by Sarah Cole
We catch a cab back to the trendy boutique hotel we are staying at, only arriving fifteen minutes late. We quickly walk through the lobby, Jay wrapping his arm around me protectively, doing his best to shield me from the small grouping of photographers. We still aren’t too sure why they are here or how they got tipped off, but ever since the incident at Red Rocks, the media has been all over every single move that Fading to Light makes. Jay and Charlie have been contacted countless times for exclusive interview and photoshoots and endorsements for Jay, but one thing that they have all been adamant about is keeping everything about the fans and the music. Jay and I had a talk about everything I disclosed to him, and he assured me that all of my secrets were safe. In all actuality, I don’t care about me or what hurts my Uncle, but I know for certain that if those stories got out, Jay or I would end up missing within the week.
As we walk through the wood and frosted glass doors to the hotel restaurant, I spot Charlie laughing with a beautiful woman with a white blonde pixie cut. They both see us at the same time, and Charlie bolts up, running towards us, pulling us into a group hug.
“I missed you guys so much, and I’m so happy you’re home!” she gushes, and I pull away, spotting her growing baby bump. Only Charlie could make pregnancy look like a fashion statement with ripped skinny jeans, peeped toed booties, and a slouchy t-shirt.
“We missed you too, Thumper.” Jay says.
“Look at you, girl! I have no idea how that little butterball in there grew so fast in just three weeks!” I laugh.
“Twenty-one weeks! We’re over halfway there now!” she laughs, patting her belly, as Laney approaches.
“You must be Laney! It’s so nice to actually meet you in person.” I say, holding out my hand to greet her, but instead she pulls me into a tight, death grip of a hug. I look over her shoulder at Charlie and Jay who are snickering.
“Just go with it.” Charlie mouths.
“I can hear you two back there laughing.” Laney jokes.
“It’s nice to meet you too, Leni. I’m so excited for today! We have it all planned out. We’re going to have a girls’ day!” she continues.
“Aaand, that’s my queue to leave you beautiful ladies alone.” Jay says, checking his watch.
“But I thought you were going to stay for lunch.” Charlie says, eyeing him skeptically.
“I actually have someplace to be, but do me a favor, and take good care of my girl today.” He says, placing a sweet kiss on my cheek. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Laney’s eyes widen in surprise at his gesture, and look at Charlie who just smiles and nods in response.
“I’ll see you guys later tonight.” He says, before turning to leave.
“Bye.” We all say in unison, but I can’t help but to feel a little disappointed at his departure.
***
“So are you super pumped to find out the gender tonight?” I ask Charlie as the three of us girls get our nails done. We all opted for a spa day, then some shopping. I haven’t had a chance to shop all summer, so I’m in heaven and Charlie is on the hunt for maternity clothing.
“Oh, my goodness! Andrew and I almost changed our minds last week when we were getting the ultrasound. I was chomping at the bit, but in reality, I could go all the way without finding out because I am just so insanely grateful to have even been given this. I wasn’t even supposed to be able to have Fallon, let alone another baby so my heart is just so full.” She says, her eyes tearing up.
“I’m so happy for you, girl. You and Andrew were made to be parents.” Laney says, sending her best friend a sweet smile. Laney is hysterical and the moment we met in person it was like we’d been friends forever. It was the same with Charlie, Jay and the band. We all just fit together, and I don’t think that I have ever felt like such a part of something.
“I’m super jealous you know what the gender is!” I say to Laney, sticking out my tongue. She shoots me a huge grin behind her perfectly made up red lips. Laney is a hairstylist, but also runs a successful fashion blog, so she is the epitome of trendiness. Not a hair is out of place in her perfectly platinum pixie cut, and her makeup is flawless. Yet, she is one of the funniest, sweetest girls I know.
“No kidding.” Charlie huffs, and we all laugh.
The rest of the day is spent laughing and drinking (mock tails for Charlie), massages, facials, blowouts and makeup. Then we hit up some of Charlie and Laney’s favorite boutiques before heading back to the hotel. We decided since the week is so busy, we’d just have the party on the rooftop terrace of the hotel Jay and I were staying at. It had great views and the catering menu they offer, has a ton of tasty selections.
Charlie and I pull up to the valet station of the hotel in her sleek white SUV. Laney had to go finish some final preparations for tonight and pick up her fiancé, Parker, from the airport. Just as I’m ready to pull the handle to let myself out I spot Jay on the sidewalk in front of the hotel with a pretty brunette in a pant suit. She grabs his hand and they smile at each other, and I feel like the bottom just fell out of my boat. Not again… this seriously cannot happen to me twice in my life.
“You coming Len?” Charlie jokes, but I barely hear her because right now I’m focused solely on the site of Jay with another woman in front of me.
“Yeah… Charlie?” I ask, my voice sounding as broken as I feel.
“What? What’s wrong?” Her brows crease with worry.
“Who’s that?” I ask, motioning off to the side where Jay and the woman are still standing closely, way too cozy for my liking.
“Oh hmm…” Charlie says, “That’s Dr. Reynard, or Dr. Grace. She’s my therapist, but also a good friend. I wonder what she’s doing here.” She says, heading off in their direction.
Jay looks up when he sees Charlie coming, and our eyes meet. His face goes ashen for a second before recovering his smile and he waves me over.
Chapter 15
Jay:
Well, shit! The jig is up. I thought I could keep this from Charlie until I was absolutely ready, and I honestly never even wanted Leni to find out. I never wanted her to know how broken I was until I was fixed. I know that seeing a therapist isn’t anything to be ashamed of per say, but it also makes me feel weak and completely vulnerable. Two things you as a man, never want to feel, or never want your woman to see you as; especially when you have a woman like Leni who deserves someone that is strong and stable.
“Hey Dr. Grace!” Charlie says, giving the woman in front of me a hug.
“Hello Charlotte, long time no see! Wow, look at you. I saw Andrew the other day at work, and he told me you were expecting again. Congratulations, honey!” she says, smiling brightly at my best friend.
“Hey babe.” I say to Leni as she strolls up behind Charlie. I can see the reluctance, and I hope she really didn’t get the wrong impression because she kind of looks like she’s plotting my murder.
I reach out for her, and she willingly comes into my embrace, which is a relief, but I still feel how tense she is.
“Leni, this is my therapist, Dr. Grace Reynard. Dr. Grace, this is Lennon Taylor.” I introduce.
I feel kind of like a dick not giving Leni a title like girlfriend or at the very least, friend, but we haven’t discussed it and I don’t really know what to do. I don’t want to piss her off, so I just opt for nothing. Dr. Grace knows who and what she is to me. She’s so much more than a friend, or a girlfriend even. She’s everything, but the last time I went doling out labels, I lost it all. The moto I’ve been living by for the past three years is ‘You can’t lose something you don’t have.’
“Lennon, so nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you!” Dr. Grace says, offering out her hand and Leni takes it.
“Nice to meet you, as well. I wish I could say I’d heard about you, but to be truthful, this is the first time.” She says, and I can hear the slight bite to her words.
“Well I promise, only good things were said.” Dr. Grace winks at her.
“Well t
hat’s a relief.” Leni jokes, and I and feel the ice queen front she’s putting on, thaw a little.
“I know this is a bit unconventional, and maybe even unprofessional of me, but what the heck? I’m going to do it anyways because you are all so close, and Jay already signed a waiver saying I could discuss things with the both of you.” Dr. Grace starts, and I already know what she is going to say because she has been hounding me about this for the past month.
“Charlie, since you are here… Jay and I have been working through some things, but I really think it’d be beneficial to him and to you to come in and work through everything together. Like a family session of sorts.”
“Well, I can tell by your face that he hasn’t mentioned a word to you about this.” Dr. Grace finishes knowingly, giving me a stern look. I feel like I’m ten years old and getting in trouble in the principal’s office.
“Yeah, you’re totally right. Not a word from this one.” Charlie jabs me with her elbow, giving me an accusatory look, and I shrug my innocence.
“Well, I know your schedules are packed, but I do have a couple hours open right before lunch tomorrow, if that would work for you guys? I think it’d be best to do this before Jay leaves for Europe.”
She looks between Charlie and I, and I know that there is no going back now. Might as well just rip the bandage off and get it over with.
“Sure. Since it’s Saturday, Andrew is off and all our family is in town so we have a sitter covered. Is that OK with you?” Charlie asks me, and I nod. The nerves are already knotting in my stomach. I know I don’t really have a choice now.
“Great! I will see you two in the morning at ten! Very nice to meet you, Leni. Here’s my card if you ever want to talk.” She says, handing Leni a crisp ivory colored card on expensive card stock.
“Thank you. It was nice meeting you too.” Leni replies, nodding her head. Dr. Grace turns to leave and we watch her retreating form as Leni sighs heavily, dropping her head in defeat. Her pink curls fall into her eyes, and I instantly reach to brush them away.
“I’m sorry.” I say, gazing into those gray eyes.
“I just didn’t want to talk about it, and I wanted to get all my shit together and sorted before I unloaded it all on you.” I say sincerely. As much as I hate this, I refuse to lie to Leni.
She exhales loudly, and I notice that Charlie has walked away to give us some privacy. Bless her.
“It’s OK, Jay. It just caught me off guard, and I had all sorts of stuff running through my mind when I saw you with her out here…” she trails off, running her newly manicured fingers through her hair.
“Like?” I prompt.
“God, it sounds so dumb and insecure, but I guess I’m that girl. I might always be that girl that assumes the worst.” She shakes her head, looking off in the distance over my shoulder. Every time a conversation gets rough, I notice she won’t look you in the eyes. But I suppose it’s just her way of managing, just like I deflect with humor.
“Look at me, Leni.” And she does. “Nothing about what you feel is dumb. Just talk to me.” I say.
“Oh, you mean like how you talk to me.” she snaps, and I wince at the harshness in her words, but I know that I deserve it. She has been nothing but forthcoming and honest about every dark part of her past, and I can barely share the same courtesy without losing my damn mind. I may not lie to her, but I sure as hell know how to withhold.
“Sorry, that was a low blow. I didn’t mean it.” She apologizes, finally looking at me. I can see her eyes are glazed with tears and it cuts me to the core the fact that I helped put them there.
“Yeah, you did. That’s ok though, because you’re right. It’s time I started talking, but please just let me have this conversation with Charlie tomorrow, first. Then we can sit down and talk about it. She just deserves to hear it all first.”
“I can do that. I’m sorry I just… when I saw you standing out here with Dr. Grace, my mind immediately went back to what happened with Sam and it threw me off a bit.” She admits, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Oh baby…” I soothe, pulling her into my chest. It is undeniable the soothing effect she has on me, and I on her. It’s like we are the two halves that make a whole, and just having her near seems to help both of us.
“Leni, you have to know that I wouldn’t ever jeopardize what we have. I wouldn’t do that to you, and anyone who would is an idiot. You are too special, and what we have is too precious to throw away.” I stress, and I mean every word of it. I would never cheat on a woman, let alone someone who is as wonderful as she is.
“What do we have, Jay?”
“What do you mean, ‘What do we have?’”
“I mean, what is this? What are we to each other?” she cries taking a step away from me motioning back and forth between us, and immediately I am mourning the feeling of her body next to mine.
She continues, “Maybe you’re OK with sitting in limbo, but I need something… anything! Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? Are we friends with benefits? Are we just fuck buddies? I need the reassurance of some sort of title if we are going to keep doing this, because not knowing what we’re doing here is killing me, Jameson.”
I’m honestly dumbfounded. I don’t know what to say, or what she wants me to say in this moment to make it better because I know I can’t. I can’t say what I really feel, or why I feel that way, not yet. I can only try to reassure her that she isn’t just some way for me to pass my time.
“Leni, I don’t know how to answer that… or if I can answer that right now, and I’m sorry. You are so much more to me than a friend, or a fuck buddy. Don’t degrade yourself like that, Sunshine. You are extraordinary. You light me up in ways I never knew existed. I love you, Leni. I do, but I can’t put a label on it; on us. It isn’t fair to you, when I don’t even know how much I’m capable of giving at this point. I won’t do that to you until I’m sure of myself and my feelings about everything.” I say, reaching for her hand, but she pulls away just out of reach. It hurts, and I hate that it hurts.
“Alright. I’m going to go up and help Charlie get ready. I just need some time to think.” She nods, and starts to turn on her heel towards the door. She never walks away from me…
“Leni.” She stops, but doesn’t turn around to face me. “Don’t give up on me. Please…” I can hear the pleading in my own voice, and I only hope she hears it too.
Leni:
I can’t turn around. I want to, but I don’t want him to see the tears. I’ve worked so hard to become this strong, independent woman and I feel like showing weakness in this situation would just demolish all of the effort I’ve put in over the past year. Doesn’t it suck that as a woman, you feel like showing emotion automatically equates to weakness in the eyes of so many? If they only knew. I go and find Charlie in her suite where we spend the next couple hours, getting ready and chit chatting. I know she knows something is off, but she doesn’t ask, and I’m grateful.
The party is beautiful with giant white balloons floating high in the air, attached with gold, silver, and white colored tassels. There are gold floating lanterns in the pool, and a beautiful glittered banner. The city lights and skyline provide the prettiest backdrop, making the basic white theme pop. I have busied myself with random tasks to keep my hands and my brain occupied for the past hour or so. I have been stealing glances at Jay all evening long as he talks with friends and family, and I can see he has a drink in hand which is completely uncharacteristic of him. We have yet to approach each other, but I think that he is wise enough to know that after the conversation we had earlier, I need a little bit of space.
I know we reciprocate each other’s’ feelings, and I know he doesn’t want to give up what we have. But I’m just not sure if I can be strung along like this. I have spent far too long trying to build myself up, and I know what I want and deserve. I want a family. I want someone who values my needs as much as their own, and someone who is reliable and trustworthy. I want someone who loves me just
as much, if not more, than I love them. With Jay, I don’t know if that will ever happen. I’m terrified because I know I’m in love with him. So much so, that there’s this ache when he isn’t next to me, but if I let it continue, I know my feelings will mature and deepen, whereas I’m not sure what to expect on his side.
Another hour passes without so much as a hello from Jay, and even though I know I’m supposed to be staying strong, I can’t help the sadness that invades every thought. I’m playing hide and seek with Fallon while we wait for everyone to gather round for the gender reveal.
“Gotcha!” I say, swinging the sweet little girl up in my arms as she squeals with delight.
“Do it again!” she demands, and I swear if I could kidnap her, I would.
“She likes you, usually she’s shy around people.” A voice says from behind me, and I don’t need to turn around to know who it belongs to. I’m not even sure if I want to turn around at this point. Jay’s state of intoxication is apparent in his words, and this is all too familiar for me, and not in a good way.
“You’re drunk.” I say, putting Fallon on my hip.
“I’m not. You’re just really blurry.” He drawls out, slurring one word into the next.
“Right.” I say, not really willing to engage him in this state. I know all too well, how many things can be said that can’t be unsaid or how this could escalate quickly when alcohol is involved. I’ve seen it countless times with my Uncle, then again with Sam.
“There are two of you. More for me to love and squeeze! You look schmexy in that pink dress, babe. It matches your hair. Like a big, sexy cotton candy. You’d look pretty with my baby.” He reaches for my stomach, and when I step back, he stumbles forward a bit. Luckily there is a low patio sectional there, waiting to catch his fall.