Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  I didn’t respond. I left it as though I could possibly still be asleep like he said. He was such a nice guy. What was I going to do? Colt has always been there for me and right now he needed me more than ever. I couldn’t let go of him. I was madly in love with that broken man and I needed to restore him back to the man I know he is. I finally got home forty five minutes later. Traffic sucked! Remind me never to leave that early again. It was eight o'clock and I hoped Heather or Tony were awake. I needed them badly. I called Heather first and it went straight to voicemail, ugh! Tony was next. It rang and rang. Just as I was about to hang up I heard a very tired Tony say "What." I put the phone back to my ear and said "Tony?"

  "You called me. Of course it’s me. What is wrong, Sadie? You’re awake before nine."

  "Funny Tony. I need you. I'm going to lose it and I need you." I started to cry and he said he was on his way and then hung up.

  A little while later Tony was walking into my house. He immediately came over and hugged me.

  "What happened?"

  "Colt."

  "What did he do to you? I will destroy him."

  "No, no, no. It’s not like that. Colt is already destroyed, Tony. He found out when he went home that his daughter isn't his. She's five! How could Jamie do that to him? What is wrong with people? "

  "Holy shit! I would say you’re kidding me, but I know you would never joke about this. You've seen him obviously?"

  "I just got back home. I picked him up yesterday and he lost it when we got back to his house. They took her from him, Tony. He lost custody."

  "How can they do that? He's her dad, no matter what."

  "That's what I said too, but there's so much more. When he found out that he has been paying all the bills while the biological father has been living there playing daddy for the last two years, he lost his shit. He found the dude at his work and beat the shit out of him. Assault charges were pressed against him. Oh and when she told him, they were at a park. He left them to go find the guy. On top of the fact he moved here and left them. They're calling it abandonment. It’s bad, Tony."

  "Everything he did I would’ve done myself. That mother fucker should be shot. I can't believe Colt didn't kill him. So legally, they are saying he stands no ground?"

  "That's what he said."

  "I don't practice family law but I will check into it for him. I know a colleague of mine that does. I will call her today."

  "Thank you so much! I didn't even think about what your job was, I just needed my friend."

  "I know, Sadie. But I have to tell you, it doesn't sound good. If the courts get involved..."

  "They have. A guardian ad litem told him that Colt would be better off letting their family mold together since she's so young still."

  "He's screwed. If the court already appointed a guardian ad litem to her and she spoke in favor of the family unit versus Colt, it’s over. He could appeal the verdict but it will cost him a fortune and in most cases do nothing."

  "He's already started the process."

  "Well then, we just sit back and wait."

  "Tony, he wouldn't speak at all this morning, nothing."

  "You have got to give him time. He will come around. If he didn't want space he would have said so with words, Sadie."

  "He wouldn't have given me any space at all if this was me. He's always protected me or made me feel better. How do I give up on him now?"

  "You’re not. You’re letting him heal. He would do this for you. It’s what caring is all about. If it will make you feel better, text him. Don't force him to talk by calling."

  "That's a great idea."

  "I'm full of them."

  "That's why I love you the way I do."

  "I gotta get going, but I love you too, and Sadie, don't push him. That man is in his own personal hell. Anyone would be if this happened to them. He needs to fight for himself to get better. Just be there when he's ready."

  I walked over to one of my very best friends and hugged him tight.

  "I will. Thanks again for being you. I will call you later."

  Tony started to leave but then stopped and turned around.

  "By the way, those flowers are even more beautiful in person. Don't give up on that one either."

  "That's a whole other conversation."

  "Yeah, I don't have time for that one. I will see ya later, Sadie."

  And then he was gone.

  I sat in the same place I had when Tony left two hours ago. I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what to write to either of them. I had it, at least I thought I did, but then I would hover over the send button and eventually erase it. I wasn't ready to walk away from Ash yet, but I could never walk away from Colt. First I was desperate to get Ash’s response sent.

  Me: HEY GOOD LOOKING! I HAVE THOUGHT A LOT ABOUT U ALSO. I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH U. I HAVE A FRIEND THAT IS GOING THRU SOMETHING AWFUL. I FEEL THE NEED TO BE THERE FOR HIM. SO I DON'T THINK I WILL HAVE MUCH TIME FOR AN US IF THERE WAS EVER GOING TO BE ONE. THANK U 4 EVERYTHING

  Send. Oh crap, what did I just do? Why isn’t there a fucking take back button on cell phones!

  I heard it come in and was terrified to look. Eventually curiosity won over,

  Ash: I UNDERSTAND. BE THERE 4 HIM. BUT I DON'T GIVE UP THAT EASY PRINCESS. IT’S JUST NOT MY TIME TO SHINE YET. ITS COMING

  I didn't respond. I would love to tell him he shines already, but Colt needs all of my time. Now onto Colt. I was scared to death to say the wrong thing. I had to do it.

  Me: U R SO SPECIAL TO ME. DON'T GIVE UP. U STILL HAVE FIGHT IN U LEFT. WHEN U R READY 4 ME I WILL BE HERE WAITING.

  Send. It was done. Now I had no choice but to wait.

  CHAPTER 36

  It has been two weeks. I had driven by Colt’s house and knocked on the door, no answer. I went to his work, he hadn’t. I called, no answer. I know Tony told me to leave him be. He had reminded me time and time again. The need I felt for him was so strong though. I knew he needed me too. So came the day it ended. I'm not patient. I couldn’t sit back and wait anymore. I left work and while I drove over to his house I was thinking about what I was going to say, I didn’t come up with anything. I just wanted to hold him and tell him it would be okay. When I got there I immediately climbed the stairs and started wailing on the door. No one answered. The longer I pounded, the harder it got on my hand. This was not working. I walked back down the stairs and looked around like I was going to find an answer, and then it came to me. One look at my car and I knew there was a tire iron in it. I grabbed the jack and then found the iron. What was crazy is what I planned to do with it. When I got to the top of the steps I swung with all of my might and broke the glass panel on the door. I continued to swing, breaking glass everywhere and he never even came to see what was happening. I reached around the inside until I found where to unlock the door. When it opened, there was still no reaction from inside. I started to shake uncontrollably. I couldn’t move forward through the house. I could not move an inch by choice. My body just started to jerk. Tears were falling from my eyes and it took me forever to even realize it. This can't be happening. Please God. Please. I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone. I was shaking so bad I couldn’t dial. I used voice dial and called Tony. It rang. When he picked up, I screamed for him to get over here. I stayed exactly where I was until Tony was in front of me saying my name over and over again. I snapped out of my daze long enough to scream again. "Why did I wait so long? I can't go back there, Tony."

  "He might not even be here. Did you think of that?"

  "No. (Why didn't I think of that?) Where would he go? He doesn't have a family anymore."

  Tony walked into the house. He came back to the door where I was with his hands in the air.

  "He's not here, Sadie. Now you have a door to fix. Good job." He laughed.

  "It’s not funny. I was so scared."

  "I know you were. It's okay. I’m sure he's fine."

  All the sudden we heard a car. I ran out th
e door and when I saw it was his, I ran down the steps so fast I tripped. My leg was cut open but I didn’t care. I needed Colt. I was almost to his car when a girl got out.

  "Walk much?" is what I heard come out of her mouth. Then Colt got out. "Sadie, what are you doing here?" The girl walked around the car and did everything she could short of have sex with him to show me what was up. He never shot her down. Right in front of me. I have been worried sick while he has been fucking around. I wanted to kill him myself.

  "What am I doing here? You’re fucking kidding me right now, right? I haven’t heard from you. I have come over, you don't answer the door, I call, you don't answer your phone. I go by your work, you haven't been in for weeks. No one has seen or heard from you, Colt."

  "Sounds like somebody needs to take a hint" came from the bitch. I never broke eye contact with Colt when I said, "I'm not the girl who can't take a hint. I'm the one you told all your secrets to. Do what you want. I'm done scaring myself to death wondering if you’re okay."

  He just looked down at the ground.

  "Oh and someone broke your door. You might want to get that fixed. A little birdy told me you knew how and that you might have done it before. Have fun with that, old man."

  By this time Tony was by my side grabbing my hand. He was trying to pull me away but there was something in Colt’s eyes I could not let go of. Then I heard, “Thanks for cleaning up the trash and taking it with you." I wasn’t sure what she was talking about or to whom, until I noticed Tony’s hand flinch. I looked up and it clicked that she was talking to him about me. No, she did not.

  I wanted to slap her but after seeing Colt I wanted to do nothing more than to cry. "Trash is what you throw away, right?" I looked right in Colt’s eyes as I finished with, "Then you’re right. I did get fucking tossed. Good luck, sweet heart. He's all yours."

  I started to let Tony pull me away when she said, "Good riddance, bitch."

  Tony let go of my hand almost like he was giving me the thumbs up. It was good enough for me. I walked back to them and stepped in her space.

  "You don't understand this situation. You didn't have anything to do with it. Keep your fucking mouth shut. Do you understand what I am saying?" She said nothing. Colt never moved. I felt that I got my point across and turned to leave. Once my back was to her "Cunt" came out of her mouth and my fist flew. I punched her as hard as I could, right in the nose. I felt it crack with impact. I stepped back, looked at Colt and said, "Take care of your girl. I think she might have broken her nose."

  This time when I walked away she stayed quiet. I got in my car and drove off. How could he do that? Easy, he's been doing it all along. He has never been with only me. This isn’t new. And to top it all off, my fucking leg is killing me.

  Tony must have called me as soon as he got in his car. When I answered, he was laughing his ass off.

  "Sadie, you punch like a girl."

  "This isn’t funny, Tony."

  "It’s fucking hilarious. You broke that bitch’s nose. I was wondering if you were going to run off and cry or finally stand up for yourself."

  "I don't care about her. Colt has been fine! He had me worried sick and he's perfectly fine."

  "Now Sadie, I wouldn't go there yet. He is far from okay. Maybe this is how he's coping, but he's not fine."

  "I'm done. Fuck him."

  "No, you’re not. The man back there was a shell. Couldn't you see that?"

  "He doesn't want me anymore."

  "He doesn't want to need you. There is a difference. I told you to give him time. You didn't listen."

  "Sorry, Master Yoda. I didn't realize it would hurt me to want to help him or I never would have gone there."

  "You can't help everybody, Sadie. Sometimes they have to fix themselves."

  Five more weeks later and nothing had changed. I can't say I am reacting the same way I did the last time he left me. This time I was pissed off. When I finally did get a chance to talk to Heather, she even made me mad.

  "Sadie honey, I know it hurts but it’s not like he cheated on you and you guys broke up. This is different. He needs to figure himself out and you need to finally tell him how you feel. He needs to feel in control and wanted. You’re telling me you really can't relate to that? I personally never agreed to the way you were dealing with your pain, but isn't Colt just doing the same thing?"

  "Heather, if you knew the way it was the last time we were together. It was awful and beautiful all wrapped into one. He gave himself to me that night."

  "Or he just gave up on himself and didn't give you anything. He's lost. If you love him the way I think you do, talk to him."

  "I can't. He broke my heart. I always thought he felt the same way I did. I was wrong."

  "If you say so."

  That is the kind of support I have been getting. They all suck.

  Everyone was meeting up at ‘51’ tonight for a farewell to some of the employees. Graduation is in less than a month. With finals coming up, they all needed to focus on their grades, so the jobs are going away. Dave, Bryan and Geoff all put in their notice. It’s not as if we wouldn’t still be coming here. The bar management set this little party up. When I said management, I meant Shawn and Colt. I was scared to death that he would be there. I hadn’t run into him once since that day at his house. I had been working and going home. Lindsey and Kaleb had invited me out a couple of times also. I turned them down too. I couldn't face Ash. That man does something to me that makes me lose control. What I needed now more than anything is control. After work, I went home to get ready. Lately I haven't been putting as much effort into my appearance as I used to. Tony says I look like a slob, asshole. Tonight I felt different. I wanted to look better than I ever have. I pulled a royal blue strapless dress from my closet, held it up and threw it on the floor. Then it was jeans and a bright yellow backless shirt, floor. This went on forever until I found it. The sapphire blue satin halter top that picked my boobs up and placed them in perfect land. I paired it with white sailor pants and leather camel strappy heels. Chunky dangle bracelets and large hoop earrings. I left my hair down which was a change up from my latest style. When my makeup was done, I looked in the mirror and thought, ‘You got this’. I grabbed my clutch and was on my way.

  When I walked into the bar there was no one working the front that was my friend. Too weird. I walked toward the back and heard Tony whistle. My head followed the sound and my eyes landed on my group. A mental picture was taken of this moment where everyone was together having fun. Mike was the first, as always, to greet me by flinging me in the air.

  "You look stunning. A couple years really does make a difference. You have morphed from a pretty girl into a breathtakingly beautiful woman."

  "Wow Mike. That was so sweet." I kissed him on the cheek and then said, "But you still can’t have me." Then I slapped his cheek a couple of times. He busted out laughing. Then he set me down and said, "Damn it. I thought I did pretty good with that one. You women are too hard to figure out." I laughed at that until my stomach hurt and then responded "Yes, we are."

  Tony got up to give me one of the hugs that only he could give. I then made my rounds to make sure everyone was hugged and kissed. Heather lifted a shot glass from the center of the table and handed it to me. "You’re going to need it, trust me."

  Fuck! Who wants to hear that. So I did exactly what she said to do, but I did a lot more than just the one. A couple hours later we were all laughing and talking. Dave was cracking jokes at Bryan’s expense and I just thought about how much I truly am going to miss all of them. Bryan punched Dave and then we were all laughing again when Dave fell out of his chair. Jason was talking about the fight he was getting ready for, that was coming up in six months and Mike of course was still training. He still had a title to defend. Ashlee and Angie were planning on staying close after they went home. They have become great friends. I felt like everyone had something to look forward to except for me. And then Shawn dropped the bomb.

  "Hey
everybody, did you here Colt is going to be one of the head coaches for WIU's wrestling team?"

  Everybody was shocked and excited for him, but I knew different.

  "No, he's not. He turned them down months ago." When I said it everyone looked at me. It just hit me that it was the first thing I had said in a long time.

  I had been just listening to them all, taking in what was to come. Shawn corrected me by saying, "He did turn them down initially, but he called them back to see if they filled the position yet and they hadn't. He accepted it tonight. He just told me when I went into the office a couple of minutes ago."

  "Oh" was all I could say. I picked up another shot and downed it. The conversation went on but I folded inward. Tony walked over to stand behind me and put his hands on my shoulders for support. He always knew what I needed. I excused myself a little later and went to the bathroom. After I relieved myself and washed my hands, I looked in the mirror. With as drunk as I was, I could not figure out how could I still look so good on the outside, when I was crushed on the inside. I walked out of the bathroom and went straight over to the same karaoke guy that has been working the place since they brought it in.

  "Beautiful little Sadie! Are you going to bless us with your talent tonight?"

  "If I can?"

  "I don't care who's in line next on the sheet. If you’re willing, you can go next."

  "That would be great."

  I stood there until the guy singing a country song was done. Then it was my turn. I never felt so vulnerable and so ready to put it all out there in my life.

  I told the man what I wanted to sing and his response was, "Oh great. You really want to see me cry don't you?"

  "I just need someone in particular to hear the words."

  "Well I'd say good luck, but I know if you’re singing it, whoever you’re trying to reach out to will hear you loud and clear."

  "I hope so."

  I took the microphone and waited for the music to start. Phil Collins "Against all odds" was the best that I could do. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This was my last chance. The intro was done so I had no choice but to begin.