by Gina Wilkins
“So you want sex, then.”
He frowned but answered evenly enough. “Well, I wouldn’t fight you off if you dragged me into the bushes, but I wasn’t really expecting that, either. It was just a kiss, Joanna.”
She pushed a hand through her tousled hair, shaking her head slowly. “I’m sorry. This whole situation has been...difficult.”
“Yes.”
“It’s clear enough that I’m attracted to you, too,” she said, knowing it would be both foolish and unreasonable to deny the obvious. “Great sex was enough last time. But it can’t be enough now.”
He nodded, his face set in hard lines. “Because of Simon.”
“Partially. But also because of me. Because I don’t want to be hurt. And you could hurt me, Adam.”
As she’d expected, he looked appalled by the suggestion. “I would never hurt you.”
“No. Not deliberately.” She gave him a shaky smile, opting for candor. It was the only way they could go on from here, as coparents, maybe even as friends someday. “You underestimate your appeal, Adam. It wouldn’t take much to make me fall for you, and I know that’s not what you want.”
She patted his arm, much as she would have comforted her son, though she couldn’t have felt less maternal. “There’s no need to look so panicky. I don’t expect anything from you. I know how you feel about commitments. And you’ve certainly never led me to think you feel anything deeper for me than attraction. That’s okay. We’ll work things out for Simon’s sake, and there’s no reason at all we can’t be friendly about it. I just want you to understand why it’s best if we keep our distance.”
He cleared his throat. Something in his expression took her aback for a moment. But then he moved away another step, letting the shadows hide his face from her. His low voice came out of the darkness, much as it had in her occasional dreams of him. “I thought I’d made it clear that I never saw you as a casual partner. But as for anything more—I just don’t have a good track record with that, Joanna. The few times I’ve attempted relationships ended in disaster, and it was probably my fault. You deserve a hell of a lot more than a guy who doesn’t even know what he wants out of life.”
“You deserve more than that, too,” she replied quietly. “And I hope you give yourself a chance to find it someday. You have a lot more to offer than you realize, Adam.”
After several long moments of silence, he said, “You should probably go to Simon. We’ll talk again later.”
She nodded. They would talk again, of course. Through phone calls. Texts and emails. Maybe the occasional communication through lawyers if any legal details cropped up in the future. It wasn’t the parenting arrangement she’d ever imagined, but it was the one her son had. And she would do her best to make it work, regardless of how much she wished that it could have been different.
“Just promise me one thing,” she said in a strained whisper.
“What?” The wariness in Adam’s voice caused another ripple of sadness to course through her.
“I know you were pulled into Simon’s life before you were ready, but please don’t make any promises you don’t think you can keep. To Simon, I mean,” she added quickly. “I don’t want him to be disillusioned.”
He stood very still in his cloaking shadows. Had she insulted him? Hurt his feelings? That hadn’t been her intention. She was simply trying put Simon’s needs first, as always.
“The reason I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell him about me was precisely because I didn’t want to let him down,” Adam said in a low, flat tone. “But I told you, I won’t lie to him. Not today. Not in the future. I’d cut off both my arms before I’d hurt him. Or you,” he added roughly.
Forcing back a sudden rush of tears, she swallowed the knot in her throat and nodded. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Good night, Adam.”
“I’ll see you in the morning.” With that, he turned on his heel and moved away in long, brisk strides. He didn’t look back.
Needing a chance to compose herself before facing her sister, Joanna lingered for a few minutes by the koi pond. She watched the colorful fish swimming lazily through the glittering water lit by tiny multihued bulbs, though she found little solace there. Maybe she’d had enough of meticulously staged escapism for now. Maybe she would find comfort in a return to her work, in the taxing realities of packing and cleaning, moving and settling in, adjusting to all the changes in her life. Changes that included regular contact with the fantasy man who had haunted her dreams for longer than she’d acknowledged. A man who’d become all too real to her this week.
Maddie was waiting in the suite, a glass in her hand half filled with the chardonnay Joanna had stashed in the minifridge for quiet evenings with a book after Simon’s bedtime. This vacation certainly hadn’t turned out as she’d expected when she’d arrived.
After taking one look at Joanna’s face, Maddie handed the glass to her. “You look like you need this more than I do.”
Though she didn’t particularly want it, Joanna took an automatic sip, then set the glass on a table. “Is Simon asleep?”
“He didn’t make it through three pages of the book. I’m never going to find out how that story ends,” Maddie answered lightly, though she studied Joanna’s face intently. “You okay, sis?”
Joanna didn’t quite meet her gaze. “Oh, sure. Just tired, I guess.”
“Crazy day, huh?”
“You could say that again.”
“We should have known Simon would figure everything out. I don’t think you’re ever going to be able to keep secrets from that kid, Jo.”
Trying to smile, she nodded. “I suppose that’s just as well. I’ve always tried to be honest with him.”
“I didn’t expect you back quite so soon. I thought you and Adam would talk longer.”
Joanna ran a hand through her hair. “I think we’ve said all there is to say for now. He needs more time to think about how he wants to proceed. The legalities are all taken care of, as far as I’m concerned. He has all my contact information. We’ll see him again before we leave in the morning so Simon can say good bye for now, and then I don’t know when we’ll see him again.”
“He promised Simon he wouldn’t disappear,” Maddie said with a quick frown in the direction of Simon’s darkened room, its door open only a crack.
“I know. And he swore to me he won’t make promises to Simon that he can’t keep. So I believe he’ll stay in touch, one way or another.” As for how often he’d want to see his son in person—well, that was to be determined later.
“And what about you?” Maddie asked.
“What about me?”
“Has he made any promises to you?”
“Other than not disappointing Simon, no.”
“And is that all you want?”
“It’s the most important thing.”
“That’s not what I asked,” Maddie said gently.
Her throat aching, Joanna spread her hands. “What else could I expect? Adam and I still hardly know each other. And he’s not the forever-after type, anyway.”
Maddie merely looked at her.
With a heavy sigh, Joanna picked up the wineglass again, mostly to have something to do with her hands. She took a sip she didn’t taste, then said quietly, “Adam is a great guy, Maddie—you only have to see him with his friends, his coworkers and the guests here to see that. He’s been kind to Simon and completely honest with me. But he has a lot of issues. Trust. Commitment. A painful childhood with a dysfunctional family. Probably some lingering effects from the war, being seriously wounded.”
She hoped she wasn’t revealing too much, but she wanted her sister to understand that Adam had reasons for his actions, or at least believed he did.
Maddie looked thoughtful. “I didn’t know he’d been wounded. I guess that’s one of the bond
s he has with Walt.”
“Speaking of Walt...”
Reacting with a wan smile to having the interrogation turned back on her, Maddie shrugged. “He’s definitely intriguing.”
“Not your usual type, though.”
“We both know where my usual type has gotten me,” Maddie murmured without taking offense. “I’ve decided it’s time to explore new possibilities. And a new type.”
“After only a couple of days? That sounds reckless and impulsive even from you, Maddie.”
“You’re one to talk.” Maddie shrugged. “We’re discussing you here, not me. You said Adam has issues. You’ve got a few yourself. You worry too much, especially when it comes to Simon. You try to control too much, to avoid any complications or messiness in your life. The one time you let loose, you got your heart bruised and ended up with an unplanned pregnancy. And as overjoyed as you are to have Simon in your life, you’ve been trying to make up for that lapse in judgment ever since. Face it, Jo, you’re scared to take another risk.”
“Scared to take risks?” Joanna lifted her chin at the accusations that struck entirely too close to home. “I’m preparing to move more than twenty-five hundred miles away from all my friends and family, take my son and resettle in a city I’ve only visited a handful of times to start a job that’s going to be the biggest challenge of my professional life. Frankly, I find that all rather terrifying—but I’m going to do it anyway.”
“Okay, I’ll give you that,” Maddie conceded. “And I still hate that you’re moving, by the way. But it’s not the type of risk I was talking about. You know you’ll both be fine in Seattle, that you’ll love the job and you’ll be good at it. If it doesn’t work out, you know you can quickly find another position. Good therapists are always in demand. But there’s more to life than work, you know. And sometimes you have to take a few chances and break a few rules to get what you want outside an office.”
Joanna sighed and set down the wineglass again, with a thump this time. There was no use discussing this. As close as they’d become, she and Maddie were still quite different. For one thing, any risks Joanna took affected someone else as much or more than herself, something Maddie didn’t have to worry about.
“I’m going to bed. We should head out pretty early tomorrow. We have a long drive ahead of us.”
Maddie moved obligingly toward the door, saying over her shoulder, “Get some rest, Jo. And maybe give a little thought to what’s best for you for a change, rather than everybody else.”
Locking the door behind her sister, Joanna thought wearily that what was best for her right now was to go to bed. To lose herself in sleep before facing tomorrow. Preferably dreamless sleep.
* * *
THEY HAD BREAKFAST outdoors at the coffee shop. Because it was the last day, Joanna let Simon order anything he wanted. She warned him with a smile that tomorrow morning would mean a return to fruit, yogurt and granola, but he merely grinned and crammed a huge bite of chocolate pastry into his mouth, washing it down with chocolate milk.
Sipping coffee and picking unenthusiastically at an egg white omelet, Maddie shuddered from across the table. “That’s disgusting, Si-bot. How can you handle all that sugar this early in the morning?”
“It’s never too early for chocolate,” Simon replied matter-of-factly.
“Spoken like a true chocolate aficionado.” Adam dropped into the empty chair at the table for four, giving Simon a pat on the shoulder as he spoke.
Simon’s face lit up with a smile that made Joanna’s heart ache. She wondered how Adam reacted to seeing his arrival greeted with such delight. “Hi, Mr.—I mean, good morning, Dad.”
Maybe Adam’s smile was a little softer than usual when he replied, “Morning, Skipper.”
He glanced toward Joanna, and while his smile remained, his eyes darkened a bit. “Good morning, Joanna. Maddie. All packed up for the drive home?”
“Packed, but not yet loaded into the car,” Joanna answered. “I might have to leave a few things behind to make room for Simon’s shells and souvenirs.”
Simon wrinkled his nose. “I don’t have that much, Mom.”
She smiled at him. “Just teasing.”
“Are you sure we can’t stay just a bit longer?” he asked, both hopeful and resigned. “I want to walk on the beach one more time. I never found a Scotch bonnet.”
“I’m sorry, Simon, but we have to go.” She touched his hand in sympathy, knowing how hard this was for him. “We walked the beach and swam in the pool before breakfast this morning, remember? You were up at dawn to make sure you could play. Now it’s time for vacation to be over.”
Adam dug into his pocket and held out a hand toward Simon. “I know you wanted to find one for yourself, but I picked this up on the beach last winter. Maybe it can hold a place in your collection until you find your own.”
“Oh, wow.” Very carefully, Simon accepted the cream-and-tan-spotted shell, which was almost the size of his fist. He ran a fingertip over the pointed end and into the folded-back opening, then traced the tight swirls on the side. Joanna could see that it was a near perfect specimen of the shell Simon had coveted.
He looked up at Adam. “This is great, Dad. Thank you.”
A muscle twitched in Adam’s jaw, and Joanna speculated that it surprised him to hear himself called “Dad.” She knew it jarred her whenever she heard Simon say it.
“You’re welcome, Skipper. You can add it to that overstuffed bag of souvenirs. Of course, now your mom will have to leave another pair of shoes behind.”
The quip had probably been an attempt to lighten the moment, and it worked. Simon gave a peal of laughter. “The shell’s not as big as a pair of shoes, Dad.”
“Ah. My mistake.”
He met Joanna’s gaze, then looked quickly away. Because of what he’d seen in her expression—or because he wanted to hide whatever she might find in his?
CHAPTER TWELVE
THEY WALKED BACK to the lodge together after breakfast, though Joanna and Maddie left most of their food on their plates. Wanting to give Adam and Simon plenty of time together, Joanna hung back on the path with Maddie, watching as her son skipped ahead, clutching the precious shell in one hand and Adam’s hand with the other. She couldn’t resist lifting her phone and snapping a photo, capturing them just as Adam looked down and Simon looked up to share identical smiles.
“Adam definitely has a hold on Simon, doesn’t he?” Maddie murmured.
Joanna nodded.
“On you both,” Maddie added meaningfully.
Joanna saw no need to respond to that obvious fact.
Maddie’s phone dinged with a text. She glanced at the screen, then slid it back into her pocket.
“Let me guess.” Joanna figured payback was only fair. “Walt?”
Maddie didn’t bother to deny it. “Yes. He told us to have a safe trip back to Atlanta.”
Turning her head to study her sister’s profile, Joanna asked, “Are you going to see him again?”
“Beats the hell out of me. Ball’s in his court now.” Maddie’s sudden laugh was rueful, but sounded genuinely amused. “We’re quite a screwed-up pair, aren’t we, sis?”
Pushing back her hair, Joanna couldn’t help but laugh. “We are that.”
Maddie had brought her bags to Joanna’s suite earlier that morning, so everything was ready to be packed in the car. Adam helped them carry things down, telling Joanna that his job at the resort sometimes included bellhop service as well as the jobs of lifeguard and unicorn-finder. Reminded of the conversations they’d had that week, she smiled, glad he didn’t seem to resent the prickly way they’d parted last night.
He looked around with one hand on the lid of her car’s trunk. “Is that everything?”
“Yes,” she said simply. “That’s it.”
Simon would keep his bag of treasures in the backseat with him. A small cooler filled with fruit and bottles of water was stashed behind the driver’s seat. She could think of no other excuse to delay their departure.
She placed a tender hand on Simon’s shoulder. “We should go, sweetie. Say goodbye, then climb into your booster seat.”
Perhaps that was the moment that reality set in for her young son. His lower lip quivered. “It doesn’t feel like we’ve been here long enough,” he said, his voice tremulous.
“I know, baby. But it’s time. We’ll have a fun drive with Aunt Maddie. She knows lots of car games.”
Her eyes hidden behind a large pair of sunglasses, Maddie turned back to them. Had she been scanning the grounds, hoping to see someone in particular? If so, she kept her disappointment hidden when she spoke cheerfully to her nephew. “Oh, yeah, Si-bot. I know some songs that are going to drive your mom absolutely crazy.”
He didn’t laugh, but nodded glumly and gazed up at Adam with tear-silvered eyes. “You’ll call me?”
Adam ruffled his hair. “Your mom has my number and I have hers. You can call me whenever you want to talk to me, and unless I can’t talk just then, I’ll always answer.”
“Can I do a video call sometimes and show you things? Like my room and my toys and stuff? And my new room in Seattle?”
“I’ll look forward to that,” Adam said, and Joanna saw lines of strain around his mouth now. She ached for them both, but what else could they do? As Adam had said, he belonged here. For now, at least. She and Simon did not.
Simon held up his arms and Adam picked him up for a bear hug, burying his face in the boy’s neck. Joanna’s hands were shaking so hard she couldn’t have snapped a picture even had she tried. She thought she heard a snap from Maddie’s direction, so maybe the moment had been captured, after all. If so, she thought it might be a while before she’d be able to look at that particular photo. It was all she could do not to dissolve in tears now. She was making no guarantees for later, when she was alone.