“Do you have any idea how much I need you, Ella? How much of my ability to breathe is dependent on knowing you’re safe and you’re mine?” He looked into her eyes as he brought his hands to her face.
“I love you with every small piece of my being, Porter. I’m not me if I’m not with you. That distinction was made clear as I waded through two months of wasted time, wondering what was missing. But as much as I love you, and need you, my love for you will always be second best to the way you love me.” She leaned down and kissed him. He tried to return the kiss but was distracted by her words that echoed the letter she’d written him. Suddenly the letter was red hot in his wallet, singeing him through his pocket. He pulled away from her and grappled with his pants to get out his wallet, not an easy task with Ella sitting on his lap. He finally managed to get ahold of his wallet and pull it out. He opened it up and her letter was staring up at him from its designated spot, where it had been for nearly three months. Ella saw it and reached in to take it.
“Is this my letter?” She said as she eyed it. She gently opened up the envelope and pulled out the frail and worn paper, unfolding it as if it would turn to ash if she handled it too roughly.
“Yes,” he answered around the lump forming in his throat.
“It looks like it’s been read a lot.”
“I read it every single day you were gone.” He watched her open it up and saw her eyes track the words as she read. His eyes never wavered from hers and he saw the tears begin to well up. Then he watched her push them back and take a deep breath.
“I had forgotten all about this letter,” she whispered.
“Understatement of the year, Babe” he laughed quietly. She playfully slapped his chest.
“You know what I mean,” she smiled at him and caressed one of his cheeks with her hand. Her touch was warm and soothing. She always managed to give him exactly what he needed with her touch. Whether he needed to be calmed, or wanted to be excited, hers was the only touch that had ever affected him that way. “Why did you read it so many times?”
“It was the only thing I had left of you. Besides the memories that haunted me and my house that still smelled like you, it was the only way I could feel close to you.” She held his eyes for a moment and then looked back down at the paper.
“If I had known what was going to happen to me that night, I might have written this letter differently.”
“What would you have changed?” He asked, rubbing his hands up the outside of her thighs, up her waist, and back down again.
“I probably would have told you not to let anyone keep us apart. That I would be hurting just as badly as you were, perhaps just in a different way.”
“Let’s just be sure that from here on out we remember what we went through and use it as a reminder.”
“Ok, a reminder of what though?”
He reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.
“A reminder that you and I should always stand firm that we know what’s best for us, and that we will always put each other first. And that regardless of where one of us is, the other is never far away. No matter what.”
She smiled at his words and leaned down to kiss him, stopping just before her lips met his.
“Sounds good to me,” the end of her sentence was mumbled against his lips as he pushed his mouth into hers. He used his hands to pull on her hips and bring her body in closer to his, to feel her as close to him as possible. He could never get enough of the staggering pleasure that feeling her body against his could bring. Once he felt like the center of her body was sufficiently pressed against his own, his hands roamed her body again, seeking out the pieces of her that reacted to his touch. His hands on her face, on her back, his lips on her neck. If they hadn’t been in his truck in a parking lot, Porter would have found it hard at this point to keep Ella’s clothes on. Instead, he let his hands wander just along the hem of her shirt, feeling her smooth skin against his rough fingers.
She fisted his hair in her hands and he could feel her arousal start to grow, not only by the urgency in her hands, but the sexy sounds she made. Light and gentle sighs and whimpers floated through the cab of his truck and he felt himself harden between his legs even as Ella used her core to grind down on him. He hated to, but he pulled away.
“Ella, let’s go upstairs,” he tried to say but she kept finding ways to kiss him through his words.
“No,” she said quickly between pecks.
“No?”
“I’m fine right here,” she mumbled as her hands began to unbutton his jeans. He quickly grabbed her hands to stop her and pinned her wrists behind her back.
“Ella, this is not happening here. We are not teenagers. There’s a perfectly good room with four walls in your apartment. Let’s go.” Ella gave him a hard glare.
“I remember a time when you nearly had me on a public beach. In fact, I believe you would have had me if the rain hadn’t started.” She leaned forward with her wrists still captured behind her back and her breasts pushed up against his chest, causing him to pull in a sharp breath. Her lips found his ear and she rasped, “What’s the difference?”
He growled and turned his head to nip at her throat, sucking and licking, drawing out more groans from Ella that had his blood running hot and thick through his veins.
“This difference is that on the beach we were under the cover of blankets and it was deserted. We are out in the open here and anyone could just walk out of their apartment. I won’t have anyone but me see you turned on.” He pulled on her wrists, causing her to sit up straight. “Let me take you inside. I want to be able to make love to you and it’s difficult in this truck.” He let go of her hands, but only to lace his fingers through hers.
“How is anyone supposed to argue with that?” Ella smiled at him, and gave him a small kiss before climbing off of his lap. The missing weight of her did not go unnoticed as his body ached for her to return. He managed to get himself under control enough to walk her to her apartment. He took the keys from her and opened the door. They stepped inside and he dropped his small duffle bag on the floor in the hallway. He had only been in her apartment once and it was before her memory had returned. She wasn’t technically his then, so he was able to argue away the urge to remove Kyle’s pictures from her walls. He stared at one now and as reasonable as he tried to remain, he couldn’t ignore the fact that he wanted the pictures gone.
Ella followed his eyes she walked to the picture.
“After all the years we spent together and everything we had been through, I never would have imagined that he could have put his hands on me the way he did that night.” She reached up, took the frame off the wall, and studied it for a moment. “How could I have been with someone like him? How did I not see him for who he really was?”
Porter came to stand behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders.
“People like Kyle do a good job of hiding who they really are, Ella. You saw what he wanted you to see.”
“People like him?” She asked. “What kind of person was he?”
“A sociopath with a death wish,” Porter said through gritted teeth.
Ella turned and went into the kitchen, coming back a few seconds later with a big trash bag. She threw the picture in the bag and then continued down the hall tossing every other frame with a picture of him in the bag as well. She moved quickly and her breathing was frantic. Porter began to see the panic come over her. He went to stop her and pull her into his arms.
“Babe, stop. You don’t have to do this now. Please, I’ll do it for you, just calm down.”
“I need to get him out of this house, Porter.” Her hands came up to cover her face and she breathed rapidly now. “Everything is returning, all the memories.” She buried her face in his chest and he smoothed his hand down her back, trying to help calm her. “Being with you is wonderful because we have beautiful memories, even though they are few. I am in a haze of happiness with you, Porter. But when I go back to my old life, the
store, and now my own house, all the bad memories come back. I shouldn’t have to be afraid of my own life,” she cried.
“You’re right, Ella,” he said as he used his hands to pull her face level with his so she could see how serious he was. “You shouldn’t have to deal with any of this, but you are. You’re doing just fine. You just have to feel it all and deal with it as it comes. I’ll be here the whole way and we’ll get you in to talk to someone. But hear me when I say that I will never let him hurt you again, Ella. Never. You need to let that part of your fear go and give it all to me. Let me worry about that and you just let the fear go.”
“Porter,” she said, holding back tears, running her hand down his cheek. “Kyle held me up against that door behind you and tried to rape me.” Porter turned to stone at her words. He knew something else had happened between them before she was shot, but had never gotten the opportunity to talk to her about it. If he had known the whole story, he surely would have killed Kyle at the hospital when he had the chance. His fists clenched at his sides and he tried not to let himself picture what she must have gone through.
“What do you mean by ‘tried’?”
Ella took in a deep breath, looking as if she was trying to calm herself.
“He pushed me up against the door, held me there by my jaw, then he ripped… he ripped…” she let out a sob and he pulled her into his arms, shushing her and kissing her temple.
“No, Ella, it’s ok. You don’t have to tell me.”
“I do, though, Porter,” she said as she cried. “This will eat away at you just as much as it will me if it isn’t out there. I don’t want it bottled up inside me. It will poison me from the middle if I don’t tell you. Please, let me tell you.” He felt her crumbling against him and he slid her down to the floor with him. He pressed every available part of his body against hers, offering himself to her in comfort and love, hoping that she would take from him what she needed. His arms were wrapped around her shoulders, and his legs were sprawled out around the sides of her as she sat on the floor between them. She curled up into him, breathing hard and holding back sobs. He could feel the heaving of her lungs as she tried to control the eruption of emotion.
“He ripped my shirt open,” she paused, trying to remain calm. “He ripped it open and then grabbed my breast so hard it left a bruise. I could taste the blood pooling in my mouth. I heard the ripping of my shirt. I could feel my teeth biting into my cheek. He would have raped me if I hadn’t stopped him.”
“But you did, Ella. He hurt you, but he didn’t win and he didn’t rape you. You kicked his ass. I saw him at the hospital. You broke his fucking nose.”
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes, but a small smile on her lips.
“I did?” she asked hopefully.
“Oh yeah, he looked terrible.” She buried her face in his chest again, a little calmer than before.
“It’s a good thing I’m moving out of this apartment. I don’t think I could live here anymore. And honestly, I don’t think I could sleep here if you weren’t with me.”
“Well, you don’t have to worry about that. I am where you are.”
She looked up at him again, her eyes asking him to kiss her. He moved in slowly, making sure this was what she wanted. When she closed her eyes and moved to meet him, he knew she needed him to be there for her. He would give her whatever she needed, but didn’t want to push her too far.
Their lips met and it was a softer kiss than they normally shared. Her lips were swollen from crying and salty from tears. She slowly teased his lips with her tongue and he opened for her, trying not to rush her, but finding himself needing the contact with her just as much as she seemed to need him. Although the kiss started soft and slow, it gradually moved toward longing and need. Ella moved so that she was again straddling his lap, quickly becoming his favorite way to kiss her, their bodies connected at the core. His hands ran up her back, trying to hold her to him, to give her the feeling of being protected. That was all he ever wanted, to protect her. He reached up and twisted his hands around her hair, gently but firmly pulling it back and forcing her lips from his. Her hands came behind his neck as she leaned back into his arms, allowing him to take her neck.
His mouth found the spot between her neck and shoulder that tasted of vanilla every time, and as he kissed and sucked there she let out a throaty moan. His hand traveled up the front of her body, sliding smoothly all the way from her belly button to her neck, pulling her back into the kiss.
“Porter, please,” she begged.
“What do you need, Baby?”
“You, please. Make me forget.” He looked at her and saw the question in her eyes. What a strange request. After everything they’d been through, hoping she’d remember, to now, in this moment, doing everything they could to wipe her memory away. Porter couldn’t help but wonder if his dire need to be with her was worth the pain he saw in her eyes right now. If he’d just left her alone, moved on as best he could without her, would her memories still be buried away? If it was his fault that she was reliving this nightmare, he would do anything he could to help her forget. Using the wall to push against, he stood up, still holding her against him. He started to carry her to the bedroom when she stopped him by putting her feet back on the ground.
She reached down for the hem of her shirt and pulled it up over her head slowly, never taking her eyes off of his. He watched her as she slid her jeans down her hips, leaving her in just bra and panties. He got a small thrill knowing he bought that set for her. In any other circumstance he might have commented on how he liked her in the sexy things he bought for her, but now wasn’t the time. Her hand came out and gripped his shirt. She walked backwards and pulled him with her. She moved backwards until her back was up against her front door. When the door hit her back, she cringed and closed her eyes. He saw a shutter run along her body and he ached to help her through the turmoil evident on her face.
“Tell me how I can help you, Baby.” He leaned his forehead against hers, waiting for her to tell him what he could do. She didn’t look up at him; she just reached for the button of his jeans and slid his pants to the floor along with his boxers. She pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it towards the living room. He finally placed a finger under her chin and lifted her face so he could look in her eyes.
“You’ve got to tell me what to do, Ella. I’m flying blind here and I need you to tell me what you want.”
“Make me forget, Porter.” She said as she reached behind her back to unclasp her bra, letting it fall to the floor. “Make love to me, here, and erase it all.” She pushed her panties to the floor and stepped out of them. He continued to look her directly in the eyes, silently asking her if she was sure. She gave a small but certain nod, and he moved in to her body, pressing her against the door.
He delicately grazed his fingers along her jaw and felt her breath shutter. His mouth dropped feathered kisses from one side of her jaw to the other, trying to kiss away her memory and her pain. As he kissed her jaw, his hand came to her breast. He held it in his palm, feeling the weight of it, when he felt her take his hand off and thread her fingers through his. She placed his other hand on the opposite breast, indicating that was the one with the need. He gently, with unparalleled care, fluttered his thumb across her nipple. She made a sound that sounded like a sob and he immediately halted.
“I’m sorry, Baby. I’m so sorry,” he whispered.
“Please don’t stop. I don’t want you to stop,” she cried. He nodded, wondering if he was doing more harm than good anymore. He could only trust that she knew what she needed and that she trusted him to give it to her.
He moved his hand back to her breast and fingered her nipple again. She breathed through his touch and seemed to be ok. Keeping his eyes on her, he bent down and laid the lightest of kisses upon it. This time her eyes closed and her head tilted back, so he took it farther and pulled her nipple into his mouth, using his tongue to swirl around it. To his relief a moan of pleasur
e escaped her lips. He continued to use his mouth on her as he felt her place his other hand between her legs. She placed his fingers at her opening and he could feel the heat radiating from her. She pushed their fingers into her and she moaned again.
Her heat and her moans spurred him on and he felt the tension grow between his own legs. The fact that he could even become aroused was a relief to him, not being sure he could achieve any kind of erection knowing he was trying to erase an attempted rape from his girlfriend’s mind. But in the end, this was Ella, and she was offering herself to him; she needed him. He responded to her body, both physically and emotionally. Despite the pressure and complication of their situation, his body would always be tied to hers irrevocably.
He continued to lave at her breast and thrust his fingers into her. Both of her hands came up to tug on his hair and one of her legs wrapped around his waist. She reached down between them and took him in her hands. He heard her sigh.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“Nothing, I was just worried.”
He placed his hand on her thigh wrapped around him and flipped his nose against hers slowly.
“Worried about what?”
“I guess I was just afraid that you wouldn’t want me after what I told you.”
He continued to look in her eyes and saw all the insecurity she was laying out in front of him, all her vulnerability.
“I will always want you, Ella. It’s impossible not to want you. I just don’t want to hurt you.”
“You couldn’t hurt me. It’s impossible.” He loved that she felt that way, that she knew he could never hurt her. Her words only made him harder and he felt himself nudge against her. She felt it too and lifted to wrap her other leg around his middle. Her arms draped around his neck and her legs hooked behind his back. With one arm around her and his other arm against the door for support, he leaned in and took her mouth. She kissed him back and all the reservations from before seemed to melt away. It was only the two of them here now and she was only with him. He gave in to the passion and let his tongue make wide sweeps through her mouth, and when she used her hips to grind into him he let out a growl that surprised even him.
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