by Sarah Cole
Jay returns his focus on the audience and begins screaming the next lyrics, his leg braced on the speaker, bent over, “You said you said we’d always be; I gave you everything…,” and the way he delivers the line you know he feels every word.
“Didn’t think they’d play tonight.” Cash says from beside me with his hands in his pockets. At least he took my threat as seriously as I meant it.
“Why’d you think that?”
“Because of what happened to that pretty boy drummer of theirs. Who knew that hot little bitch could play?” he scoffs towards Charlie, and walks away.
Something still isn’t sitting right with me about the situation, and I’d put money on it that Cash and his manager, Warren, have some sort of hand in it. They honestly would have had no way of knowing what happened to Chase before show time, so his comment is unnerving. They’ve been known to do some pretty shady shit now and then, and after their initial reaction to the headliner swap, its making more and more sense, but I need solid proof.
***
Jay and I are walking through the back lot towards where the large van the band rented out should be parked. The guys, Charlie, Andrew and Fallon were going out for food and ice cream before we hit the road again. I was just going to catch up on some emails and paperwork, but Charlie and Jay insisted I tag along.
As soon as he was able after the show, Jay asked me what the deal was with Cash, and I relayed my concerns to him. Not only about him giving me the creeps, but because I still think he had something to do with Chase’s injury. Let’s call it intuition. Since then, Jay hasn’t let me leave his side. I find it amusing that he keeps finding excuses to touch me; always friendly and innocent, but honestly it isn’t like he really needs an excuse.
He has his arm slung over my shoulders, and I find myself melting into him easily. It feels good. He feels good. I’m laughing at the story he’s telling about Fallon drawing all over herself with marker to be like Daddy and her uncles. I was telling him about Andrew trying to teach her to head bang back stage and the conversation just flowed from there.
“Jay! Jay!” We hear a girl shouting, and Jay spins around, still holding onto my shoulders tightly.
There’s a young girl, no more than fifteen or sixteen, running towards us with a CD and marker in hand. She stops just short of us out of breath.
“Will you sign this for me, please?” she asks shyly.
“Hey, sure!” he says releasing me, and smiling kindly at her. He squints his eyes a bit, studying her. “I know you, Kalli, right?” he asks, and her face lights up.
“You remembered!!!” she says.
“Yeah, of course! You came to the NYU music workshop last year. Is that right?”
“Yeah! You guys’ show was great tonight. I hope Chase feels better, but Charlie killed it! I wish I was half that good on the drums, or any instrument really.” She says.
“Thanks, hun. I’ll let her know you liked it. She was really nervous.” He writes her a note that I can’t read on the back cover before signing his name.
“Thank you so much, can I have a hug?”
“Get in here.” He holds out his arms wide and she dives into his embrace, and I find myself surprised once again by Jay and his kindness.
“Hey, Kalli, don’t go thinking you can get off that easy.” Jay chides, and she looks as perplexed as I feel about his remark, before it sinks in and recognition lights up her face. It falls almost immediately though, and she shakes her head slightly.
“Show me.” he says, and she pushes up the sleeves of the black hoodie she’s wearing, revealing rows of scars, some old and some more recent. My heart breaks, and I don’t know this girl, but I can’t help myself. I reach forward to grab her hands and pull her into a hug and walk her a few steps away, just out of Jay’s earshot.
Chapter 6
Jay:
I’m transfixed as Leni takes Kalli into her arms, and begins talking quietly in her ear. Kalli was dealing with some difficult things awhile back, and told me her story and about her battle with cutting. I had her make a promise to me that she wouldn’t do it again. Apparently, life got in the way, and she couldn’t keep her promise. I definitely know how that is, but my heart breaks for her. They go back and forth for a few minutes. Kalli is nodding and then she smiles a big smile before Leni gives her another big squeeze, and Kalli takes out her phone and hands it to Leni.
Curious, I walk over to them. “Everything ok?” I ask.
“Thank you, Leni!” Kalli says, as they both glance my direction.
“Anytime sweetheart, and you be sure to use that phone number if you need it.” Leni says.
“Hey Kalli, make another promise to me and keep it. If you send an email to our fan page, I’ll have Charlie keep a look out and next time we’re in the area I’ll be sure to get you into the show so we can see if you kept it.” I say
She squeals with delight. I love seeing my fans light up; especially young ones who are going through such a rough time.
“Thank you so much. You guys are the coolest. You have no idea what this means to me!”
“You have no idea what it means to me to have fans that buy and listen to our music. You are the reason that I get to get up on that stage and do what I love, so thank you! Are you here alone, or do you have a ride?” I ask.
She’s just a young girl, and while most of these concert goers are harmless, I still don’t like the idea of a young girl walking around alone since it’s getting dark.
“Yeah, my older sister is with me. She’s over there by the gate.” She says pointing to a girl who’s texting on her phone. She looks to be in her early twenties.
“If you need anything, Kalli, you use that number.” Leni pipes up.
“I will. Thanks again guys. This is why Fading to Light will always be my favorite band!” she says running away, heading back to her sister.
“Thank you for talking to her. I don’t know what you said or did, but that was really nice of you.” I tell Leni.
“Don’t thank me, I want to help her.” She says seriously, and I believe her. The look on her face when Kalli pushed up her sleeves wasn’t what I was expecting. Not disgust or pity, but acceptance and understanding.
“So many of our fans are teenagers and they are going through stuff. I’m so happy that our music gives them an outlet, but when they come looking for advice… I guess I’m at a loss. I mean, who am I do dole out advice when I can barely keep my own shit together, ya know?” I ask.
“I get it, but I don’t think they are looking for answers. I think they just want to belong, to be noticed by someone they admire. They just want to feel like they matter. Your music helps them more than anything by giving them an outlet, something to focus on other than bullying, school, a bad home life, pain… all that.”
I look at her for a long time, tracing every detail with my mind. She isn’t just attractive, she’s beautiful, but it’s not a shallow beauty. She’s beautiful in the way she thinks about things, and the way her eyes sparkle when she gets excited. She’s beautiful in the way she seeks to constantly comfort and care for people. Her beauty isn’t as temporary or fleeting as her looks; she’s beautiful in her soul. She wears a quiet strength that comforts me and all I want is her by my side.
I find myself drawn to her in a way that I haven’t been drawn to anyone in a long time, maybe even ever. She is the opposite of Abby in so many ways, but in good ways. She’s less formal, more introspective, softer, and I find myself craving more. For that I feel a heavy dose of guilt, but it’s undeniable that this goes beyond physical attraction. Leni has a calming effect on me; she makes me feel like everything will be ok. And God, how do I want that to be the truth.
Before I can second guess my actions, I pull her body flush against mine and plant my mouth firmly against hers. At first she’s stiff in my arms, but soon she softens into me, her hands finding their way to my back just as mine find their way up her neck so I can hold her in place. Our mouths find their own
rhythms, tongues sliding together. She tastes like mint gum and fruity chapstick and it may be my new favorite flavor in the world. She makes a small breathy sound that has me so turned on that I find myself not able to get close enough.
I let my hands trail down her back, holding her close to me, still kissing her with everything I am. I can’t remember the last time I kissed someone with this much intensity in a long time. I’m sure she can feel my arousal pressing into her. Sure, I’ve had sex since Abby. I’m not a monk, but this is the first time my body has felt alive. I don’t just want the physical release this time; the one where I don’t ask for a name or just take them in a green room backstage. I want it all… with Leni.
I want the slow tender kisses, the soft caresses, the cuddling, and whispered sentiments, the laughs, her pink hair across my pillow at night. I want…shit. I want her; I want an us. That thought alone is absolutely terrifying to me so I shut it down immediately and decide to deal with it later. I don’t know how I feel or what I want in terms of a relationship, but I do know two things for certain. I know I want Leni, and I know I’m absolutely, one hundred percent fucked.
Leni:
The way Jay kisses me; I swear I have never been kissed like this in my whole entire life. It’s like we are like bombs, both ticking down to our mutual and unavoidable explosions. My body is on fire, and I’m two seconds away from ripping my clothes off right here in the middle of the parking lot when we hear a short honk from a car horn. I’m the first to break away, my lips bruised and swollen feeling. About ten feet from where we are standing waits a van full of eager eyes with Andrew behind the wheel waving like a dad who’s picking his kids up from soccer practice. I wave back, a giggle erupting from somewhere deep inside as I bury my face in Jay’s chest, his hand tenderly placed on the back of my neck, keeping me close.
The door to the van slides open, revealing the rest of the band grinning like idiots, and I know I should be completely embarrassed, but somehow I’m not.
“Hey kids, we’ve some candy.” Brenden says, poking his head out with a creepy smile, waggling his eyebrows one at a time. Goober.
“Great, all you need to do is grow a mustache, then you’d be the total package.” I joke, and everyone has a good laugh.
***
Dinner was an absolute blast with this crew. They have this crazy family dynamic to them and I have honestly never witnessed anything like it in my life. I haven’t had a family in so long that I find it entirely fascinating, and I find myself constantly craving these types of relationships in my life. The love and memories between them makes my soul ache for something more. I could kick myself though, because just when I think I am beyond this point of needing someone else in my life to make me happy, these crazy, loving, goofy people swoop in and blindside me with their friendship.
“Yeah…well, call me surprised when she actually started drumming!” I laugh. We are talking about Charlie’s epic performance tonight.
“She really is crazy good.” Aaron admits, and Charlie blushes.
“So do you play any other instruments?” I ask her, genuinely curious.
“Yeah. I play guitar and piano too. I can play others, but those are my best.” She says confidently.
“And she can sing and write. Did you know she was one of the founding members of the band?” Jay asks.
“Guys, I’m sitting right here.” Charlie jokes.
“Yeah, we see you.” he laughs.
“I heard Jay mention that on stage. Is that how all of you met, like auditions or something?” I ask, and they all laugh like it’s the funniest question in the world.
“We all actually grew up in the same home town and went to high school together. Then by some miracle every one of us ended up going to the same college.” Charlie laughs.
“No way! That’s awesome.”
“Well it was until Charlie left the band and went to law school. She thought she was too smart to rock.” Jay teases.
“Law school? No offense, but that doesn’t really seem like your thing.” I say.
“Yeah, my best friend Abby and I had this plan.” She says wistfully, and Jay tenses up beside me.
“Well I guess it was really Abby with the plan, and me just following along. We got jobs at a big firm and everything, but after she died and I met Andrew, I started realizing that life is too short to be unhappy. Then these boys made me an offer I couldn’t refuse and the rest is history. They’re my best friends… my family so it was a no brainer.” She smiles, bouncing a sleepy Fallon on her knees.
“I’m sorry you lost your friend.”
I know how it hurts to lose people. If they’ve all been this close for this long, then I’m sure more than just Charlie lost a friend.
“Thank you.” She says, placing her hand softly over mine.
“God, Abby and her plans. Jeeze, she’d shit her pants if she could see us now. There’s no way touring like this would fit into her schedule. She had her day planner mapped out like five years in advance.” Chase jokes, leaning back in his chair with a smile.
Charlie shoots him a glare and shakes her head, before stealing a glance at Jay who has his jaw clenched, staring down into his empty dessert plate like he’s on the verge of throwing it into the wall. Before I know what happens, he pushes himself back from the table abruptly, the wooden chair legs scraping noisily across the white, honeycomb tiled floor. He begins walking towards the door.
“Shit dude, I’m sorry…you know I just say crap…” Chase says after him.
“Just stop fucking talking, man.” Jay says as he bolts from the tiny café, the glass paned door rattling on its hinges as it slams shut with a heavy thud.
“I’m so sorry, Leni.” Charlie’s face falls as she hugs Fallon to her chest and Andrew strokes her hair. Something is tugging at the corner of my mind.
“He isn’t usually like that… it’s just that Abby was-”
“Abigail…” I whisper, it all falling into place. Everything he’s said, his tattoo, his reaction. It all makes sense now.
“I’m sorry?” Charlie asks.
“Abby is Abigail, right? His tattoo on his arm?” I ask.
She’s caught a bit off guard before blowing out a heavy breath and nodding. “Yeah… but I’m just warning you that he’s still struggling with it. I’ll let him talk to you about it if he wants to, but Leni?”
“Yeah?”
“I know he likes you… like a lot. You’re the first girl he’s even paid attention to or really talked to in nearly three years.”
“I’m not really sure what to say here.” I confess.
While it is flattering that Jay clearly likes me, how do you compete with that? Obviously, it isn’t as if the relationship ended on bad terms, or that anyone fell out of love… it ended abruptly, almost frozen in time, suspended in place, dangling just out of reach. How do you compete with a love that isn’t finished yet? Why would I even try when there’s a possibility I wouldn’t measure up once again? Because he’s worth it. I ignore the little voice in my head.
“Just don’t give up on him, Leni. Charlie’s right. He’s into you, and we all approve. Just know he might push you away even if he doesn’t really want to deep down, just push back harder.” Aaron says and everyone nods in agreement. I had almost forgotten they were there after being lost in my own thoughts and struggle. I don’t know if I have anything left in me to push back harder.
Chapter 7
Jay:
I can’t get out of there quick enough. It feels like I’m suffocating, drowning in the would’ve, could’ve and should haves. Why? Why can’t I get past this? Why at the mention of Abby’s name does the breath feel like it’s stolen from my lungs? Why do I feel like I’ve been kicked in the gut? Every fucking time. I think the worst part is that I actually really like Leni. Like really like her, and I want to get to know her and spend time with her. Lennon Taylor, God, that girl is something special. I even told her as much to her face. I knew it from the very first time
I saw her. Full of light and fire, but equal parts darkness and heaviness that she wears, wrapped around her like a second skin.
The night air is cool for midsummer, with the heaviness of an impending thunderstorm looming on the horizon as the lightning flickers through the clouds. I situate myself on the bench out front, facing the nearly empty parking lot; the steady buzz from the black, farmhouse style lamps harmonizing with the crickets.
***
I spread out the blanket and light the citronella candle, the lightning flickering pink across the late spring sky. Perfection. Just like my girl.
“Jameson? You back here?” Abby’s sweet voice calls.
“Back here, Abs!” I call towards the porch.
I hear the soft footfalls.
“What are you doing?” she asks, squatting down, her blonde silky curls glowing yellow in the candle light.
“Sit, baby.”
“In the grass? It’s wet, and I’m wearing white jeans.” She scrunches up her nose in distaste. God, she’s cute.
“I have a blanket, you’ll be fine.” I say. I pull her into my lap, burying my face in her hair, inhaling the sweet scent of her perfume.
“You always smell so good.” I say nibbling on her neck, and she laughs, turning her face into mine planting kisses along my jaw.
“So I have some big news.” I say, tucking her face into my neck.
“Me too, actually.” She says, sitting up. “You first, though.”
“The band has a pretty solid summer tour lined up, but it turns out that all those contacts Charlie made, and all the demos she sent out paid off. Babe, we got some side stage spots at Warped Tour and some other pretty huge music festivals. Also, I got a call from Voltage records earlier and they want to come see some shows!” I gush.
“I want you to go on tour with us. I know you had that summer job lined up, but I figured since college was over and done and you have time, you’d want to go on a little adventure. Charlie is so freakin’ pumped.” I laugh, but I see the conflict in her eyes.