by Ashley Erin
“C’mon, it’s so hot out here. I just wanted to talk to you about something.” She shifts her voice into an irritating baby voice and it makes me want to gag.
“Fine. You get 10 minutes.” I’m being generous with my time, if I’ve learned anything about Yvette it is that she is rarely up to anything without self-gain. She has nothing to gain here so I’m wary of what the hell she wants.
“I was offered a job in Vancouver and came to say goodbye.” Taking a step back from where she stands, I examine her closely. She doesn’t appear to be lying, but I don’t really understand why she felt the need to inform me of this.
“Congrats. It wasn’t necessary to stop by to tell me that.” It sounds cold, but this woman has been driving me insane for months and the thought of being rid of her fills me with relief.
“I realize that.” Her voice is sharp and she takes a deep breath in, shifting her voice back to her fake sweet voice with her fake smile. “I also came to apologize for my behavior, I’m not used to being told no and I realize I’ve been pretty pushy.”
Narrowing my eyes at her, I watch her carefully. Despite her words, her eyes lack sincerity and I take another step back, hitting the wall behind me. Shit. “Well, what’s done is done. I think you’ve said what you need to say. Good luck in Vancouver.”
Yvette closes the space between us until she stands barely a foot away from me. “I still have one other thing I want to say.”
Bounding up the steps to Dane’s, I smile as I pause at the door. Turning the handle, I swing the door open and halt in shock. Yvette stands in front of Dane, hand pressed on his chest. His face is tilted towards her, his eyes on hers. The pose is intimate and shock fills me before my reflexes catch up to what my brain is processing.
A gasp slips out of my mouth, my hand slaps over my lips as his head jerks up to meet my gaze in surprise. Unable to take in the sight before me, tears flood my eyes as I spin on my heel and run out of the door.
Go back and fight for the man you love.
I’m too weak.
How could he?
Faintly, through the pounding in my head, I think I hear Dane call my name, but I run faster, too destroyed by what I saw to hear him out. Flinging the gate open to the horses, I swing up onto Serenity’s bare back my hands fisted in her mane and I crouch low as I kick her into a canter. Together we race out of the pen and down the long driveway. The same driveway that just under two and a half months ago brought a sense of relief, now is too long in my attempt to escape.
Sobs wrack my body and as we leave the driveway and turn onto the road, I slow Serenity to a trot, holding her mane and shaking. Serenity prances, unsure what to think of my current state and lack of direction.
Breathe in. Hold for ten. Breathe out.
The sound of tires coming from the driveway brings me back and I panic, nudging Serenity back into a canter. A gap in the trees catches my attention and relief hits me momentarily. Quickly turning off the road, I start up an old long forgotten trail and finally slow to a walk.
Laying on Serenity’s back, I let her come to a stop as my tears fall with the broken pieces of my heart. It never occurred to me that Dane would do something like that. A little voice in the back of my head tells me I’m wrong, but I push that voice aside.
“How could I be so stupid?” Clutching my hands to my chest as my heart pounds, the physical hurt causes guttural cries to echo in the trees. Lungs burning as I fight for air, eyes blurry from the tears as I cry into Serenity, I try to remember to breathe.
Serenity grows restless, so I nudge her to keep moving. My eyes are swollen to little slits, my mind reels with a frenzy of emotion.
The other shoe dropped.
Letting my guard down was the hardest thing I have done and this is what happens. My chest physically hurts from the smashing of my heart and it feels like I’ve been punched in the gut. I’d been doing so well. I thought I had it under control. He said he was there for me no matter what.
My hands loosen on her mane and I pay little attention to where we are going, letting her walk on her own free will. I didn’t realize it was possible for my heart to feel more pain than it has already endured, but it feels as though my entire soul has shattered. My entire body hurts. I didn’t realize it was possible for your entire body to break. It’s not just my heart that aches. It’s my head, lungs, stomach . . . All the way down to my toes.
Serenity jumps to the side, acting skittish. Instead of looking up where I’m going, I nudge her to keep moving forward, drowning in my sorrow.
Serenity rears up, I barely glimpse the buck as it disappears, my body is flying off her back and my leg smacks into a tree hard. My arms fly out to block the fall, and a loud crack echoes through my body as I land on my arm. I didn’t even have a chance to process what was happening until I’m in a heap on the ground.
Gasping as I clutch my left arm into my chest. The pain is severe and I know something is broken. Putting weight on my left arm is out of the question, and my leg throbs from the impact on the tree. Physical pain from the fall is a welcome pain from the emotional void I am stuck in. It’s easy to handle. I have no more tears to cry, so dry sobs heave out of my body while I attempt to block out the internal ache and focus outside of myself. I could do it once, I can do it again.
The blackness that has been hiding in the corners of my mind comes creeping out, engulfing me and I succumb to the familiarity. Serenity pushes me with her nose, unwilling to leave my side, her soft presence trying to bring me back. Turning away from her gentle gaze, I close my eyes and mentally harden myself.
Pushing the emotions away, I welcome the dark. I welcome the familiarity of ignoring how I feel. It helped me survive before and it will help again. This time I know better, I know better than to push it away. There is no light anymore, the little hope I held onto for almost a year is extinguished as I enfold myself into the cold embrace of darkness.
When I wake, fresh tears greet me and despite my attempts to numb myself from the heartache, its presence lingers. The light of the forest is changing and I know the sun is setting.
Taking a deep breath, I try to stand, but cry out at the pain in my body. My entire left side feels bruised and even if I can stand long enough, there is no way I can get on Serenity without some kind of help. Leaning my back against the tree, I regret leaving my phone at home and settle in for a long night of watching the stars twinkle at me as though I didn’t have my world shattered a matter of seconds.
My mind is numb when I think back on what I witnessed. How could Dane do that? How hypocritical of him considering his reaction to Alex. My gut feels off, but I push it away, favoring the blackness to anything else. The numb world, the world of not dealing that is where I feel comfortable. I knew everything else was too good to last. These things come in threes and that was it. Why not? Why not have everything that brings me happiness torn away from me.
Not everything. That little voice attempts to bring reason again and it’s stronger, not letting me shove it away even though I’m trying. The light I had extinguished tries to flicker as something Dr. Hughes said in our last session crosses my mind.
Even when it feels all has been lost, remember those that stood by your side. Remember those that look down on you and even if you can’t see them, remember to FEEL them in your heart.
It’s too much. The flickering light is extinguished as I fight for something, the wrong thing. Numbness. This time I won’t let it go.
Closing my eyes, I succumb to the darkness again.
Rustling rouses me from my fitful sleep and I pry my eyes open when I feel a cold nose and warm body wiggling around me. Chloe stands in front of me, stubby tail wagging and with a cry I wrap my right arm around her. Of course she would find me.
“Oh thank God, Emma!” Looking up, I see Alex’s worried face. Even though I know I should feel some sort of emotion, I continue to allow the detachment I’ve embraced keep its hold on me and his face shifts from worried to scared. �
�What the hell happened? Dane . . .”
“Don’t. I can’t deal with thinking about him right now.” Tears threaten again and I steel myself. The stone fortress rebuilding itself around me. “I need your help, I have to go to the doctor.” My voice is hoarse and raw, Alex’s eyes flare at the sound as he bends down to lift me, cursing when I cry out.
Holding me in his arms, he clucks his tongue at Serenity and the four of us make our way to the road. The walk is long and it shocks me how far I had gone into the trail.
“Please don’t let Dane see me.” Whispering, I meet the concerned gaze of his hazel eyes and whatever he sees makes him nod. Setting me down on a fallen tree, he pulls out his phone and sends someone a text.
I’m in a daze as Alex’s truck pulls up and Lia hops out. My mind is no longer in the present. Whatever changes that have occurred to me since being here fight against the numbness I seek.
I want the numbness.
No I don’t.
Back and forth until the numbness finally wins. For now. I need it for right now.
“She doesn’t want Dane to know anything. I’m not sure what happened, but I need to take her to the hospital.” I feel their eyes on me, but I try not to care as I teeter on the fallen tree. Alex scoops me into his arms, cringing as I cry out. Lia’s gasp breaks through the weak barrier my mind has put together and I look at her. It hurts so much.
“I’ve got Chloe and Serenity.” Lia puts on Serenity’s halter and tries to snap a leash on Chloe. She jumps away, crying at Alex’s feet.
“Chloe stay.” The words that come out of me don’t sound like me. They are quiet, broken and void of emotion. Chloe sits and lets Lia snap the leash in place, whimpering as Alex loads me in the truck and drives away.
Yvette lifts her hand and rests it on my chest. Clenching my hands into fists, I look down at her annoyance filling me that she is pulling this shit and I was stupid enough to let her in the house. Her expression is smug as she looks up at me.
A soft gasp startles us and I snap up my head to meet the anguished gaze of Emma standing in the doorway. Her hand slaps over her mouth and she bolts out the door.
Pushing Yvette aside, I lunge for the door. “Emma!” She keeps running and I turn on Yvette in a rage. “Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. My. House.” My voice is soft, deadly and she bolts out the door with me on her heels only to see Emma bareback on Serenity disappearing down the driveway. Looking over at her house, I see the gate to the horse pen is open and run to close it before Belle and Chandler escape and I lose precious time finding them.
Racing to my truck, I spin around and speed down the driveway. Fuck, which way could she have gone? Turning right, I drive and drive before turning back and going the other way. I speed dial Alex.
“Hey man, what’s up?” His voice is chill. He has no idea.
“Umm do you know where Emma is?”
“No, and her phone is on the counter. I just looked out the window and Serenity is gone. They probably went to see Arwen again.” Hanging up, shame fills me at my deception. There is no way that I could explain the situation to him. Dread fills me as I realize the chances of finding Emma in my truck while she is on horseback are slim.
Fuck.
“Dane?” Alex’s voice is filled with curiosity at why I’m calling him again so quickly.
“I need your help. Emma walked in on something, took it the wrong way and ran off on Serenity. Bareback and upset. I have no idea how to find her. Please find her.” Alex mumbles something about me getting castrated if I fucked up, but I will take that. Alex’s first priority will always be Emma and in this moment, I just want her found.
It’s getting dark when I finally ride Charger up to the barn and set him loose in his pen. I quickly gave up on driving and moved to horse back, but the vast number of trails going in and out of our property make it near impossible to find her. Worry fills me as I fight to stay calm. I need to fix this.
Anger fills me, I broke my promise and that is something I can never take back. Why was I such an idiot? I fucking know better. Yvette better damn well be moving to Vancouver, otherwise there will be hell to pay. I’m betting if she wasn’t, she is now after being kicked out of my house.
Emma’s house is dark, but Serenity is back in with the other horses. My feet pound across the gravel and I’m soon pounding on the door. No movement from inside.
“They’re not here.” Jumping at Lia’s voice, I turn and see her silhouette on the porch swing. Her tone is angry and I’m guessing Emma filled her in.
“Where did they go? Lia, I need to talk to her.” Desperation fills me as I plead with her and I’m not above getting on my knees and begging.
“I’m not telling you. I promised Alex.” Lia’s jaw is set.
“What about Emma, did you promise her?” I sit next to Lia on the porch swing, flinching when she moves away from me.
“Emma could barely get two words out. She was destroyed. What the fuck happened?” Her voice vibrates and I don’t think I’ve ever seen this kind of anger directed towards me. In fact, I’ve only ever seen Lia this angry at one person and we don’t discuss Graham . . . Ever.
“Yvette came by . . . Ouch!” Lia smacks me. “Will you stop and listen?”
“Fine. But if you ruined this over that freak, I’m going to cut off your dick.”
“Yvette came by to tell me she is moving to Vancouver. I told her off and she said she wanted to apologize for her behavior. The next thing I know, I’m backed against the wall because the woman has no personal space and her hand is on my chest. Emma walked in on that and got the wrong idea.” Relief fills me as the rage in Lia deflates and she slumps against the back of the swing. It’s short lived though as I see the look of a broken hearted Emma play over and over in my head.
“Oh shit.” Dread fills me as she sits there in silence. She looks up at me, anger glinting as she scowls and hits me again. “You’re a fucking idiot. I can’t believe you would let that woman into our house.” Regret. Shame. Anger. They all fight for first place as my head spins. Have I lost the love of my life over my own stupidity?
“Lia, where are they?”
“Dane, I promised Alex I wouldn’t say anything and I intend on keeping that promise. You’re going to have to go through him and then figure out a way to get through to her. She is in lock down.” Lia stands and squeezes my shoulder, hard. Flinching, as she looks at me. “I don’t even know what to say to you. I’m really disappointed.” She walks away and I watch her as she crosses the yard and enters the house without a backwards glance.
Disappointment doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions running through me.
We finally leave the hospital at three in the morning. I’ve been X-rayed, poked, prodded, plastered and drugged. Oh the drugs. The numbness from the morphine they gave me to help with the pain is blissful.
Alex is driving, periodically glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. Ignoring him, I stare out the window, my left arm nestled against my chest in the brace the doctor put it in. Sitting in the emergency room for several hours, having to see the concerned look in Alex’s eyes was almost as painful as the damage done to my body.
“Emma, are you going to tell me what happened?” Alex’s voice cracks through the fortress I’ve rebuilt and I know I can’t keep him out. I’ve spent two months trying not to be that girl anymore and somewhere along the way I managed to succeed. I’ve been attempting to ignore the strength I’ve found within but it’s exhausting staying in the numbness, embracing the dark, when I’ve fought to come back to the light. I’ve been fighting my weakness and that part of me wants to continue to fight.
Sighing, I look at Alex. He’s been there for me through it all. I can’t block him out, I won’t let myself. “I walked in on Yvette and Dane. He was against the wall and her hand was on his chest. I didn’t stick around to see what else was about to go down.” My voice cracks as I try to keep it void of emotion. I may not be the as weak as I was, but I’m still fightin
g for strength. The darkness wants to engulf me and part of me wants to let it. Pain doesn’t exist as long as I stay here, well at least I can pretend it doesn’t. I’m tired of pretending.
“Are you sure you didn’t misinterpret what you saw?” Alex speaks to me softly, cautiously. He knows how fragile I am right now, yet his words are like a boot stomping on the pieces of my shattered heart.
“Wow. Yeah, I’m sure he fought real hard to keep that tiny woman away from him.” Closing my eyes I shut him out and clench my fists as he sighs with sadness. I’ve been fighting the little voice inside that has been saying the same thing. Anger at Dane is easier than anger at myself for still not being strong enough to stay and fight.
I need to constantly battle for myself, I don’t want to battle for everything else too.
Maybe it’s when you battle for something else that your true inner strength will start to win against yourself. I hate that little voice. She’s a know it all bitch and shove her out of my head.
I’m startled awake as pain shoots through my body. Crying out, my eyes pop open and I’m met with Alex’s grim expression.
“Sorry Em, I was hoping the pain killers would prevent this from hurting so much. Can you walk?” Nodding, I plant my right foot on the ground and grip Alex’s hand with mine. Teeth clenching, I tenderly put weight on my left leg. It hurts. Tears threaten to fall as I take my first step.
“Holy shit Emma!” Looking up, I see Lia behind Alex. He must have called her. “What’s the damage?” She’s looking at Alex, not me. Part of me is annoyed that she doesn’t ask me, but then again I’m grateful to avoid more questions. Always torn in two directions.
Hobbling away from them, shoulders hunched, I just want to curl up in bed and sleep the next week away. Can’t I have a rest before I start fighting to be better, this time without Dane by my side to help ease the weight?
“Her wrist is broken. The entire left side of her body is bruised from the impact. She flew into a tree and landed on that side. Her wrist broke because of its position when she tried to brace herself.” Their eyes sear into my back as I slowly walk away, not really paying attention to anything but crawling into my bed. My foot slips on a rock and I cry out as I start to fall. Rolling away from my left side, I land on my right the jolt sending shooting pain throughout my body.