‘You haven’t heard?’ She stared at me as I sat calmly turning the pages of my book.
I took my time looking up. ‘Heard what?
‘Oh my God, you haven’t heard? It’s Rose.’
I sighed. ‘What about Rose, Gillian?’
‘She’s dead.’
I waited a moment or two before saying, ‘Rose is dead. Are you sure?’
Gillian flung her arms out. ‘Of course I’m sure. It’s just awful. They found her in the lake.’
‘In the lake? What on earth was she doing there?’
‘Apparently she and Eliza were going for a late night swim.’
‘A swim? The water’s freezing.’
‘Exactly.’
‘And what about Eliza? I mean she was there, you say.’
‘She’s hysterical.’ Gillian drew out the word for maximum effect. ‘They’ve had to give her something to calm her down. Anyway, it looks like Rose stayed behind on her own, mucking about in some leaky old boat and it capsized and she drowned.’ Gillian’s eyes were bright with the excitement of it all. She didn’t actually seem that upset, though. She was about to sit down on my bed but I gave her a look and she straightened up.
‘That really is terrible news,’ I said. ‘Poor little Rose.’ I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. ‘Just terrible.’
‘I know. And her father is out of the country and they haven’t been able to get hold of him so Miss Philips is going mental.’ She looked at me, her head to one side. ‘You’re in shock, aren’t you? My mum says that when people are in shock they often act really calm.’
I nodded and dabbed at my eyes. ‘Yeah. I think I am. Do you mind, Gillian, but I’d like to be alone now.’
‘Are you sure? I can stay if you like. I’m really good in a crisis.’
By now I had managed to squeeze out a couple of tears. I gave her a brave smile. ‘Thank you but I think I just need to be left with my grief.’
Gillian nodded, a self-important look on her face. ‘Well, if you’re sure. But you know where I am if you need me.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. She was still hesitating so I waved the tissue at her. ‘Bye, Gillian.’
‘Oh, right. Night, then.’
Of course no one bothered to ask me if I knew anything, not the police nor any member of staff, nor any of the girls. It was really quite funny. I mean, I was the one person who knew exactly what had happened but no one thought to ask me.
Eliza was allowed to go home. When she got back a week later she looked like her own ghost. Her hair had lost its shine. Her complexion was grey-looking and her freckles stood out like a rash. I didn’t go up to her at supper but waited until we were getting ready for bed.
‘May I come in?’
She was sitting on the floor, her back against the bed. She looked up. ‘Sure.’
I sat down next to her. After a while she said, ‘I never mended her mug.’
‘Oh well. I don’t suppose that matters now.’
She turned her big, pink-rimmed, puffy eyes on me. They had a really weird look in them; like she was watching a horror film. ‘I promised her I’d do it.’
‘I wouldn’t worry about it,’ I said.
Eliza kept staring at me and I was beginning to feel spooked. ‘I promised her,’ she said again and then she started crying, sobbing; grating sobs that made her whole body shudder.
I looked at her for a while. Then I said, in my nicest voice. ‘What happened? What happened down at the lake? I mean, I thought you were there with her.’
Eliza yelped in distress. I didn’t want anyone to come in and check on us so I tried to calm her down, stroking her hair and telling her ‘hush’. For a moment, as she rested her head on my shoulder, I wished I really were her friend. But it was too late for that now.
‘I’ll get you a clean tissue,’ I said, getting up. I knew she kept a box in her bedside locker.
‘We were just mucking around,’ she said. ‘We wanted the boys to find us.’ She suddenly looked embarrassed. At least she was aware enough to realise that her stupid little plan to snare Julian for her friend might not be exactly popular with me.
I smiled what I hoped was a gentle understanding smile. ‘Don’t worry. None of that matters now.’
Eliza looked at me as if we were on the same page and reached over and put her big hand on mine. ‘No, no, it doesn’t.’
I waited another moment before asking. ‘So how come you weren’t there when it happened?’
She groaned and buried her face in her hands.
‘You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to but everyone says it helps,’ I said, my voice brisk and helpful like Miss Philips’s in a crisis.
She didn’t look up. ‘I left.’
‘You left? Right. So the others had arrived.’
‘No.’ The word was a whisper.
‘Okaaay. So you just left her there – on her own.’
Eliza took her hands away from her face and stared at me. She looked as if she were about to start screaming and I thought I might have gone too far. But she simply nodded, mute.
‘You mustn’t beat yourself up about it,’ I said in my nice brisk voice. ‘I mean all right so it was dark and everything but you weren’t to know she’d capsize.’
‘I wimped out,’ she said in a voice that was so small I could barely hear. ‘I’ve never been naked in front of a boy. I suppose I panicked.’ She looked at me as if she were begging me to understand. I looked back as if I didn’t.
‘You know how when you’re little and you’re playing tag and you’re being chased and you know perfectly well that there’s no one frightening behind you, and you’re laughing but somehow you’re scared too and you’re running really fast?’
In fact, I was amazed at how calm I felt, and how utterly without pity. It was as if that part of me, the part capable of feeling what other people felt, had disappeared. It felt nice. Peaceful. ‘Didn’t you say she called after you, though?’
She was frowning now, as if she were trying to recall. ‘I think so. Yes, she did, because I remember thinking the boys might hear us. She was just mucking around, though.’
‘Oh. Right.’ I paused. Then I said, ‘No. No, it can’t have been.’
‘What? What can’t it have been?’
I looked at her under lowered lids. ‘No. It’s nothing.’ I made a worried face. I always was a good actor.
‘Please,’ Eliza said. ‘What is it?’
I sighed as if I found what I was about to say really hard. ‘I just wondered, seeing what happened soon after, if she might actually have been calling for help? I mean, that would explain why she wasn’t worried about anyone hearing, wouldn’t it. If she were in trouble. And she was, wasn’t she? Sadly.’
‘You think she might have been calling me for help?’ Eliza spoke as if each word had a full stop after it, as if the words were so huge that they couldn’t fit in the same sentence. And the way she looked at me. People talk about eyes filling with horror but hers drained. They went blank like I imagine a blind person’s eyes. It was actually quite scary. I got up from the floor.
‘Of course you would have been able to tell the difference between someone calling for help and someone just mucking around.’ I paused. ‘Yeah, of course you would have. However much you were panicking and running.’
She made a weird little moaning sound, burying her face in her hands once more. Honestly, it was a relief not to have to look at her. Now she was saying something. I had to bend down close to hear.
‘I thought she was mucking around. We were laughing.’
‘Well, if you’re sure,’ I said, as if that were the end of it. I looked at my watch. ‘Gosh, it’s lights out. Try to get some rest, won’t you?’
Back in my own cube I was too excited to sleep. The past week had seemed, not like a dream exactly, but like a film. I was watching everything, myself included, with interest, but none of it really touched me. That was it; I was untouchable, out of reach not only of th
ose around me, but myself.
As the days went by I kept expecting to feel something, guilt, shame, regret for what I had done, but nothing. In fact, I had never felt better. It was as if every itch I ever suffered had been scratched and every hunger satisfied. I walked around feeling light on my feet as if, had I wanted to, I could have floated up in the air. I was free, free of all those troublesome feelings. To be honest I didn’t even care much about Julian. I suppose I wouldn’t have minded if he had come crawling, begging me to go out with him again. It would have been quite amusing to see the reaction of the others, the remaining princesses, if he had, but otherwise I really didn’t care. And the less I cared the better things became. Eliza needed me. She was looking to me for reassurance, which was pretty funny when you think about it. And I gave it to her, for a bit, then I took it away and confused her all over again. She kept looking mournfully at me with those great big red-rimmed eyes. The bags underneath were massive by now. She really wasn’t looking very pretty at all.
Then one morning she was gone. I didn’t see her again. Miss Philips told us during assembly, three weeks after Rose died, that Eliza Cummings was not coming back to LAGs.
Forty-two
Eliza
‘It’s late,’ Jacob Bauer said. ‘Don’t you think you should go to bed?’
‘I’m reading.’ I waved the Cass Cassidy autobiography at him. ‘Archie got me a copy, just as he said he would. Good old Archie.’
‘Aren’t you tired?’
‘Not really.’
‘You must be cold.’
‘Not as cold as Rose.’
It was a quiet night and his sigh could be heard all the way up to the roof.
‘Don’t do that,’ I said. ‘I hate it when people sigh at me.’
‘Then please come down. I’m cold even if you’re not.’
‘Then you must go inside.’
‘I won’t leave until you’re down.’
It was my turn to sigh. ‘I told you, I have to work this out.’
‘So work it out inside. Where it’s warm. And not so, well, high up.’
‘I like it here.’
‘Fine. Then I shall stay until you come down. In fact, I shall get a ladder and climb up and get you.’
‘Don’t be so melodramatic.’
‘You’re the person sitting on your roof in the middle of the night yet you accuse me of being melodramatic. How can I be sure you won’t jump?’
‘Jump? Don’t be so silly. Of course I won’t jump.’
‘I don’t believe you.’
‘All I want is to be left alone to read my book. Is that so strange?’
‘Yes, quite frankly. If you’re reading it sitting on a roof.’
‘Roof schmoof, what’s with the locality?’
There was a pause, then he said, ‘Well then, if you’re going to jump, jump. I can’t hang around here all night waiting.’
I snorted. ‘Ha, that’s what they say in films, isn’t it? “Do it then. Jump if that’s what you want,” they say, thinking they’ll shock the person back to their senses. Which would be fine had I taken leave of them, but I haven’t. They’re all here. Next to me, all neatly lined up.’ I patted the bit of roof by my side.
‘Well, I’m sorry. I mean, forgive me if I don’t see the funny side, but I’m cold and I’m tired and quite frankly I’m bored. It’s all very well for you; you at least have something to read.’
‘You could read at a time like this?’
There was a pause as he tethered his voice to patience, then he said, ‘You’re the one telling me everything is fine and that sitting on your roof in the middle of the night, reading, is just something you do.’
‘And you believe me?’
His sigh reached all the way to the sky. ‘You’ve had a shock,’ he said. ‘You’re not in your right mind.’
‘That would imply that there’s a choice, don’t you think? Like in “What mind shall I be in today? The right one? Nah, boring, done that. What about hers next door? No, it’s busy; she’s using it herself. Ah well. I know, how about the one walking by outside the window? It’s the wrong one but it doesn’t do to be too fussy these days.” ’ As I spoke I gesticulated and the torch beam weaved its way across the garden like a drunk. For a moment I thought I might be about to topple. Jacob Bauer drew a sharp breath as he lunged forward, arms outstretched as if to catch me.
Once I was steady again he tried another tack. ‘If you do fall you probably won’t die straight away. Not for you a speedy and becoming death. Oh no. Most likely you’ll simply be horribly injured and then left disabled, in pain and confined to a wheelchair for the remainder of your life. You do know, don’t you, that the body implodes? It doesn’t go splat, which is what most people imagine happens, it implodes, meaning . . .’
‘I do know what implode means.’
‘So get down from the bloody roof!’
‘There’s no need to yell at me. You’re a great yeller, aren’t you? When in doubt raise your voice . . . Anyway, I printed out this article from the Web about how to survive a fall from a great height. Just in case I changed my mind on my way down.’ I pulled some folded A4 pages from my pocket, and leaning over the edge, waved them open.
‘Careful . . .’
‘It’s very good advice. Useful. I’ll read it to you. “The Rockefeller Center in New York City. A survivable fall? Probably not, but stranger things have happened.” ’
‘This is . . .’
‘Please don’t interrupt. “What can you do if you slip off the scaffolding 10 stories above the ground or, worse yet, if your parachute fails while you are skydiving? The odds are not on your side. Is it possible to survive a free-fall from 50, 250, or 25,000 feet (15, 75, or 7,500 m) above the ground? The answer is yes. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of people who have fallen from such heights and lived to tell the tale. While most of it comes down to luck, there are ways you can influence your velocity, the duration of your deceleration, and the distribution of the impact forces upon your body, and ultimately increase your chance of survival. Steps: The arch position: Slow your fall using the arch position. Unless you’re falling from an airplane, you won’t have enough time to try this step. Maximize your surface area by spreading yourself out . . .” ’
‘Enough.’
I put the paper down. ‘Fine. I just thought it was interesting.’
‘Anyway, I thought you said that you had no intention of jumping.’
‘Damn,’ I said. ‘You got me there.’
There was another pause, then Jacob Bauer said, in a much softer voice, a voice I had hitherto only heard him use when speaking to Annie, ‘What is this all about? Is it Gabriel? I know he’s seeing someone.’
I laughed heartily. ‘Good heavens, no. You think I would go and sit on my roof over something like that?’
‘So what is it?’
I sighed. ‘It’s complicated.’
‘I hate is when people say that.’
‘Well, I’m sorry but it is.’
‘Try.’
I thought about it. ‘The thing is, I’ve spent my whole life since my best friend died thinking that I was responsible. We got into this situation and it was all my idea but I bottled out and left her there on her own. Now I find out she was murdered. By Cass Cassidy the soap actress. Who is actually Sandra/Cassandra from school. Which is all pretty surreal. It’s in here, though,’ I waved the book at him again. ‘In her bloody autobiography.’
There was a long pause. Then Jacob Bauer said, ‘OK, I can see how that could be upsetting.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I still don’t believe that sitting on your roof is going to help.’ There was another pause and then I heard him say to himself, ‘Oh, to hell with it.’
I looked down as he strode out of view. Then I lay back against the chimney-stack and looked up at the star-strewn sky. A few minutes later I heard banging. The roof hatch flew open and Jacob Bauer’s head appeared. I sat back up. ‘How did you g
et here?’
‘Same way as you did.’
‘But how did you get inside?’
‘I’m afraid I had to break a window. I will pay for it to be replaced, of course.’ He pushed a heavy shoulder through the hatch. ‘Damn! Damn it, I’m stuck.’
‘Like Pooh in Rabbit’s hole,’ I said.
‘I’m glad I’m amusing you.’
I got to my feet and peered down at him. ‘How about if you make your shoulders round? Like this?’ I showed him.
There was a lot of grunting and shoving and then the rest of Jacob Bauer emerged. I went and sat down, dangling my legs over the edge.
‘Would you mind coming back from there?’ Jacob Bauer said.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Well, I’m not. I suffer from vertigo.’
‘So you don’t like this kind of thing?’ I leant over as far as I was able.
‘For God’s sake!’ He stepped forward and his foot slipped and for a moment I thought he might tumble off the roof. I threw myself backwards to try to grab him but he had managed to regain his balance.
‘Christ,’ I said. ‘What are you trying to do?’
He was pale and his eyes were wide and frightened.
‘I’m sorry. I forget you’re not comfortable with heights.’
‘Would you mind coming over here.’ He pointed a trembling finger at the chimney-stack.
‘OK.’ I got to my feet and went to sit down next to him. Then I started to laugh.
‘There’s something amusing you? A little joke you’d like to share?’
‘I’m sorry,’ I said. Then I started to laugh again.
‘For fuck’s sake.’
‘OK, OK, I’m sorry. It’s just that it would have been pretty funny if, having just found out that I had not, after all, caused Rose’s death I should cause yours.’
‘Hilarious. Absolutely side-splittingly hilarious.’
‘Rose chose to stay. She hadn’t tried to follow me and she hadn’t called out for help.’
There was a pause then Jacob Bauer said, ‘I’m afraid I don’t have the faintest idea what you are talking about.’
I started crying.
I felt his hand on my shoulder. ‘There, there.’ He handed me a large red and white spotted hankie. ‘It’s a bit bright, I know. Annie picked it out for me. She picks out my ties too. Go on. It’s perfectly clean.’
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