When Balidor started clicking at me, his anger growing more audible, I gripped his arm harder, forcing him to meet my gaze.
“Balidor. That’s an order. It’s a fucking order, okay? Pretend you remember what that means. You’re going to have to trust me on this. Or if not me, then Vash… or Tarsi. They helped me design my approach for this first session.”
Balidor looked at them, his eyes hard. “Is that true?”
Tarsi gave him a level look, making the affirmative gesture in seer sign language. Vash gestured in assent, too. When Balidor continued to stare between the two of them warily, as if looking for a lie in their faces, I touched his arm.
When he turned, his gray eyes remained the color of steel.
“Make sure they get whatever they need,” I added, softer. “They’ll be out here, too.”
Tarsi chuckled, her light exuding an open amusement.
I don’t know if it was because of what I’d said or how I was talking to her favorite pupil. In any case, I didn’t look over. I watched Balidor’s face instead.
Anger reached his eyes. He was about to open his mouth again, but I cut him off.
“‘Dori,” I warned. “Stop. We’re done here, okay? We’re done.”
Balidor looked at Tarsi again, as if for help, but she only shrugged, clicking.
“She is a bit of a nuisance, your Bridge,” she said. “But it’ll be all right I think, Adhipan Leader Balidor.”
“She really cleared this with you?”
“Yes. Her logic is sound. Moreover, it is an infiltrator’s logic.”
Holding the old seer’s eyes for a beat too long, Balidor turned to me.
After another pause where he scowled at me, he bowed, curtly.
“As you wish, Esteemed Bridge,” he said.
I was tempted to make a sarcastic crack in reply, but he’d already turned, walking away from the three of us to rejoin Garend at the security console.
Only after he’d moved away, did I realize my hands were shaking.
Clutching them in front of me, I focused my light, counting backwards until the trembling stopped. I caught Jon staring at me when I finished, his eyes holding encouragement that barely concealed his own thread of nerves. I forced myself to give him a reassuring smile, right before I took a deep breath and turned my head to look through the organic window.
Revik’s back rested against the furthest wall from the hatch, his chained hands in his lap. Legs sprawled in front of him, he tilted back his head, as if staring at the ceiling. In the sudden lack of talking among the seers outside the tank, the audio reached my ears, until it eclipsed all other sounds in the room.
He was singing, I realized.
Softly, under his breath.
It was a seer song, but modern. Wreg played it sometimes during sparring drills, or by the pool, where he often wanted music. As I listened to Revik, I realized I’d never really paid close attention to the words that accompanied the industrial-style song.
“Never fire and back to earth,
Some days I submit, some I won’t.
They always break me, inside, out.
They kill me, smash me.
Leave me without.
Family, friends, all lovers end.
I’m broken inside, but here I am.”
The words in Prexci melded together, forming a kind of whispered prayer.
“My heart was broken long ago.
Too far back, the elders know.
The books are dust, the prophets dead.
Our time won’t come before the end.”
I felt emotion try to creep up around my light, inexplicable in its intensity.
I watched his face, and found myself fighting tears.
Maybe I was just remembering Wreg, and the others in his charge, who I’d led to slavery and to death. Maybe I was remembering Nikka.
Taking another breath, I forced my eyes off his face.
“All right,” I said to Balidor, glancing at Vash. “It’s time to start.”
11
GROUND ZERO
I DIDN’T LOOK at him when I walked in.
Keeping my expression neutral, I walked directly to the raised platform that stood to my left and his right, a half-dozen yards from where he’d been chained. The platform itself rose only about five or six inches higher than the sloped floor, but Vash agreed it was the best place for me to work, at least until I could risk getting close to him.
I felt his eyes on me as I crossed the room.
I felt him watching me as I tossed down the blanket I’d brought, along with a longer cushion and one of the prayer mats the seer monks used for meditation. I felt reactions in his light when he first saw me, but he managed to mute them quickly, even with the collar.
Most of what I felt on him initially was disbelief.
I didn’t let myself think about it too much. I had my doubts I could control things with him, especially at first. I knew from Jon he’d likely pull out the stops. The only advantage I had in this first session was surprise.
Well, that and the collar.
The two things together might win me minutes––at most.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to beat Revik if I let him turn this into a game. I knew it even before Balidor voiced essentially the same thing, using different words.
The only choice I had was to refuse to play, at least as much as possible.
I hadn’t bothered to mention to either Vash or ‘Dori that I was pretty sure Revik was about ten times smarter than I was. If nothing else, he’d been playing these games for decades before I’d been born. He’d also been mind-fucked by people with whom I probably couldn’t even hold my own in a regular conversation.
I would never reach him that way. Never.
He’d chew me up and spit me out, and I’d have to start all over, from ground zero––which was where I was now.
I kept all of this in the back of my mind while I spread out the blanket, then arranged the cushion over the middle of it.
“Planning a nap, sweetheart?” he said. “Or were you going to strip for me?”
I didn’t look up.
It occurred to me I also felt something like relief ripple through his light in those first few seconds, which I’d been looking for, as well.
So I wasn’t the only one who’d been feeling the effects of our separation.
The tank didn’t just cut him off from the Dreng. It cut him off from me.
He likely hadn’t been entirely bullshitting with Jon when he told him he was in pain. He would have to be, just from our being apart, regardless of how he felt about me. The bond couldn’t be reasoned with. At base, no matter what our personal feelings, that separation would kill us, if we let it go on too long.
With both of us now inside the green-walled tank, even with him wearing a collar, his light could connect with mine. Maybe not as much as either of our light bodies wanted it to, but enough to ease the worst of that irrational tension.
Well, the parts of that irrational tension caused by the bond.
The reality was, I would have to spend time with him in the tank no matter what approach we took with him. If we couldn’t get him to come around, I would probably have to live in here with him, at least part of the time.
That, or find some way to hold him in a less restrictive cell.
Either option made my chest hurt.
I spent another moment arranging the blankets and pads on the platform, and taking off the backpack I wore. I didn’t look at him as I gauged the distance between where he sat and where I’d positioned my makeshift bed. He felt far away to me. I knew distance didn’t have to matter in the Barrier, but it mattered from my perspective.
Hopefully it would matter less by the time I’d started for real.
“Is this your big plan then, sweetheart, to silence me to death?” I heard him smile. “You could have done that from the other side of the wall, lover. Or am I supposed to feel slighted, when you do it in here?”
“No,” I said, with a single shake of my head.
For a moment he just watched me.
I felt him thinking, as the surprise of seeing me wore off.
“Did you bring any hiri for me, wife?” he said.
I bit my tongue a little at the way he said it, but I didn’t let it reach my expression.
“Yes,” I said.
I turned over the backpack, untying the strings holding it closed at top. It contained water mostly, some food, but also a full packet of hiri and an organic lighter. Garend assured me the packet contained the best brand of hiri that seers made.
Sitting down on the blanket, I tugged out one of the dark sticks and put it to my lips.
“Gods, you’re giving me a hard-on already,” he said. “I don’t suppose you could hold it in your cunt after you light it?”
I didn’t raise my eyes.
Instead I pulled the backpack into my lap, digging around until I found the lighter Garend had given me. Organic, it should only light with my hands, using my DNA.
Of course, that wouldn’t help me when Revik had me in a stranglehold, forcing my hands to light the damned thing for him.
The thought was fleeting––then it vanished, like smoke.
I lit the end of the hiri, and threw the lighter back in the bag.
Getting up from the narrow pallet I’d created, I walked a few steps closer and tossed the hiri to him, so that it landed not far from one of his hands.
“Thanks, love.” Winking at me, he leaned over, picking it up with his fingers.
I saw him looking at my clothes then, his eyes traveling lingeringly up to my hair. He completed his assessment and smiled again, raising the hiri to his lips.
“Casual fuckable,” he pronounced, taking a drag off the hiri, then picking some of the weed off his tongue. “I like it. A little more Indian than I usually see you in.”
“Yes,” I said neutrally. “They brought a bunch of clothes back from their last trip to Delhi. Ours were getting a little threadbare.”
“Will you take off the top?” he said.
I flinched, but his voice remained conversational, almost friendly.
“It’s low cut,” he added. “Which I appreciate, love, I do. But it’s just making me want to see your tits.”
“Revik.” I looked at him directly for the first time, letting my eyes show my impatience. “This is going to get really old.”
He smiled, then glanced at the end of the hiri to make sure it was still lit.
“How about a blow job?” he said in the same tone. “Jon wouldn’t give me one, but now I’m almost glad I waited. I’d forgotten how much I like your mouth, lover.”
I averted my eyes as he smiled at me again, his clear irises cold.
“Come on, baby,” he said, cajoling. “I’ll do you, if you do me. I know you’ve got to be hurting a bit, too. Even if you are getting it from that Adhipan prick.”
When I only clicked at him in annoyance, he smiled wider, tilting his head back to look at the ceiling. He took another drag of the hiri.
“That bond thing is a bitch, isn’t it?” he said, still conversational. “I guess the racial compatibility thing is a bit of a nightmare at times, too. I know it was with Elise. There were times I wanted to fuck her with the hard end, anyway… so badly it took everything in my willpower not to go to seer prostitutes until I got it out of my system.”
I bit my lip, but didn’t lower my eyes.
His expression still thoughtful, he tilted his hand with the hiri, a seer’s shrug.
“Still. She was pretty amazing, for a human. She could do things with her tongue that were absolutely fucking unbelievable. And she’d do whatever I asked… no matter how fucked up or depraved it was.” Letting his gaze drift back to me, he exhaled smoke. “She let me come in her ass, too, once she realized what I wanted. It was almost as good. Almost, but not quite.”
He took another drag of the hiri, his voice growing lazy as he studied my face.
“How is he handling that? The fact that he can’t quite give it to you, like I can? Does he whine about it? Or just go to prostitutes?”
“I have no idea,” I said, my voice bored.
I arranged my legs, sitting cross-legged on the mat and pulling out a bottle of water. I let my voice turn businesslike when I looked at him next.
“Revik, Jon told me he talked to you about what I was going to try to do.”
“Did he?”
“Yeah. He did. I’d like to hear your take on it, if that’s all right.”
“What else did Jon tell you about our little chat?” Revik glanced over, his eyes cold as they appraised mine. “Did he tell you I gave him a hard-on?”
He chuckled, exhaling another lungful of smoke.
“He actually got me going there for a minute, too. Picturing him persuading little Dorje into letting him in here. Jon’s more devious than I gave him credit for… or an even better fuck than I realized.” He let his eyes shift back to mine. “But I had him panting there for a minute, wife. I saw it in his eyes. Bet that pissed Dorje off.”
“Probably,” I said. “Look, can we get off this infantile crap? I don’t need you to cooperate with me, Revik. In fact, I don’t expect you to. But I wish you would. More than anything, I wish you would help me with this.”
He raised his head off the wall, his pale eyes staring at mine. “Help you?”
“Yes.” I felt my jaw harden. “I’m trying to help you. I would think you would want this.”
“That I’d want you toying with my mind? Implanting a bunch of garbage about ‘good’ and ‘evil’ and the right and wrong ways of keeping our race from being fucking annihilated? Is that what you think I’d want your help with, Alyson?”
For the first time, I heard anger in his voice.
I kept the relief out of my light and off my face.
“Is that what you think I’ll be doing?” I said.
He gave a humorless laugh. “No, I thought you’d be rubbing my feet, telling me I was your one and only. What the hell else does ‘re-program’ mean, wife?”
I kept my eyes level with his. “It’s not re-programming, Revik. I won’t be implanting anything. I won’t be trying to change your beliefs. That’s not what this is.”
He shook his head, clicking loudly. “Sure. You’ll just give them access. Then they’ll go in and fuck with my light.”
“Jon told me you were afraid.”
“Afraid?” Revik turned, staring at me. After the faintest pause, he laughed, giving me an incredulous look. “Afraid of what? That you might see something about my past? I offered that to you, Alyson! Back when I thought you were my wife, I offered to let you see anything about me or my past that you wanted––”
“This is different,” I cut in. “I’m not interested in the sanitized version of your past they let you remember. This is about the things the Dreng helped you not to see. The things they helped you cope with. The memories they protected you from.”
He gave another disbelieving laugh.
“Gaos d’ jurekil’a… you are so full of shit.” Taking another drag of the hiri, he exhaled smoke as he shook his head. “I can’t believe they turned you into a zealot so fast. How did they do it, Allie? Was Balidor’s dick really that good? The woman I married didn’t believe in any of this crap. Gods, Dreng, prophecies… old religions and their rigid, absolutist moral codes. You didn’t even have a particularly rigid definition of right and wrong, as I recall. You had all of the theological sophistication of a twelve-year-old, of course, and you never really knew what the hell you were talking about. But I at least respected you had your own mind.”
I bit my lip, feeling my cheeks flush, in spite of myself. “I already told you, Revik. This isn’t about believing anything.”
“Really? Then what is it about? What exactly is it that made you decide to use my own goddamned marital bond against me?” Anger touched his words. “Gaos. That you’d let them use that to get to me… that you’d plot with t
hat prick on how to fuck me over with that.”
“I’m trying to help you,” I said. “I’m trying to find some way to give you back your own life, the freedom to make up your own mind about––”
“Freedom.” He let out a harsh laugh, holding up his chained wrists. “You want to talk to me about freedom, love? Seriously?”
“They can’t save you, Revik. They can’t.”
“Who can’t?”
“The Dreng.”
“Jesus Christ, Alyson.” He shook his head. His voice sounded genuinely disbelieving. “If you could just hear yourself. I honestly can’t believe this. I really can’t.” His clear eyes held the same incredulity. “I feel sorry for you, wife. And embarrassed for you. I honestly had no idea you were so fucking stupid.”
I bit my lip again, trying to keep the reaction off my face, out of my light.
Shaking my head, I said, “If you don’t face this now, you’ll have to face it later. And the more you live in their light, depending on them, the worse it’s going to be.”
He rolled his eyes, seer fashion.
“So you’re going to save me. The waitress from San Francisco.”
“Revik, I’m not saying that, either. I’m trying to––”
“I don’t depend on anyone, wife.”
I just looked at him for a moment, feeling my chest tighten.
“Really?” I said. “You don’t?”
“No.” He looked at me, his eyes hard. “I don’t. And don’t pretend you weren’t there, in the mountains with me. Or that you weren’t side by side with me for the Registry job. I can forgive Jon for this crap… he wasn’t there. But are you seriously going to look me in the eye and tell me I wasn’t running things there?” His mouth quirked in a humorless smile. “Come on, love. Tell me. I’m dying to hear you explain how that was just me being ‘manipulated.’ Or were you too busy playing GI Joe with my people to remember my end of things?”
“I don’t have to explain anything,” I said, not dropping my gaze. “I remember you there. I remember you perfectly.”
“And?”
“And?” I gave a seer’s shrug, placing my hands on my knees. “Yes, you were in charge. Absolutely. Your people would have followed you to their deaths.”
Shadow (Bridge & Sword: Awakenings #4): Bridge & Sword World Page 12