My first impression of Declan was need, want and pure lust. He’s gorgeous, looks ‘filthy’ in the sexual sense, rough and cool, cocky and cheeky. Anyone would want to be in his space, have him smile at you, protect you with his strength, look at you with those dark eyes. You’d never know there was hurt and vulnerability hiding underneath. I finally move from where I’ve been rooted to the spot and place our mugs down on the bedside table. I carefully lie down next to him, not wanting to disturb him as I listen to the rest of the song. Closing my eyes, I drift away to the tune of the chords he releases into the room. His voice envelops me and I feel it in my heart, making it ache and all I want to do is cry but I don’t. Instead I listen and I wait.
Chapter Nineteen
Declan
I feel Izzy’s warmth next to me and it’s as if I can hear the questions running through her head, I know what they are, but I keep playing, not really sure I want to stop to face them. As I wind down the song, I feel her hand on my back. Her palm flat against me, her fingers spread, as if she’s marking me with her palm print.
“I got you a coffee,” she says.
Turning around I see her bright smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. I stand up and put my guitar back on its stand running my hand through my hair as I turn to face her. She’s lying on her side, resting her head on her arm, her long hair spread out around her like an angel. She’s so fucking perfect and I wish I could capture her as she looks now, but I’m no artist and could never do her justice. I walk over to the bed and sit down next to her, running my fingers through her hair.
“You’re so beautiful Izzy. I’m never going to be able to tell you enough. You astound me every day.”
“Declan…” she sighs, her face turning beet red.
“So fucking cute too,” I smile, I can’t help it.
I wonder what she wants me to say, how much I actually want to tell her so she knows I understand, that I get her. That I knew her the minute I saw her eyes, the minute I saw her soul, mine recognized hers. I don’t want to fucking disappoint her, so I try to explain myself to her, wanting to convince her.
“I’ve always thought it strange how they say love’s blind,” I pause trying to choose my next words carefully. “I never really understood that saying. I see everything that makes me love you. Love’s not instantaneous. Love comes when you move past the initial attraction.” I reach down and tuck her hair behind her ear.
“What attracts can start as superficial in an instant, even sexual, then you see what’s in the eyes, what’s hiding behind them. It draws you in. When you see what lies beneath, then you fall in love.” I place my hand over her heart; feeling it pound so fast beneath it. I feel mine against my chest trying to out race hers as she looks at me with those big blues.
“The heart may start out hollow and empty, just waiting and biding its time, but then it builds and builds and you take what you believe is yours and give in return. You hijack the soul that sees yours, sees the other half of what completes it, the part that’s missing, making it whole. Your heart is blinded by another, as if it remembers and knows it can’t live without it.”
I take her hand and bring it up to my mouth kissing each finger noticing how she closes her eyes after each one. I’m stalling, wondering how I can get her to really understand how I feel. I keep looking into her eyes. She starts crying silent tears, I made her fucking cry again and right this minute I feel like a bastard for it, but I need to explain and can’t help but think I’m making a piss poor attempt at it. I kiss away her salty tears as I continue, “I never went through what you did, but you know I saw it, shit like that leaves scars and it takes fucking years to come to terms with seeing your Mum reduced to a scared shell of a woman. Her soul leaving her eyes when the one person who should be lighting her soul up, who should be making her eyes shine brightly, is the one who ultimately destroys it and extinguishes that light. Her dreams were stolen and her spirit was broken by him. You start to wonder how you stay alive, how your life did a U-turn and what was right, suddenly turned so wrong.” I feel Izzy grab my hand squeezing it tight over her heart, not letting go as I continue.
“When Dad left, Mum told Finn and I that we helped put the light back in her eyes and we both had to promise her there and then, to always put the light in the eyes of the ones we love. Always make sure the light is maintained, so strong, it lights the whole fucking world up Izzy.” I stop talking because I suddenly feel exposed. I’ve never been so open and honest with anyone before and it’s fucking freaking me out. We just look at each other and I’m willing her to say something, anything to convince me I haven’t just made a complete tool out of myself or worse, sounded like a fucking pussy despite meaning every word I said. She suddenly pulls me down to her and kisses me hard with her soft lips.
“You did that Declan,” she says. “You gave me my light back, only you, just you and I’ll always love you for that.”
My fucking heart feels like it wants to jump out of my chest. I laid it all out there and whether I deserve her or not, she’s mine. She’s literally under my skin, in my heart and I’ll fight anyone or anything that tries to take her away from me.
“I’ll fight every day to keep that light burning in your eyes beautiful girl, with everything I’ve got,” I say before my body shows her how much I meant every bloody word I just said to her.
Chapter Twenty
Later that afternoon after making the decision to try and help Mum, Declan and I are sitting in his car, parked next to my parent’s house. The sun is setting and the sky has that pretty pink and yellow glow it gets as the late autumn evening draws in. I’m looking at the house shrouded in this eerie glow, a flickering light in the hallway window. I suddenly get chills.
“You sure you want to do this Iz?” Declan takes my hand and rubs it between both of his.
“Yeah, I just need a minute; I need to make sure I’m as ready as I felt a few hours ago.”
“Sweetheart,” he sighs and turns my face so I’m looking at him. “You don’t need to do this today; we can turn around right now. But you know you can do anything Iz. I’ve never met such a beautiful and strong person as you. You shine Izzy. So fucking bright, strong and beautiful, you know you can do anything.” He leans over and I melt into his arms opening my mouth under his as he shows me his love and gives me some of his strength to reinforce my own. He rests his forehead against mine on an exhale, “Go and do what you need to do, and don’t forget Iz, anything…you can do anything.” He grabs the back of my head and looks so deeply into my eyes that it makes me want to crawl into his lap and never leave. “I love you Izzy, so fucking much. Never forget that.” He looks so serious when he says this, making a point. I start grinning, I just can’t help it because yes, I can do anything, but with Declan’s love I feel like I can do even more, I can do everything.
“I love you too Declan.”
“Now go, before I turn this bloody car round and take you home to show you just how much I love you Izzy,” he growls at me. “And don’t forget to ring me when you want to be picked up okay. Even though I’d feel much happier staying outside in the car, just in case.” He looks at me as if he’s seriously debating whether to let me go or not.
“I know, but I’ll be fine Declan, please just go and I’ll ring you.” I really won’t be able to do this if he’s sitting outside. I’ll be worried Dad will see him if he suddenly comes home. His face looks so serious while he’s having a mental debate with himself on what to do. I’d rather do this on my own, not only because I need to, but because I don’t want to feel ashamed or embarrassed. I burst out laughing at his expression and quickly scoot back to my side of the car and open the door.
“You ring me the minute you want me to come for you Izzy. Say it, say I promise to ring you Declan.”
“Yes Sir, I promise to ring you Declan. Sir,” I smartly respond and hide a grin when this makes him growl even more in frustration. I step out of the car and slam it shut, then I kiss the closed wi
ndow just to tease him even more. I start the walk towards confrontation but look over my shoulder one last time and wave at him as I get to the front door of the house. I let myself in and walk down the candlelit hallway towards what looks like the only light in the house, a candle flickering in the lounge. Mum’s always preferred candles to electric lights. They can hide the truth, and sins can hide in the shadows leaving a blur that’s unable to be distinguished as anything real. Electric lights expose too much, everything laid out, naked to the eye with nowhere to hide. As I pass the office door I see that there’s a sliver of light coming from underneath it. Shit, I think to myself. He’s home, I wasn’t banking on that. I’m debating whether to quietly leave. Pretend I was never here. Instead, I tip toe past his door and walk into the lounge where I see Mum asleep in her chair, a chain of tea lights flickering on the mantelpiece next to her.
I crouch down next to her, wondering if I should wake her up. Forget about my plan which is pretty much shot to bollocks because he’s home. No way can I sit and have the conversation I want, with him in the house.
“Izobel,” his voice booms into the quiet room making me literally jump out of my skin. I stand and turn to look at him.
“Dad.”
I can’t think of anything else to say as I look at him standing there with a cigarette in one hand, his other in the pocket of his neatly pressed work trousers. His shirt is wrinkled though and his tie is hanging loose. His hair is dishevelled as if he’s been raking his hands through it in frustration. Dad is a very handsome man who projects power and money. One look from him can silence anyone into submission out of fear and respect.
“What are you doing home Izobel, you’re not supposed to be here tonight,” he says walking over to the bar and pouring himself a scotch. I stare transfixed at him, wondering how many he’s already had. It’s always so difficult to tell unless you’ve been able to count from when he started. If I’d been able to count them, I’d know how to approach this situation. I’d know whether to run the fuck out of here or stay. His words sound odd, I think to myself. I wonder what he means.
“I wanted to come over and check on Mum, that’s all.” My voice is breaking, I know why. The fear has set in.
“Why do you think she needs checking on?” he asks as he slowly walks over to where I’m sitting perched on the arm rest of Mum’s chair, not even realising. He takes a long deep drag of his cigarette as if contemplating the situation in front of him, before exhaling dramatically. Every hair stands to attention. My body instantly knows and is already preparing itself for what’s sure to come, any minute now. A deep fear grabs me, chills me to the bone and suddenly I understand. I lean back and gently try to rouse Mum with a hand behind my back so as not to give anything away.
“Izobel?” Mum calls out, her words slurry, as if drugged, and trying to move but failing. “Oh no Izobel…no darling, you shouldn’t have come, not tonight,” she whispers and turns her face slowly towards me. This is when I actually get a good look at her, see the blooming start of a palm print stretching across her check. Bruise upon bruise I think to myself as I look into her bloodshot eyes.
“You’ve gotten careless,” I say in a whisper, turning around to face him head on. My nerves are shot and my pulse is throbbing in my neck. I can literally feel myself shrinking in front of him.
“How dare you?” he roars coming towards me with a menacing look on his face that only he can perfect.
“Izobel…” Mum cries out in fear, her flailing arms trying to move me behind her small body as if that’s going to protect any of us. Dad pushes her out of his way and, as if in slow motion, I see her fall and hit her head on the mantelpiece. Her hand tries to grab the surround to stop herself from falling, knocking over a tea light on her way down.
“Ironic darling…I was meant to do that, set things right,” Dad’s chilling words aimed at Mum wrap themselves around me and I feel the hard grip of his fingers on my arm as he pulls me closer, leaning down into my face, sneering with his hot alcohol fuelled breath,
“I never should’ve had any kids, nothing but a disgrace and an embarrassment. Both of you,” he shouts into my ear. A sharp pain follows and I immediately feel something strong course through my body, as if strength now burns through my veins. I stand up straight and look him up at him, directly into his eyes.
“How dare you Dad…you’re the disgrace…you are…” The pain comes before I realise he’s raised his hand. I should have expected it really I think to myself as the pain explodes behind my eyes; in my head. I don’t know why I thought I could stand up to him. For about one second I felt strong, empowered. Suddenly I smell fire and feel him shove me to the other side of the room. Landing hard and awkwardly on the floor with him covering me. And then everything goes black….
Chapter Twenty-one
Declan
As I drive back home, leaving Izzy to talk to her Mum I wonder if I’ve done the right thing, or whether I should’ve stayed. I park the car and just sit, tapping my fingers on the steering wheel in time to the music on the radio as the thought runs through my head. Fuck, I wish I knew what to do. I rest my head against the side window of the car and look out as the rain suddenly starts to pound the streets. I don’t know what’s the best thing to do right now. Will Izzy get pissed at me for interfering? I feel like a bloody chick, sitting here debating with myself about what to do. All I can hear is the sound of heavy rain, but when the beginning of ‘Watch Over You’ by Alter Bridge starts to play, I know what I need to do. I need to go back and check she’s okay. It’s as if the weather, this song, is trying to tell me something. Something I already feel.
Fuck….Shit….Bollocks.
I crank my car back to life and drive at stupid crazy speed back to her Mum’s house, hoping there’s no police on the roads tonight. I’m such a fucking idiot to leave her, I should’ve stayed, pretended to leave then parked round the corner. I start slowing down as I come to the corner of her parents’ road. A fire truck passes me with its sirens blaring and the lights cast a freaky blue glow across the white bungalows lining the road. My stomach drops when I round the corner and see the truck come to a halt outside Izzy’s parents’ house. There’s a crowd of people forming already, a police car parked to the side, an officer shouting into a radio. My mind’s trying to take it all in, but doing a piss poor job of it.
The flashing lights are everywhere and I pull the car to a screeching standstill, as close to the scene as I can get. This is like something out of a movie and it’s bloody surreal. I rush out of the car and start running towards the house shouting Izzy’s name from the top of my lungs. The fire that’s blazing almost hugs the house, as if it’s giving it a warm all-encompassing embrace. The crowd of people part as I run up towards it. The heat hitting me as I get closer, giving me a snap-shot into what Izzy went through, what she’s going through now….again.
Fuck.
I run towards Izzy, but I’m stopped by a fireman, his arm pulling me to prevent me from going in. “Sir, you have to stand back.”
“Let me the fuck go….let me go…I need to go in there,” I yell at him in desperation.
“Sir, my men are in there doing what they can, I suggest you move back a safe distance and let them get on with it.”
The heat inevitably makes me move back to the pavement anyway and I shudder as I hear, then see, two ambulances come speeding towards the scene, where I’m standing feeling completely helpless, fucking useless. I just stand here, the guilt of leaving her, gnawing at my heart as I stupidly start to think I’ll never see those eyes again, that smile. I want to fucking punch something. I pull my beanie off and rake both my hands through my hair in frustration as I crouch down, suddenly feeling like I want to throw up.
Someone puts their hand on my arm, so I look up and see an elderly lady who must’ve walked over. She tries to wrap those small fingers covered in paper thin skin around my forearm but not quite succeeding. She doesn’t look at me as she starts talking.
; “The rain will help lad, the rain was sent to help those brave men. Help the Jerome family.”
“Do you know them well?” I ask her, needing some sort of connection with reality as I stand back up, wondering how the fuck this happened, how I suddenly stand to lose the first girl I’ve ever loved. I feel so fucking helpless and I’m counting my breaths as I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“No not really dear, they haven’t lived here long. I of course see Mrs Jerome out and about every day and we exchange pleasantries. Now the young girl, Izobel, no I don’t see her as much. I fear that family has seen a lot of tragedy. Betty down the club said there was word going round that there used to be a young man in the family too, but sadly he was taken from them. Don’t know about that lad, they keep to themselves mostly,” she shrugs yet refuses to take her eyes away from the scene. “Now, as for Mr Jerome, well he’s a remarkable man. Always so stern, quiet and stoic I suppose. Don’t see him much either, no. I say hello like, and enquire to his health when I see him in the road.” Her eyes still haven’t left the carnage in front of us, as if she may miss something if she looks away just for a second. She’s starting to piss me off and I know it’s an irrational feeling. Counting my breaths I look up into the darkened sky feeling the rain pelt my face as I close my eyes. A momentary chuckle escapes my lips as it registers that this tiny old lady called me lad as if I couldn’t fit her in my pocket.
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