by Kiera Cass
I had too much to think about to have her around anyway. I kept rehearsing my speech to Maxon. I was trying to figure out the best way to confess this news. Should I leave out anything Aspen and I had done at the palace? If I did and he asked about it, would that be worse than me admitting to it in the first place?
And then I would get distracted thinking about Dad, wondering just what he’d said and done over the years. Were all those people I didn’t know at his funeral really other rebels? Could there possibly be that many?
Should I tell Maxon about that? Would he want me if he knew my family had rebel ties? It seemed as if some of the other Elite were there because of who they were linked to. What if my link undid me? It seemed unlikely now that we were so close to August, but still.
I wondered what Maxon was doing now. Working, maybe. Or finding a way to avoid it. I wasn’t there for him to take walks with or sit with. I wondered if Kriss was taking my place.
I covered my eyes, trying to think. How was I supposed to get through all this?
There was a knock on my door. I didn’t know if what was coming would make things better or worse, but I told the visitor to come in anyway.
Kenna walked in, and, for the first time since I’d come home, Astra was nowhere in sight.
“You okay?”
I shook my head, and the tears came. She walked in and sat beside me on the bed, wrapping an arm around me.
“I miss Dad. His letter was so . . .”
“I know,” she said. “He hardly even spoke when he was here. But he left us with all these words. Part of me is glad. I don’t know if I would remember it all if he hadn’t written it down.”
“Yeah.” In that I had the answer to a question I was afraid to ask. No one else knew Dad had been a rebel.
“So . . . you and Aspen?”
“It’s over, I swear.”
“I believe you. When you’re on TV, you should see the way you look at Maxon. Even that other girl, Celeste?” She rolled her eyes.
I smiled to myself.
“She tries to look like she’s in love with him, but you can see it’s not real. Or at least not as real as she wishes it was.”
I snorted. “You have no idea how right you are on that one.”
“I was wondering how long that had been happening. With Aspen, I mean.”
“Two years. It started after you got married and Kota moved out. We’d been meeting in the tree house about once a week. We were saving up to get married.”
“You were in love then?”
Shouldn’t I have been able to answer right away? Shouldn’t I have been able to tell her that I knew without a doubt that I’d loved Aspen? But now it didn’t really seem that way. Maybe it was, but time and distance made it look different.
“I think so. But it doesn’t feel . . .”
“It doesn’t feel like things with Maxon?” she guessed.
I shook my head. “It just seems so strange now. For the longest time, Aspen was the only person I could imagine being with. I was ready to be a Six. And now?”
“And now you’re five minutes away from being the next princess?” Her deadpan voice made the whole thing funny, and I laughed with her at the drastic change in my life.
“Thanks for that.”
“That’s what sisters are for.”
I looked into her eyes and sensed that this hurt her somehow. “Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“You’re telling me now.”
“It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you. It was part of what made it special, I think. Keeping him a secret.” Saying it out loud, I realized that it was true. Yes, I had feelings for him, but there were other things that surrounded us that made having Aspen that much sweeter: the secrecy, the rush of being touched, the thought of having something worth working toward.
“I understand, America, I really do. I just hope you never felt like you had to keep it a secret. Because I’m here for you.”
I exhaled, and so many of my worries seemed to leave with that breath. At least for a moment. I propped my head on Kenna’s shoulder, and it was nice to be able to think.
“So, is anything going on between you and Aspen anymore? How does he feel about you?”
I sighed, sitting up. “He keeps trying to tell me something, something about how he’s always loved me. And I know I should tell him that it doesn’t matter and that I love Maxon, but . . .”
“But?”
“What if Maxon picks someone else? I can’t walk away from this with nothing. At least if Aspen still thinks there’s a chance, maybe we could try again when everything’s over.”
She stared at me. “You’re using Aspen as a safety net?”
I buried my head in my hands. “I know, I know. It’s awful, isn’t it?”
“America, you’re better than that. And if you’ve ever cared about him at all, you need to tell him the truth just as badly as you need to tell Maxon the truth.”
A knock came at the door. “Come in.”
I blushed a little as Aspen walked in the doorway, a dejected Lucy close behind.
“You need to get dressed and packed,” he said.
“Is something wrong?” I stood up, suddenly tense.
“All I know is that Maxon wants you back at the palace immediately.”
I sighed, confused. I was supposed to have one more day. Kenna wrapped her arm around me again and gave me a tiny squeeze before heading back to the living room. Aspen left, and Lucy merely grabbed her uniform and went to the bathroom to change, closing the door behind her.
Alone again, I thought over everything. Kenna was right. I already knew how I felt about Maxon, and it was time to do what Dad had told me to do, what I’d meant to be doing this whole time: I was going to fight.
And because it felt like the bigger task, I would talk to Maxon first. Once that was settled, no matter the outcome, then I would figure out what to say to Aspen.
It had happened so slowly that it took me a while to realize how much we’d changed. But I’d known for weeks and had still kept my feelings to myself. I had to do the right thing and tell him so. I had to let go of Aspen.
I reached into my suitcase, hunting for the bundle at the bottom. Once I found the ball of fabric, I unrolled it, taking out my jar. The penny wasn’t so lonely in there now with the bracelet, but that didn’t matter.
I took the jar and placed it on my windowsill, leaving it where it should have stayed a long time ago.
I spent the majority of the plane ride going over my confession to Maxon. I was dreading this, but we could only move forward if he knew the truth.
I looked up from my comfy seat near the rear of the plane. Aspen and Lucy were sitting toward the front on opposite sides of the aisle, deep in conversation. Lucy looked upset still, and she seemed to be giving Aspen some sort of instructions. He was quiet as he took in her words, nodding at her suggestions. She retreated into her seat, and Aspen stood. I ducked back, hoping he didn’t notice me spying.
I tried to look very interested in my book until he approached.
“The pilot says another half hour or so,” he informed me.
“All right. Good.”
He hesitated. “I’m sorry about everything with Kota.”
“You don’t have anything to be sorry for. He’s just mean.”
“No, I do. Years ago he teased me for having a crush on you, and I brushed it off; but I think he saw through it. He must have been paying attention since then. I should have been more careful or something. I should have—”
“Aspen.”
“Yes?”
“It’ll be fine. I’m going to tell Maxon the truth, and I’m going to take responsibility for this. You’ve got people at home depending on you. If something happens to you—”
“Mer, you tried to keep me from this, and I was too stubborn to listen. It’s my fault.”
“No, it’s not.”
He took a deep breath. “Listen . . . I need to tell you something.
I know it’s going to be difficult, but you need to know. When I told you I’d always love you, I meant it. And I—”
“Stop,” I pleaded. I knew I had to tell him the truth, but I could only deal with one confession at a time. “I can’t handle this right now. I just had my world turned upside down, and I’m about to do something I’m terrified to do. I need you to give me some room right now.”
Aspen didn’t look happy with this decision, but he let me make it all the same.
“As you wish, my lady.” He walked away, and I felt even worse than I had before.
CHAPTER 27
WALKING BACK INTO THE PALACE felt impossibly right. A maid I’d never seen before was there to take my coat, and Aspen was next to a guard, explaining quietly that he’d give a full report on the trip in the morning. I started up the stairs, but another maid stopped me.
“Don’t you want to go to the reception, miss?”
“Excuse me?” Was I supposed to have some fantastic homecoming or something?
“In the Women’s Room, my lady. I’m sure they’re waiting for you.”
That was less of an explanation than I was hoping for, but I climbed back down the stairs and headed around the corner to the Women’s Room. Strolling down the familiar halls was more comforting than I could have imagined. Of course I still missed my dad, but it was nice not to see things that made me think of him everywhere I turned. The only thing that would have made this homecoming better was Maxon walking here with me.
I was toying with the possibility of sending for him when I heard the wild noise coming from the Women’s Room. I was confused by the sound. By the volume, half of Illéa was waiting in there.
Tentatively, I opened the door. The second Tiny—what was she doing here?—caught a glimpse of my hair, she called out to the room.
“She’s here! America’s back!”
The room exploded with cheers, and I was so confused. Emmica, Ashley, Bariel . . . everyone was here. I hunted, but I knew it was pointless. Marlee wouldn’t be invited to this.
I was rushed by Celeste, who embraced me tightly. “Ahh, you bitch, I knew you’d make it!”
“What?” I asked.
She didn’t get her words out fast enough. A split second later, Kriss was hugging me and half screaming in my ear. The smell on her breath said she’d been drinking quite a bit, and the glass in her hand confirmed she wasn’t planning on stopping.
“It’s us!” she yelled. “Maxon’s announcing his engagement tomorrow! It’s one of us!”
“Are you sure?”
“Elise and I got the boot last night, but he sent for all the girls to come back and celebrate, so we stayed,” Celeste confirmed. “Elise isn’t taking it well; you know how it is with her family. She thinks she failed.”
“What about you?” I asked nervously.
She shrugged and smiled. “Eh.”
I laughed at that, and a moment later a drink was shoved in my hand.
“To Kriss and America, the last girls standing!” someone yelled.
I was dizzy with the news. He’d decided to end it, to send everyone home. And he did it while I was away. Did that mean he missed me? Did that mean he realized he was fine without me?
“Drink!” Celeste insisted, tipping the glass back for me. I downed the champagne and came up coughing. Between the jet lag, the emotional stress of the last few days, and the sudden intake of alcohol, I was immediately giddy.
I watched as girls danced on the couches, celebrating even though they had lost. Celeste was in a corner with Anna; it looked as if she was apologizing repeatedly for her actions. Elise crept in quietly and came to offer me a hug before retreating again. It was a blur of excitement, and I found myself happy even though I wasn’t totally certain of the outcome in front of me.
I turned around, and Kriss was suddenly there, embracing me.
“Okay,” she said. “Let’s promise that tomorrow, no matter what, we’ll be happy for each other.”
“I think that’s a good plan,” I shouted over the din. I laughed and lowered my eyes. In that quick second, a serious realization flooded me. That flash of silver on her neck suddenly meant so much more than it had a few days ago.
I sucked in a breath, and she looked at me with an expression that asked what was wrong. Even though it was rude and abrupt, I pulled her out of the room and down the hall.
“Where are we going?” she asked. “America, what’s wrong?”
I dragged her around the corner and into the ladies’ bathroom, double-checking to make sure we were alone before speaking.
“You’re a rebel,” I accused.
“What?” she said, a little too rehearsed. “You’re crazy.” But her hand fluttered to her neck, giving her away.
“I know what that star means, Kriss, so don’t lie to me,” I said calmly.
After a calculated pause she sighed. “I haven’t done anything illegal. I’m not mounting protests anywhere; I just support the cause.”
“Fine,” I spat. “But how much of your part in the Selection is you wanting Maxon and how much is your group wanting one of their own on the throne?”
She was quiet for a moment, choosing her words. Clenching her jaw, she walked over to the door and locked it. “If you must know, yes, I was . . . presented to the king as an option. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that the lottery was a joke.”
I nodded.
“The king was—and still is—unaware of how many Northerners were promoted while the choice was being made. I was the only one of all the hopefuls to make it through, and, at first, I was completely dedicated to my cause. I didn’t understand Maxon, and it didn’t seem like he wanted me at all. But then I got to know him, and I was really sad about him not taking an interest in me. After Marlee left and you lost your hold on him, I saw him in a totally new light.
“You might think that my motives for coming here were wrong, and maybe you’re right. But my reasons for being here now are completely different. I love Maxon, and I’m still fighting for him. And we can do great things together. So if you’re thinking about trying to blackmail me or sell me out, forget it. I’m not backing down. Do you understand me?”
Kriss had never spoken so forcefully, and I didn’t know if the reason was her absolute faith in her words or the heavy amount of champagne. She looked so fierce at the moment, I wasn’t sure what to say.
I wanted to tell her that Maxon and I could do great things, too, that we’d probably already done more than she could guess. But now wasn’t the time to brag. Besides, she and I had a lot in common. I came here for my family; she came here for a family of sorts. That got us through the doorway and into Maxon’s heart. What good would it do us to tear each other apart now?
She took my silence as an agreement to behave, and she relaxed her stance.
“Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to the party.”
Giving me a cold stare, she swept out of the room, leaving me torn. Should I keep my mouth shut? Should I at least let someone know? Was this even a bad thing?
I sighed and left the bathroom. I wasn’t in the mood to celebrate anymore, so I took the back stairway up to my room.
Even though I wanted to see Anne and Mary, I was glad no one was there. I flopped onto the bed and tried to think. So Kriss was a rebel. Nothing dangerous, according to her, but I still wondered what that meant exactly. She must be who August and Georgia were talking about. What had ever made me think it was Elise?
Had Kriss helped them get into the palace? Had she pointed them in the direction of things they had been looking for? I had my secrets in the palace, but I’d never stopped to think about what the other girls could be hiding. I should have though.
Because what could I say now? If there was something real between Maxon and Kriss, any attempt to expose her would look like a desperate last effort to win. And even if that worked, that wasn’t how I wanted to get Maxon.
I wanted him to know I loved him.
A k
nock came at the door, and I considered not answering it. If it was Kriss coming to explain more or one of the girls trying to drag me downstairs, that wasn’t anything I wanted to deal with. Eventually, I heaved myself upright and went to the door.
Maxon stood there with a stuffed envelope and a small, gift-wrapped package.
In the second it took us to register that we were in the same place again, it felt as if the whole space charged with a magical kind of electricity, making me acutely aware of just how much I missed him.
“Hi,” he said. He seemed a little stunned, as if he couldn’t think of anything more to say.
“Hi.”
We stared.
“Do you want to come in?” I offered.
“Oh. Um, yes, I do.” Something was off. He was different, nervous maybe.
I stood aside, making room for him to enter. He looked around the space as if it had changed somehow since the last time he saw it.
He turned to gaze at me. “How are you feeling?”
I realized he probably meant about my dad, and I reminded myself that the end of the Selection wasn’t the only shift in my world right now. “Okay. It doesn’t really feel like he’s gone, especially now that I’m here. I feel like I could write him a letter, and he’d still get it.”
He gave me a sympathetic smile. “How’s your family?”
I sighed. “Mom is holding it together, and Kenna is a rock. It’s mostly May and Gerad I’m worried about. Kota couldn’t have been any meaner about the whole thing. It’s like he didn’t love him at all, and I don’t understand that,” I confessed. “You met my dad. He was so sweet.”
“He was,” Maxon agreed. “I’m glad I at least got to meet him. I can see bits of him in you, you know.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely!” He put his parcels in one hand, holding me with his free one. He walked me over to the bed, sitting next to me. “Your sense of humor, for one. And your tenacity. When he and I spoke during his visit, he grilled me. It was nerve-racking, but kind of funny at the same time. You’ve never just let me off the hook either.