A Little Bit of Everything Lost

by Stephanie Elliot

  How could he not be excited at the prospect of bringing a new life into the world together? How could he not care that Jeremy and Trey would soon have a sibling? But he was not happy. She feared she had completely ruined a relationship that was already tinkering on the edge of imperfection by trying to make it what it wasn’t. She had been deceptive, and she knew she had crushed Stuart.

  **

  Stuart returned home from his shift unexpectedly on Wednesday during dinner rather than Thursday, and entered the kitchen, looking tired and withdrawn from a day of flying. The boys scrambled from the table to jump into his arms. Marnie stood timidly at the refrigerator, surprised that he was home a day early.

  “Hey guys!” Stuart took turns ruffling each boy’s hair, then lifting them up and flipping them upside-down.

  “Mommy’s making breakfast for dinner!” Trey yelled.

  “Great, buddy,” Stuart said, and gave Marnie a half-smile.

  “Are you hungry?” Marnie asked, choking on the words.

  “Nah, not really. Actually, I’m in early because I’m taking an extra shift this weekend. They asked, and I’m taking it. I’ll be back next Thursday, so we can talk then.”

  Marnie nodded, stunned.

  “We both need time to think anyway, don’t you?”

  The boys moved back to the table and were now devouring pancakes slathered in syrup. “What are we thinking about?” Jeremy asked. “Are we thinking about the kind of dog we’re going to get, because I think I want a brown and white one.”

  “Black one!” Trey mumbled through pancake bites. “I want a black puppy!”

  “All right then.” Stuart took a deep breath. “So, I guess I could use a shower. It’s been a long few days of flying. And boys, I’d love to tuck you in and then I’ve got to hit the sack myself. I’ve got to get to the airport at four-thirty tomorrow morning.”

  “That’s so early Dad!” Jeremy said.

  “Airplanes don’t sleep.”

  “Aw, Dad, you always say that!” Trey laughed.

  “I’ll be upstairs. You guys come on up when you’re ready for books and a tuck-in, okay?”

  He kissed each boy on their forehead, hesitated for a moment, and moved toward Marnie.

  “How are you feeling?” he whispered to her.

  Her eyes welled up and she couldn’t speak so she nodded quickly. Stuart gifted her with a kiss on her forehead and then went upstairs.

  After Marnie had cleaned the kitchen and locked up the house, she went upstairs and saw that both boys had been tucked into bed and that Stuart was in bed as well, already asleep. In the morning he left her a note that said:

  Marnie,

  Please, do some soul searching while I’m away. About what this all means to you. Why you thought this was a good idea for you not to share this pregnancy with me. Why it was so important that you keep this from me for so long.

  Stuart

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  October 1988

  At night, in her college dorm twin bed, she felt the flatness of her stomach, but it hurt her to touch herself, to know that there was a baby inside, a baby brought on by stupidity and lust, and she began to hate herself, and even more so, she began to hate Joe for doing this to her, for not knowing about it, for not knowing he had put this baby inside of her, all because of stupid, stupid summertime lust. And now, this was happening.

  And he didn’t even know it.

  She imagined him at school, at his fraternity, drinking with his frat brothers. Perhaps he mentioned to them about a girl he met over the summer, about the stuff they did together, laughing it up as he recalled the tale of the lemon, how he made her scream and come over and over again, drenching her in the fruit’s juice. She imagined them all laughing about it, about a girl being so stupid, so quick to open herself to him the way she had. She let him see the most vulnerable side of her, a side she had never shared with anyone. And now, because of her vulnerability, she was pregnant.

  She skipped classes, dodging a concerned call from her photography professor, and then Marnie decided to go home the week after she took the pregnancy test.

  When she showed up at home, Marnie told her parents she had mono, and her parents believed her. Marnie brought all her assignments with and told her parents she spoke to her professors. When her mother suggested she go to their family physician, Marnie assured them she’d already been to the school’s health center, and all she could do for mono was rest.

  She slept and tried to seek the comfort that was once there, in her home, but she couldn’t escape Joe. They had spent hours together in her bed, and most likely, this was where she conceived. Her sheets still smelled of him. Everything about her room reminded her of him. She could almost feel him there with her. She couldn’t find the comfort she was so desperately in search of. She couldn’t stop thinking about him, and about the events that had led to a pregnancy. One that was too far along to terminate, she was sure.

  She lay in bed, pretending to sleep whenever she heard the doorknob turn. Her mother would come in, feel her forehead, and then return with a cool cloth. Marnie wanted to tell her mom, but knew saying the words would make it real, and a decision would have to be made. She knew it was incredibly stupid to spend day after day doing nothing in the hopes it wasn’t true, and hadn’t she already been stupid enough to last her the rest of her life? Still, she denied anything was wrong save a severe case of mononucleosis.

  Marnie was tricking herself into delirium, convincing herself she really was just sick. She couldn’t eat anything but crackers and sometimes the bowl of chicken soup her mom forced upon her. When she was awake, her thoughts ran circles nonstop, and the ‘what ifs’ tumbled through her mind. She even imagined being face-to-face with Joe again:

  “I’m pregnant,” she would tell him, agonizing over the words.

  A smile would spread along his lips. “Let’s have it.”

  She imagined he would say this because when they were together, he was always the one to take control, to make the decisions. She did know that much about him. She dreamed he would open his arms to her, and she would fall into him, safe and secure once again.

  “Look, I love you. I think we could make this work. Let’s have the baby, and we’ll see how it goes.”

  And everything would be okay. Perfect even. The whole scenario made so much sense, and after thinking about it, she decided she would have to call his house. She was sure there must be a logical reason he hadn’t gotten in touch with her, and she knew once she spoke with him, once they saw one another again, she knew Joe would make the decision for them, would make the decision she wanted him to make.

  This thought finally enabled Marnie some much-needed sleep.

  And then, in the middle of the night, Marnie woke with a start, and tried to shake away thoughts of what she knew he would really say if she told him she was pregnant.

  “You have to get rid of it.”

  Marnie knew she would do whatever he wanted her to do.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  The Pregnancy – March 2004

  The boys jabbed at each other, Trey kicking the back of the driver’s seat while Marnie concentrated on the road, which was black and slick with rain. She shouldn’t have been out in such bad weather but she had been stuck in the house all winter long, so she had taken the boys out to Red Robin, for burgers and bottomless fries. Stuart was flying over God only knew what cities. Or rather, at this point in the evening, he was probably relaxing in a four-star hotel room after having a fabulous dinner, maybe a filet and steamed asparagus, with Hollandaise sauce. Marnie couldn’t remember the last time she ate a good meal. Bottomless fries now sank heavily in the pit of her stomach thanks to Red Robin.

  Ugh.

  Marnie shouldn’t begrudge him. She knew if given the choice, he’d rather be right here in this car with his family. Or maybe not, not after the way things had been.

  “I’m better at Gargoyle Hunt!” Trey yelled, still kicking the back of the dri
ver’s seat. Marnie cringed.

  “Yeah, right. Whatever,” Jeremy replied.

  “Mom, Jeremy just stuck his middle finger up in the air!”

  “Jeremy Matthew!” Marnie yelled, momentarily taking her eyes from the road to shoot Jeremy a look. “When we get home… ”

  When we get home, what? She’d do exactly what she always did. Give them a shower, put them to bed, throw in a load of laundry, go over the proofs from her last photo shoot and schedule the next appointments. Oh, and think for two minutes that yes, she’s pregnant, her husband is furious about it and hasn’t spoken one word about it to her and she has no idea what the future holds for any of them.

  “I know the middle finger means you hate God!” Trey continued. “It means you are swearing to God, and saying bad words in your head!”

  “Boys! Knock it off.” Marnie said. She was exhausted, and in no mood to start the yelling that would be involved with this issue. But then Trey began to cry.

  “Mommy! Jeremy hates God! Why does he hate God? That’s the meanest thing in the entire world for him to ever do! Peter Tath said so. It means you will go to H-E-double hockey sticks for putting up the middle finger, and even though what Jeremy did was so bad, I don’t want him to go there!”

  “You’re such a baby.” Jeremy said, which only made Trey cry more.

  “Jeremy! When we get home, you are to go straight to your room, and I will be in there to discuss this with you. Trey, your brother is not going to hell. No one is going to hell. Now please, both of you be quiet for the rest of the way home so I can concentrate on driving in this rainstorm or we will crash and we will all die and Daddy will come home to have no family!”

  As soon as she said this, Marnie realized it was a huge mistake and Trey’s tears turned into full-on sobs, and Jeremy started to cry too. She didn’t know what in the hell she was doing. She didn’t know what right she had in raising children at all if this was the type of stuff she was saying to her kids to try to calm them down. And now she had a car full of fearful crying little boys who thought they were all going to die and go to hell. And a baby on the way.

  Dear God, she had a baby on the way.

  What in God’s name was she doing?

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  October 1988

  Marnie’s hand shook as she dialed the number. As she was about to hang up after the fifth ring, a feisty female Italian voice answered.

  “Hello?”

  It had to be Joe’s grandmother from the bakery. Of course she would remember Marnie, but hadn’t Joe said she was showing signs of the onset of Alzheimer’s? But Marnie was the only girl he’d ever taken to the bakery, he had said so that day. His grandmother would have to remember her.

  “Hello?” she asked again.

  “Hi, I was wondering if I… ” Marnie hesitated, searching for the right words.

  “Who’s calling?”

  “Uh, um. I was… I’m a friend of Joe’s.” Marnie’s voice quivered and she wondered if this was a bad idea. Then she figured she might as well get it over with. She was taking up this woman’s time by stuttering into the phone.

  “I was wondering if Joe happened to be home?”

  “What, honey?”

  “Joe?” Marnie asked, lifting her voice so the old woman could understand her. “I’m wondering how I may get in touch with Joe?”

  “Oh! Joey!” the woman suddenly caught on. “Honey, Joey’s at school.”

  “Yes, I know… I was… ”

  “I can give him a message next time I talk to my Joey.”

  “Please, yes. Do you have some paper?”

  “Oh honey! I’m not that senile yet. Let me just find a pencil. Go ahead, what’s the message?”

  “Will you please tell him to call me? And may I leave my number, please?” Marnie annunciated her phone number slowly, and was feeling desperate by now, hoping his grandmother was writing down exactly what she was saying, then she wondered if maybe she should just ask for his number at school.

  “Okay, I’ve got it!”

  “Thanks, and um, please tell him it’s… I’m… ”

  “Wait a minute, sweetie. Why don’t you call him at school?”

  “Can you give me the number?” Marnie inhaled deeply, and just as she thought she might be able to figure out this mess she’d made of her life, her heart sunk into her gut with the words his grandmother spoke next:

  “Trina, don’t tell me you lost his number at Eastern?”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  The Pregnancy – March 2004

  When Marnie pulled safely into the garage and the boys were still crying, she figured ice cream was in order.

  “Okay boys, let’s get inside, wipe these noses and get out the stuff for ice cream sundaes. And please, no one is going to H-E-double hockey sticks, I promise you.”

  The tears slowed and Trey said, “Really? Ice Cream?”

  Sundaes were usually reserved for Saturday nights or sleepovers. Marnie went to the cabinet and found sprinkles, chocolate shavings, the sundae bowls and spoons. She set them all out onto the table where Jeremy and Trey bounced on their chairs, already having forgotten about the mayhem that occurred in the car. Marnie grabbed ice cream, cherries and whipped cream and all was good in the world again.

  As the three assembled their sundaes adding way more toppings than Stuart would have ever allowed, Jeremy asked, “So, when are we getting that puppy you promised us?”

  “Jeremy, I never promised you a puppy.” This made Marnie smile just a tiny bit despite everything because it reminded her of that book from long ago, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

  “Sure you did. Didn’t she Trey?” Jeremy looked at his brother, and it was obvious that Jeremy wanted Trey to lie to his mother.

  “Jeremy, I think we’ve had enough of that for tonight, and we still haven’t discussed what happened in the car.”

  “Mom, I promise I won’t ever do that again,” he said, mouth full of ice cream and toppings. “Besides, someone in class told me that the ring finger was the bad finger and the middle one meant peace to all the world.”

  “Well, from now on, you need to know that you talk to Daddy or me about questions you have. Don’t believe anything the kids at school tell you. You come to me. Okay?”

  “Okay Mom.” Then he looked at Marnie’s empty sundae dish and said, “Wow, you slam-dunked your sundae, Mommy!”

  **

  Later, Marnie helped Jeremy and Trey with showers, and spent a little more time discussing with Jeremy how important it was to not use the middle finger. Then she went into Trey’s room to tuck him in.

  “Hey buddy, how are you?”

  “Will you snuggle with me, Mommy?”

  Marnie was not one to deny a good snuggle, no matter how exhausted she was, or how much laundry was waiting. She crawled under Trey’s fire truck sheets and felt his warm little body next to hers.

  “Will you scratch my back, Mommy? Like you used to a longlonglonglong time ago?”

  Had it been that long since she had given him back scratches? Had she been that preoccupied with everything that she had been forgetting her own children? She knew things were getting out of control and she was suddenly aware that it was all because of the pregnancy, and if it was starting already, without a baby even here, maybe Stuart was right all along. A wave of guilt passed through her body and she felt nauseous, then she sighed out loud.

  “Are you okay, Mommy?” Trey asked.

  “Yes, just tired.”

  She made a mental note to take more time for them, maybe to plan some one-on-one time with each boy. Take them out individually to do a favorite outing, or go see a movie with them. She’d been neglecting them. And she realized with a start, that she’d also been neglecting the baby that was growing inside of her too. She needed to get to the doctor.

  And soon.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  October 1988

  Trina.

  Marnie remembered her. The gir
l from the party. Curly hair. Perfect eyebrows. The girl whom she knew Joe had done intimate things with before she met him.

  Was this really happening? Was Trina his girlfriend? Had Joe been cheating on his girlfriend with Marnie over the summer? But why didn’t she confront them at the party if Trina and Joe were still together? Maybe they had broken up and Marnie was just someone he had used to make Trina jealous? Although, aside from the one sly remark she had made about lemonade, and a couple of glaring looks, it hadn’t seemed like Trina had cared that much that Marnie was at the party with Joe. And wasn’t she practically climbing all over her own football player that night?

  Marnie wondered if that was why Joe had spent so much time inside that night at the party, trying to avoid a confrontation with the girl? There were so many unanswered questions, and all of it made Marnie sick, made her feel that nothing from the summer had been real. Now, none of it seemed real, nothing seemed to matter anymore. She wished she could throw out everything she remembered from their time together, to just put it all behind now and get on with her life. The first way to throw it all out would be to get rid of the baby.

  Except she didn’t know if she could.

  If he hadn’t cared about her, what would make Marnie think he would even care about a baby? Why in the hell would he care about being a father to a baby of a mother he didn’t even care about?

  **

  It was Sunday night. Marnie had been at her parent’s for more than a week and she knew she had to get back to school, even though she wasn’t sure why, because it was doubtful she’d pass any of her classes this term. She had to go back, if only to get away from her parents, who had become alarmingly concerned. Marnie had surfaced from her bedroom a couple of times, to feign that she was getting well, to prove that she was better and could return to school. She was afraid of the changes in her body, and although she knew no one could tell from the outside, she feared if she hung around any longer, her mom and dad would start noticing. Like the way it was difficult to swallow, to chew even, and how the waves of nausea hit at times throughout the day unexpectedly. Marnie had to get away from the growing interest her parents had taken in her.