“I’ve started to fall apart here Izzy,” he says before moving his head back, kissing my neck and rubbing his nose gently across the pulse beating out of my skin. I can hear myself breathing as it speeds up to match my pulse, but I don’t dare respond.
“You’ve made me realize I need to start appreciating life and stop trying to let the past catch up with me all the time, fucking my life up. But love is absolute bollocks…I don’t believe in anything ‘love’…all love ever does is whisper empty words which have the ability to break me and break everyone around me,” he sighs in almost desperation as he lays his head back to rest on my chest. “I’m making no fucking sense here, am I? I sound like a right fucking pussy. But that’s all I’ve got for you Izzy. Right now…that’s all I’ve got.”
I don’t know what to say to that, the shock of his words playing in my head. Every emotion possible is running through me. So instead, I say nothing at all but continue to stroke his hair. Stupid right? I could kick myself. He doesn’t say anything more and his breathing becomes slow, deep and even so I slip out of bed trying not to wake him up and walk downstairs. Lying down on the couch I pull a blanket over me and try to get comfortable. Sleep doesn’t come easy though and I see every hour until four am.
Chapter Eight
I wake up sore and stiff from a night on the couch to Aiden spraying water at me with a water pistol. What the hell?
“Very grown up Aiden,” I shout, bolting off the couch soaked through.
“I know right? Classic,” he laughs, still squirting water at me as he chases me into the kitchen.
“Stop it you arse,” I laugh back at him. “What’s the time? I didn’t get much sleep last night, I’m bloody knackered. Am I late for the ten o’clock lecture?” I ask him, as I dry my face off with some kitchen towels.
“Nah, if you hip hop and scoot we’ll make it,” he winks at me with a stupid grin on his face.
“Hip hop and scoot…how old are you and what did you have for breakfast? I laugh at him.
“Twenty-three, Lucky Stars and they were yummy, thank you very much for asking.” He starts packing up his bag getting ready to go. I burst out laughing at him.
“So why did you sleep on the couch last night Izzy?” he asks and looks at me quizzically.
“Long story and we really don’t have the time for it now, let me just run upstairs and get ready so we don’t miss our bus,” I hastily reply and run off.
I sneak into my bedroom but Declan’s gone. I wonder how he feels this morning, if he’s as confused as I am. I quickly get ready so I can walk with Aiden to the bus stop. Aiden and I are sitting on the bus on our way to Uni sharing a bag of liquorice wine gums. Okay, so Aiden’s not the only one who’s playing the child card today, but I didn’t have time for a grown up breakfast and I’m starving and this is all I’ve got.
“So, Izzy..” Aiden suddenly breaks our silent liquorice munching. “‘The Standards’ have a gig tonight, are you up for it or will what happened last night make it too weird for you?”
“Aiden, it’s all good, of course I’d love to go,” I say. Actually I’m really excited to hear them play. Pretence is such a wonderful thing though isn’t it. I’ve done it before. I can do it again with Declan. Close guard yourself and no one will ever know. I learnt that early on in my childhood. I still have the scars to prove it.
Later that day I decide to go and see Mum, a reminder of why I shouldn’t let everything get to me, I still have a double life to lead. I feel relieved that the front of the house still looks immaculate; this means she hasn’t gotten any worse. I know gardening for her is almost like therapy and keeps her busy. Once again I find Mum in her bedroom. I wonder if she sees this as her safe haven, her cocoon where he doesn’t enter. I wasn’t that lucky, but maybe she is. Who knows?
“Izobel, I didn’t hear you come in darling. I wasn’t expecting you, are you hungry? Shall I make you something to eat, what about a drink?” she trails off and starts worrying her hands on the bedspread trying to flatten out the non-existent creases.
This is Mum in a nutshell, the one who aims to please others for fear of rejection. I believe she thinks if people are full and sated, they refrain from anger and spite. Maybe so, but I’m guessing this is what placates my Dad not the general population. I notice she’s knitting again; the colours have gotten slightly brighter. Do I read something into that or not, I’m not sure. I still haven’t got a clue what she’s making but I reckon if you stretched it out, it would serve as a great runner. I shiver and look back up at her.
“I’m fine for food, but it’s a nice day outside, why don’t we go sit in the garden under a quilt and share a bottle of wine?” I ask her trying to get her out of her room. She needs some fresh air to blow the cobwebs away I decide.
“Yes, that sounds perfect Izobel, I bought a new red to try at the shops yesterday,” she smiles and we walk into the kitchen, where she gets out two glasses and the bottle.
Stepping out into the Indian summer we sit down at the patio table. The afternoon goes so quick, Mum’s almost ‘normal’, we even manage to laugh about memories of Zack, which believe me is quite a feat for both her and me. My phone suddenly rings making us both jump. It’s playing ‘I’m sexy and you know it’; I burst out laughing in surprise and check the display. Yep it’s Aiden, I should’ve guessed. He must’ve gotten hold of my phone and set a new ringtone to his number. Accepting the call I say, “Don’t lie Aiden, there’s no way you work out, if so, can I suggest asking the gym for a refund?”
“Hahaha when did you become a comedienne? Just checking you’re still coming to the gig tonight. We have to leave in an hour and I have no clue where you are right this minute.”
“I’m in the garden sharing…” I count. “What looks like two bottles of red with Mum.” Oops how did I not realise, I look over at Mum who’s sitting with a stupid grin on her face and it makes me smile. “Right, so, yes…what was the question?” I’ve forgotten what he asked me, the sudden serenity in Mum’s face has stumped me.
“How much of those two bottles did you have?“ he laughs.
“Oh yeah, I know. I’m not quite the alcoholic yet Aiden. I’ll be with you as soon as I can, if you have to go, just go, and I’ll see you there, oh and I promise I’ll be there.”
Aiden tells me the name of the pub and I hang up looking over at Mum.
“Sorry Mum I have to go now, I really enjoyed our afternoon; promise me we’ll do this again very soon okay.” I stand up and lean over to kiss her cheek. She stands to hug me and I almost cry. When you haven’t seen a smile or pure happiness on your Mum’s face in a very long time it melts you to the bone when you do. She sits back down and I leave her sitting in the late summer sunshine. I stop for a minute and watch her closing her eyes turning her face up into the sun. My heart skips a beat and the pain is so intense I almost stumble. There really is beauty in pain. Until you’ve loved someone you don’t realise how painful love really is.
When I get back to our house, Aiden’s left already. I have a quick shower and stand in front of my closet wondering what to wear. I decide not to dress up, it’s only a night down the pub after all. I settle on my short denim skirt, a black fitted V-neck t-shirt and my black glittery flip flops; the weather still hasn’t turned that chilly yet but I bring my black poncho just in case. I dry my hair and add a few small braids in it, put a bit of make-up on; grab my purse and run out the door.
I haven’t been to this pub before but it looks packed. I can’t believe this is the first time I’ll hear ‘The Standards’ play and as I get closer, I can hear the music through the open windows. I walk in and head to the bar, scanning the pub as I do. The guys are up on stage mid-song and bloody hell, they look and sound amazing. I have to admit that I get chills and literally swoon, bouncing up and down clapping my hands like some sort of freaking weirdo fan girl. I mean the guys look hot up there, the song they’re playing rocks and the punters clearly love them. I wonder how many cool points I get
for this. I check myself, reign myself in and shyly look around to make sure no one saw me and my inappropriate ‘moment’. Unfortunately I’m so busted, by the good looking guy from the other night. He’s looking at me with a raised eyebrow and an amused expression. I give him a little wave and manoeuvre myself into a small space at the bar to get a drink. Same story, no one sees the short girl squashed between the big blokes. My saviour from the other night muscles his way in and I’m not surprised, he really is huge. I think he’s a good deal older than me too. Perhaps late twenties or even early thirties.
“So, I promised I’d be there for you when you needed me right? What are you having tonight and how many are you buying for?” he grins at me with a proper cocky expression.
“I need to get you a cape,” I laugh at him, before I reel of my order. “I’ll have a pint of orange lemonade and it’s just me, because my housemates are up on that stage right now knocking the roof off this place,” I beam up at him.
“They’re great; I’ve heard them play before,” he nods looking back up at the stage. He turns to me smiling cheekily. “So can we tell each other our names yet or is it more fun if we don’t?”
“As exciting as that sounds, I’m going to tell you mine if you tell me yours,” I laugh. “I’m Izzy and I’d be mortified if you guessed something horrible as it would make me want to question myself,” I smile at him and look back at the stage where the lads have just started a new song.
“Izzy, well that’s a perfect name, it suits you. I’m Connor.”
He passes me my drink and we move closer to the stage, chatting as best we can considering the loudness of the set being played. Every so often I sneak looks at Declan. Shit, he looks and sounds amazing up there. I notice he sings with his eyes closed, I wonder what he thinks about or whether he’s just in a musical trance doing his thing. I look at Aiden on the bass, he catches me looking at him and gives me a wink and an exaggerated pelvic thrust. Some drunken girls near him start shouting obscene sexual things at him. Poor them, they don’t know they don’t stand a chance. Or maybe they do and they think they’ll be the exception to the rule, as if that’s at all possible. Gah! What do I really know; I don’t even know what the hell I’m doing with Declan. I must stop analysing everything, but that’s what happens when you’re the poster child of therapy. I look back at Connor and instead of looking at the stage he’s looking at me. The way he’s looking at me; I think, actually I know, I’m in trouble. Remembering last night, I decide that as Declan’s laid no claim on me, flirting is completely okay. In fact whatever’s going on or has gone on between us, it’s no-where near anything that resembles a normal relationship. So yes, flirting’s okay. I also don’t want anyone to be so important to me that without them, I’d feel like nothing, and right now; how I feel about Declan, I have no doubt this would happen. So, I rationalise that it will not, and should not, stop me from having a bit of fun and some excitement in the meantime. I’m not an instigator; I would have to wait till Declan tells me it’s me he wants in no uncertain terms. I’m not going to wait and live like I’m taken despite my heart knowing that’s the path it’s already on. If Aiden’s right and Declan’s as messed up as me it’s probably not a good thing anyway. We’d be a mess together. But a beautiful mess…bollocks I can’t help myself. Now, I do realise that starting something when I feel like this would not in any way be fair on anyone. But it’s not going to stop me from having a bit of fun, and if it looks as though it may be turning into more, I know to get out. In that respect I still have enough of my heart left to recognize that.
Connor leans over and puts his empty beer bottle on the shelf next to me. He never leans back again, instead he shifts even closer. I find I don’t mind, I don’t feel crowded which can only be a good thing. It means that there’s a chance for me. We chat about the music we like and find we have quite a few bands in common. I’m a huge Biffy Clyro fan, these Scottish boys are geniuses and Connor agrees much to my surprise. Sofia and I are fanatical fans and haven’t met anyone else who’s as obsessed as we are. I explain to him how much music means to me. That there’s a song for every emotion and every situation. Our actions are spurred on and feelings are more intense, all of which is enhanced by individual songs. Music is life. Life without music would be unbearable. I couldn’t think of many things worse than not having music as a big part of my life.
Connor tells me about his job as a football coach at a private school nearby and how it was meant to be a stop gap until he found something else. He enjoys it too much to leave though so he figures he’s in the right place in life. Seriously, this guy is so good looking and has this passionate way about him, that I can’t stop smiling. When he goes to get us another drink my eyes wander up to the stage again. They’re starting another song and I immediately miss a breath and feel the chills travel down my body. Declan’s staring straight at me but I can’t read his expression, his eyes have frozen me to the spot and I can’t look away even though I want nothing more. How can he make me feel so cold yet so hot at the same time from just one look. I feel trapped in his gaze. The expression on his face is intense and I wish I knew what was going through his mind.
“Hey…..earth to Izzy,” I hear Connor say, he must’ve come back with our drinks. I tear my eyes away from Declan and look up at Connor.
“Fancy going to sit outside for a bit?” I ask him. I need to get away from the intensity I feel coming from the stage.
“Sure thing Izzy.”
Connor follows me out as we go and sit in the pub garden to talk. I can still hear Declan’s voice drifting out through the open windows. It’s bizarrely comforting now instead of feeling awkward, I think the distance is helping. After a few more songs it sounds like ‘The Standards’ are wrapping up their set and the pub bell rings for last orders.
“I think I’m going to walk home now Connor, I’ve had a really nice night, so thank you, make sure you apologize to your mates for abandoning them for me.” I stand up and get ready to leave.
“I’ll walk you home Izzy and don’t worry, they’re big lads they can look after themselves.” He takes my hand and walks along with me. Walking in silence back to the house I suddenly get all nervous and haven’t got a clue what to say. So I say nothing. My confidence is obviously going to take a while longer to rebuild.
“Right….well, this is me,” I say as we reach the steps outside the townhouse. I look up at Connor and smile, a smile he returns. This guy has a blinding smile.
“So Izzy,” he asks. “When can I see you again?”
I’m not sure what to answer here because the way he’s looking at me right now, I know I could be in trouble. A complication I don’t need, then again maybe I do. I pull out my phone. “Give me your number; I’ll ring it now and then you’ll have mine.”
After we’ve swapped numbers he leans down and gives me a kiss on my cheek and waving him off, I walk inside. I leave the light off in my room, put some music on and sit in the comfy chair by the bay window. My mobile vibrates alerting me to a new text message.
Connor: I know it’s not cool to be this eager but are you free on Wednesday?
Me: LOL I think so
Connor: Great. Dinner at 8?
Me: Yep, come pick me up
Connor: Look forward to it. Night Izzy
Me: Night night, don’t let the bed snakes bite
Connor: No danger there, only got one and he’s a close personal friend of mine
I burst out laughing at Connor’s crap joke, put my phone down and go to bed. I’m not sure how long I’ve been asleep for, but I wake up when I hear some noise outside the window, the boys are back. I don’t want any confrontations; I feel too happy and sleepy right now. I don’t want this feeling ruined and taken away from me. I curl up under the covers and try to go back to sleep. A while later I hear my door creak open and footsteps coming over to my bed. I know its Declan but I don’t open my eyes. He stands there for what feels like ages, I can feel his eyes on me. I’m fighting the
irresistible urge to open my eyes, which is proving extremely difficult. Just before I lose the fight, I hear him whisper softly to me while he places his hand on my hair, stroking the tips of his fingers down my face.
“I wish I had the guts to put my faith in someone else, but I don’t even trust myself, so how can I put my faith to the test with you? You deserve everything Izzy, everything good; you deserve that pedestal more than anyone I know. I knew it the minute I met you. I saw it in your eyes.”
He lets out a deep exhale before he leaves. I’ve never had to fight this hard to pretend at being asleep. Seriously, this guy needs to come with more than a warning. I lie here for ages thinking about how Declan makes me feel before I fall asleep; wondering what he meant by those words. I’ve got a feeling I know, but I daren’t believe it. I’d hate to be wrong.
Chapter Nine
The next day I’m sitting in my last lecture of the day and I realise I haven’t taken any notes at all. I’ve spent almost a full hour thinking about Declan and Connor. Polar opposites, one’s a good uncomplicated choice, the other not so much…I think. I can’t believe I’ve only known Declan for just over a week. It feels as if I’ve slotted into a life that’s been mine, unbeknownst to me, running alongside the one I was living. I don’t even know how to explain how I feel about this or what words to use. Two parallel lives, but only one with an escape route. I know which one that is and there’s an empty slot for me to fill, but first I need to extract myself from the one I’ve known. The world and the words I want to forget. I pack up my stuff and walk to Dr McGrath’s office. It’s my first appointment with him since starting my course. My first of the appointments I’m supposed to keep with him every two weeks. I hesitantly knock on his door and hear him shout for me to enter. He’s standing in front of a massive book case. It looks as if he’s frustratingly looking for something specific on his shelves. Once again I note his dishevelled look but his kind eyes find mine and he looks at me knowingly with a smile on his face. It makes me feel as if I’m standing in a spotlight but I feel a sense of relief at the same time. As if he understands.
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