“He and his friends left the diner and I had this terribly rotten feeling in my gut that I would never see him again. My heart knew it was tragic. I watched him leave and get into the backseat of a car that drove him away. I tried to ignore the nagging from inside my brain, but even then I knew he was the one and that he had just driven away.
“Well, the next night he came back in, this time alone. He asked to sit in my section and when I saw him, I swear, I almost dropped a pot of coffee all over the floor,” she laughed at the memory. “I had never dated any boys and had no idea how to flirt with one, so I just nervously walked over and treated him like any other customer even though my heart was pounding out of my chest and I couldn’t take my eyes off of his mouth.” She went quiet for a few moments and Ella let the silence float between them, allowing Tilly the opportunity to relive those exciting moments that Ella was so familiar with.
“He came in every night for a whole week before he got up enough nerve to ask for my phone number, even the nights I hadn’t been working. My boss told me he came in, asked to sit in my section and then left disappointed when they’d told him I wasn’t in. All the women who worked at the diner warned me that if I let him get away it would be a mistake. I knew that already and didn’t need them to tell me.”
“We were both still young but perhaps that made it all the more exciting. He was my first everything, my only everything,” Tilly said with a hitch in her voice that brought the stinging of tears to Ella’s eyes. She reached out and laid her hand gently on Tilly’s, hoping to offer some comfort to a woman simply missing the man she loved. Tilly squeezed her hand and offered a small smile. She took a deep breath and then continued, seeming to push through the sadness.
“We married three years later and a few years after that Porter came along.” A new smile filled with pride graced her face and Ella couldn’t help but mirror it, having her own sense of pride in him. “He was such a good father: patient, loving, fun, firm. He loved Porter so much and wanted to teach him how to be a good man, how to be hardworking, and to have integrity.”
“I think he did a wonderful job of instilling all of those traits in Porter,” Ella offered. “And I think you did a wonderful job of raising him alone too. It must have been so hard…” Ella’s voice trailed off, not sure how to finish the sentence, not sure she had to words to describe the loss Tilly had gone through.
“One day you’ll understand the love a mother feels for her child,” Tilly said turning her head towards the ocean, looking out over the seemingly calm waters of the harbor. “I was shattered when Andrew died, absolutely broken. Nothing could have prepared me for how it was going to feel knowing I would never speak to my husband again. Never hold his hand or kiss his lips. Never wake up next to him, never argue with him, never get excited when he came home again. So many things would never happen that should have happened. But not one ounce of my sadness mattered when I looked at my son who had lost his father.” Ella saw a tear slip from the corner of Tilly’s eye and she felt a knot forming in her own throat.
“Porter was at a very strange age when his father died. Twelve is old enough to understand death and how it works, but still young enough to have childlike thoughts about it. He was still a boy, trying to become a man. He took his father’s death very hard,” she almost whispered.
“Andrew had been driving to one of Porter’s baseball games when that logging truck overturned onto his car. He tried to never miss a game, knew how important it was for Porter to see him in the stands, cheering him on, supporting him. The first words out of his mouth after I had told him what happened were, ‘This never would have happened if he hadn’t been on his way to my game’.”
Ella’s heart broke for the child who internalized blame for something so tragic and it broke for the woman who was sitting in front of her, full tears streaming down her face, still hurting twenty years later. Ella tried hard not to let her emotions get the best of her, feeling like Tilly needed someone to be strong for her in that moment, but her throat was stinging painfully with cries aching to get out. Tears welled in her eyes, but she was able, for the moment, to keep them at bay and just continued to rub and squeeze Tilly’s hand on the table.
“He’s always carried around the blame for his father’s death, no matter how many times I tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault. Even two of years seeing a child psychologist could never fully ease his mind that he wasn’t responsible for the death of his father. It’s something he’ll carry around with him forever, I’m afraid.” Tilly looked at Ella again. “When you were hurt, the first thing he did was blame himself. So many things he could have done differently, according to him, that would have altered the course of things, changed the outcome. It was just like when Andrew died all over again, only maybe a little worse because you were still out there somewhere and that made it all that much worse for him.
“I know I’ve told you this before briefly, but what he went through when you didn’t remember him, it was terrible. I’m not trying to make you feel badly about it, because Lord knows you were the biggest victim of the whole debacle, but he was so sad, Ella. So… fractured. You can’t ever question how much he loves you, ever, Ella. Promise me that. He loves you so much that the thought of being without you nearly destroyed him, quite possibly could have ended him for all the sadness that he was drowning in.”
The tears she’d been holding in finally broke free and Ella pressed a hand to her chest to try and alleviate any of the pressure she felt building there. Everything felt wrong. The sun was shining but the darkness was taking over. Her skin was warm but she was chilled to the bone. “Blame and guilt are two things both Porter and I are very good at,” Ella said, using her napkin to wipe away some of her tears, even though more were following. “I hate that he feels like he’s to blame for anything that happened to me, but I understand it because I feel it too. I’ve got my own collection of “what ifs” that I replay in my head over and over, trying to make sense of what happened to us. But it’s useless because nothing changes the fact that it happened.”
Ella thought about all the ways that he was fueled by the blame he placed on himself. He internalized every feeling he had, analyzing it endlessly before opening up about it. He felt responsible for every bad thing that had happened between them, using that as a catalyst to wallow at times in the guilt. Ella shook her head a little at the helplessness she felt when she thought about Porter and the sadness that sometimes permeated him. But as soon as she thought about his sadness, she was forced to think about his happiness too. The guilt and blame also made him the possessive and protective man she’d come to love and appreciate. He would do anything to shield her from harm and even though she wished it sprouted from something else, she couldn’t hate the passion and depth with which he loved her.
“Tilly,” Ella began softly. “I’ve never experienced any kind of loss to the degree you and Porter have suffered, and I would never presume to understand all the complicated implications his father’s death had on either of you. But I know, without one shred of doubt or uncertainty, that he loves deeper than any man I’ve known because of it.” Ella tried to give Tilly a smile, but it was laced with sadness and tears that wouldn’t stop coming. “He feels everything to the depth of his soul and holds on tighter because of it.” Ella shrugged her shoulders and shook her head slightly. “Maybe he even appreciates things more because he realizes it can all be taken away.” The words rang true with her. Porter had experienced more loss than any person should have to deal with. But instead of being afraid to lose her, it seemed he was afraid of not holding on tight enough, as if he thought losing her would be a product of his negligence instead of just their relationship not working out. How could she argue with loving someone too much? The thought made her smile.
“It’s unfortunate that on some level he feels responsible for the death of his father, but that’s not something that’s likely to go away. His need to protect and love are so deeply ingrained in him because of i
t. It’s a part of his DNA. The loss he’s suffered is tragic, but he’s gained a unique perspective from it.” Ella did manage a smile at that point. “I’ve never felt so entirely and completely loved in my life. His ability to take his love for me and make it tangible – it’s incredible.” Ella shook her head and looked down at the table, removing her hand from Tilly’s. “I’m sorry if it sounds contrite, but his love for me, it’s almost like a blanket. I can feel it draped over me, keeping out the cold, wrapping me in warmth. It’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever experienced and I’ll spend the rest of forever trying to make him feel one fraction of the love he makes me feel.” Ella looked up to see Tilly smiling through tears, her eyes focused on Ella.
“I am so glad he found you,” she said sincerely. “I have never seen him as happy as he’s been since he met you. He’s very lucky,” she said softly.
“I think we’re both lucky,” Ella replied.
They were both done discussing sad and depressing topics, and the conversation organically moved back to lighter topics of Ella’s store and her family.
“Will your parents be at the cookout for the 4th?”
“I think they’re planning on coming,” Ella smiled.
“I’ll be glad to see them again,” Tilly said mirroring her smile.
“It’s going to be fun, I think. I’m excited to meet the people Porter works with. It will be interesting to see our two separate groups of family and friends kind of pushed together. Our worlds have been so separated lately. It feels like an either ‘here or there’ sort of thing, splitting all our time between Portland and Lincoln City. It will be nice to see everyone all together in one place.”
Tilly gave her a big and genuine smile. “Everyone will love you, Ella. Now, I think we should head back to the restaurant and make sure it hasn’t collapsed in our absence.”
Porter
On his way to pick Ella up from the restaurant, Porter stopped to pick up some flowers for his mom. He wasn’t around as much as he used to be and he wanted to see his mother smile. Not the obligatory smile, but the ‘my son just melted my heart’ smile. He’d worked hard for that smile before and wanted to make sure she knew he had been thinking about her. He also wanted to say thank you to her for staying with Ella all day while he was at work. He knew she probably didn’t mind at all, but it still meant a lot to him that she was invested in Ella. His mother had done her fair share of shoving women in his face while he was single, trying to get him to settle down with someone, but she never showed the amount of love to any woman he’d been with as she had with Ella.
When he pulled into the parking lot of Tilly’s, he saw Ella standing outside the restaurant talking on the phone. He parked and hopped out, flowers in hand, trying to hide his frustration that she was outside all by herself. He came up to her and slowed when he noticed the distressed look on her face.
“Yes, Officer, I understand,” she said. “No, I’m not in Portland and I haven’t been staying at my apartment.” She looked up at him and gave him a sad look. He continued towards her until she was right in front of him and he kissed her forehead. He felt her lean into him and he took her weight willingly, wanting to be the one she always leaned on. “I hired private security for the store, but again, I haven’t been there since the incident on Friday.” She sounded worried and anxious. He began to rub slow circles on her back with his free hand. “I will Officer, and thank you for calling.” She hung up the phone and he felt her shoulders slump.
“What’s up? Was that the police?”
“Yes, they were just calling to tell me that absolutely nothing has changed,” she sighed loudly and sounded frustrated. “He’s still out there and I’m still hiding from him only, now, the longer he’s still roaming around, the higher the chance is that he’ll find out we went to the police and the more danger everyone is in.” Her breathing had sped up and he could tell she was on the verge of panic.
“Ella, slow down. Take a breath,” he said calmly. “First of all, just because they haven’t found him it doesn’t mean he knows we went to the police. Secondly, even if he did, he can’t get to you. He had only come after you when you’ve been alone. By the way,” he jerked his head back to look her in the eye. “What the heck are you doing out here alone?”
“There’s some sort of game going on in there, Porter. I couldn’t hear anything. I’ve only been out here for a minute.”
“You can’t be alone, Ella. Especially out here, out in the open. Next time go in the bathroom or the kitchen. Anywhere but outside by yourself, ok?”
“You’re right. I’m sorry. It was stupid of me to come out here.” She eyed the flowers in his hand. “You don’t strike me as a flowers kind of guy,” she said cautiously.
He smiled at her. “Good, cause they’re not for you. They’re for my mom.” Her expression changed from questioning and softened into a more loving look.
“You brought your mom flowers?” She asked, her voice jumping an octave or two.
“Yes?” He was surprised when she leaned up and kissed his mouth, but it only took him a second to catch up before he wrapped his arms around her waist, trying not to flatten his mother’s flowers in the process. Her tongue darted out and swept across his lips and he let out a groan, reaching down with one hand and grasping her ass. “Mmm,” he said when they finally parted. “Wait a minute. Why don’t I strike you as a flowers kind of guy?”
She raised an eyebrow at him and laughed a little. “Porter, you gave me a box of jumper cables with a bow wrapped around them.”
“And?”
“And…” she trailed off. “Jumper cables are a far cry from flowers.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Porter,” she said as she placed her hand on the side of his face. “You are the most romantic man I have ever met. You say things that make my head spin. You make these sweet gestures, like picnics on the beach and in the hotel, that fill my heart with love. But I cannot say that you excel in the ‘thoughtful gift’ category.” He frowned at her while racking his brain, trying to remember all the gifts he’d given her.
“I bought that ring on your finger,” he said triumphantly. She looked down at her right hand, the tiny silver arrow ring starring back at the both of them.
“You mean this ring?” She said, holding her hand up so that he could clearly see it. “This ring right here that I was already going to buy?” She said laughing. “That’s not a thoughtful gift. That’s a nice gesture, buying a trinket for a woman you were trying to woo, but it wasn’t a premeditated and thought-out gift.”
“I wasn’t trying to woo you,” he said, pouting. “And what about the hotel and the lingerie?” He shifted, not liking the conversation and where it was leading.
“Babe,” she said, now placing her other hand on his face so that she palmed both cheeks. “I love you and you are wonderfully romantic, sweet, and thoughtful. But the hotel and lingerie were just as much for you, if not more, than for me. I loved it all, but let’s get real – you wanted to see me in that lingerie just so you could get it off me.”
“You’re making it sound like I don’t appreciate you or show you that I care.” His pout was out in full force now, and he just wanted to give his mother the flowers and go home to sulk.
“Are you…? Wait a minute, are you seriously insecure about this?” She asked, sincerely surprised, concern flashing across her face.
“Well, shit, Ella. I don’t want you to feel that way about me. I want to give you everything.”
She continued to look him in the eyes and she looked as though she was weighing her next words carefully.
“Porter, I don’t need you to get me anything. I’m so happy just being with you. There’s nothing you could buy or give me that would make me even half as happy as your touch makes me, or sharing books with you makes me, or even just sleeping in the same bed as you makes me. I’m not looking for flowers, or gifts, or large declarations of love here. I’m just looking for you. for us. I’m
sorry if what I said made you think otherwise.”
He looked into her eyes for a moment more, making sure he believed what she was saying. He knew she wasn’t looking for material things, but if she had a need he wasn’t meeting he wanted to know about it. “Promise me you’ll tell me if I’m not giving you what you need. And…” he placed a finger over her mouth when she tried to interrupt him. “And I’m not just talking about gifts. I’m talking about more than that. I want to be your everything, Ella. I want to give you everything.”
“Will you promise me the same thing?” She whispered against his finger which sent shock waves directly to his stomach, causing the familiar aching he had grown accustomed to. He nodded and she moved in to press her lips against his. “I promise,” she said with her mouth brushing against his.
This kiss was slow and sensual, a promise between the two of them. Silent vows to give each other the reassurance they both needed. He would always be willing to promise her everything. His hand found its way into the hair at the nape of her neck, and he ran it’s softness through his fingers. She whimpered quietly as his tongue slowly eased its way into her mouth and he knew he needed to stop torturing himself and get them home. He pulled away and heard her sigh.
“Where’d you learn how to kiss?” She asked breathily. He laughed out loud at her question.
“The summer before I turned eighteen, I spent many weeks tucked away in the sand dunes kissing a girl named Wendy.”
“Does this Wendy still live around here?” She asked with a smile.
“Why?”
“Maybe we should be getting her flowers.”
He groaned. “No more flowers. Let’s go give these to my mom and get home. I’m not done with you.” She turned and walked away from him towards the door and he heard a yelp as his palm smartly connected with her ass. She turned back to him, leering at him as best she could while hiding a grin, and he just flashed her his best satisfied smile.
Never Far Away Page 24