"What is their phone number, Tony?"
He turned back to look at me. The fear in his eyes broke my heart.
"Call them all. If you're going to make me do this, I want all of them here so I only have to say it one time."
He gave me the phone number and I walked outside to make the phone calls. I called his parents first. I had only met them the one time at Mike’s fight, but I was lucky that they remembered me. At first, they didn’t understand why I would be calling them in regards to Tony and then telling them that they needed to come over to his house. I could sense the fear in their voices, but they did not question me. They just said they were on their way. The boys were harder. They questioned me a lot. I told them I didn’t have the answers that they needed, they just should come over as soon as they could. I asked Jason to not bring Heather. That really brought on more questions. I just told him it was a family matter and that he could tell Heather later himself. He argued that Heather was already considered family and I agreed with him, but I stayed firm on my decision. Both boys said they were on their way. I hung up the phone and walked back in to sit in the family room with Tony. I took my seat again on the floor and this time just held his hand.
Twenty or so minutes later, Mike walked in with Jason right behind him. When they took in Tony on the couch, they immediately rushed over. Tony reassured them he was going to be okay without divulging too much information. We all sat and waited another ten minutes until their parents arrived. You would have thought his mother's reaction to his appearance would have gotten to me. It did, don’t get me wrong, but it was his dad that looked broken and it crushed my heart. There is something about seeing a man that comes across so strong, breaking down. It just hurts worse than anything. I said my hellos but I never got up from the floor. I leaned up to whisper in Tony's ear, “I can go now if you'd like me to?"
He squeezed my hand and said, “Please stay." that was all he needed to say.
I sat there quietly while Tony explained everything to his family. So many questions were being thrown back and forth. Everyone in the room in the end was bawling their eyes out. His parents decided that they wanted him to come stay with them through the remainder of his treatment. Tony reluctantly agreed. His mother went to his room to pack up his things. His father stayed silent. His brothers just sat there in a state of shock, with tears falling from their faces. After a period of time, Tony's dad went to help his mom. When his parents returned with his bags, Mike and Jason helped Tony up from the couch. He argued that he didn’t need to be babied, but the boys argued back that he needed to shut up and just let them do it. When everything was loaded in the car, including Tony, I hugged them all and watched them drive away. I knew Tony had his phone in his hand, so I sent him one last simple text
Me: U HAVE ME. EVEN WHEN U DON'T WANT ME. I WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR U, REMEMBER. IT’S MY TURN.
CHAPTER 31
By now everyone had found out about Tony. He finished his last round of chemo and this time, his hair fell out. It ended up taking more rounds than the doctors originally thought, but they believe the got it all this time. We all took turns doing what we could for him, but I found myself taking on the bulk of the responsibility. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust our friends, I just wanted to make sure it was done right. I think it was how I stumbled into this that had me feeling a stronger attachment. Tony and I talked about how crazy it was that I was the one he told first. He said, "It is only because I didn't really care what you thought." Asshole.
He moved himself back home after the initial treatment was over. He said his parents were smothering him and he just wanted to be in his home. Typical, stubborn man. His mom and dad fought hard, but they didn’t win the battle. There was no way Tony could keep up on the house while he was sick, so Jason and Mike took care of everything that had to do with the outside. They shoveled the snow off the driveway, took down the Christmas lights, and spread salt. You know what I mean by outside stuff. I cleaned the inside and cooked the meals. His mom brought food over, so most of the time I just heated it up. Heather helped me clean also. So I guess I really didn't do everything. It just felt like it. I know you all must think I have a superman complex or something. Maybe I do. Helping people when they need it is just what I feel I need to do. It is not a "want to" option. Having Colt in my life showed me, that just having someone there to share your pain with, can take it away sometimes. Or at least make it a little easier to bear.
Tony was back on his feet for now so no one had to do much. He let us all know he was competent on his own. I would give him whatever he asked for and then he would yell at me and say I treat him like an invalid. Ungrateful jerk. Apparently my need to nurture him went overboard. He had just become so important to me. Through all the tests and him being so sick from the treatments, we spent so much time together. We talked about everything. What he wants to find in a woman. What I need from a man. It cracked my ass up when he told me the only reason he stopped hanging out with his friends and started hanging with all of us was me. He really thought he had enough swagger to bring me in, as he put it. Now we both agree, it would be gross to go there again. When he asked me to stay that day, a friendship started that I don’t think I have another to compare it to. Today Tony told me I have to stay away. Don't get me wrong, trying to balance work, our friends, and Colt most importantly. Tony hasn’t been an easy task, so I was looking forward to surprising Colt.
I was driving over to his apartment thinking about how much better things have been between us since the day he got busted. He just seems happier. The monkey has finally been lifted off of his back. All the locks on the doors are gone. Things have just been great between us lately. I didn’t tell him I was coming by, he thought I was over at Tony’s. I stopped at home before I headed over to change into the sexiest lingerie I had ever seen. I bought it the day before at Victoria’s Secret. The dark green lace push up bra matched the crotchless panties. I can say for sure that I never would have thought to buy something like this before Colt. He just brings a kinky side of me out. I packed a bag of clothes so that I had something to change into after he ripped this off of me. I wrapped a coat around myself, so it was just me, my lingerie and my black stiletto five inch heels.
I pulled in to the parking lot, turned off my car and walked up to his door. I contemplated whether I should knock or not, when I remembered the lack of locks now. If he was home, the door was usually unlocked. I tried the knob and it was my lucky day, it opened. As I entered, I stripped my coat off so that I was exposed. I felt beautiful. I fluffed my hair and brought some of the hair from the back over my shoulders to play peekaboo with my breasts. I slowly walked around the corner, sliding my hand up the wall seductively. I looked up to see his reaction and screamed! There was a girl on his couch staring at me with her jaw dropped. I instantly covered myself. I ran back to the foyer to grab the coat off the floor when I heard, "Sadie, is that you?"
I wanted to scream "No, you stupid son of a bitch, it’s another one of your whores." but I didn’t. I would not even turn around to look at him. I picked up my coat and put it on. I grabbed my bag and only then did I convince myself to stand tall. I would not be ashamed. I turned to face him and his face pissed me off even more. He was smiling. Smiling!
"What is so fucking funny about this, Colt?" Just then Bryan walked around the corner.
"I didn't want to come in until you were covered. By the way, nice pick on the underwear, Sadie. You look fucking hot."
"Thanks, Bryan. Goodbye, both of you."
I turned back to the door and walked out. Colt followed me and then closed the door behind him.
"Sadie, wait. Let me talk before you storm off okay?" I spun around so fast. What could he possibly have to say? That I should have known better. That I should have called first. I know all this already. I didn’t need to hear him out. I needed to leave. So I continued to walk to my car. I had the door handle in my hand when Colt placed his palm on the panel blocking me from going anyw
here. I wanted to stand there and not say anything. I didn’t want to deal with this right now. I just wanted to go home. And then something snapped. I was fucking tired of running from things. So what did I do? I turned around and shoved him as hard as I could. He fell off balance, but as he corrected his stance, I shoved him again.
"You smiled, you stupid prick. You think it’s funny to be humiliated? Well asshole, it's not. So go back in your house and get back to whatever you were planning to do with that girl who is still waiting for you, or did you forget about her?"
"Her name is Marissa by the way and she's..."
"She’s what? I don't need to know the names of the girls you fuck! I just didn't think you brought them here. Obviously I was..."
"Wrong. You are wrong. Be quiet for one second and I can explain. She is Bryan’s sister. She flew in yesterday to check out the campus. She's thinking about going here after she graduates"
I was still reeling from the fact I was just humiliated. "Yeah right, Colt. You and Bryan can go finish whatever kinky ass shit you were about to get into and I..."
He grabbed me and kissed me. I tried to push him away but he would not let me go. He just continued to press his lips against mine. When I say he would not let go, I really mean he would not let go. Eventually I had to talk with his mouth still against mine.
"Are you going to stop anytime soon?"
"I could ask you the same question." He still had his mouth on mine. We looked ridiculous. Anyone watching us for longer than a minute would know we were not kissing. This was a standoff and I was not going to be the one backing down. Time moved so slowly. I wondered if he was getting cold. He had on no coat, socks or shoes. I knew I was freezing. At this point we were being down right stupid. As I stood there, I thought about everything he had said and it did make sense. I knew Bryan had a little sister. I also knew her name was Marissa. He had talked about her quite a bit. Maybe I was over reacting a little. I was getting frostbite by now and started to noticeably shake. Colt had begun shaking a while ago. Neither one of us were going to admit we were cold. I heard the door open but I wouldn’t look. Then I heard Bryan say, "Are you two that stubborn, really? Marissa and I have been watching you for the last ten minutes. Its twenty three degrees out here. I would say you need to kiss and make up but that isn't obviously working. How about you guys come inside and finish this?" Neither of us moved. I was taking a stand for once and I was not backing down. Even if I did know it was for no reason. Another five minutes had gone by at least, when Colt finally pulled away and said, "Fuck this, I'm freezing."
He grabbed me and threw me over his shoulder, carried me up the stairs and into his house. The whole time I was draped over him, I just kept screaming in my head "I won! I won! I won!"
Marissa ended up being very sweet. I felt so stupid at first, but she made me forget it even happened. The rest of the day went without drama. We rented movies off Netflix, ordered pizza and drank beer. I called Tony to check on him but he yelled at me again and told me to just have fun. Bryan and Marissa left a little after midnight. We started to get ready for bed and wait.... Did I forget to tell you we spent a good half an hour in the shower letting boiling water melt away the ice that had formed on all of our extremities? It was needed, let me tell you. Don't be a fool and try to prove a null point on one of the coldest days in winter with little to no clothes on. It is a bad idea. So anyway, Colt got to the tooth brush first so I put my moisturizer on while I waited for it. When he finished, he handed it over to me and then went into the bedroom. I brushed and then joined him in bed. When I got in, he pulled me to my comfy place and it was then that I felt all was right again between us.
It was the day before Valentine’s Day. Heather was telling me all about how she and Jason were going away to some ski resort in Denver that Mike hooked them up with. That dude knows some influential people. Shawn and Ashlee were going with them. I knew they were going to have a blast but there was a small part of me that hated that I didn’t have a boyfriend that I could do couple things with. Colt reminded me not too long ago that things haven't changed for him. He was still stuck in that place, where I was not anymore. There was only three more months left before they all graduated. What am I going to do?
After I helped Heather pick out what she should pack, she stopped folding her clothes and said, "Sadie, I know you wanted to come with us. I am sorry."
"No, it’s okay. I would love to see Colorado but I'm still young. I have plenty of time."
"That's not what I was saying and you know it. I found the letter."
I started to panic. "What letter?"
"Are you really going to try to play stupid with me?" She walked over to her drawer and pulled out one of the letters I had written Colt. "You don't know how close I was to giving this to him. How could you feel this strong and not tell him?"
"You wouldn't understand."
"Try me, Sadie. I do understand love. I'm in it. So please, tell me why you would choose to sit back and let all this time get away from you both and not tell him?"
"Because! I can't lose him!"
"Lose him? Why would you lose him?"
"Heather, please. It’s hard to explain."
"That's the problem, Sadie. It shouldn't be. It either is or isn't. Love doesn't have a middle."
"You know how he feels about making this serious. I love him, Heather. I can't lose what I have with him. If I tell him, I know what he will do. He already has before. He will walk away. And that means I will have lost him. But for good."
"I think you are making a mistake but this is your life to live. You might regret this. Can you see that part of all this? The what happens after he goes home and you didn't tell him part?"
"I think about it every day. But I am doing the right thing for us."
"If you really think so." She walked out of the room leaving the letter laying on the bed right in front of me. I could not help myself from picking it up. It was the one I wrote right after Christmas.
My dearest Colt,
I know saying my dearest sounds so corny. I thought of a million things I could say to describe you. All of them seemed just as corny, so I went with what you are to me, My dearest everything.
I just opened the bracelet that you got for me. It means more to me than you will ever know. That night, I felt like I was finally able to express to you my feelings, even if it was through a song. I wasn't sure how to read you after I was done. It seemed like you heard what I was trying to say and you felt something too. I feel like the gift confirms that I was right. You confuse me more than anything. When I look at the bracelet, I feel like a future with you just might be possible. The word "stay" kind of solidifies that. But then I question, how can you say one thing and do another? Every time you tell me what you want us to be, is every time I lie to you. I tell you I understand. I tell you I feel the same way. But every night I sleep in your arms, I tell myself that you love me too. I tell myself that you want more but you are scared. I tell myself that one day you are going to come to me and say everything you told me was a lie. Just like the ones I told you.
You make me feel special. Like I am not broken from James, but stronger because I made it through it. You make me feel like I am someone that should be worshipped. You make me feel like I am everything anyone could possibly need and I truly am starting to see myself that way. I’m not broken. I should be worshipped. But as far as being enough? How can that be true if I am not enough for you? The one man I want. The only man I have ever wanted to want me, doesn't. How can I feel whole if the man that holds my heart doesn’t want it? If I didn't already know that by telling you any of this I would lose you forever, I would confess it all to you. I would tell you that after you graduate, wherever you go, I will follow. That a day away from you already rips at my heart but a lifetime away would kill it. Maybe someday your two worlds can collide and I will be a part of that. Maybe even get to meet the little girl who holds your heart. I can only imagine how special she is. I'm sure you’
re wrapped around that little bundle of joy now. It is where you should be. But where do I fit in? I can’t end this letter being spiteful. I love you too much for that. Even if I don’t get forever with you Colt, I am so happy I got what I did. Maybe just maybe, you will know all this. Merry Christmas, Colt.
I didn't sign it because there was no point. He will never see this or any of the others I have written. I hate the girl in these letters. I can't stand that she is so desperate. It shows me how strong I need to be to have what I want. Giving him this would only make him see me as pathetic. I made him a promise that I could take what he was willing to give me and be okay with it. I need to be okay with it. The day was coming that I was going to lose him. Life has to go on after that, right?
Heather’s car was gone. When I went downstairs and found she was not there, I checked. I was alone again. After she and Jason got engaged she basically moved in with him. I understood the desire to spend every waking moment with the person you love. What they have is what I was growing to want. I could have sat around all day and felt sorry for myself or I could get my pathetic ass up and get ready for the full book I had waiting for me at work. Valentine’s Day made for another crazy busy time for clients to get in. Everyone wants to look good for their dates. Maybe that’s why I was feeling sorry for myself? Whatever the reason may be, I was done with it.
After I got showered and dressed I headed into work. Client after client bragged about where they were going or who they were meeting, it got old fast. Why I thought coming to work was going to get my mind off things is beyond me. Valentine’s Day makes everyone gush about love, enough already. By the end of the day I wanted to shoot myself. Just kidding guys, I am not suicidal. My last client was a name I had not heard in forever. Kaleb Wilson went to high school with me. Finally I had something to look forward to. Seriously, if I was having this hard of a time with the day before, how was I ever going to get through tomorrow? I welcomed the break in my train of thought when the receptionist announced Kaleb was here for his haircut. I walked up to get him and then fear hit me. He was one of James’s best friends. Does he know? What do I say to him about it all? So what did I do? I made a fool of myself.
Finding Solace Page 21