by Adam Cece
Cymphany clenched her eyes shut tight, which probably wasn’t going to do her much good, as the most terrifying thing about alligators is not what they look like, but how sharp their teeth are, and they are just as sharp whether you have your eyes shut or not.
She was swinging her arms and kicking her legs, when she noticed her bottom was on Mrs Turgan’s doorstep.
She looked at Kipp and Tobias, realising one of them must have yanked her back onto the doorstep before she fell.
‘Wow,’ she said. ‘I am not doing very well at judging the strength of things today. Looks like I owe you guys an apology. You’re much more athletic than I realised.’
Kipp laughed and patted Tobias’s shoulder. ‘Great catch, Tobias.’
Tobias stopped and gawked at Kipp. ‘What are you talking about? I thought you caught her.’
Cymphany looked back and forth between them. ‘Well, if you guys didn’t catch me, who did?’
They turned around and saw that Mrs Turgan’s front door, which had been locked a second ago, was now open, and someone, or I should say something, was standing on the door step. It was this something that had just grabbed Cymphany, and probably saved her life.
The creature looked at them with super-cute, big bright eyes.
‘Hello,’ it said. ‘Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany looked at each other as if to say, okay, who’s going to be the one who says what we’re all thinking?
‘Are you,’ Cymphany said, because in case you haven’t worked it out yet, Cymphany is always the one who steps up and says what everyone else is thinking. ‘Are you a goat?’
‘Ah,’ the goat said. ‘You’re one of those observant types.’
‘But,’ Tobias butted in. ‘You can talk.’
‘Woah,’ the goat said. ‘Two out of two. You kids are on fire.’
‘But,’ Kipp said. ‘You’re super cute. Goats aren’t usually cute. Usually they just eat everything.’
The goat’s super-cute big bright eyes narrowed. ‘I resent that. Goats can be cute. We’re often misunderstood.’
Cymphany cleared her throat. ‘You do realise you’re eating my shoe right now.’
The super-cute goat stopped chewing. ‘I’m deeply sorry about that,’ it said, with the most adorably apologetic face. But then, contrary to what it had just said, it kept chewing.
‘Hey,’ Cymphany said. She prised her goat-saliva-covered shoe from the super-cute goat’s mouth.
‘By the way,’ the super-cute goat said, ‘the rope only snapped because those carnivorous vines up there were chomping on it. If you knew what the word carnivorous means, then you’d have known that it wouldn’t be a good idea to swing across in front of them.’
‘I know what the word carnivorous means,’ said Cymphany, who always enjoyed telling people she knew what things meant. ‘But I’m quite sure rope is not made of meat.’ But then she stopped talking and shivered, realising how close she had come to being eating by alligators or carnivorous plants. Mrs Turgan’s place was already even worse than the worst place imaginable, and they hadn’t even been inside yet.
‘I say again, won’t you come in?’ the super-cute goat asked, and it turned and trotted down the hall on its teeny tiny cute goat hooves.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany glanced at each other, concerned that this might be some sort of elaborate trap. But considering their previous best plans had involved swinging through carnivorous vines they hadn’t even seen over an alligator-filled moat, even if this was a trap it was still their best option at this point.
If they had been surprised to see a super-cute talking goat answer Mrs Turgan’s door, it was nothing compared to how surprised they were when they followed the super-cute goat inside. Mrs Turgan’s house was full of pretty floral-patterned furniture, ‘home sweet home’ signs and frilly doilies on tiny tables, and colourful ceramic ornaments. By the time they had followed the little trotting super-cute goat into the kitchen, Tobias was thoroughly confused.
‘We are in the right place, aren’t we, goat?’ Tobias said. ‘This is Mrs Turgan’s house. Mrs Turgan, the witch?’
‘Of course you’re in the right place,’ said the super-cute goat, swishing the super-cute tuft of hair on its head. ‘And my name is not goat. It’s Copernicus.’
‘Cool,’ said Cymphany. ‘You’re named after the famous Polish astronomer, Nicolaus Copernicus.’
‘Certainly not,’ said Copernicus with a charming pout. ‘I’m not named after him at all. I am the famous Polish astronomer, Nicolaus Copernicus.’
‘But…’ Cymphany wasn’t quite sure what to say now. ‘But he died in 1543, that’s almost five hundred years ago.’
‘Well, you sound very sure,’ said Copernicus, one hoof on his hip. ‘A little more sure than someone should sound when they are standing in a witch’s kitchen talking to him. And I am not just an astronomer, I am also a mathematician, a lawyer, a scholar of the classics, a physician, a translator, an inventor, a governor, a diplomat, and an economist. And, I don’t want to brag, but I am also a very handy basketweaver.’
‘And a bit of a show off,’ Tobias whispered to Kipp.
‘I heard that,’ Copernicus said sharply. ‘I am also famous for formulating a model of the universe that declared the sun, not the Earth, is at the centre.’
‘You do realise that’s incorrect, don’t you?’ Cymphany said. ‘The sun is merely a star at the centre of our solar system.’
Copernicus frowned. ‘I know that now,’ he snapped. ‘But at the time my astronomical observations changed the world and increased our understanding of the universe and our place in it by light years. But I’ve since abandoned that hypothesis, because I now know that Huggabie Falls is the centre of the universe.’
‘No, it isn’t,’ Cymphany said.
‘Oh, isn’t it?’ Copernicus raised two finely styled super-cute bushy goat eyebrows. ‘A place, the only place, where the impossible is possible, where everything exists, including magic, a place where even other dimensions intersect.’ He shrugged. ‘Anyway, it’s just a theory I’m working on, in between weaving ridiculously awesome baskets. I’ve got some for sale over there, if you’re interested.’
‘Okay,’ said Cymphany slowly and carefully, glancing at the baskets, which were, to be fair, spectacular. ‘But that still doesn’t explain how the famous Polish astronomer Copernicus ends up as a talking super-cute goat, standing in Mrs Turgan’s kitchen.’
‘It’s not that interesting a story,’ said Copernicus.
‘I very much doubt that,’ Kipp said.
Copernicus laughed. ‘Remind me to tell you about it one day.’ And then he began serving them tea, in pretty tea cups.
Just as they took the first sip, Felonious Dark fell through the kitchen window, bounced off the sink, and landed flat on his face on the kitchen floor. A few seconds later a teapot toppled off the kitchen bench and landed in the middle of Felonious Dark’s back, soaking him in hot black tea.
‘It’s okay, everyone,’ Copernicus said, flashing a perfect smile. ‘The teapot didn’t break.’
Felonious Dark looked quite annoyed to find Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany sitting there holding cups of tea. ‘Well, I hope you’re all having a wonderful little tea party,’ he said. ‘Do you realise what I’ve had to go through to get in here?’ Then he noticed the super-cute goat. ‘Wow, that is one super-cute goat.’
It’s hard for super-cute goats to blush, but Copernicus managed it, and it was a very cute blush. He swished his hoof. ‘Oh, I’m not that cute, but’—he took a sip of his tea—‘I could probably out-cute anyone around here.’
Felonious Dark was not impressed. ‘Well, while you’ve been in here having a wow of a time with a super-cute goat, I just had to crawl through a forest of electrified thorn bushes, which is actually even worse than it sounds, and don’t even get me started on the—’
He stopped suddenly, and his eyes fixed on a tiny ceramic statue of a pig wear
ing a straw hat, sitting on a tree stump and fishing. And then his eyes swept the rest of the room. ‘Wait a second. This place looks like my grandmother’s house.’
‘No. It’s Mrs Turgan’s house,’ Tobias said.
‘Wait a moment,’ said Copernicus, staring at Felonious Dark. ‘You look exactly like the man who is renting the room upstairs.’
They all turned and looked at Copernicus. ‘That must be Mr Dark’s identical triplet brother,’ Kipp said. ‘Al Dark.’
Felonious Dark looked confused. ‘I thought his name was Tal,’ he said.
Copernicus shook his silky-haired goat head. ‘He is a strange individual that one. I might have thought the sun was the centre of the universe, but he thinks he is the centre of the universe. He’s obsessed with people remembering him all the time. Always goes on about how his mother wouldn’t even notice him if he suddenly turned into an elephant, and being forgotten on some holiday, and I think he hates postcards and cats for some strange reason.’
‘He’s responsible for the utterly indescribable thing that’s happening in Huggabie Falls,’ Cymphany said. ‘It’s making everyone think Near Huggabie Falls is a better place to live than Huggabie Falls. We have to stop him.’
‘Hmmm…’ Copernicus said. ‘He moved in here about a month ago. He answered Tertunia’s advertisement for a boarder. Usually people don’t answer Tertunia’s advertisements for new boarders, because they are a little squeamish about being turned into cabbages. But it’s actually a very nice place to live, and, as a bonus you get to live with a super-cute goat who speaks seven languages, including hip-hop.’
Cymphany rolled her eyes. ‘A super-modest goat,’ she said.
‘Oh, yes,’ said Copernicus, ‘I’m also very, very modest. I may be the most modest goat that ever lived.’
Cymphany blinked. ‘Have you ever heard of sarcasm?’
Copernicus pondered this, with the most super-cute pondering expression on his face. ‘I have, but I hardly see how it’s relevant in this situation.’
Felonious Dark put up his hands. ‘Look, my brother is doing things that are far too interesting for someone as boring as him to be doing. So I’m going up to talk to him, brother-to-far-less-interesting-brother. You children stay here.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany tried to argue, but Felonious Dark wouldn’t hear of it. ‘I can deal with my brother,’ Felonious Dark assured them with a determined nod. ‘I know Val better than anyone does.’
Felonious Dark made his way confidently up the stairs, leaving Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany watching him. When they turned back to Copernicus, he was munching again.
‘Are you eating one of Mrs Turgan’s unwelcome mats?’ Kipp winced.
Copernicus made loud cracking noises as he munched. He nodded. ‘They’re yummy.’
‘Do you realise they are made out of toenail clippings?’ Cymphany said.
Copernicus stopped chewing, but only for a millisecond. Then he shrugged and continued munching. ‘That explains why I always get little bits stuck in my teeth,’ he mumbled.
Tobias was still gazing around at Mrs Turgan’s house. ‘I still can’t believe this is scary old Turgan’s house.’
Copernicus nodded, picking bits of toenail clipping out of his teeth with a toothpick. Later on Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany would wonder how a goat, with hooves, even super-cute ones, managed to hold a toothpick, but at the time they didn’t think it was odd.
‘Mrs Turgan,’ Copernicus explained, ‘doesn’t like people to know her house is cute and cosy. It would ruin her reputation. She would be furious if she knew you’d been here. She would turn you into the most horrible things. You would never be the same again. Wait…’ Copernicus turned his head and one darling little ear pricked up. ‘Is that her now?’
You’ve never seen three children leap out of their seats faster than Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany did just then. ‘What? Where?’ they yelped.
‘I’m just joking.’ Copernicus swished his hoof. ‘Man, you kids are jumpy.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany glared at Copernicus as they slowly sat back down, but their bums had hardly touched their seats when Felonious Dark came down the stairs and everyone jumped straight back up again.
Felonious Dark wasn’t saying anything, which made Cymphany concerned. ‘Mr Dark, are you okay?’
‘What happened up there?’ Kipp jumped in. ‘Did you see your brother?’
They saw now that Felonious Dark’s face was full of excitement, which had to be a good sign. ‘It’s all fine,’ he said, and Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany took a collective breath of relief. ‘I saw Pal,’ Felonious Dark continued. ‘And he showed me the utterly indescribable thing and…’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany leant forward slightly. Even Copernicus stopped chewing for a moment.
‘What?’ Cymphany said, when they couldn’t take the anticipation any longer.
Felonious Dark giggled. ‘Oh, I can’t keep it a secret any longer. Near Huggabie Falls is the greatest town on Earth. And I’ve just bought a house there.’
‘What?’ Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany all said at once.
Copernicus continued chewing.
‘I know,’ said Felonious Dark, not seeming to notice that the looks on their faces were ones of shock, not excitement. ‘A limited time only, fifth-and-final-very-last-chance-no-more-houses-available-after-this-sale sale just opened up, and sold out immediately, but Qual was able to secure me one last one, if I moved to Near Huggabie Falls immediately. I mean, how lucky is that?’
‘Very lucky,’ said Cymphany, with the least sincerity ever contained in two words.
Felonious Dark shook his head and laughed. ‘All this time we’ve been wanting to stop Ial convincing everyone to move to Near Huggabie Falls, when what we should have been doing is moving to Near Huggabie Falls immediately. Because of all the time we wasted, I nearly missed out. In fact, I have to go right now. I can’t waste another moment.’
‘Wait,’ Cymphany said. ‘Mr Dark. What is this utterly indescribable thing that made you so crazy? You can’t move to Near Huggabie Falls.’
‘I’m sorry, children,’ he said, as he headed for the front door. ‘The thing is really very hard to describe. I’d say it’s very…’ he swished his hands about, like he was trying to find the right word. ‘I would say the best word to describe it is…is… is…I’m sorry, it’s utterly indescribable.’
And then he opened the front door, leapt over the alligator moat, and ran through Mrs Turgan’s front yard, past a sign that read:
‘Mr Dark,’ Kipp shouted after him, but Felonious Dark had long spindly legs, which meant he could run fast, and he was already halfway down the street. Cymphany was about to call out too, but she didn’t get a chance, because right then they all heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
‘It’s him.’ Copernicus shivered, taking a loud bite out of the saucer his tea cup had been sitting on only moments ago.
‘We’d better get out of here,’ Cymphany said. ‘Whatever this utterly indescribable thing is, Felonious Dark didn’t stand a chance against it. We could be the next ones convinced that moving to Near Huggabie Falls is a great idea, and buying a house in the next final sale, because I’m starting to suspect that when Al Dark says it’s the final sale, he’s not being entirely truthful.’
Tobias nodded vigorously. ‘In situations like these, my vote is for running away.’
Kipp nodded too. ‘I don’t want to go. We have to stop this utterly indescribable thing, but I don’t want to be here when Al Dark comes down those stairs.’
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany dashed through the house to the back door. They were about to reach for the handle, when it twisted all on its own and the door swung open.
A dark figure blocked the light.
It was Mrs Turgan. And she did not look happy.
‘Children,’ she screeched. ‘In my house. Copernicus!’
Behind them, Copernicus gulped, but it was hard to tell if he was gulping because he was scared he w
as going to get into trouble or because he had finished chewing a mouthful of lampshade. Either way it was a super-cute gulp, the sort of gulp that could be featured on a television ad.
Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany ran back into the house and skidded to a stop. They could hear Mrs Turgan saying, ‘Where is my wand? Copernicus, you’d better not have eaten it.’ But it wasn’t this that had made them skid to a stop, it was the man in front of them. He had the same long spindly body, tight suit and pointy face as Felonious Dark, and he was holding the small case with a question mark symbol on it.
‘Hello, children,’ Al Dark sneered. ‘How nice to see you again. I’ve got something I’d like to show you. It’s such a shame you have been missing out on all the fun.’
He flicked the latches on the small case, and swivelled it around, the way people often do when they are about to flip open a case and reveal what’s inside. ‘Wait till you see this.’ Al Dark’s lips formed a thin toothy smile. ‘I would describe it to you, but it’s really quite impossible to describe. I’m just going to have to show it to you.’
Kipp threw his arm out to protect his friends. ‘We don’t want to see what’s in that case,’ he said.
‘No, we don’t,’ said Cymphany.
‘Actually,’ said Tobias. ‘As dangerous as this thing is, I’m starting to get really curious. I mean how can something be utterly indescribable?’
‘Tobias,’ Kipp and Cymphany screeched in unison.
‘Sorry,’ Tobias said, thinking of the expression ‘curiosity killed the cat’, and realising that in this scenario they were probably the cat.
But even though Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany all agreed now that running was the very best option, despite how curious anyone might be about what was in that question-mark case, they didn’t have anywhere to run to. Because as the children turned away from the case to avoid seeing what was in it, they saw Mrs Turgan reach into her robes.
‘Oh,’ she cackled. ‘Silly me, I was looking in the wrong pocket. Here it is.’ And, to Kipp, Tobias and Cymphany’s dismay, she whipped out her wand.