The Disappearance

by Gillian Chan

  It was Jon, and he was smiling at me.

  So, there it is.

  Now I have to decide what to do.

  I have to pay for what I did to Paddy. There’s no escaping that.

  I’ve had a lot of time to think about what I did. The losing control, the damage I did, they scare the shit out of me. I have to believe that it was a one-off. I am not like Foda. I am not like Paddy. I am not Danny. Jacob said that I wasn’t. I have to believe that. After all, he was right about everything else.

  I can’t tell them the truth: that I took a boy who had slipped through time back to the place where it happened in the hope that it would happen again, and that it did, but I don’t know how. If I do, I’ll be in the loony bin before you can say Jacob Mueller.

  I will tell them that we set out together, that Jacob wanted to run away because he wasn’t safe, that I beat Paddy up after he attacked Jacob. I’m praying that Matt will back me up on this. I think he will. Then my story admittedly becomes a little far-fetched. I will tell them that we were heading toward Kitchener, that Jacob had finally come clean and told me that he had relatives there, but that we got on the wrong bus. That we were tired and camped out and that when I woke up, Jacob was gone.

  It will be some time before the questions stop, but they will never find anything to disprove my story. The mystery that was Jacob Mueller will fade from everyone’s mind. I don’t doubt that it will get raked up from time to time, that my name will come up, that insinuations will be made about what happened. I can deal with that.

  Do I have regrets? Some, for sure. First of all, Paddy. What I did will always haunt me. I have to make sure that I never lose control like that again. Then there’s Chaz. He’s one of the good guys in all this. I am sorry that I can’t explain it all to him. He deserves to know who Jacob was and what really happened to him. I hate that Chaz probably thinks badly of me now. Adam is another worry. I have the means to help him get to safety and out of a system that will only damage him further, but I am unsure that I’ll be able to tell him what he needs to know to make that happen.

  It’s going to be tough, but I can handle it. I have to. I can handle it because I know that this time I didn’t fail. This time, I saved someone.

  © 2017 Gillian Chan

  Cover art/design by Kong Njo Edited by Lorissa Sengara

  Designed by Kong Njo

  Annick Press Ltd.

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  We acknowledge the support of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council, and the participation of the Government of Canada/la participation du gouvernement du Canada for our publishing activities.

  Cataloging in Publication

  Chan, Gillian, author

  The disappearance / Gillian Chan.

  Issued in print and electronic formats. ISBN 978-1-55451-983-5 (hardcover).–ISBN 978-1-55451-982-8 (softcover).–

  ISBN 978-1-55451-985-9 (EPUB).–ISBN 978-1-55451-984-2 (PDF)

  I. Title.

  PS8555.H39243D57 2017jC813’.54C2017-901686-5

  C2017-901687-3

  Cover photos: Forest © iStockphoto.com/anneleven; Shadowy silhouette of man © iStockphoto.com/xrrr

  Published in the U.S.A. by Annick Press (U.S.) Ltd.

  Distributed in Canada by University of Toronto Press.

  Distributed in the U.S.A. by Publishers Group West.

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