by Laura Day
I tried to speak with bravado, but the truth was that being a single parent was extremely hard at times. There were times when I didn't know if I'd have the money to pay rent, keep the electricity on, or feed my child – and in those times, I always wondered if I'd done the right thing. If I was doing right by her. There were times I felt like I wasn't enough, and that Laila would be better off with a family who could provide for her. In a place where she wanted for nothing.
But then, she'd look up at me with those big, beautiful eyes and I knew I'd done the right thing. I'd continue to fight to give her everything I never had. She might not have much in a material way, but Laila would never be lacking love in her life.
“And,” I continued, finding my voice, “I will never put her in that situation again. No man will ever make her feel fear the way I had to. Even if it means I have to go it alone, I will. Completely alone.”
I hoped he understood what I meant. If he was going to be anything remotely similar to Ricky, I was out of there. If he ever laid a hand on me, I'd be gone, and he'd never, ever see me again. I didn't care what it cost me; I would bail and do what I had to do to survive. I'd do it for my daughter.
“Val,” he said, his eyes softening as he spoke, his voice barely a whisper, “you aren't alone, you know that, right? I'll make sure no one hurts you and Laila ever again. Not even me. I give you my most sacred word on that.”
A lump formed in my throat, and I had to swallow it. “I'm just so scared, Mercer. I’m scared that I'm just jumping out of one abusive relationship and into another one.”
“Wait, are you worried that I'll – ” The hurt in his eyes was clearly visible.
He looked down at the ground and shook his head. When he finally looked back up at me that look of anguish hadn't diminished. It sent a lance of guilt straight through my heart.
“You think I'd hurt you, Val?”
I shrugged, unable to answer. I looked away, turning my attention to the large picture window overlooking the courtyard. I narrowed my focus to a tree outside and watched the birds hopping from branch to branch.
“I'd never lay a hand on you, Val,” he told me, sounding sincere. “I don't hurt women. My mom and sister were abused. Did you know that? I could never, ever be like that. Not to you – not to anyone.”
His words cut through me like a knife; I heard the pain in his voice as he spoke. Turning to him, I saw something that shocked me – he looked ready to cry.
“Your mom and sister?” I asked. “Both of them?”
He nodded and sighed, almost like he didn't want to talk about it. But he did – although I could see that it was taking a Herculean effort to open up the way he was.
“That's all we knew as kids,” he continued, “my sister didn't know any better back then. Still doesn't, I guess. When you grow up around it, it's easy to assume that's normal.”
I looked down at Laila. She was the reason I knew I needed to leave Ricky. She was the reason I'd had the strength to leave because if I had stayed, she would have grown up marinating in fear and pain every day of her life. And like Mercer's sister, she might even have considered it to be normal. Soak in that sort of thing long enough, and the stink of it never washes off of you.
“I'm sorry I assumed anything, Mercer. It's just – well, you've pushed me away completely. And now you're acting weird, you’re tense and unapproachable at times. Hell, you've been acting really sketchy. It scares me sometimes.”
If only I could read his mind. Staring back at him, I couldn't tell what he was feeling. His face had all of the expression of stone. His eyes were dark and devoid of all emotion, but there was a softness to him that made the moment less terrifying. At that moment, I couldn't understand why I'd ever thought he'd hurt me. There was nothing dangerous within him – at least not when it came to me.
“I'm sorry that I made you feel that way,” he said quietly. “It's just who I am, Val. I can't change that, but I'm being truthful. I would never hurt you or Laila. Not in a million years. ”
“But can you at least let me in? If only a little bit?” I asked. “Let me see more of you, get to know you? If I'm supposed to believe you're going to keep my daughter and me safe, I need to know who I'm trusting. Let's face it, you've not done a very good job of opening up so far. Not at all. I know nothing about you.”
I wasn't sure if I'd gotten through to him or not, but at least, it was a start.
Chapter Twenty Three
Mercer
Val was sitting on the floor with her kid, and I once again marveled at the fact that she looked so much like a kid herself. She didn't resemble Queenie anymore. When she wasn't on stage, she was a completely different person. She looked like someone's kid sister – too young to have a baby of her own. Maybe it was the age difference because she certainly was a legal adult.
And I'd fucked her. There were times I alternated between self-congratulations and downright shame over that fact.
She was a beautiful girl, but she was young. It was hard to imagine sleeping with her now. At least, now that I saw how innocent, naïve, sweet, and youthful she was. I'd never been with someone like her before, so this was all new to me. Most of the women in my orbit knew who I was, knew what I did, and they were attracted to that side of me. Whereas Val was afraid of it.
I'd tried to tone it down and be less scary. Yet somewhere in her head, she thought I might hurt her. After everything I did to protect her, she thought I'd hit or beat her. It made me sick to my stomach to imagine anyone laying a hand on her like that, but given her own personal traumas, was it really all that surprising for her to feel that way? She'd probably feel that way about any new guy who entered her life at that moment. She couldn't help it. She'd been conditioned to not trust men. That wasn't her fault. Not at all.
Still, that didn't make it sting any less knowing she thought that way.
“I need to make her a bottle, can you –?” she asked softly.
Can I what? Watch the baby? While her mother was in the kitchen? Granted, it was an open floor plan, so Val would only be across the room, and I wouldn't even have to raise my voice if things somehow went sideways, and I wanted to get her attention. But I couldn't help but think this was a terrible idea. What did I know about watching kids? Kids didn't like me, and I didn't typically like them.
Yet, seeing the tiredness in Val's eyes, I nodded. “Yeah, sure. Do what you need to do.”
Her returned smile was one of warmth and appreciation. “Thank you,” she said. “I have to use the bathroom too if that's okay?”
“Yes, go,” I said with a laugh, trying to appear cool and calm when I was uneasy on the inside.
Val walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek. Nothing sexual at that moment, but it felt weird just the same, considering all that we'd done so far.
“Thank you, Mercer. For everything. I'll repay you later, I promise.”
Now that sounded sexual. Or maybe that was my perverted – and yet hopeful – mind interpreting it that way. The way she'd said it, the look on her face – it made it seem like she was expecting something later. Something we'd already done, sure, but seeing her like that – as the young, naïve kid that she was – made it hard to imagine having sex with her again.
I watched her walk toward the bathroom. She was wearing a little tank top and boy shorts – pajamas that showed a lot of skin. Most men in my position would have stopped what they were doing to admire that ass. And yeah, in that regard, I was like most men. I looked. Of course, I did. I stared for a moment longer before pulling my eyes away and focusing on the task at hand – the baby.
“Great,” I muttered to myself. “What in the hell do I know about babies?”
Laila fussed, rolled over, and let out a soft cry. As soon as she saw me, her eyes grew wide, and she screamed even louder.
“Is everything okay in there?” Val called from the bathroom.
“Just fine,” I said, gritting my teeth. “I got it under control.”
I slid
down to the floor and reached out to Laila, handing her another toy that had been at my feet. The baby's eyes searched my face. She still looked unsure, but the crying stopped. Thankfully. Maybe she was too scared to cry, or perhaps she'd gotten used to me. I didn't have a clue what was going through the kid's mind, but whatever it was, Laila wasn't crying. I called that a win.
Her tiny hand reached out for the toy – a teething ring. Her fingers gripped it, touching mine, but she didn't take it. I let it go, and it fell onto the floor with a rattle.
Laila cried again.
“Shhhh,” I said, moving closer and trying to figure out some way to comfort her.
What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to pick her up? Or would that just make her scream more? I reached out and stroked the dark hair on her head.
“Shhhh, Laila. It's okay. Mommy will be back in just a second.”
Laila whimpered, but it was softer. She eventually stopped bawling and looked at me with her large, watery eyes. We were making progress.
“See? She's getting used to you already,” Val said, suddenly standing behind the couch.
I hadn't heard the toilet flush or the bathroom door open. Apparently, I'd been too focused on Laila, and Val caught us having a moment. She stood there, looking at the two of us, a relaxed and content expression on her face. Laila's eyes instantly went to her mom, and she smiled, an adorable beam filled with so much love and adoration. The way she looked at Val was amazing, something I'd never witnessed before. The love between mother and child – something I never personally experienced growing up.
“Well, at least, she's not screaming, I suppose,” I said, trying to pull myself together and maintain a little dignity.
“I just need to make her bottle,” Val replied, heading back toward the kitchen.
This time, Laila didn't wail. She just watched from the floor as her mom moved around. It was as if she forgot I was there, which was probably a good thing. At least she wasn't screaming her head off. Another win.
“Thank you, Mercer,” Val said, joining us back on the floor, bottle in hand.
“You're welcome.” I moved back to the couch but watched as she fed little Laila. Val looked more like a big sister than a mother. I knew she was at least in her early twenties, but compared to me – I suppressed a shudder –she was still a child.
There was no way I could let her repay me later, but even as I thought it, I knew I'd have trouble holding myself to that.
***
“Laila is down for a nap, finally,” Val said, plopping down next to me on the couch.
She was wearing lipstick and mascara – I noticed that they'd been recently applied. Her hair was no longer pulled back in a ponytail; it fell free over her shoulders in rich caramel tones. A strand of hair covered her left eye as she looked over at me. Dark lines highlighted her eyes now, bringing out the flecks of green mixed in with the golden color of her eyes. She looked at me, a soft smile touching her lips.
“So are you staying in with us this afternoon?” she asked.
I probably had somewhere I could go. Somewhere I should go – somewhere I wouldn't be tempted by Val's flirtations. At one time, that place would be the clubhouse. But these days, I was avoiding Bates and couldn't go there. I could go out to a bar and drink the day away, but unless I went somewhere new and pretty far out of the way, I still ran the risk of running into Bates or one of his men.
“Guess so,” I said, my entire body stiff as I realized my only alternative to resisting the temptation of Val was keeping my distance – which was hard when she was obviously trying to get closer to me.
Biting her lip, she stared up at me, a look in her eyes that begged for me to kiss her. It was tempting – really, really tempting. I was still a warm-blooded man after all, and she was a beautiful woman. The urges in me were perfectly normal and natural, but it felt wrong. Even though we'd already fucked. But I blamed the lights, the makeup, the costumes – I wouldn't have reacted the same way if she'd looked the way she was looking now – like a sweet and innocent girl next door.
“Well then, what do you wanna do?” she asked me, twirling a strand of hair in her fingers and looking at me with an expression that made it clear what she wanted to do.
Damn. She was good.
Before I knew what was happening, she placed a hand on my knee and moved it up, stroking my inner thigh. I swallowed hard and tried to fight back my urges even as my cock pressed against my jeans. The sudden tightness in my groin reminded me that yes, I was still very much a man with needs and there she was, a gorgeous woman coming on to me.
I cleared my throat and grabbed her hand, holding it in my own, down on my knee. She looked surprised and slightly hurt.
“Maybe just watch some TV?” I said, choking on my words. “Maybe we can get a movie?”
“A movie?” she laughed, raising an eyebrow as she leaned forward. “We aren't watching any fucking movie, Mercer, and you know it.”
Val was coming on strong, and it was hard, so very hard to resist. She came within inches of kissing me, but I backed away, causing her to miss entirely.
“What the hell?” she asked. “What's wrong, Mercer? Once, you were more than happy to fuck me every which way to Sunday and now? Now I can't so much as get a kiss from you? You wanted me to be your girl, and now you're pushing me away? What in the hell is your problem?”
Her voice was colored with disappointment, even though she masked it well with heat and anger. What she was really asking me was... “Why are you rejecting me?”
“Val, it's – it's complicated,” I stammered. “I don't know how to explain it in a way that would make sense. But it's nothing personal. I swear it. It's not you, it's me.”
I wanted to kick myself hard for uttering such a stupid line. She nodded, but I could see it in her eyes. She was wounded and would take this personally regardless of how many excuses and reasons I offered up.
I sighed and tried again – this time with some truth to it. “Seeing you here with Laila, away from the club – you just seem so young. So innocent. I don't want to feel like I'm taking advantage of you.”
An inscrutable expression cut across her face. “Do you have any idea what I've lived through, Mercer? The things I've seen and witnessed? If you did, you wouldn't think of me as a child. I lost that innocence a long time ago.”
She was right, and as her eyes were filling with tears, it was clear she needed to talk about it – if not with me, with someone. I knew what I had to do to make this right. I gave her hand a gentle squeeze and looked into her eyes earnestly, trying to make her see me as trustworthy, as somebody she could open up to.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked.
To be honest, I wasn't normally the kind of guy people came to for advice or to let out their emotions, but who else did Val have? As far as I could tell, she had no one but Laila, and a baby couldn’t offer much in the way of support.
“I doubt you really want to hear that shit,” she said with a laugh. “It's all bullshit anyway, and I don't want to dump it all over you.”
Yeah, it was. As much as I didn't want to have a heart-to-heart, only because I wasn't the touchy-feely kind of guy, I found myself wanting to help Val – and not just by keeping her safe either. I felt like she needed me, and not just as someone, to keep her safe physically, but as someone, she could rely on emotionally as well.
I'd watched my own mom get beaten up, and watched my sister not just endure it, but also willingly go back to that life. I knew a little about what Val might have gone through, but I knew exactly how hard it was for her to leave it behind. After all, that was probably all she ever knew.
I pulled her head closer to me, wrapping my arm around her shoulder.
“Talk to me, Val,” I said, kissing her forehead. “You need to talk to someone. You need to get the poison out of your veins. I know I'm not a big warm and fuzzy type, but I'm here for you. I just want you to know that.”
Chapter Twenty Four
Opening up to anyone was hard, but opening up to the likes of Mercer – it wasn't exactly the easiest thing in the world. He was such a tough brute of a man. Somebody who people cowered from, and crossed to the other side of the street to avoid. I was reasonably sure that Mercer had never felt defenseless in his entire life.
I know he looked at me like I was a child, but I was far from it. Everything I'd seen in my life – all of the horrible shit I'd endured – it was probably more than people twice my age had ever experienced, I was sure of it.
“Where do I start?” I asked.
“From the beginning,” he told me.
“The beginning...” I closed my eyes and tried to think back. “Well, Ricky and I started dating in our senior year of high school. We were just nobodies in a sea of nobodies, honestly. He wasn't the football star, and I wasn't the cheerleader. We were completely unremarkable, and nobody expected much of anything from either of us. We were just two small-town kids who didn't know what the hell we were doing.”