by Sarah Cole
***
“Hello again Jameson, good to see you.” Dr. Reynard greets me, gesturing for me to enter.
“Hey Dr. Reynard; you too. Thanks again for flying out to meet with me.”
I have been meeting with Dr. Reynard, a therapist from back home intermittently during this tour, as her schedule allows. I had gotten her information from Charlie quite a while ago, but it wasn’t until Leni and I were talking about making changes that it really resonated with me the fact that I absolutely needed to work my shit out. It isn’t healthy for me, or the loved ones I surround myself with on a daily basis to witness this internal war I’m waging with myself and the memories of Abby.
“Please, you can just call me Grace. I think we’re beyond formalities at this point, and it’s my pleasure. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve made special trips for my clients.” She says, and I follow her to the sitting area of her large suite.
“Please have a seat.” She says with a kind smile, twisting her dark hair at the nape of her neck before securing it.
“So would you like to pick up where we left off last time, or is there something new that you’d like to discuss?” she asks.
“I think where we left off last time will be ok, but I also wanted to touch on the anxiety issues and maybe ways to cope. You know I told you I’d met someone, and it’s starting to become…more…and I just don’t want to shut her out. You know?”
Grace studies me for a moment before answering, “I know you shut me down the last time I suggested medication, but have you given it anymore consideration? I think it could be helpful in conjunction with our meetings.”
“Grace, I’m going to be completely honest, and please don’t think this is me disregarding your expertise.”
“Please, your honesty is what helps us make progress.” She says as she slides on a pair of glasses, readying her pen. I know from what Charlie has said, she’s in her mid to late forties, but she looks much younger.
“I had a problem with substance abuse. It wasn’t for the high… just for the coping, and I’m not looking for anything else to put in my body. I’m not looking for a pick me up anymore. Drugs, meds, alcohol may have helped slightly… helped me to forget or numb it, but they didn’t fix the broken pieces. It just taped them together for a little while. I’m looking for solutions now. I want to move on.”
“Alright, I understand. We will do everything possible to help you get to a place of contentment. Now, I have to ask. Are you still having thoughts of self-harm?”
I hate answering these questions; it makes me feel like a failure or an angst laden teen. The only problem is that I’ve been holding it all in for so long that it has become this constant stabbing pain that keeps burrowing its way deeper and deeper into my bones, and I know it is time to fix it before it ruins me completely.
“Sometimes…but not as often now, and not as seriously.”
I can’t begin to explain how many times I’ve been on the brink, standing at the edge just waiting for a stiff wind to come along and give me that last little nudge to push me over. I still can’t help but to think about how much easier it would be to call it quits, just to put an end to it. Then if I think about it long enough my mind wanders to Charlie, to Fallon, to the guys and all our fans… I can’t do that to them, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to die; I just want to live.
“Why do you think that is?” Dr. Grace prompts.
“I guess I’m just finding that there might be more to live for now.”
“You’re talking about Leni?”
“Yeah, I suppose. I mean, she’s so strong and has been through a lot herself, and it makes me think that maybe I can move on too. Then I see Charlie and Andrew together, and I see the family they are creating and I know that I want that in my future. I want a family and kids, I’m just terrified.”
“You’re scared because of what happened with Abby.” Grace states plainly.
“Yeah. How do you let yourself love so completely and openly when it is so easily taken away?”
“I don’t know. I can’t answer that for you, but I can tell you that the human heart and head are strong, Jay. They can endure the greatest of pain, and they do survive. You just have to let yourself take that risk. You have to be willing to choose living over fear and doubt.” She says before writing something in her notebook.
“I don’t know where to begin. I want to let go and move on. I can feel myself slipping and falling for Leni, but I just keep reeling myself back in. It’s like my heart wants and knows one thing, but my head won’t concede and let me fall completely. It’s like I’m bungie jumping. I jumped and I fell over the edge willingly, but now I’m just dangling – still connected to what I left behind, if that makes sense.”
“It does.” She nods, “Why? Why do you feel you can’t let go, or rather, what do you think is holding you back?”
“Everything I haven’t said… Everything I can’t force myself to say.”
“Do you want to talk to me about that? You can start anywhere you’d like.” She says.
“I lost everything. My everything.” I say softly, almost a whisper.
I clear the emotion out of my throat, and then I force myself to finally open up and say the things out loud that haunt me and plague my daily thoughts.
Chapter 11
Leni:
The dip of the mattress behind me pulls me from my dreamless sleep. I don’t need to look because I already know its Jay. Over the past few weeks, I’ve come to memorize the most insignificant, yet meaningful things about him. Things like the way he always smells like fresh laundry and citrusy soap, how his smile is lopsided except for when he’s laughing, what his footsteps sound like when he’s sneaking up behind me, and the way he plucks at his guitar, conjuring up melodies that will rock your soul from thin air.
“Where have you been?” I ask, my voice rough.
“Shh, just go back to sleep. I just went out for a bit. We still have a couple hours before we need to be at the venue for the show.” He says, reminding me that I still have a mile-long list of work that I need to get done today.
He wraps me in his arms, and I melt into him. Just like I knew he would, he smells like fresh air and laundry.
“Has Charlie been doing your laundry again?” I giggle and roll over to face him.
“How’d you know?” he asks. His lips pull into a quirky smile as I brush his hair off his face. I see that his eyes are completely red rimmed and bloodshot. My chest tightens at the sight, but I push the nagging feeling away for now just to be content in his arms.
“Because it smells like citrus and cedar, and I know which fabric softener she uses because I borrowed it.” I laugh again.
“Ok, guilty.” He sighs, “But have you ever actually felt her laundry? It’s like living in clouds; I’m not kidding. I swear to you Leni, in addition to her being a genius, Charlie is like some sort of a domestic sorceress or something.”
I laugh because I know exactly what he is talking about. “I know… I seriously don’t understand it. She has some sort of super power. Like she can get stains out of anything, and thanks to her I can now make my own granola bars with only five organic ingredients.”
We have a good laugh. “You know, if we leave now and beg her, I bet she’d make us dinner.” He nuzzles into my neck sending goosebumps down my arms.
“You do realize this is a hotel, right?” I kiss the top of his head, the long part of his hair pulled back in a hair tie.
“Their suites always have a kitchenette since they have Fallon, but this one has a cooktop and stuff too!” He’s so excited.
“Well then we better get a move on.” I say starting to slide out of the bed, but before I can get too far, his arms pull me back.
“I like you in my bed. You should stay here.”
“I thought you wanted dinner.”
“I could eat you for dinner.” He suggests.
“Nice try buster, but you had me earlier and now I want food.�
�
“Fine!” he huffs, “Let me text her, and tell her we’re coming up. Last time I forgot to text I walked in on something that I can’t un-see.”
Of course, Charlie was more than accommodating when we showed up in their suite, making us some sautéed chicken and vegetables with an awesome white wine sauce and wild rice. We got to eat and play with Fallon for a little bit, before we all had to head out to the venue for the show.
I had to part ways with everyone earlier and meet with Gordon on some vendor and security contractor changes for the tour, but now I’m helping the sound and lighting technicians double check everything for FTL after Bleeding Vengeance’s set. There’s always so much to do in such a short amount of time, that I feel like I’m running in overdrive every time I’m at a show.
I finish confirming that everything is set and ready when I feel Jay come up behind me, spinning me around so we are chest to chest. He looks at me for a moment, his eyes roaming all over my face, and then he leans in placing the sweetest of kisses on my lips.
“What was that for?” I ask, breathily.
“Because you’re amazing.” He smiles a brilliant lopsided smile for me, causing butterflies to erupt inside my stomach, and I feel my cheeks strain from smiling so wide, myself.
“How’s your head, babe? You good?” he asks, rubbing the side of my head gently where I smacked it earlier.
I wince at the sharp pain, and concern mars his face. I had honestly forgotten about it until now, but now I realize I do have a major headache.
“I’m fine; just a headache. Good luck out there.” I say, raising up on my toes a bit to kiss his cheek.
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
“Yes, Jay. I’m good. I can handle a little pain.” I say, immediately regretting my choice of words since he looks doubly concerned now. I know what he’s thinking about, and it makes me cringe.
“Ok, well just don’t overdo anything and take it easy. Just do me a favor and stick close to Andrew and Charlie just in case.”
“Okay…” I say, and he taps my nose with his forefinger, before grabbing his guitar and running out on stage with it held above his head.
As usual the crowd erupts in a near deafening roar as Fading to Light takes the stage, and I can’t help but to scream out my own cheer for them from side stage. Jay looks in my direction, smiling and letting out a laugh like a little kid on Christmas and it makes me so happy to see him come to life under these blinding lights. This is his happy place. I blow him a kiss, and he pretends to catch it by jumping up in the air and then he does what only Jay would do and rubs my air kiss down the front zipper of his jeans before stowing it in his pocket. I snort in laughter and he winks at me suggestively before turning back to the crowd.
“Whew! Is it hot in here or what?!” he laughs, shooting another glance my way, and I hear female fans randomly yelling about how he’s hot and it gives me a smug sense of satisfaction knowing that I’m the one he chose.
“How the hell are you Salt Lake City?!” he yells. “We are Fading to Light, and we want to hear you make some fucking noise tonight! Let’s get those circle pits going! This song is called Consequences!”
Brenden and Chase start it off by laying a heavy base line and drum beat and then Aaron and Jay layer in the lead and rhythm guitars, and before I know it I’m lost in the music, lost in the lyrics, and lost in Jay watching him unfold and come to life.
***
The past week and a half have been nearly perfect. When we haven’t been working, Jay and I have pretty much spent every waking moment together just getting to know everything about one another. I honestly don’t remember the last time I was so happy. I’m fairly certain that I have talked more to Jay in the past week than I did to my ex-husband in the entire last year of our marriage. It seems natural and effortless opening up to him. It’s like we understand each other on the most basic level and communicate even when the words can’t be said aloud. He understands my heart. I haven’t mentioned everything about my past yet, but I feel like that isn’t something that can just be brought up out of the blue. The conversation has to happen organically, but once it does happen, I’ll finally be able to breathe knowing that all of the skeletons are out of my closet and there’s nothing to hide from anymore.
I find myself once again losing my train of thought, letting them drift to Jay and how I’m struggling to conceal how much he means to me every time we’re together. I decide that I need to get to work on a marketing summary that I have been putting off for far too long when there’s a knock on the bus door. I open it to find Jay standing there in a pair of athletic shorts and a thermal pullover with a baseball cap on his head.
“Hey beautiful.” He says, and I smile.
“Hey yourself, come on in. I was just getting ready to dive into the wonderfully exciting world of marketing.”
He climbs the three steps, following me back into the small seating area, leaning against the tiny quartz counter top.
“As thrilling as that sounds, I think I have a proposition that my sway you into spending a few hours with me.” he says with a sly smile.
“Oh? And what’s that? You have me intrigued, Mr. Collins.”
“Hiking.”
“Hiking?” I ask.
“Yeah, we’re surrounded by trails here. Thought maybe you’d like to get away from all the noise and chaos for just a bit and have some alone time to just unwind.”
We’re in Denver at the Red Rocks amphitheater for tonight’s show. I’ve only been here once a long time ago, and I only vaguely remember the hiking, but it sounds like just what I need to relax a bit.
“That actually sounds really nice.” I say, and he pulls me into a warm hug, kissing my hair.
“Should I change or is this ok?” I ask, eyeing my tank top and leggings.
“Yeah, that’s good. Just wear some tennis shoes and make sure you grab a jacket or something. It’s actually kind of windy out there today.”
We walk hand in hand for a while, not saying much of anything, but rather just enjoying the calm and each other’s company. We stop to take a drink and he pulls me into his arms, holding me… just holding me, and I know that I have never felt so safe, so complete in my life that I can remember. He holds on to me and looks at me like I’m his lifeline, and I can’t say that I don’t feel the same way about him.
“I love you.” I say suddenly, but unapologetically. I’m not sure that I even meant to say it out loud, but my mouth tends to not get the memo when it comes to things like this. I wish it wouldn’t have come out so abruptly, but what’s done is done and it honestly feels liberating to say out loud what I’ve been feeling inside for a little while now.
“How do you know that?” he finally responds after what feels like an unnaturally long period of time, in my mind.
“That I love you?” I ask, and he nods slowly.
There are a million tiny reasons and several major reasons I love this man, but I feel like I’m treading on eggshells here because I still don’t know exactly how this conversation is going to go. Am I going to wind up rejected, or will he just accept the fact that I feel this way and we can pretend like nothing has changed between us? Can that even happen after that bombshell? I don’t have the answers so I decide to just say what I feel and not dive too much into the details for fear of giving away how deep I’m in this already.
“I look at you and I just know. I know because it’s a feeling I’ve felt before, but different this time… it’s more. It’s comfort and this feeling of rightness. It’s one of the simplest things I’ve done in my life; effortless even, but it terrifies me. You have no idea, Jay. I don’t want to get hurt like that again. I can’t…”
He looks me in the eyes with an unwavering gaze, green eyes locking with my gray, and he does the simplest thing, but it cracks my whole world wide open. He kisses me. It’s gentle at first, but turns into a passionate embrace that leaves us both breathless and needing.
We break apart, the bre
eze blowing my hair across my face. He reaches up to brush it out of my eyes for me, the gesture simple and sweet.
“I think I love you too, Leni. No… wait! Shit. I know I’m screwing this up.” He says in frustration as he readjusts his baseball cap so its backwards and I can see his face without obstruction. I see the turmoil that sits just beneath the surface. I see the emotion and I feel for him.
He begins again, taking both of my hands in his, almost as if he’s pleading with me.
“I know I love you. So much, Leni, and you’re right… It’s completely effortless, but scary as fuck. I have no idea what I’m doing now, and I’m terrified of losing everything. I don’t know how to do this, and I don’t want to hurt you. I never want to hurt you.” He says, as he pulls me close once more. I know he’s holding back from me out of fear, and I get it. I really do, but we still have yet to put a label on what we have going on between us. That makes me scared because I crave the security that a relationship title brings.
Jay:
My stomach is in knots as I hold Leni against my chest. I know without a doubt that I love her; that I’m in love with her. I’m pretty sure a part of me loved her when she gave me attitude the first time I saw her. Loving her was never the problem, because loving Lennon Jane Taylor is pretty much as automatic as singing along to your favorite song. It happens without you even thinking about it or realizing it and before you know it, you’re lost in its magic. She brings out the best parts of me, the light parts and somehow finds a way to pull me from the dark on a daily basis since she came into my life.
The part that has me torn up is moving on and letting go of all the fears that I still hold inside. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t made progress, because I have. This would never have happened a few months ago. Me admitting to loving someone that wasn’t Abby would have been unheard of, but here I stand staring out at the red rocky landscape with the most perfect girl in my arms and I’m happy. I’m actually one hundred percent happy with Leni. That is what frightens me. I’m happy, and I know without a doubt that I could grow old and love Leni for the rest of my life, but putting a label on it, making her my girlfriend… fuck, my wife even, makes it real. And when something is real, it means so much more to you if you lose it.