by J. Sterling
“Still doesn’t mean it’s yours. Just calm down and think this through. Don’t do anything rash,” I warned him, hoping to talk some sense into him. But Jack’s head was a mess, and I didn’t think there was any more room in there for me and my logical suggestions.
“I have to go. I have to call Cassie before I lose my fucking nerve.” He exhaled into the phone. “I can’t believe I have to do this, that I’m about to lose this girl. Can a man live without a heart, little brother? ’Cause we’re about to find out.”
The call ended before I had a chance to respond. My head spinning, I stayed seated in my car, wondering what the hell I should do. I considered texting Melissa or driving straight there, but maybe I would be the last person Cassie wanted to see after getting that phone call. It made me sick for her, and for Jack.
I couldn’t go inside just yet, needing time to pull myself together. Gran and Gramps would eventually find out what Jack had done, but the news couldn’t come from me; it wasn’t mine to tell. So I just sat in the car with my thoughts spinning, taking deep breaths to slow my heart rate and calm the hell down.
I wasn’t sure how much time had passed until my phone rang again, waking me up from my self-imposed daze. I assumed it was Jack, but I was wrong.
It was Melissa. Damn. This was one call I definitely didn’t want to take.
My voice was small and tentative as I answered. “Hi?”
“Jesus Christ, Dean! Did you know? Did you?” she yelled, her voice extremely loud for someone so small.
“I just found out,” I said, only referring to the pregnancy part, but I wasn’t going to tell Melissa that.
“I can’t believe this. How could your brother be so stupid?” she shrieked.
“I don’t know, okay? He was drunk.” I didn’t mean to sound like I was defending him, but she apparently took it that way.
“That isn’t an excuse! Being drunk doesn’t make it okay; it just makes you an idiot.”
“I know that. Nothing about this situation is okay, but why the hell are you yelling at me? I didn’t do it!” I shouted back.
She sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. When she spoke again, her voice was calmer. “Cassie’s devastated, Dean. I’ve never seen her like this.”
My heart dropped. “What’s she doing? Do you need me to come over?”
“No. I made her turn off her phone and go to bed.”
“You made her go to bed?” I asked with a slight laugh, and not because I found it funny.
“Yes, I made her go to bed. The last thing she needs to do is keep puking her guts out. Her heart’s broken. She’s wrung out and needs sleep.”
Oh hell. Knowing that Cassie was throwing up made me feel even worse. Of course she wasn’t sick; it was simply the devastation that made her whole world turn upside down, including her guts. Literally.
“I feel awful,” I admitted.
“Me too,” she said softly. “How could he do this to her? I thought he really loved her.”
“He does really love her. You have no idea how broken up he is over this. I’ve never in my life heard him as distraught as I did today. If he could turn back time, he would. He’d do anything if he could take it back.”
“But he can’t because he’s ruined everything.”
I sighed. “He knows. Trust me, he knows.”
“This is exactly why you and I weren’t a good idea.”
What the hell? The one time I wasn’t even thinking about me and this girl, she had to bring us up.
“What do you mean exactly?” I demanded, hating the defensive tone in my voice. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Nothing. I gotta go,” Melissa said, and disconnected the call.
I slid my phone in my pocket, wondering if I’d ever understand this girl.
And how on earth were we all going to get through this?
And Then Worse Again
Jack called me bright and early the next morning. He sounded like complete shit.
“I told her last night, little brother. I love her so fucking much. I can’t believe I did this. How did I screw us up this bad?”
“I don’t know,” I said, not knowing what else to tell him.
“Did she call you? Have you talked to her?”
“She didn’t call me. But Melissa did.”
“I bet she was pissed.”
“She was pissed, all right. Said Cassie was sick over it. Melissa made her go to bed.”
Jack stayed silent for a long while before speaking again. “I know you have to go to school, but will you please call me tonight and tell me how she is when you see her? I fucking hate that you get to see her and I don’t.” The desperation in his voice was gut wrenching.
“I will.”
“Thanks.”
And he was gone.
I called Jack later that night to tell him that I hadn’t seen Cassie that day. It was the truth. Actually, I had seen her from the other side of campus, but I figured the last thing she needed was me drawing attention to her, so instead of shouting her name like I’d usually do, I left her alone.
He hounded me for days after that, asking how she was, how she looked, and if she’d mentioned him. And when I did finally run into her, I was stunned. She looked like a person who had lost everything—her face was pale, her eyes sad. It fucking hurt to look at her, and I was thankful Jack couldn’t see her like this.
On the latest nightly call, Jack interrupted me as I was in my room, trying to study. He started out with the usual questions and I tried to avoid telling him specifics, pretending that I still hadn’t seen her, but he called me out on my bullshit and insisted that I had to have seen her by now.
“You’re not going to like it,” I said, trying to warn him, hoping he’d back off.
“Tell me. How is she? How does she look? She’s not responding to any of my texts.”
“Wait. You’re texting her?” I asked, surprised when I probably should have been anything but.
“I just want her to know how sorry I am, and how much I love her. And how fucking lost I am without her.”
“Jesus, Jack. You can’t do that to her.” I flopped down on my bed, wanting to strangle my brother. How could he be so insensitive?
“Do what?”
“You think those kinds of texts are helping? No wonder she looks like a damn zombie. She can’t get past this if you don’t let her. You can’t keep saying things like that to her if you’re not coming home to fix it.”
“What do you want me to do?” he shouted. “You want me to just go away and pretend we never existed?”
“No. But I want you to stop being selfish and texting her because it makes you feel better. It’s mean, Jack,” I said, hoping he’d see my point of view. If he didn’t plan on coming home to fight for her, then he needed to let her go.
“I just want her to know how sorry I am, and that I’d do anything if I could make this right,” he said, his voice cracking.
“She knows. Deep down, she knows all of that already. You don’t have to keep reminding her.”
“You’re right. I’ll stop.” His voice was hesitant, and I imagined his face all pinched with pain. “I’ll stop.”
“I’ll call you if anything changes,” I told him.
“Thanks. You haven’t said anything to Gran, have you?” he asked, and I felt my back stiffen.
“No, but you’ve gotta tell her too. She knows something’s up, but she’s just stopped asking me at this point.”
“I will,” he said, but I wasn’t reassured.
“Soon?” Hopefully I wouldn’t have to keep this lie to myself for much longer.
“Soon.”
“And Marc and Ryan too?” I asked, wanting to be sure all the bases were covered. All the people Jack trusted in his life needed to be involved in this. “But I’m sure they’ll tell you the same thing I did. To freaking make sure it’s actually yours before you do anything crazy like stay there forever.”
“I know
it’s mine. She brought over all these charts with timelines and dates on them and shit. She has prescriptions and all this paperwork. It looks legit.”
I breathed out in frustration. “I’m not saying that she isn’t really pregnant, Jack. I’m just saying to make sure it’s yours, is all.”
“I already told you I’m staying here,” he said, sounding agitated. “I want to be a part of my kid’s life, Dean, and this is the only way.”
I bit back the things I really wanted to say. I wanted to scream and curse at Jack, to smack him upside the head and try to beat some sense into him, but it was useless.
“You’re stupid and stubborn. I’ll just talk to you later. Call Gran soon, or else I’m going to tell her myself,” I threatened before hanging up. It was an empty threat and he knew it, but it still felt good to say.
I sat motionless on my bed, processing everything Jack had said about Cassie. The fact that he’d been texting her blew my mind. For a moment I considered reaching out to Melissa, but wasn’t sure what the hell to say. How could anything I did or said make a bit of difference? This was all new territory for me, and all I knew was how awful all of us felt because of it.
Frustrated, I tossed my phone on my bedside table and hoped like hell that Jack would call Gran and Gramps soon. I needed to be able to talk to someone else about this. Someone who wouldn’t want to cut off Jack’s balls and hang them from a rearview mirror; someone who would be more concerned with the decisions he was making for his future than for what he’d done to Cassie.
It was a brutal truth, but it was true all the same. When it came down to who I cared about more, my ball was in my brother’s court.
• • •
When I saw Cassie at school the next day, I noticed that she seemed to be stuck in Heartbreak Central; her hair was a mess and her eyes were swollen and red. She didn’t look better than the last time I’d seen her. In fact, she might actually have looked worse.
Worry for her prompted me to fire off a quick text to my brother.
Dean: You’re not still texting her, are you?
Jack: No. You told me not to. Why?
Dean: No reason. She just looks really sad, and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t because of anything you were saying or doing.
Jack: She looks sad?
Dean: She always looks sad.
Jack: Fuck. Don’t tell me any more. I can’t take it. My heart literally can’t take hearing that. It hurts so fucking bad. I hate what I’ve done.
I stared at his words for a moment. I had nothing to say in return that hadn’t already been said, so I didn’t say anything. As long as Gran and Gramps didn’t know about Jack, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, waiting for the big explosion that was bound to happen.
• • •
Sitting at the computer at the sports agency the next afternoon, I was looking up clips about local ball players around the state when my cell phone vibrated. Normally I would ignore any calls I got while at work, but it was Jack.
“Can I answer my phone if it’s Jack?” I asked Marc, who was busy going over some legal contracts.
“Of course. Tell that dickhead we said hello,” he said with a laugh.
“I’m at work. What’s up?” I said when I picked up.
“Ah. At Marc and Ryan’s?”
“Yeah. Everything okay?”
“Well, I just wanted to let you know that I’ve asked Chrystle to marry me.”
“You what?” I shouted as I shoved my chair out from under me and stood up. Marc looked up and squinted at me in confusion as I mouthed Get over here! to him, my eyes wide. “You are not marrying this girl!” I held the phone away from my ear a little so Marc could hear the conversation when he rushed to my side. “You don’t even know if the damn baby is yours, Jack!”
“I know, but she said after it’s born we can get a DNA test. She has no issues or problems with that. Hell, she keeps encouraging it. Tell me why she’d act like that if she didn’t think the baby was mine?”
I ran a hand through my hair. “I don’t know. I have no idea,” I said. And I didn’t.
“It’s the right thing to do. You understand that, right? We came from a broken family, and then we had no family. I don’t want my kid to grow up in a broken home. I want him to have everything we never did. I want him to have a mom and a dad who live together and are there for him.”
Sick of hearing Jack’s rationalizations, I shoved the phone at Marc and told him to talk some sense into his client.
“Hey, Jack, it’s Marc. What’s going on? I thought you had that hot little girlfriend here in town?” Marc’s tone was light, but it was about to be anything but as Jack talked his ear off, filling him in.
I watched as Marc’s expression shifted. First, his jaw dropped as he listened, and then he clenched his teeth as he paced the office with the phone to his ear.
A sick feeling of relief came over me then, which was totally selfish. Finally, I wasn’t alone in this mess with Jack, and had someone else who could share the burden of worry.
“No, Jack. No,” Marc insisted. “That’s not a good idea. You don’t even know if this baby is yours, and you definitely shouldn’t marry her without proof. This kind of thing happens all the time. Girls try to trap professional athletes every day—”
He paused to listen. “I understand that, but—”
When Jack interrupted him again, he sucked in a deep breath. “I get what you’re saying, but—”
This time, it sounded like it was Marc who did the interrupting. His expression was furious as he said, “Jack, this isn’t a good idea. As your agent, I would strongly oppose you doing anything of that nature until after the baby is born and we have proof.”
Shaking his head, Marc handed my cell back to me. “He won’t listen,” he said before stalking back into his office.
I put the phone back to my ear. “Jack?”
“I’m here. Don’t do that shit again. This isn’t anyone’s decision but mine, and I’ve made up my mind. I’ve been thinking about this for some time now, and it’s the only thing that makes sense. It’s the best option.”
“No. I don’t see how you’re coming to that conclusion at all.” I wanted to rip every piece of hair from my head one strand at a time. I was convinced it would be less painful than trying to make sense of my brother’s twisted logic.
“Little brother, listen to me,” he said, and I stopped talking. “I was only calling because I wanted to ask you to be my best man. I need you.” When I said nothing, just closed my eyes as I tried to stop the whirlwind spinning around me, he said, “Dean?”
I sighed. “Of course, man. Of course I will.”
How could I not be there for Jack? He was my brother, and I’d do anything for him. Even if it meant going to a wedding I didn’t agree with, and watching him ruin his life.
“Thanks. Means a lot. The wedding’s soon.”
“How soon?”
Great. Something else I could add to the list of things I couldn’t believe were happening. It felt like I was living in an alternate universe these days, making me wish like hell I could find a wormhole.
Jack sighed. “I’ll let you know.”
“You’ve got to call Gran, Jack. Please. I can’t keep lying to them.”
“I know. I’m going to call her right now and tell her everything.”
Finally. I breathed out a long sigh of relief for what felt like the first time in weeks.
“Good. Thank you for that. Are you going to tell Cassie?”
“Eventually,” he said, his tone clipped.
“You’re going to be the death of that poor girl.” And me, I added silently as I imagined how much more crushed she would be after hearing this.
“Well, I’m already dead inside, so . . .”
I waited for him to finish his sentence, but he never did. We were silent for a moment, neither one of us saying anything until Jack finally said he’d better go call Gran. I couldn’t end the call fast enough, I w
as so desperate for him to fill them in.
When I put down the phone, I looked up to see Marc leaning against his doorjamb, watching me with a worried look on his face.
“Marc, how do I stop him?”
He shook his head sadly. “I don’t know, but if we can’t, we have to at least get him to sign a pre-nup. We have to protect him when he isn’t protecting himself.”
“Agreed. Okay.”
“Dean, go home. Your grandparents are going to need you after that phone call. I’ll try to figure some things out on my end.”
“You sure?”
“Of course. Go.”
“Thanks a lot.” I shut down the computer and gathered my things before heading home, toward God only knew what.
• • •
I walked through the front door, anxious and filled with dread, not sure what scene I’d find inside.
As soon as the door slammed shut, Gran shouted, “Dean?”
Damn. She sounded upset, which she had every right to be.
“Yeah. I’ll be right in.” I trudged toward the kitchen like I was headed for my own execution, feeling as guilty as if I were the one who’d done something wrong.
Her face was pale as she looked up at me from the kitchen table where she sat with Gramps. “We just talked with your brother. How are you taking it all?”
That’s her first question? “I’m a wreck, Gran. I don’t want him to do any of this, but he won’t listen.”
She clucked her tongue. “He wouldn’t listen to me either. He’s very adamant about everything.” She looked at Gramps, who was uncharacteristically quiet and serious.
“Jack wouldn’t listen to Marc today either. He called me when I was at work and I put Marc on the phone, but he’s so stubborn.”
She nodded. “That he is. Always has been. No one makes decisions for Jack except Jack. I just wish we could get him to see this differently.”
“You and me both.”
“Is this why you’ve been acting so odd lately?”
When she tilted her head to the side, studying me, I felt horrible. I stepped over to give her a hug, and she kissed my cheek.
“I’m sorry, Gran, but Jack told me the girl was pregnant a while ago. And then he told Cassie. Since then, everything’s gone to hell in a hand basket.”