That’s it.” He keeps rubbing his hand gently on my arm, comforting me. I never want to leave here. I already feel protected. I look up at him.
“Why do you want to protect me?”
“I don’t know. I feel like doing it. Maybe God has appointed me for that. You know everyone is sent with a purpose. I guess this is my purpose.”
A Silent Prayer Page 11