If I walked in the pale mess I felt, I’d be taken aside by all three of them and quietly asked if I was okay. I couldn’t stomach it.
I didn’t even remember making plans for the dinner, but I had vague recollections of Shayna telling me my dad was due back and we should get together to welcome him home.
Rubbing my eyes, I tried to shake Charlie from my mind and focus. Hopefully the dinner party was just my parents and Shayna. I had a sinking feeling it wouldn’t be that easy. Nothing ever was.
Holding back a sigh, I turned up the volume on the radio and let music guide me home. “Gravity” by Against the Current rocked through the car and I had to wonder who would save me.
Charlie was a flight risk.
I felt like I was free-falling.
The only grounded person who knew exactly what she wanted was Shayna.
She made sense, yet my heart still kicked out of beat when I imagined marrying her.
I slowed the car and turned right, braking just before the gate. Punching in the number like I had a hundred times before, I turned the music down and refused to dwell on the sadness swirling in my stomach.
My world felt like it was shattering, but that was only because Charlie had come back into it. Before that it was stable. I knew the plan, could see the path.
I was happy.
Swallowing my doubts, I drove up the driveway and parked beside our Tudor-style home with its special blend of wood and stone. Mom had designed it years ago, no doubt basing it on her childhood fairy-tale fantasies.
Clearing my throat, I slid out of my car and spun the keys around my index finger as I walked. It was my little ritual when approaching my parents’ home, like I had to psych myself up for whatever would hit me next.
Being the only child was a lot of pressure, and after their reaction to losing Reagan, I’d made it my mission to ease their pain. The best way to do that was to make them proud. The only time I’d swayed from my resolve was when I fell in love with Charlie. Man, I would have fought for her. If she’d just stuck around.
I still found it weird that she said she left for me.
Was I so blinded by love that I didn’t see the writing on the wall?
How was it possible that she was able to look into the future before I did? I was the practical one; she was the dreamer. It was so unlike her to see the brewing storm and run from it.
With an irritated huff, I shook my head and stepped inside only to be met by my father.
“Son.” He beckoned me down to his library. The look on his face was that of an excited kid.
My eyebrows furrowed as I glanced towards the living room.
To my disappointment, I could hear more than Shayna’s and Mom’s voices.
“Quick.” Dad beckoned again and I picked up my pace, stepping into the room so he could close the door behind me.
He gave me an expectant look, so I raised my eyebrows and murmured, “Welcome home?”
Tipping his head back with a laugh, he slapped my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. His keen eyes looked me up and down before he chuckled again and pulled something from his jacket pocket. “I have a little something for you.”
My insides jerked to a stop when I spotted the velvet blue ring box.
Shit. I’d forgotten all about the damn ring with its high and mighty history.
The box squeaked softly as Dad lifted the lid and showed me the pear-shaped diamond. It was kind of huge and would have totally engulfed Charlie’s finger. It wasn’t her style at all.
But I wasn’t marrying Charlie.
The ring was perfect for Shayna, the band covered in small diamonds. It was elegant, classy…everything she was.
With shaking fingers, I reached forward and lifted it out of the box.
“Wow,” I croaked.
“I know. It’s a beauty. And the story behind it is one of historic romance. It’s beautiful. Exactly what Shayna wants.”
“Yeah.” I nodded.
My body was stiff for some reason, and I nearly dropped the ring as I tried to slot it back into the padded box.
“Careful, son.” Dad steadied my hand, then chuckled. “I know you’re nervous, but you have no reason to be. She’s an amazing woman.”
“Yeah.” I swallowed. “Yeah, she is.”
“Then why don’t you look excited?” Dad’s eyes narrowed.
A cold sweat broke out on the back of my neck as I licked my lips and lied. “How much did it cost?”
“Is that your concern?” Dad laughed again and gave my shoulder another squeeze. “Don’t worry about paying me back. I’ve got you covered. Think of it as a gift from your mother and me.”
I grimaced. “It’s okay. I’ve got the money.”
“You just leave it in that trust fund a little while longer. You’re going to need all the help you can get when you move to New York. It’s an expensive city and you’ll have a wife with expensive tastes. Believe me, I know all about that.” Dad’s laughter grated on my nerves.
“You ever regret marrying Mom?” The question came out of frickin’ nowhere and surprised us both.
His dark eyebrows popped high while I clamped my lips together, already dreading the response.
“Of course not. Where’s this coming from?” Dad’s voice dropped low with concern.
“Nowhere, I just…” My right shoulder hitched. “Marriage is a big deal.”
“You getting cold feet?”
“Uh… No. I don’t know.” I shook my head and looked to the floor.
“Hey, listen to me for a second.” Dad wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Doubts are normal. It’s okay to be a little nervous. There are plenty of girls in this world you could fall in love with. And plenty that would fall in love with you. But you have to use your head as well as your heart. Shayna’s a good woman. You come from the same backgrounds, and you have so much in common. It’s an easy match. Marriage can be hard sometimes, but if you marry someone with all the same values and aspirations, then half your battle’s already won.”
My mouth dried up as I listened to him.
“Everybody’s expecting you to ask her, Nixon. That’s why they’re here.”
My stomach bunched into a tight knot.
“You two make each other happy. This match makes sense. Your mother has been delirious since you two got together.”
My head bobbed, but my throat was too thick to speak.
“I remember questioning myself before I proposed to your mother. Was I making the right choice? What if there was someone better out there that I hadn’t met yet? But you know, you can’t think that way. Choose Shayna now, and I guarantee you won’t regret it. Being with her will make for a smooth sail.” Dad pulled away and gave me a bright grin. “So, unless you can give me a perfectly good reason not to marry her…”
I went still and thought about Charlie. She flittered through my mind, a rainbow feather that had enchanted me and then left me empty when she floated away on the breeze.
“Nixon?” Worry deepened the wrinkles around Dad’s eyes, his joke giving way to anxious surprise. “Do you have a good reason?”
“No,” I finally croaked. “No, I don’t have a good reason.”
It was the truth. Shayna was all the things Dad said she was, and I didn’t have a good reason not to marry her.
Because Charlie wasn’t a good reason.
She was an unreliable reason based solely on heart.
“Alright then,” Dad murmured. “Well, why don’t you get on out there and make your mother and me proud?”
I swallowed, my head bobbing like my neck was made of silly string.
“Son.” Dad paused with his hand on the door knob. “This family has been through a lot of pain with losing Reagan and…all.” He cast his eyes to the floor. “But the last two years have been a real ray of sunshine for us. I can’t express how much it means to feel this kind of joy again.”
How the hell did I rebut that?
Forcing a smile, I nodded at him
to open the door, then made my way down to the living room.
My shoes echoed on the polished wood, sounding ominous as I approached.
The second Mom spotted me, she let out a delighted greeting and soon every eye in the room was zeroed in on me.
I focused on Shayna and willed myself to walk toward her.
She smiled at me, sweet and excited, already knowing what was coming.
Pushing down the ravenous nerves, I walked around the couch and found a place beside her. Glancing at her parents and extended family, I gave them a shy smile before looking at Dad. He nodded, then winked. And I did the only thing I could.
Hitching my pant leg, I dropped to one knee and set a stable course for my future.
No rainbows.
No trips around the world.
But security with a beautiful woman who loved me and would always be my gravity.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Charlie
I spent the night crying in my room. I heard Fliss and Maestro come home but pretended to be asleep when she popped her head in to check on me. She snuck out with a soft apology, and I clung to my pillow to muffle the tears.
By the time I got up at nine o’clock to take a shower, I was shattered.
I just wanted to soak in a hot spray before officially going to bed.
I was a worn-out, tattered mess, my head pounding while my heart disintegrated. I hadn’t cried so much since I’d left Nixon four years ago. Aunt Jessica wasn’t there to mop up my tears either.
It was tempting to go to Mom. She’d hug me, but then she’d also swaddle me in advice that would be more a pep talk than anything. I couldn’t stomach it.
I could just head back to Montana. There was a certain sense of solace there.
But then what?
After a few months I’d get bored and need to move again. I couldn’t keep spending my life jumping from Montana to LA to Seattle to Portland, then down to San Diego. I couldn’t keep doing that. All the different jobs, the constant sense of restlessness.
The wedding photography gig had been my steadiest income and I kept coming back to it. But the thought of doing that, like actually enduring another wedding, kind of nauseated me. It was fine when there was still a chance of true love for me. I could snap photos of the couples kissing and committing their lives to each other, secretly hoping that one day I’d be that bride, kissing Nixon.
My wedding wouldn’t be white and traditional.
I’d come up with all sorts of colorful, wacky scenarios.
But I couldn’t waste my time doing that anymore.
That chance was over. My hope was gone.
I needed something to channel my focus, bring me out of the depressing vortex.
I needed clarity.
Switching off the shower, I quickly dried myself and decided to chat with Fliss. She always made me talk until I could think clearly. She was so wasted on animals. She should seriously be studying psychology, not doing veterinary training.
“We need wine, chocolates and a good chat.” I flicked off the bathroom fan and heard a soft moan coming from the living room.
My nose wrinkled, and then I rolled my eyes.
“That better be a frickin’ movie,” I muttered, tying back my hair as I stomped down the hallway.
But no. Lucky me. It was a live-action romance featuring my roommate and her rock star boyfriend.
Fliss was on Flick’s knee, mewling as his hands gripped her ass and they got busy with a heated make-out session.
Jealousy ripped through me like a green monster, and it took everything in me not to throw the TV remote at their heads.
“If you guys do it on the couch again, I’m seriously burning that thing!”
They jumped apart. Fliss yelped and laughed as she reclasped her bra, then straightened her shirt. Flick’s eyes were hot with desire when he winked at her.
She giggled and turned to face me.
Maestro scampered across the wooden floor and I crouched down to give him a quick pet while glaring at my roommate.
Her smile was near blinding as she skipped over to me. I stood, preparing myself for the worst. Fliss only got super giggly when the news was epic.
“You’re not going to believe it.” She stole a glance at Flick who grinned at her. She giggled and held up a trembling hand. “I’m engaged!”
The only response I could manage was a little squeak as I took her hand and gaped at the ring.
It was a simple diamond…a freaking huge simple diamond, but still nothing fancy. The rock was set inside a band of white gold. Stunning yet subtle. So incredibly Fliss.
Flick snickered as he rearranged the beanie on his head. “I know. The last thing you expected, right?”
I looked at him, still struggling to form a sentence.
“Truth is, I was just going to ask her to move in with me, but then I figured if we were going to be living together, we may as well be engaged, you know?”
“So freaking traditional. The last thing I expected from you, baby.” Fliss shook her head, staring at the ring in wonder.
Flick smiled at her, the gooey kind that makes girls swoon, and whispered, “Complex, sweetness.”
She rolled her eyes and giggled again.
“Wow.” I finally breathed, then forced myself to choke out the best congratulations I could. “I’m so happy for you guys.”
I was. It didn’t seem like it in that particular moment, but I seriously was. Fliss and Flick may have been on and off again, but they always came back together. They were made for each other, even in those moments when they didn’t want to be.
It was good that Flick acknowledged that. I was happy for Fliss.
It was great.
I was…happy.
Fliss gave me a pained smile. “I know this is kind of springing the whole moving out thing on you, but I’m not actually planning on leaving until the summer starts. I’m so close to classes here, so it makes sense to move after they’ve finished.”
“Of course.” I nodded.
“You’re not…upset, are you? I can help you find a new roommate.”
“No.” I brushed my hand through the air. “I’m not even sure what I’ll be doing this summer, so the timing could be perfect for us to let go of this place.”
“Oh, okay.” Fliss’s pale eyebrows rose. “Do you have a plan?”
“Not yet.” I winked, making her laugh. She was too euphoric to notice how forced I was being, and that kind of suited me. It wasn’t the time to shit all over her happy parade with my depressive wanderings.
Squeezing Fliss’s hand, I forced my brightest smile. “Seriously, it’s so awesome. I’m so happy for you guys.”
They grinned at each other and I could feel the vibe electrifying between them. They’d be having sex soon, and I didn’t want to be around to hear it.
I was about to step back towards the door when Flick said, “Let’s get going, sweetness. The guys are all waiting at the house to celebrate.”
Fliss let out this girly squeal and sprinted to her room. “I’ll just grab my stuff.”
“You want to come, Chuck?” Flick pulled the keys from his pocket.
I shook my head. “No, I’ve got a…”
His eyes narrowed at the corners, reading me in ways I didn’t want him to.
“I am seriously happy for you guys.”
“That’s the third time you’ve said that in about five minutes.”
Damn his keen eyes and intelligence!
“But I am. I swear.” I licked my lips when his scrutiny didn’t let up. “I’m just…uh… I’m having my own personal crisis right now and before you ask me if I’m okay, please don’t. I’m not ready to talk about it.”
He pursed his lips and nodded. “I get it. But whatever the hell it is, don’t let it eat you alive. You beat that bitch with music or action or whatever you need to do.” He tipped his head toward the hallway. “You know Fliss will listen to anything you have to say, right?”
&nb
sp; I gave him a closed-mouth smile. “Yeah. But not on the night she gets engaged, okay?”
He snickered and raised his eyebrows with a nod. “Look, I know it’s a big deal to lose her. You guys have had fun here. But just because she’s moving in with me doesn’t mean she won’t be there for you.”
“I know,” I whispered before shuffling away from his penetrating gaze.
He thought I was gutted because I was losing my roommate. And for sure, I was. I loved living with Fliss. But that wasn’t what was killing me.
As I stepped into my room and leaned against the back of my door, the thing that made my knees buckle was the truth that all the people I loved were moving on.
And I was stagnant.
Stuck in this holding pattern.
Waiting for something that was never going to happen.
My stomach jerked with a sob, but I wouldn’t set it free. I’d cried enough to last me the next two decades.
I slammed my teeth together and wiped my finger under my nose.
I had no idea how long I sat on my floor doing that. Fliss called out a goodbye. The front door shut behind her. Maestro’s nails clicked on the floor. He sniffed around my door for me, and when I didn’t respond he disappeared, no doubt to his squishy bed in the living room.
My butt was sore and aching by the time I finally moved. Crawling over to my computer, I opened Spotify and scanned the playlist, looking for something to get me out of my funk.
Music had magical qualities and damn, did I need some magic in that moment.
Pushing my finger up the mouse pad, the list of songs in my extensive playlist turned to white fuzz.
I couldn’t even find music to listen to.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I bashed my finger onto the pad with a yell.
And soft piano music started up.
I recognized the tune within eight beats—“Carry On” by Fun.
Sitting motionless on my knees, I stared at the screen until it became a blur. The lyrics spun around me, sinking in and speaking to me the way music always had in the past.
The sad voice understood me and I gazed up at the ceiling, fighting tears.
Rather Be (A Songbird Novel) Page 14