“It’s not! I mean, it should be; it would be perfect.”
I kissed her forehead. “It is perfect. What time should I meet you there?”
She looked up at me with her big eyes. “Six, of course.”
“Tuesday at six it is.”
And then that knot in my chest tightened even more, and I knew exactly why.
I had just spent over two months living with the girl of my dreams. We slept together, we ate together, we ran together, we biked together, we swam together, and we hiked together. We talked, we laughed, and we even cried together. I never left her side. As I had said, it was the best summer of my entire life. Never once had I felt that close to another human being. Never once had I cared about someone else’s life as much as, and possibly more than, my own.
And that scared me more than anything. She asked me to go away with her, and I didn’t even think before jumping on board. Who was I turning into? Was I ready to be that guy? Was I ready to be in a serious relationship? Were we supposed to talk about that? Was I not supposed to sleep with any other woman? Did I even want to sleep with anyone else?
I think the fact that I asked myself those questions at all, gave me my answer. The weight on my chest wouldn’t budge. I was about to do something very stupid.
“Hey, where’d you go?”
“What?” I shook from my thoughts.
“One second you were here, and then you sort of disappeared.”
“Right, yeah, sorry…” I covered. “I was just thinking about what I’m going to say to my father.”
“Are you ready?”
“Yes. I mean, no. I have to be. But he’s not home yet, so that at least gives me some time to think of what I’m doing.”
“Where is he?”
“My parents have been in the Hamptons the last month. They get back tomorrow.”
“And yet you still stayed at my place the last month… interesting.”
“I told you… I really did enjoy you taking care of me.”
“And all the sex wasn’t bad.”
“All the sex wasn’t bad at all.” I smiled at her, trying to hide my distraction.
“Well, if they’re not home anyway, you might as well stay with me one more night.”
She snuck her arm behind my back and around my side. How was it so easy for her? Did she forget how we met? How our relationship began? Did she not have fears?
“You just told me you have a treatment to work on, and I’m pretty sure I’d be a distraction. Or, at least, I’d make myself a distraction.”
“Eh, there are six other days to work on that… one more night won’t kill me.”
I sighed. “While I would love to take you up on that, I do feel as though I should get home and get settled in before they return.”
“Okay.”
“Plus, I don’t want to be a bad influence on you.”
She kissed my cheek before whispering, “Life wouldn’t be exciting without a little bad influence.”
Then she moved her hand up my leg, slowly massaging her way up to her prize. God, this woman was amazing. I indulged in her torture for a few seconds until the waitress came over to drop the check.
“Anything else I can get for you?”
Ashley’s phone began to ring. “Sorry, I should take this.” She smiled at the waitress and ran toward the door.
“Sir?”
“That’s all, here you are.” I handed her my credit card and watched her walk away.
She was pretty, with long chestnut hair and bright blue eyes. She had a bit of weight to her, but in that curvy, sexy way. Had I not been so enthralled with Ashley, I would’ve absolutely made some sort of enticing compliment and seen to it that by the end of the evening, I had her in my bed.
But the thought didn’t even cross my mind.
That is, until she handed me the receipt with her phone number proudly written on the top.
What had I been doing? I was young, rich, and virile, with still another year of law school looming around the corner. I couldn’t be tied down to one woman. What would that look like? Me: Teddy, billionaire playboy, in a serious relationship? It wasn’t my style.
This is when I began blaming her for that day on the beach. I wasn’t ready to be the man she was trying to turn me into. I wasn’t ready to grow up. Ashley was trying to suppress my natural tendencies. Who did she think she was? What right did she have to do that?
But I think the actual question swirling around my head, the one I refused to say aloud, was: when was Ashley going to realize that she was too good for me? She had so much drive, so much potential, and so much heart. I would only hold her back. My father’s threats, my fear of commitment, my deep-rooted insecurities: they would only cause her to stray from her goals, her dreams. One day she would wake up and realize that I wasn’t worth all that.
And on that day, it would break me in half.
I stared at the phone number as I ran through these ramblings in my head. They made sense… or at least I made them make sense. I was the only one who knew what was right for me. I would choose my own destiny.
“Sorry about that.”
“What?” I quickly folded the bill and shoved it in my pocket.
“The phone call.” Ashley held up her phone, no doubt confused at my awkwardness.
“Oh, right.”
“Okay… you ready to go?”
“Yeah, yeah… um, I’m going to go.”
“Yes, me too.”
Wow, I was not good at this.
“Right. Would you like a ride back to your house?”
“My car is here.”
“Perfect, so I’ll see you next week.”
“I’ll probably talk to you before then.”
“Yes, of course.”
She put her hands on my chest. “Teddy, are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Something is happening that’s… different.”
“I’m fine, Ashley. I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Okay.”
I silently walked her to her car and kissed her on the cheek before seeing her off. The twinge in my chest was now stronger than it had ever been. I was about to do something unforgiveable. Earlier, I said: But I was young, I was afraid, and I had no idea what I was experiencing. When you don’t know what it is, love is a pretty scary thing.
That’s the only excuse I can offer for why I waited until her car was out of view and then turned around and walked right back into that restaurant. I grabbed the chestnut-haired waitress by the hand, told her that her shift was over, and led her to my parked car outside of the building.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Teddy
“This place is huge.”
“Yup.”
I wasn’t interested in small talk. I wanted to get her clothes off, and I wanted to fuck her. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn’t need Ashley. I wanted to prove to myself that I was still a man. I took a step closer to her, willing myself to kiss her.
But it just felt wrong.
“Tequila?” I offered.
“Gross, no.”
I walked over to the liquor cabinet and took a swig of Mezcal, just for myself. I needed something to help push this along. Sober me was not at all into it. I brought the bottle with me as I made my way back over to her. I took another gulp before my fingers found the tiny buttons on her shirt.
“Should we go upstairs?” she asked.
“No.”
I didn’t want to take her upstairs. I didn’t want to pass my study where I had that fantasy of Ashley bent over my knee. And I definitely didn’t want to take this girl to my bedroom where I had spent countless nights pleasuring myself to nothing but the mere thought of Ashley.
The foyer would be good enough for this girl. I pushed her up against the chaise lounge and thrust her sleeves from her arms.
“Hold this.” I downed another shot of the Mezcal before handing her the bottle. I then stripped off my shirt and pants until I was
standing there in only my boxers. I took the bottle back. “Take off your skirt.”
“Right here?”
“Yes.”
“This window is really big.”
“The window looks over the backyard. There’s no one out there.”
Why was she making me talk so much? This was not what I signed up for.
She unzipped her skirt and slid it over her hips. She was a really pretty girl… I just had no interest. I tried to force myself to kiss her, but the thought put a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn’t even hard. What the hell?
So I thought about Ashley. I thought about our summer, and every morning I woke up next to her. I thought about her eyes, her smile, and her crazy laugh. Just the thought of her was more than enough to bring me to my senses.
“Is someone knocking?” asks the waitress, confused by the whole situation.
“What?”
“I think I heard something at the front door.”
“I didn’t hear anything.” Though I wasn’t really listening.
“Okay.”
Then I closed my eyes and my thoughts went back to…
“Ashley…” I murmured.
“Who’s Ashley?”
“I’m Ashley.” Said a familiar female voice.
What? Was that…? I opened my eyes to see Ashley standing by the now open front door. I was still beside the topless waitress, and neither she nor I were making any move to cover up.
“Ashley, what are you…?”
“What am I doing here?” She allowed enough time for me to slowly nod. “Well, I came to check on you, since you were acting weird at the restaurant. I thought something might be up… but now.” She shook her hands at me and turned around.
“Don’t go.”
“I’m leaving.”
The waitress looked around at me. “Should I leave?”
“Yes.”
“No!” Ashley yelled from across the foyer.
“Ashley, please.” I slid myself from my awkward position, pulled up my pants, and slowly made my way across the floor.
“Stay away from me, Teddy.”
“I want to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I’m sure no one wants to talk to me, so I’m going to just call a cab.” The waitress interjected.
I followed Ashley onto the porch.
“Put some clothes on, Teddy. You’re disgusting.”
“Promise me you’ll stay.”
“Why?”
“So I can explain myself.”
“I don’t need you to explain yourself. I can explain this for you. It’s over.”
“What? No.”
Not only an hour ago, that was what I convinced myself I wanted. I didn’t want to be tied down. I didn’t want to belong to someone else. I didn’t want to be in love. But hearing her tell me that it was over shot a shock through my entire body that could have bashed me to the floor. The wind was knocked out of me and all I could mutter was, “Why?”
“The simple fact that I walked in on you about to screw our waitress from breakfast should’ve been enough, but that’s surprisingly not it. You realize you were saying my name, right?”
“I do.”
“You like me.”
“I do.”
“Like a lot.”
“I do.”
“And that scares you.”
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. “It does.”
“And yet, instead of talking to me, like we always do, like we’ve become so good at, you decided to pick up the first girl you saw, literally, just so you could prove to yourself that you weren’t bound to me.”
She knew me so well, so much better than anyone else ever had… or ever even cared to, for that matter. And I let that happen. I let her in. I opened up to her. And then I pushed her away.
What the fuck was wrong with me?
As I predicted, she realized that I just wasn’t worth it. What I didn’t predict is that I would be the one to make her realize it.
The cab pulled up, and I went to call to the waitress that she could come out.
“Hey…!” I turned to Ashley in fear.
“Oh my God, you don’t even know her name, do you?”
I made a face and shook my head.
“Cab is here!”
We let her walk between us and climb into the cab without a word.
“You’re a pig.”
I turned to defend myself, but Ashley was already laughing.
“Hey!”
“No, come on, that’s bad.”
“It is; I’ll admit that.”
Then we were both laughing.
“I want you to know, while I find this hilarious, I don’t condone your behavior.”
“I don’t either! I blame you.”
“I had nothing to do with this.”
“You got me all frazzled!”
“No, you never knew her name.”
“I did so.”
“Why do you try to lie to me?”
“I don’t know. And yet, I keep trying.”
Why was everything so perfect with her? How did she have that way of just making everything better?
“I messed up.” I admitted.
“You did.”
“Can you forgive me?”
She wrapped her arms around my waist. I thought it was enough.
“This has nothing to do with forgiving you, Teddy. I don’t really know how to say this without sounding cliché, but… well, I don’t think we’re at the same place. Oh, bleh,” she made a face. “That was totally a cheesy line, I apologize.”
I held her tighter, not wanting her to continue.
“But I’m ready to fight for us, and I don’t think you are. And that’s fine! It really is.” She put her hands on my chest, looking up at me. “I’m not asking you to be ready for something you’re not. And I shouldn’t have asked you to stand up to your father. If you’re not ready, that is fine. Hell, I still haven’t made one ounce of progress on the cause of my father’s death. What right do I have to tell you to face your fears?”
I wanted to stop her, to tell her that she was wrong, that I was ready, but I couldn’t. I knew it wouldn’t be the truth, and about something this big…I couldn’t lie to her. So I let her continue.
“But because I care about you, I want you to know that I believe in you. Don’t let him win, Teddy. Be stronger than him. Don’t let him tell you who you have to become. Because this person… the person I know…” She rubbed my chest, right over my heart, “he’s pretty great. And he can grow up to be whomever he wants to be.”
I folded my hand around hers.
“Even a cowboy.”
We stood there, staring at each other for too long, and yet not long enough. We both knew that once we broke the stare, it would be over. I hated it, but I couldn’t stop it.
“I’m going to go work on my treatment now.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll… I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Next Tuesday. At six.”
“Teddy…”
“No, don’t… just don’t say ‘no’ yet. Think about it. I’ll be there, waiting.”
She climbed to her toes and pressed her lips to mine.
“Bye Teddy.”
“Bye Ash.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Teddy
The next flash was a board full of cities. I was at the airport. A rolling suitcase was resting at my side.
It was Tuesday.
It was 5:43. Portland, Oregon was the next flight to depart.
The board changed.
It was 5:56. Austin, Texas was the next flight to depart.
The board changed.
It was 6:01. Paris, France was the next flight to depart. Ashley was late. Ashley was never late.
The board changed.
It was 6:27. New Orleans, Louisiana was the next flight to depart. Maybe her interview ran long.
The board chan
ged.
It was 7:16. San Francisco, California was the next flight to depart. I had to account for traffic.
The board changed.
It was 9:03. Vienna, Austria was the next flight to depart. Any minute now…
The board changed.
It was 10:33. Miami, Florida was the next flight to depart.
10:34…
10:35…
Ashley wasn’t coming.
I bought a one-way ticket to Miami.
Summer was over.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Teddy
The void took over again and blackness filled the room. If I continued on the path of memories that I had been on, I knew my journey was almost over. Over the course of the next five years, I only saw Ashley a handful of times. I don’t know if it was pride, pain, or simply life just getting in the way, but something kept us apart.
I hated that something.
The next two years were interesting… and maybe too normal. I flew back from my solo trip to Miami the day before my final year of law school. School was fine: again, normal. I graduated with no problems, passed the bar with no problems, and even decided to go back for one more year in order to get my Masters of Law degree. It was fine, something to do; but mostly, I just wasn’t ready to commit myself to working for my father.
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