by M. J. Fields
I leaned over and whispered, “Do I still have to be quiet?”
“Yes.” She scowled at me.
“Maybe Zandor should know everything, Rebekah….”
“I know enough, thank you.”
“Does he know you’re pregnant?”
She looked between her father and buzz cut. “I am not.”
“Did you have an abortion?”
“She said she wasn’t pregnant asshole, so I suggest you…”
“Please, Zandor, just don’t.”
“When I spoke to Kathy she said she heard you were and that maybe you weren’t sure who the father was.”
I stood up. “Let’s go, Bekah.”
I pulled out her chair and she stood. “Rebekah, if you’re carrying my child, I deserve to know.”
“He’s right, Rebekah,” the Colonel snapped at her.
“Let’s be realistic here for a moment, shall we? After you fucked Kathy and God only knows who else while I was at college, I decided what was good for you was good for me. So the chances of you being the father to any child of mine would have been, oh I don’t know one in about fifteen.”
“You little slut!” Buzz cut yelled.
“Sir, you gonna let him fucking talk to her like that?”
“Zandor, really, save your breath.” she huffed. “Dex, when I confronted you what exactly was it you said to me? Oh yeah, please don’t tell your father.”
“Of course I didn’t want him to know I messed up. It was between you and me,” Buzz cut snapped at her again,
“The only reason I knew was because I drove three hours home because you said you were sick and couldn’t make it to see me!” Bekah was pissed.
“I needed someone here, Rebekah, but you had to go away to school. I needed you here!” he pounded his one good hand on the table.
“So before that, when I was seventeen and you were twenty two, when we were sneaking around behind my father’s back and you were sneaking it to anyone who would have it, did you need me then too, Dex? I told you months ago I was done!”
“Then you fucked me again and wound up knocked up and have no idea who the father is.”
“Bekah, let’s go.” I grabbed her hand.
Buzz cut rounded the table and the Colonel sat back enjoying the fucking show.
“You leave, civilian. I’m not done with her yet.” Then the motherfucker poked me in the chest.
I grabbed him by his throat and threw his back against the wall. “You need to show some respect to Bekah and you better never fucking lay a finger on me again.”
“Steel, it’s time for you to leave!”
“Okay, Colonel Sanders, now you show a pair of balls but when your seventeen year old is getting fucked by this piece of shit you do nothing! When he speaks to her like that you say nothing! Bekah, get your mother-fucking boots on and let’s go before I pinch this shitbag’s head off!”
She pulled my hand away from him and stood between us. “Don’t. Please don’t.”
“Get your shit from your room and let’s jet.” I was shaking I was so pissed.
“Are you or are you not pregnant, Rebekah?”
“No! I had a miscarriage. I was barely even pregnant! So no! Now GET OUT!”
“You two need to talk about this, Rebekah, you and I need to talk about this.” Colonel mustard was holding his chest. “This isn’t the first time you’ve had a scare now is it? The last one cost me my God Damn…”
He sat down, clenching his chest.
Pure panic flooded her face. “Daddy, don’t. Okay, I’ll talk to him.”
“Get Steel off this base before I press…”
“Zandor, I’m sorry…” She ran into the kitchen and came back with water and a pill. “Here, Daddy.”
He swallowed down the pill and sat back.
“I’ll call the EMT’s sir.” Buzz cut went into the kitchen.
“NO! A regular hospital, I don’t need the attention!”
“Yes sir.” Dex looked at me. “You need to leave. Rebekah, we need to get him to the hospital now.”
“Zandor, I’m sorry. Please, I’m sorry.”
She walked to the door and I followed. “I’ll follow you.”
“No don’t, just go okay?”
“Will you call me?”
“Yes, when things calm down. I’m so sorry.”
She shut the door and I was the one doing the walk of shame.
~
It had been five hours and still nothing from her. I wanted to call to see how she was but didn’t want to interrupt if things had gone from bad to worse. But I was nervous as hell. She got beat up real bad by those fucks this morning.
I lay back in the bed and turned on the radio, Little Talks was playing. I never was one to really listen to a song that wasn’t upbeat or sexual but now, well shit had changed and I had a sick-ass feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I sat up and grabbed the phone book and looked in the yellow pages for hospitals. I wanted to call them all. Go right down the list but what would I say? Hey did Colonel Mustard pull through because if he did then he was gonna get whacked in the hospital with a fucking bed pan?
Hello My Old Heart
Bekah
What a nightmare, what a fucking nightmare. I was sitting outside the emergency room door waiting to see if yet again I caused my father to have a heart attack. Mom told me you couldn’t cause such things but Dad was adamant that it was because of what I had done when it had happened the first time.
I was seventeen and pregnant. Yep, I was, and no I didn’t keep the child that was growing inside of me. I couldn’t. My high school boyfriend and I had broken up because he was a cheater and I did just what I did with Dex, I fucked around to get back at him. I suppose it was to fill a void, lose myself in the moment. I don’t know. I have one hundred and one excuses, none make me feel better. None were clear until the “Diet”. I gave myself time to reflect and I had gone and thrown that all out the window with Zandor.
I remember being at Nicole’s and pissing on that stick and crying. What would everyone think, what would it do to my family…to me? The worst part was that I didn’t tell anyone except my best friends, Nicole and Kathy. Nicole took me to the clinic in Florida, Dad was stationed there at the time. I was scared, so was Nicole. But she was there for me.
Kathy ended up telling her parents. Her father was my father’s commanding officer. Her excuse was she was scared for me. I wasn’t angry at her–then. The blind leading the blind as my father said when he found out. Right before he told me that I was a little whore and slapped me across the face. My mother stepped between us and screamed at him and he told her she disgusted him.
I remember sobbing that night as I lay bleeding in my bed. My father was screaming at my mother that I had just fucked up his life. That I would probably be the reason he didn’t get promoted. She wasn’t one to cross him, but she did that night. She told him that I was in trouble and didn’t feel I could come to them. I remember her crying and wanting to hug her and say I do trust you, I’m sorry, Momma. But he told her it was her that I didn’t trust, she was the mother and her duties were taking care of her children, the house, and when he wanted her she was to be available. He told her that she had already fucked up with Chris, and now me. He also told her that she was slacking on the housework and he was disgusted by her so she wouldn’t be needed in that way either.
Chris had graduated from high school and was away at college. He never came home, and I couldn’t blame him. He and Mom talked every day and he and I talked at least once a week.
We transferred here right after that all happened. My father insisted that I attend every event with him saying he needed to keep an eye on me. I even attended dinners that Mom normally would but he didn’t ask her anymore. That’s how I met Dex.
It was right in the middle of my senior year when Mom told me she was leaving and wanted me to come, too. I heard their fight that night and he forbade her from taking me with her. I also heard him call her a s
lut and a whore and then she left.
I told mom I wanted to stay until I finished school. She understood and we talked every day.
Dad had a heart attack two weeks later. I watched as he collapsed on the floor clutching his chest. He lived obviously, but made it very known that his health issues were brought on by my brother, my mother’s, and my actions.
I turned eighteen and Dex asked his permission to date me. Dad gave his blessing and warning, asking that he keep a firm handle on me. That he did. He reminded me of my father. It was his way or no way at all.
When I made the decision to go away for college, he was pissed. So was Dad. But I was an adult now. This was my life. Dad was better about it knowing I had Dex. He said it was of some comfort knowing that I wouldn’t be away acting like a whore.
The nurse showed us to the room they would be bringing Dad to. I sat in a chair and looked around the room. Dad was having a dye test, and Dex was staring at me from across the room. I looked away from him. I hated him, hated that I trusted him with everything and didn’t see that he was a mirror image of my father. Just another man in my life who took control.
He knelt in front of me. “We need to figure this out.”
He reached out and rubbed my cheek. A year ago that’s what he did that gave me comfort when I wanted to run away from this place. I looked up into his eyes and took his hand and slowly pulled it way from my face.
“I’m here to make sure if he is dying, he’s not alone.” I sat back and crossed my arms giving him the best blank stare I could.
“When I fell and broke my arm, I thought of you.”
I looked away. “This isn’t about…”
“I thought about what it would be like having a child with you, and being a family.”
My stomach immediately got that feeling. The one where everything feels empty and then the burn builds and moves up your throat filling your chest with fire and then everything comes seeping out in liquid form from your eyes. Yes crying, but it’s so much more than that. It’s emotional pain overflowing inside of you. It’s frustration and embarrassment. It’s feeling like you can never do anything to please anyone, and it’s wondering when you would stop fucking up and hurting everyone around you. It was that feeling like when you look in the mirror and you want to smash it just so you’d stop seeing the reflection of the person you’ve become.
I hated that person. I hated the person who aborted a baby because I wanted to hurt someone so much that I fucked everyone I could and had no idea whose child I was carrying. I couldn’t keep a child, no matter how much I wanted to because it would crush everyone. I believed it would, and I was right. But what did I do? I went and got pregnant again. Yes, I was on the pill and no, I didn’t know that antibiotics would make it less effective. But I did know whose baby that was. I used a condom with everyone else except him, he didn’t like them. How fucking stupid was I to trust that he didn’t have some disease and how lucky was I that I didn’t get one. I wasn’t going to abort that baby--I wasn’t. But look what happened when I decided to keep it, even God knew I wasn’t worthy enough to be trusted with a child. I still hate that person so very much.
I was wrapped in Dex’s arms and he was rubbing my back as I cried into his neck. As angry as I was at him, he was comforting me. He smelled like he always did, clean, like dryer sheets, and his strong arms where holding me together, just like they had at the beginning of our relationship.
“I love you, Rebekah. I fucked up but I love you so much still.”
I pulled away and sat back and wiped my eyes and looked away from him at the door.
“Let me fix this, okay?”
I shook my head no and stood as the nurses wheeled Dad in. He was asleep.
One looked at me and motioned to the hall, Dex followed me out.
“We’re going to have to put a couple stents in his heart tomorrow, two arteries are ninety percent clogged. Your father is aware. He asked for something to make him sleep. You’ve been here for ten hours. Go home, his catheterization isn’t until nine tomorrow morning, come back at seven. He was kind of miserable, so I’m sure he wants to sleep through the night.”
“Thank you.” I walked back in the room and looked at him.
He looked so much older than he had even six months ago. Weaker, more hollow? I couldn’t explain it.
“Let me take you home Rebekah, get some sleep. I can give you a ride back tomorrow.”
God, Dex even looked weaker, sad.
“I’m gonna stay. You go ahead. I’m sure you have things to do.”
“I’m on medical leave, Rebekah.” He held his arm up and gave a weak smile.
“No, I’m gonna stay. You go ahead.”
“I’ll stay with you.”
“Dex.” I shook my head from side to side. “Why?”
“I love you. I wanna make it all up to you, starting now. I won’t stop until you have forgiven me.”
“We can’t go back there.”
“Then move forward with me. You and I, just like we always planned. You loved me once. I know where I fucked up, I won’t do it again—I promise.”
“Please don’t, just please.”
“Fine, but I’m not leaving you. Not now.”
I sat and watched my father sleep for another hour. Dex was up and walking around. I watched him adjust his sling and he looked incredibly uncomfortable.
“Go home, Dex.”
“No, I’m good. I told you I’m not leaving you.”
“Please you… nothing has changed.”
“Everything has changed.” His jaw clenched as he held back.
“No, I haven’t Dex…”
“You didn’t need to. I fucked up. You and I…”
“Had different ideas of what we wanted. I’m not giving up on my dream. I will finish school someday, and this is your dream Dex.”
“I’m not sure what to do, Rebekah. I know I want you just as bad now…”
“Please just go home and rest, you look very uncomfortable.”
“Just sore, I haven’t taken any pain meds in awhile.”
“Then go, get some sleep.”
After a quick hug he left. I sat down and immediately thought of Zandor. I grabbed my phone and realized it was dead.
“He’s going to be sleeping for quite awhile.” The nurse handed me a bottle of water. “You’ll be of more use to him if you’re rested.”
I felt panic flood over me. “What is his recovery time?”
“Not long, a week? No lifting for a few days, it’s pretty routine.”
“Okay.”
What had I just agreed to? I was going to take care of my father…again.
“I’m going to take off. I’ll be back at seven.” I wrote down my phone number. “My phone is dead but I’ll get it charged.”
~
It wasn’t planned, but I ended up in a cab on my way to the hotel. I hated that he was going to be driving home alone. Home, his home. Jersey wasn’t my home. It was a place that I ran to trying to get away from here. To leave behind a mess that I had made.
I stood in the ascending elevator, looking like hell, with a dead phone in my hand. Wanting to see him so badly. I wanted to touch him and for him to touch me. I wanted that physical connection to get lost in. How incredibly selfish of me. But that’s who I am, the girl who selfishly seeks comfort in touch.
When the door opened I stepped out and looked down the hall. The room door was open and Zandor stood in the doorway with a white towel draped around his lower half. His body shimmered and I stood motionless for a moment taking in his beautiful body and the art displayed on it.
The door shut behind me and I took a few steps toward him as two women walked out smiling. He shook their hand and thanked them. I felt my hands shake and that too familiar feeling of shame and hurt built inside of me.
As I turned, my bag fell to the ground, and I squatted to grab its content. The women walked past me and stood waiting for the elevator. I looked back briefly a
nd Zandor was looking at me as if he was trying to figure something out.
“Bekah?”
“Screw you!” I stood up and hustled to the elevator standing right next to the bitches who just walked out of his room.
“Wait up.” he called from behind me.
I turned and flipped him off. The elevator door opened and I stepped in. “Hold the elevator!”
I looked at the women and gave them a nasty look. “Don’t.”
The door was nearly closed when his large, perfect fucking foot stopped it. “What are you doing, Bekah?”
“Going home.” I looked away.
“Get out here.” He reached in to grab me and I stepped back, avoiding him. He laughed, “Suit yourself.”
He stepped in wrapped in a towel with a smug look on his face and walked toward me.
The bastard looked amused as I tensed when he got closer and then he leaned against the wall in a casual unaffected way. The women giggled and I was ready to pounce but I wouldn’t give them or him the satisfaction.
The elevator stopped and the door opened, a woman and two children started to board and stopped. “Mommy, there’s a naked man!” The little blonde girl pointed at Zandor.
She gasped and pulled her kids back and the door shut. The two girls giggled and looked at Zandor.
“Were they talking about me?” He pointed to himself and chuckled. “Oh Bekah, you are going to get me in trouble.”
“I think you do that all on your own.” I sneered and looked at him and then the girls.
“How is your father?”
Unbelievable, “Go fuck yourself!” slid right off my tongue.
“I was under the impression that is a Lady friend’s hmm, not job, but pleasure? That I could be done with all that masturbating nonsense, Bekah.” The girls laughed and he smiled and grabbed me from behind pulling my back against him forcefully as the elevator stopped again.
I tried to pull free and he held me tighter. “I’m using you as a shield, Bekah, please behave and don’t move.”
“Behave?”
“Yes please.” He kissed my cheek.
The elevator stopped on the bottom floor and one of the girls smiled at me and then him, “You sure you don’t want me to stay and do the job I was paid for, she looks awfully tense?”