“Still…” he insists. “Do take care Mrs Jerome and remember that suffering in silence is an unnecessary exercise in this day and age.” They make to leave just as Declan returns with my coffee. Either he went to grind the beans himself or he’s been hovering on the other side of the curtain not wanting to come in. I’m not sure I want him in here at all now. I cross to where he stands looking completely unsure of himself and pull him back out into the hallway.
“So umm…Declan, I need to stay with Mum and sort a few things out. Thanks for taking me here and for staying…I’m so grateful.” Declan looks at me with his dark eyes and I can see the conflicting emotions in them.
“You know what happened to her don’t you Iz?” He runs his large warm hand down the side of my face.
“Just go Declan, please…I’ll see you at home and we’ll talk then,” I say this knowing it’s a barefaced lie. No way am I telling him anything. Not yet anyway.
“Okay Izzy, but please ring me when you need picking up, promise,” he says, as he puts his arms around me.
I can’t help myself so I cling to him, burying my face in his chest, holding on, wishing this was not happening, not again. My insides are shaking and all I want is to stay in the safety of his arms. Before he lets me go, he kisses the top of my head. Such a simple gesture, but I feel it in my heart as he lets me go. I watch him walk down the corridor with slow laboured steps and out through the sliding door. Why do I feel like my heart is breaking yet again? I feel overwhelmed. Right now all I want is to run out of here, away from everything and everyone I know. The pressure is too intense. My brain feels as if it’s growing beyond the confines of the bones and skin surrounding it. I walk back into the cubicle to see Mum. She’s still awake staring up at the ceiling. I look up to see what she is looking at, what she could possibly be seeing. What is it with hospital ceilings? I remember back to the times I’ve been where Mum is now, lying in a hospital bed when I was younger, every time the ceilings have fascinated me, trying to make shapes out of the brown and yellowed water stains. Making something ugly into something bearable, something beautiful. Something recognizable. When I was young, I saw animals, now I see them for what they are; ugly water stains.
I feel my Mum tugging my hand; it comes as such a surprise I tumble onto the side of her bed.
She’s always been strong. Very strong in fact. If only she’d used this strength when she needed it the most over the years.
“Izobel, I really did fall honey, all this, this is mostly not him.” Her eyes are clear and strong piercing into mine wanting me to believe every word.
I sigh in defeat and look at her face, clear green eyes in a beautiful face marked by bruises. “I don’t believe you Mum, how many times have we used that excuse, it’s getting old.”
“No Izobel, he didn’t mean this, for me to fall. He lashed out, but too hard, I slipped in the water on the floor...honestly I did. I must have passed out when I hit the floor.” Her voice is so strong and convincing I understand why people who don’t know better, would fall for it every time.
“Mum however you dress this up, he’s the cause, what did you do this time? Actually let me guess, you were cleaning and hadn’t finished by the time he got home. Is that it? Is that what warranted this?” I gesture at her damaged body in the hospital bed. She cringes before my eyes and if possible shrinks even more, looking child-like in this huge sterile white bed. “Where is he Mum? Where’s he gone and when will he be back? Does he even know?” One question after the other rushes through my mouth on a single breath.
“He has a business trip to New York, it was a last minute meeting darling, I think he said he’d be back in a week as there is a conference scheduled at the same time.”
I want to cry in frustration but she doesn’t deserve that so I pick up the coffee Declan brought me and gulp it down, burning my throat raw as I swallow. Declan. My heart hurts. I feel like a traitor, like some evil person, here’s Mum suffering and I want to cuddle into a ball in Declan’s arms. I want to feel protected. But I can’t, I can’t do that, I need to protect Mum. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, “What do you want me to do?”
She finally looks at me and it’s a completely broken look. She takes my hand and squeezes it ever so gently. I feel the tears again, she is so gentle, so small and sweet. She’s the classic victim.
“Nothing Izobel, nothing but keep re-building your life, that’s what I want the most. I want you to keep doing what you need to; become your own person again.” She looks to the corridor where a child is being rushed past on a stretcher and I feel the tremor in her hand. I forgot to pull the curtain across. The scene before us is so familiar my heart aches and I know hers hurts too.
“I want you to let go of the past Izobel, let go of the bad and only remember the good.” She blinks away tears and looks back at me with a trademark look of strength in her eyes that always comes just after an incident but will soon be forgotten. I realised this as well at an early age. “Once they release me I’m going back home and I’ll sit down with Dad and we’ll see how it goes.”
I know she will, but I also know it’ll make no difference; the day she leaves will never come. He’ll leave first, but he always comes back. Very much like a vicious circle. Like a record player with its needle stuck in the same groove repeating over and over.
“Now Izobel, I’m ever so tired, I need to sleep. Please lovely girl; go back to your place and that handsome fellow of yours and I’ll ring you when I get back home. We’ll have a chat then, yes?”
“Mum there’s no way you’re taking yourself home in this state, I’ll find out when they’re releasing you and I’ll come back and get us a taxi home,” I say defiantly.
She suddenly looks ever so cross and that tiny independent streak that Dad has tried so many times to quash fires up in her eyes.
“No sweetheart, I’m the parent, not you. I’ll do well to remember this, I’ve already let one child down, but I’m done, finished, I refuse to let you suffer anymore.”
I can’t talk to her when she’s in this state, I’ve tried many times before, and she’s as stubborn as me so I know it’s a lost cause.
“Okay Mum,” I sigh, rubbing my face tiredly with shaking hands. “But promise me you’ll ring me when you get home….please.” I lean over her trying my best not to hurt her anymore and give her a hug, kissing the one patch on her forehead that’s not marked by purple bruising. “Bye Mum,” I whisper with a huge lump growing in my throat.
“Bye Izobel darling, please look after yourself, make your recovery the priority…not mine.” She lets me go but as she turns her head I see the tears escape her eyes. I run out of the hospital as fast as I can and continue till I’m outside where I can breathe fresh air again.
I collapse in a heap against the wall and hang my head between my knees. It’s freezing out here and I’m shaking from the cold and the emotions raging through me. The craziness of A&E is all around me; manic shouts, screams and blaring sirens. I practice my breathing to calm myself as I remember the night my brother and I were brought in nearly two years ago. I was conscious; he wasn’t. I flinch as I feel a warm hand on my arm and look up.
“Come on Iz, let me take you home.”
“Declan…” I gasp, shocked to see him. “You’re still here?”
“Do you honestly think I’d leave you here sweetheart after everything you’ve been through, what kind of man would that make me?” He pulls me up into his arms and walks us to his car. I laugh when I see how it’s parked in the drop-off bay all haphazardly.
“Nice parking Declan, you’re lucky not to get a ticket.”
“Yeah well I didn’t want to miss you leaving,” he says as he pulls me into his side, rubbing his hands up and down my arm to warm me up.
“What time is it?” I ask him as I slide myself into his car.
“Just gone two am,” he says as he starts the car to drive us home, turning the heating up high. I’m suddenly struggling to keep my eyes open
and as we leave the hospital grounds I feel myself falling asleep. It’s as if I’m floating, being swept away, scared of falling I hang on to something, I can’t seem to speak but I get a frightened moan out. I feel some hard arms tighten around me and I feel safe again.
“Shhh baby we’re home, you’re safe,” Declan’s reassuring and comforting voice calms me.
I open my eyes and realise he’s carrying me up the stairs into my room. He sets me down and starts to undress me. For reasons I can’t even begin to explain, I let him. He glides his hands up my arms raising them like I’m a child pulling off my dress in one swift movement. I’m not even embarrassed about standing in front of him in nothing but my strapless bra and knickers. Everything seems like slow motion as Declan gives me that amazing smile as he lowers my arms.
Seriously when did I lose my ability to function? I close my eyes as I feel his fingertips trail slowly down my arms and I feel his hot breath by my ear. “Show me those perfect blues, open your eyes Izzy.”
I take a deep breath and slowly open them, looking up into his warm dark eyes. I hear his sharp intake of breath as his hands once more glide up my arms, one continuing into my hair, one framing the side of my face. “Beautiful, my beautiful Izzy. Do you realise that you have my heart?” he asks, all the while his intense eyes haven’t left mine. I stop breathing as I search his eyes for the truth of what he’s just said. Declan is confusion personified.
He bends his head down and lightly moves his lips across mine, such a faint touch it almost feels as if I imagined it.
“Declan…” I whisper, he freezes and I suddenly stumble and feel cold as he jumps back running a hand furiously through his hair whilst pacing with a frustrated look on his face.
“Climb into bed Iz,” his voice demanding and cold all of a sudden.
“Huh?” My mouth drops in confusion.
“I don’t like having to repeat myself, get into bed sweetheart,” he says, gently moving me towards the bed. I stumble in and quickly get under the covers pulling my duvet all the way up to my chin. Feeling rejected yet also relieved I watch stupefied as Declan removes his t-shirt in one swift move, seriously this guy has the most incredible body, so defined and strong, the kind of body Sofia and I used to drool over when we used to stalk hot guys on the internet. My mind wanders. His muscles flex when he removes his jeans to leave him only in his black fitted boxers, his tattoos ripple and I feel it between my legs, a slow burning need and want. Seriously not fair.
“Don’t look at me like that Izzy, this is torture enough for me,” he moans, moving closer to the bed.
“This?” I ask him as I honestly can’t think what he means.
He sighs and climbs in beside me. “Yes this….lying beside you, knowing what we briefly had Iz, what we could have, knowing I can’t do a bloody thing about how I feel. Knowing I fucked up and it’s too damn late,” he yells in frustration.
I turn onto my side to face him, looking up at his angry face. Declan’s lying on his back with his hands folded behind his head. I secretly wish he was underneath the duvet with me. He looks angry and kind of lost. Staring up at the ceiling his hair a dark mess. I scoot over a bit and rest my head on his naked chest. I can’t help nuzzling into his dark patch of chest hair with my nose smelling him, he’s that addictive.
“Did you just sniff me Iz?” he chuckles and looks down at me, my head bouncing off his hard chest.
“Mmmm…” Great I have lost the ability to speak and I can feel my face heat up so I snuggle closer and put my arm over his middle and bury myself in all that is Declan.
“Go to sleep Izzy girl, I’ll stay with you, you haven’t got to worry okay,” he sighs, wrapping me up in his arms.
“Okay Declan,” I whisper, not because I’m worried but because I’m so tired and confused.
Declan
She really makes my heart stop. I’d give anything for more than just these moments with her, but I’ve got no one to blame other than my stupid self. This separation isn’t getting any easier, if anything it’s getting more and more fucking difficult to stay away from her and pretend like I don’t care. She’s found a way in and there’s no bloody way she’s ever leaving, I know that.
Looking at her sleeping, making those fucking cute noises when she sleeps is enough to make me want to crush her in my arms and never let go.
Fuck!!!
When did I turn into a sodding woman…all feelings and shit. I swear I’m going to beat the crap out of that wanker Connor if he touches her again. Well, I want to but I haven’t got the right. I lost that when I stepped back and let someone else take her from underneath my nose. I had to though, she deserves more than I can ever give her, someone better than me…I’ll screw up, it’s what I do best.
I look down at her clinging on to me like she’s scared to let go. Izzy, I confess it to myself ‘cause I’ll sure as fuck never tell her, I’m falling in love with you.
Chapter Eleven
I wake up to the sound of my phone persistently ringing. My head hurts and my chest feels heavy. I try to remember why I feel like this and as the fog slowly lifts. I flinch and open my eyes. Declan’s gone. I can’t help but feel relieved, but also kind of sad. My phone’s still ringing so I reach over to pick it up and see who it is. Bloody hell its two o’clock in the afternoon. How the hell did that happen? The number comes up as unlisted and straight away I feel my stomach drop, I pick it up thinking it’s the hospital.
“Izobel, I’m ringing to see how your Mother’s doing, I’ve been trying to ring the house and no one’s picking up the phone.” Holy shit. It’s my Dad. His authorative and cold voice immediately gets my back up and the feeling of pins and needles spreads across my body making me feel numb.
“She’s in hospital Dad,” I reply suddenly feeling anger seeping into my blood as I think of how Mum looked in that bed. Gathering every bit of that anger, I try to stand up to him albeit over the phone. Yeah I’m not that brave yet. “You should’ve probably guessed this though knowing what happened. Why would you leave her, really Dad, how could you?” I almost shout this as my voice fails me and I start sobbing. The realization hits me all at once that he actually left her there on the floor…on her own. Helpless.
“Why is she in hospital? She was fine when I left her yesterday, what’s wrong with her?”
Is he for fucking real? I can’t believe he thinks he can play this game with me. Granted, Zack and I never saw him lay a finger on her but we saw the bruises she tried to hide; her cringes and her flinching. Sometimes he didn’t even need to raise his voice; we still knew it happened.
“Dad, you went too far, she hit her head as she fell, she was unconscious,” my voice sounds strong and accusing yet I feel anything but right now.
“Is she okay?” he asks after a telling silence in which I think he actually realises.
“She will be, but Dad it’s got to stop.” There I said it, but then I feel braver on the phone and out of the house.
“Izobel, I will not have you speak to me in this manner young lady. You may be an adult now but you’re still my daughter, I suggest you think about your tone and show some respect,” he barks down the phone, giving me chills. I begin to shake, this is hopeless. Dad stole my life a long time ago and yes I’m slowly taking it back, but it’s not easy to retrieve something that hasn’t been yours for so long you’ve almost forgotten what it was like.
“Yes Dad,” I say giving up. I’m too tired to put up a fight right now. I need time to think, to plan and to act. It needs to be perfect as I know I’ll only have one chance to get Mum out and away from him. Aggravating him now and standing up to him over the phone will achieve nothing.
“Right then Izobel, I shall be away for another week. I expect an update on this situation. Give your Mother my love and wish her a speedy recovery. Goodbye.” God, this man is cold…so cold, I actually shiver as he hangs up on me. I lay here just staring up at the ceiling as my phone rings, again. I look at the display thinking I’ll leav
e it if it’s unlisted. It’s not. I smile as I pick it up.
“Hi Connor.”
“Izzy, am I glad to hear your voice. I’ve been so worried about you, how’s your Mum, what happened?” He fires one question after the other at me, his voice full of worry.
“She had a nasty fall, but she’s okay, thank you for caring Connor.”
“Can I come over later to see you? I want to check for myself that you’re okay.” I can hear the hesitation in his voice and can’t help but wonder what’s brought that on.
“Yeah I’d like that, come on over after you’ve finished work, just send me a text when you’re on your way.”
We say our goodbye’s and I decide to get up. I can still smell hospital on myself so I’m itching to take a shower. I have a quick sniff of my bedding and sure enough, even on there I can smell the tell-tale signs of where I was last night.
After my shower I put on my joggers and a tank top. I don’t bother with make-up or drying my hair, I just braid it loosely. I strip my bed and go downstairs to make myself a much needed coffee and put the washing machine on. The house is eerily quiet; all the guys must be at their lectures or work. I should be in a lecture right now, but I can’t pretend that I care, seems insignificant to me at this moment in time. There’s a note resting on the side of the coffee machine, which is happily brewing away already. I inhale the addictive smell and close my eyes. Pure heaven.
The note’s from Declan. He’s apparently rung my tutor and explained what happened yesterday. Dr McGrath got him to pass a message on to me saying I had the rest of the week off and not to come back in until Monday. This is on the order that I go and see him when I’ve finished my lectures in the afternoon. Great. He knows and wants me to talk about it. I shake my head as I start pouring the fresh coffee into my favourite Winnie the Pooh mug. Oh the lads still ridicule me for this mug, but I don’t care. Mum bought it for me many years ago and it reminds me of a better time. A quieter time. A time before the shit really hit the fan and Zack left us for good. I take my coffee upstairs and go sit in the chair by the window.
Broken Fairytale Page 12