How did he know I wanted a regular sandwich? He is truly a mind reader.
We both dive into the food immediately, eating without talking to each other.
After dinner, Adam makes a few calls and disappears upstairs. I become engrossed in an animated movie, which I thoroughly enjoy. After almost half an hour, I notice Adam sitting on the other couch watching me intently, rubbing his index finger on his lips, which he usually does when he’s thinking. I glance at him for a second. He has showered and changed into a white T-shirt and navy blue pajamas, which look extremely sexy and masculine on him. I return to the movie, trying to pretend I’m not drooling at his beauty, though I am. You are a pathetic liar . . . anything you think comes to your face. His words tingle in my mind and I am afraid of him seeing the truth on my stupid face.
“You like watching children’s movies?” He interrupts my wild thoughts. I was not watching the movie; I was lost in you.
“It is not for kids. This movie has made more money this year than any other.”
“It’s an animation. Kids watch it, I guess.” He looks back and forth from me to the movie.
“You will like it, once you start watching it. It has nothing to do with kids. But I watch romantic movies too. Although I don’t believe in that bullshit.”
“You think romance is bullshit?”
“A guy meets a girl, starts dating with a kiss and ends with wild sex in the bedroom. That’s what all romantic movies are about. You can’t call them love stories. It’s pure lust, one of the deadly sins.” His expression says he is not convinced. “Do you believe in romance?” I ask.
“I haven’t experienced it, but yes, I do believe in it. And if you call it lust, then definitely I believe in it, but I think it’s another form of love.”
“I believe lust exists in love, but love is not necessarily present when lust is involved. Love is not a sin; lust is. It is up to the person, if they want to put romance in the lust or the love category. I see it as lust.” My eyes are still on the TV.
“So, all the people who fall in love and surprise their lovers with hearts and flowers, you don’t think it’s romantic? You think it’s lust?” Adam gives me his complete attention.
“I don’t know. I told you earlier. I am not that kind of a girl, so I can’t really comment on it. But then, what happens at the end? If a guy offers hearts and flowers to a girl, he expects the girl’s naked body in his bed. It is cruel to say, but that’s the truth. So where is love then? It all starts with lust, doesn’t it?”
“But sex is another form of sharing and expressing love.”
“So, when you had sex with all the females in your past, you were in love with all of them?” My question has rendered Adam speechless. He keeps rubbing his finger on his lower lip, trying to figure out what to say in return.
“I am not saying sex is equivalent to love, but at the end, when two people are passionate about each other, they would certainly opt for sex. It’s how our human bodies are made, since the very beginning of time.” He pauses for a moment and continues. “I agree sex is a part of lust, but it is also a part of sharing each other, physically and emotionally.”
“If you are emotionally attached to someone, you would want to physically attach to her too?”
“Of course, I would want to. I would want to make her feel, through my body, how I feel about her.”
Really?
I hear seriousness in his voice. Our conversation is warming up the room.
“That happens only once or twice. Then men get used to the same body, and there is no passion, no surprise.” I look back toward the movie, to avoid his gaze. I don’t want him to read my eyes and sneak into my past once again. It is too painful to share with anyone.
“Are you afraid of sex, or are you afraid to fall in love?” Adam’s sudden interrogation surprises me. What kind of question is that?
I ignore him and walk away.
PARADOXICAL
♂
I grab her hand as she passes by me, ignoring my question.
“I’m asking you something, Rania. Which scares you more? Love or sex?” I stand up and move her back to the couch. She pretends to look toward the movie, when I know she is not. I read every single expression on her face. She closes her eyes for a moment, and finally speaks with trembling words.
“Both! Love breaks the heart and tortures the soul, whereas, sex bruises the body. It’s painful both ways.” She doesn’t look at me, but I have her attention. I tuck a few strands of hair behind her ears, to see her more clearly. She is indeed hiding pain, and I can’t stop asking her this time.
“Who has done this to you, Rania? Who has made you so… bitter?” I fix my eyes on her, but she locks her gaze on the movie. I pick up the remote and turn off the television, so that I can get her complete attention. I put my hands on her shoulders and realize she’s trembling. “What happened to you in the past? You can trust me.”
I see tears forming in her eyes, but she doesn’t blink. She keeps staring at the blank television screen as if she’s frozen. The only movement is her breathing. I want to comfort her, but my question has troubled her.
“I want to remove all the scars and bruises from your soul and body, if only you ever give me a chance.”
Without even looking at me, she turns to go.
“I need to change and take a shower. I am tired.” She rushes upstairs. I don’t know what to do now. Should I follow her, make her tell me everything once and for all? Every time I try to dig out her past, she pushes me away. If I drag it out of her, she may try to run from me. I want our friendship and trust to blossom, but the more I try, the more distant we become.
Dealing with an emotional female is a first for me, and a very overwhelming experience. One minute she is talking to me openly, and within seconds, she cuts off everything and walks away just because she felt I was over the line. It surprises me that she didn’t argue with me like she usually does, when I stole her pills from her bag. Will I be able to keep my promise? Will she allow me to guard her sleep at night? She’s afraid she will ruin her father’s reputation, but what that man is doing is completely unjustified. How could he leave his daughter alone in a strange country, and expect her not to get involved in a relationship? Does he know his daughter is suffering from a painful past? Does he know about her nightmares?
I want to ask her everything, about her relationship with her father, about her mother’s death, about the man in her past. I can’t believe anyone would hurt her, emotionally or physically. But someone was responsible for taking all the emotions out of her.
After about thirty minutes, I realize she hasn’t returned from the shower. I go upstairs to check on her. There is light underneath the washroom door, but no sound. I knock gently. “Rania, are you okay?” I knock again, but I don’t hear anything from inside. Since there is no lock on the door, I open it an inch. I don’t want to invade her privacy, but I want to make sure she’s all right. She’s standing in front of the vanity mirror in her night clothes, with a towel over her shoulder. She looks completely blank; she doesn’t even notice my reflection in the mirror. She is lost somewhere, water dripping off her hair, wetting the floor mat. I look around the washroom and feel the presence of something else, besides us. It’s something that I can’t explain. It feels heavy—very heavy. I tap on her shoulder gently. She flinches at my touch, as if I scare the hell out of her.
“Hey, are you okay?” She looks at me blankly, and then at the door. I am sure she’s wondering how I got in, so I explain. “I knocked several times. You weren’t responding. I was worried.” She still looks blankly at me, not convinced by my assertions. “By the way, if you don’t know, the door doesn’t have a lock. I’m not a ghost who can sneak through locked doors.” I wink at her, trying my best to cheer her up. She looks at me with wide eyes.
“Who are you, then?” Her question shocks
me. “You show up everywhere I go, like they do. If you are not a ghost, then who are you?” What is she talking about? “You are not my shadow. You are not one of them. Then, who are you?”
“What are you talking about, Rania? Who follows you, besides me?” She doesn’t say a word, just walks out of the washroom like a ghost. I want to bring her back to this moment, so I grab her by the arm. “Your hair is completely wet. Let me dry it. Otherwise, you will catch cold.” I pull her back in front of the vanity and open up the hair dryer.
I start drying her hair, parting the strands with my fingers. She stands completely frozen, but her eyes are locked on me through the reflection. I have never seen this look, this blankness in her eyes. There is something definitely wrong.
She is scaring me.
I concentrate on her hair, drying a few strands at a time, but every time I look at her in the mirror she has same empty expression. She has beautiful hair and it is a great pleasure to touch it. I never knew a woman’s hair could be so soft, like silk threads. I only remember my mother’s hair, when I used to ask her if she would let me brush it. But drying a woman’s hair, a woman who is a charmer, a seductress, a beautiful goddess—I never imagined a moment like this.
When I pick her hair up I notice a burn scar just below her neck, on the back of her right shoulder. It looks like a cigarette burn. Sex bruises the body. Is she talking about this scar? Are there more like this? I move her T-shirt a little, and see more scars from cuts and burns on her back. She is still frozen and doesn’t notice me looking at her scars.
“What is this, Rania? Who has done this to you?” I stop the hair dryer and repeat my question, so that she can hear me loud and clear. I turn her to face me. “I want to know the name of the bastard who has tortured you, Rania. Talk to me.” I shake her hard and shout at her in my distress.
Rania gives a wild scream and falls on her knees, her head bowed down to the floor mat. Her whole body is trembling. I sit down on the floor and lift her head gently. What is going on?
She continues screaming, and I let her, despite the fact that other hotel guests might hear. I want her to let out all her fears. She shivers hard and all I can do is wrap my arms around her in a tight embrace. She cries and screams in pain for more than ten minutes, until she has no energy left to shed any more tears. Finally, she gathers her breath to speak.
“Please don’t ask me about my past, Adam. It is very painful to go back in time. I want to forget everything.” She rests in my arms and whispers into my body. I shift back and hold her face in my hands.
“If that’s what you want, then I will not ask you ever again. Your screams said everything. If it’s painful for you to go back, then I’m sorry.” I wipe her tears with my thumb and kiss her forehead to soothe her. I lift her from the floor mat and lead her toward the bed to tuck her in. She is completely exhausted. I settle her under the comforter and turn off the bedside lamp. I’m about to go lie down on the chaise when she grabs my hand.
“Please don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay here in the room with you. You can go to sleep.” I sit beside her and rub her forehead gently.
“I trust you, Adam. Please lie down with me. I am afraid of nightmares.” Her sudden appeal surprises me; she must be feeling very vulnerable and afraid. She rolls herself toward the other pillow to make space for me.
We both rest our heads on the pillow, facing each other. She smiles sadly, but she still manages to talk to me.
“Thank you. Thank you for everything.” She holds my hand tightly and tucks it under her head. “Who are you, Adam?” I look at her with wide eyes, not sure what she’s asking. “Are you an angel or a fine spirit? You can’t be a genie, I mean Jinni, are you?” Her questions startle me. “Please, tell me who you are.”
“I am a normal human being, Rania. What made you think I’m an angel?” I caress her hair with my fingers and she closes her eyes at my touch.
“Humans don’t possess angelic qualities. Neither do Jinn. I haven’t seen anyone like you.” Her voice is almost a whisper. She melts me with her words and I want to kiss her passionately, to do something only humans can do, but I control my feelings for the time being.
“I don’t possess any angelic qualities. I have broken many hearts, I was not a good son, and I have been through almost all levels of sin. I’m a human version of Satan. Don’t think of me so highly.”
“No, you cannot be Satan. He was created from the smokeless fire. The difference between Satan and a human is the flesh and fire. You don’t possess any fiery quality.”
I look at her strangely. “What would you know about Satan?”
“I thought you said you don’t believe in God’s existence. Why would you believe in Satan?” she asks.
“Honestly speaking, God has not done much to me in the past to justify His existence, but yes, I know for sure Satan exists. I guess all humans are half demon.” I pause for a moment. “What do you know about Satan?”
“Not much. When God created Adam in heaven, He asked all His angels and other creatures to bow to the newly created flesh. All creatures obeyed God, except Satan. He was gifted with will, unlike angels, and he possessed all the characteristics which we humans possess—envy, disbelief, arrogance, stubbornness, and false pride.”
“He wasn’t an angel?”
“No, Satan is a Jinni, a demon. Before God created mankind, Satan dwelled on the earth, along with the angels, and imitated the angels’ actions and behaviors. At that time, he was one of the most devout worshippers of God. Satan was also very knowledgeable, and that caused him to be very proud and consider himself one of the best of God’s creations.”
“Why did he refuse to bow to Adam?” I ask her intensely.
“Pride. Pride took everything from him. He thought he was more divine and powerful than Adam, so he refused to obey God, though it was His command. God never wanted the angels to worship humans. But since Satan was a proud Jinni and disobeyed God, he was thrown out of heaven and got designated as the King of Hell.” She pauses for a moment, looking intensely into my eyes. “You are certainly not a Satan.”
“I’m not an angel, either. I do possess will. That makes me either human or Satan.”
“But you are not obeying your will, Adam. You are doing everything against it. It was not your will to be there with me all the time, to protect me. You are obeying God. That is very unlike a human or even a demon.” Her knowledge about the entire Satan and angel concept is captivating. I want to learn more from her, though I don’t believe in all this. It is like a bedtime story; the more she tells me, the more I want to hear.
“How do you know all this?”
“It is all in the Holy Quran. Even the Holy Bible contains this information, how Satan disobeyed God. Haven’t you read it?”
“What makes you think I’m a Christian?”
“I thought so…”
“I haven’t read any word of God. I told you I never believed in Him.”
“You still don’t, do you,” she says, as a statement. I take a deep breath and look back into her eyes.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I do and sometimes…” I pause for a moment. This is such a strange topic. “So, are there any differences between Jinn and humans, other than their appearance?”
“Humans are made of clay. God collected seven different kinds of clay from the earth to create Adam. Clay supports and gives life, whereas, fire destroys and burns.” She pauses for a moment and continues. “But like Satan, humans also carry pride, envy and arrogance, which sometimes work as a fire. There is a very thin line between humans and Jinn. Though they are invisible to humans, they do exist.”
“So, there is only one Jinni, I mean Satan?”
“No. There are many, more than the human population. They have a world within our world, but we can’t see them unless they want to be seen. There are
males and females. There are good and bad ones, as well. You know what the interesting part is? Each human has been assigned a Jinni, a demon. We don’t see it but it is always there. We recognize it when our soul is not strong enough to protect our body and our demon takes it over, which makes us do all the possible sins.”
“That’s very interesting. I thought it’s us who commit sins. I thought our souls were demonic.”
“No and yes. We are physically involved in a sin. God created humans with goodness. If our soul is not strong enough to believe in Him, our demon overtakes our body, by manipulating our soul. It is our duty to protect ourselves from our demon.”
“So what happened to Satan, when he was thrown out of heaven?” I ask her with more interest. Do I really have to believe all this?
“He did not ask for forgiveness, due to his pride. He only asked for respite from his punishment, till the Day of Resurrection. So God delayed his punishment till that day.” She continues sharing her story. “Once Satan knew he was safe from destruction, he rebelled and declared war on Adam and his descendants. He is determined to make disobedience attractive to humans and to tempt them to commit immoral acts and go against everything that is pleasing to God, so that they will share his fate on the Day of Judgment. He created sinful acts that are more attractive to humans than the acts that are counted as good deeds. God, on the other hand, gave him all his powers, knowing that the humans He created have the ability to love, forgive and repent. He has faith in His creation, that no matter how much Satan tries to magnetize a human to commit a sin, a person always has an open door for repentance.”
“So you are saying that no matter how sinful you are, if you ask for forgiveness, you will be forgiven?”
“Yes, that’s what God’s nature is. You just need to seek the light and find the right path.”
She explains to me everything about sins and rewards in such a simple way. I never imagined I would listen to all this from her. At this moment, I feel she is holding a light for me, to guide me to the right path. I was right about her. She has something magnetic that is pulling me toward her. Perhaps it’s the light in her that I am attracted to. She looks tired and sleepy to me, so we don’t talk any more.
A Silent Prayer Page 16