by Adam Cece
Truman Trotter’s head popped back into view. ‘Look, I told you, I can’t describe it.’
Cymphany shook her head. ‘That’s okay, Mr Trotter, but you still haven’t told us who showed it to you, and was it the same person who sold you the house there? And where did they show it to you?’
Truman fidgeted anxiously, like that was a lot of questions to ask someone who was desperate to start their new life in the wonderful Near Huggabie Falls. ‘That’s three questions,’ he said. ‘Look, it was just on the street,’ he said quickly. ‘A man showed it to me, and then he sold me the last house in the third and final sale.’ He paused. ‘Actually, the man looked remarkably like that man you were with before he disappeared and that pram appeared. I think his name was Al.’
The pram let out a little squeak. ‘My other identical triplet brother?’ it said. ‘He can’t be the one behind this.’
Truman Trotter waved. ‘If you find this man, then maybe he can help you. But I’m off to my wonderful new life in Near Huggabie Falls. Goodbye.’
As Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany waved Mr Trotter off, Felonious Dark removed his disguise, and became a tall, thin, pin-stripe-suited man again.
Kipp and Tobias turned to him. ‘If your other identical triplet brother, Al Dark, is the one behind this, Mr Dark, we have to find him.’
Felonious Dark looked completely and utterly flummoxed. ‘I can’t possibly believe my other identical triplet brother could be behind all this. I mean, he has a two-letter name. Two letters! Have you ever heard of a person with a two-letter name ever doing anything significant in all of history?’
‘I think, Mr Dark,’ Kipp said, as they walked away from the departing submarine. ‘You are putting far too much importance on the length of a person’s name. As we all learnt in our last adventure, the length of a name doesn’t define a person.’
‘Even a two-letter name?’ Felonious Dark said, unconvinced.
‘Even a two-letter name,’ Cymphany said. ‘Now, Mr Dark, please tell us everything you know about your identical triplet brother, Al.’
They stopped and sat on a park bench and Felonious Dark thought about this for quite some time. ‘Actually, I’m not really sure I can tell you anything about him. I can barely tell you what he looks like.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany looked at each other. ‘But he’s your identical triplet brother,’ Tobias said. ‘You must know something about him. You did grow up in the same house, didn’t you?’
Felonious Dark rubbed his chin and concentrated. ‘I think we did.’ He didn’t sound entirely sure. ‘I do recall seeing, from time to time, a person who wasn’t me or Felonious Dark Two, but I never paid much attention to that guy. I don’t remember my parents ever mentioning him either. I can’t remember there ever being anything even remotely memorable about him.’
‘He’s convincing everyone to move to Near Huggabie Falls with an utterly indescribable thing.’ Cymphany threw up her hands. ‘That sounds pretty memorable to me, Mr Dark.’
‘It is pretty memorable,’ Felonious Dark agreed. ‘That’s why I can’t believe…’ He paused. ‘What was his name again?’
‘Al,’ Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany said, with disbelieving looks. How could it be that Felonious Dark couldn’t even remember his own identical triplet brother’s name?
Felonious Dark laughed. ‘Oh, yes. That’s right. See what I mean? He’s very forgettable. That’s why I can’t believe he could be responsible for this utterly indescribable thing. As far as I can remember, he’s never done anything interesting, ever. In fact, he’s never done anything, full stop. He wasn’t very evil either. Felonious Dark Two and I were the evil ones. I think he once did something slightly evil, he…’ Felonious Dark put his finger up and was about to say something, but then he put it down again. ‘No, no, hang on, that was me.’
Then Felonious Dark jumped, clicking his fingers. ‘Wait, wait, wait, he did one other time do something evil. There was this time he…’ Again he put his finger up to say something, and put it down again. ‘No, no, hang on, that was Felonious Dark Two. Actually’—Felonious Dark rubbed his chin—‘are we all entirely sure I do have a third identical triplet brother? Maybe I should call my mother and ask her. What was his name again?’
‘Al!’ Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany shouted together.
Felonious Dark laughed. ‘Oh, that’s right. I keep forgetting. It’s so hard to remember short names.’
Tobias sighed. ‘This is not helping us find him.’ He turned to Kipp and Cymphany. ‘We need some ideas.’
Cymphany excitedly opened her satchel and took out a notebook that had the words ‘Brainstorming Notebook’ on the cover. ‘I love a good brainstorming session,’ she said, clicking a pen.
Tobias and Kipp nodded and huddled around her. Felonious Dark nodded also but he didn’t look like much of a fan of brainstorming sessions.
Kipp and Tobias started throwing out ideas, while Cymphany scribbled them down. ‘So he’s showing the utterly indescribable thing to people.’ Tobias mused. ‘And I guess he wants to show it to as many people as possible.’
‘And as quickly as possible,’ Kipp added.
Cymphany jotted down ‘Lots of people—crowded place’ in her notebook.
‘Hey,’ Felonious Dark said, distracted by something in the distance. ‘Isn’t that…that weird girl from your class. What’s her name? What does she do again? Fix clocks or something?’
But Tobias, Kipp and Cymphany weren’t listening. They were engrossed in their brainstorming session. ‘What about festivals?’ Cymphany said. ‘Does Huggabie Falls have any coming up?’
‘Who is she talking to?’ Felonious Dark said, still distracted. ‘He looks familiar.’
‘Perhaps a major sporting event,’ Tobias suggested.
‘Or a big rock concert or something,’ Kipp said. ‘If there is one thing people in Huggabie Falls love, it’s performing rocks.’
‘Slow down,’ Cymphany said. ‘It’s great we have all these ideas, but I can’t keep up.’
‘It looks like she’s talking to me,’ Felonious Dark said, still distracted by something off in the distance. ‘Why would she be talking to me?’ He put his hands on his hips. ‘That’s not possible. Is it? I mean, I’m sitting here. Not over there.’
‘Hey,’ Tobias said, clicking his fingers. ‘I know where a lot of people go: the Huggabie Falls Magic Shop.’
‘The Magic Shop?’ Cymphany lifted her head. ‘You think we’re going to find a huge crowd of people at the Huggabie Falls Magic Shop?’
Kipp smirked. ‘Tobias, I think you’re only suggesting the Huggabie Falls Magic Shop because you want to go to the Huggabie Falls Magic Shop.’
‘I do not,’ Tobias protested, not very convincingly. ‘But please write it down in the notebook anyway.’
‘Come on, everyone, let’s think,’ Cymphany said, head down again. ‘Where would you go if you were an evil identical triplet Dark brother who wanted to show a lot of people an utterly indescribable thing. We have to think. He could be closer than we realise.’
And at that moment, realisation splashed onto Felonious Dark’s face. ‘He’s over there,’ he yelled, and he leapt to his feet. ‘My identical triplet brother! What’s his name? Dal?’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany looked up to see a man on the other side of the town square, who looked a lot like Felonious Dark, except he was wearing a checked suit and he was talking to a young girl who was wearing a silver jumpsuit with aviator goggles, pink sneakers and purple leather gloves—the sort of gloves that have the fingertips cut off.
‘Is that Lemonade Limmer?’ Tobias asked.
Lemonade Limmer, as you may remember, was a time traveller who was also in Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany’s class. ‘Talking,’ Tobias continued, ‘to, I can only assume, Al Dark!’
Cymphany nodded. ‘Either that, or silver jumpsuits and purple leather gloves are back in fashion.’ Cymphany shoved her brainstorming notebook and pen back in her satchel. ‘It must be Al Dark,
the third identical triplet brother,’ she said. ‘What is he showing Lemonade?’
And suddenly, they all took off, sprinting across the town square.
Al Dark was lifting up a brown briefcase, which had a large yellow question mark painted on it. He turned the briefcase round, clipped open its latches, and lifted its lid, inviting Lemonade to look inside.
‘Stop, Lemonade, no,’ Kipp screamed.
Lemonade Limmer looked inside the case, and even though they were still too far away to hear what she was saying, Cymphany was an expert lip reader, along with being an expert at many things, and she could see that Lemonade was saying, ‘Oh, I see what you mean. Near Huggabie Falls is such a tremendous place now, isn’t it, and real estate there is filling up by the second, you say. Oh dear, I don’t want to miss out.’
‘Lemonade, no,’ Cymphany called, but Lemonade couldn’t hear her.
Lemonade’s lips were saying, ‘Fourth and absolutely final sale, you say. And you can pull some strings and get me a house in it?’ She threw up her hands theatrically. ‘Well that’s lucky. Hand me the contract.’
‘Don’t sign anything, Lemonade,’ Tobias called. Tobias could not read lips, but he could guess what was going on.
But they seemed to be too late, because Al Dark was holding out a piece of paper, and Lemonade had taken a pen from him and was wasting no time in using it to sign the piece of paper.
Tobias frowned as they ran. ‘Has anyone ever realised how wide our town square is? It’s taking us ages to run across it.’
‘Stop…um…Jal?’ Felonious Dark shouted. And they must have gotten close enough for Al Dark and Lemonade to hear, because Al Dark’s head turned. He saw Felonious Dark racing towards him with Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany. Al snapped the case shut and glared at Lemonade Limmer. ‘You tricked me,’ he shouted.
‘I would never,’ Lemonade Limmer said, with mock offence. ‘Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany would have found you eventually. I just sped things along a bit. Better than have them trundling all over town going to festivals, and watching singing rocks, and Tobias wasting all his pocket money at that magic shop. And besides, I didn’t know they’d be here right this second. I’m not a time traveller.’ She smirked again. ‘Oh wait. Yes, I am. Sorry, it looks like I did trick you.’
Al Dark turned away from her. ‘Looks like it’s my time to make a speedy exit,’ he said. And he jumped on a tortoise and took off.
Now, you might be confused by the final sentence of the last chapter. Because you might think I mistyped, as I wrote the word tortoise. First of all, you might be thinking that tortoises are the least speedy type of getaway imaginable, as tortoises are one of the slowest creatures in existence—you’ve probably heard the famous story of the tortoise and the hare, where a tortoise once beat a hare in a race, because the hare fell asleep, or some such nonsense. From this story originated the expression, slow and steady wins the race. And this is why expressions are often quite unhelpful, because that expression only makes sense for that particular race, because in every other race in existence the fastest participant has been the winner, and in every other race in existence that fastest participant was never a tortoise, and was often a hare.
But in Huggabie Falls, where expressions are quite often taken way too literally, some poor sod thought tortoises were the fastest racers, and set up a tortoise racetrack beside the Huggabie Falls town square.
Al Dark was speeding off down the straight of this tortoise racetrack, and by speeding I mean he was moving down the track at a speed. But it was a very slow speed.
Felonious Dark tried to chase his brother on foot, but a track attendant held out a stiff arm and explained that you had to be harnessed to a tortoise at all times while on the track.
‘But my brother Val isn’t harnessed,’ Felonious Dark protested.
The attendant shook her head. ‘Sorry, he got past me when I wasn’t looking. I didn’t even notice him, and now that he’s on a tortoise there’s no catching him.’
Felonious Dark balked at this. ‘What are you talking about? Of course I can catch him. He’s only a metre away.’ It was true the tortoise had hardly moved, but the attendant was having none of it, and she made Felonious Dark put on a tortoise-racing harness.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany finally ran up to Lemonade Limmer.
‘It’s about time you three showed up,’ Lemonade said, looking at her watch, which had a picture of a ninja unicorn on it. ‘I’ve been waiting for you. Well, I wasn’t really waiting. I knew exactly when you’d get here.’
Tobias shook his head. ‘You know, one of the frustrating things about having a time traveller in your class is you always seem to know what’s going on, but you never tell us. What’s going on?’
Lemonade’s eyes twinkled. ‘I’m just doing what I can to help. It will all make sense to you, one day, and it will make a much more exciting book. I really think the author should give me some sort of special credit in the back of the book.’
Cymphany frowned. ‘Wait, book? What book? And what do you mean, it will all make sense to us one day? When?’
I’m also wondering what Lemonade means by book. Does she mean this book? And by author, does she mean me? I think I’ll just assume she is talking about some other book and some other author.
Lemonade checked her watch again. ‘Actually, it will all make sense to you in four days, nine hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty-six seconds.’
Cymphany stamped her foot. ‘Why can’t you just explain it to us now?’ she said.
But Lemonade shook her head and ran two pinched fingers across her mouth to indicate her lips were zipped. ‘Gosh, you non-time travellers sure are impatient,’ she said.
‘Come on,’ Kipp said. ‘We have to catch up to Felonious Dark. Thanks, Lemonade for helping us find Al Dark.’
‘At last,’ Lemonade said. ‘A bit of appreciation. Good luck. See you soon.’ And she smiled and began walking away, and Tobias, Kipp and Cymphany shared a concerned look, because whenever Lemonade said see you soon, it was not just a casual comment, she knew she would be seeing you again soon.
But they couldn’t think much more about that while they were in the middle of a chase. They caught up to Felonious Dark, who was busy getting his racing harness on to pursue his identical triplet brother.
‘What’s going on, Mr Dark?’ Cymphany asked, grabbing a harness herself and swinging it over her head.
‘My brother,’ Felonious Dark said, lowering a helmet onto his head. ‘What’s his name again?’
‘Al,’ Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany all said, quite annoyed at having to tell him again.
‘Yes, him,’ Felonious Dark said. ‘The utterly indescribable thing that’s convincing everyone that Near Huggabie Falls is the greatest town on Earth is in that briefcase with a question mark on it. And he’s getting away with it.’
The attendant finished buckling Felonious Dark up and doing some final safety checks. She whistled to a tortoise, who began to plod over.
‘Hurry,’ Felonious Dark screamed at the tortoise, which had the effect of making the tortoise spend the next thirty seconds doing a cavernous yawn.
As Kipp and Cymphany buckled their harnesses, Tobias leaned out to get a view down the track. ‘This is ridiculous,’ he said. ‘Al Dark is only two metres away.’
‘You’ll never catch me,’ Al Dark shouted back at them. ‘I’ve got too much of a head start.’
And so, once Kipp, Tobias, Cymphany and Felonious Dark all had their harnesses on, and the attendant had given them the half-hour safety demonstration, they each climbed onto a tortoise and the chase was on.
After another half an hour, the attendant yelled down the track after them, ‘And no getting off the tortoises while you’re on the track,’ which they didn’t have any trouble hearing, even though they’d been racing for half an hour, because at the speed the tortoises were travelling the attendant was still only two metres behind them.’
‘So,’ Cymphany said to Felonious Dark,
an hour later, as they were rounding the first bend of the track. ‘Are we all sure now, your brother Al Dark is behind this?’
‘He is,’ Felonious Dark said.
‘I am,’ said Al Dark, from three metres ahead.
‘He’s convincing everyone that Near Huggabie Falls is the greatest place on Earth, and then making them think they only have a limited amount of time to sign a contract and buy a house there,’ Cymphany explained.
‘But why?’ Kipp said. ‘And what is this thing? How could it possibly convince people so quickly, and yet be utterly indescribable?’
‘When we catch him, we can ask him,’ Felonious Dark said.
‘You can ask me now,’ Al Dark said, spinning around on his tortoise so he was sitting backwards and facing them.
Cymphany nodded. ‘Okay then, Mr Dark. Why are you convincing everyone that Near Huggabie Falls is the greatest place on Earth and then making them think they only have a limited amount of time to sign a contract and buy a house there? And what is the utterly indescribable thing you’re using to convince them?’
‘Sorry,’ Al Dark called back. ‘I can’t hear you over all the rushing wind.’
‘There’s no rushing wind,’ Cymphany snapped. ‘We’re moving at three metres an hour—max.’
‘You know,’ Tobias said. ‘I’m starting to suspect that the expression, “slow and steady wins the race” is actually not a good expression, and that the story about the tortoise beating the hare in that race that time was actually an isolated incident.’
Felonious Dark crossed his arms and gave his brother a stern look. ‘Just answer the question, Mal,’ he said. ‘Why are you doing all this?’
‘It’s not Mal,’ Al Dark shouted. ‘It’s Al. You know it’s Al.’
‘Sorry,’ Felonious Dark said, and he uncrossed his arms and put his hands up. ‘Gee, you’re a bit touchy about your name. You should think about changing it to Mal anyway, it’s got three letters in it.’