by Jeff Noonan
The next morning was a Sunday and the ship was having a Sunday brunch instead of the standard breakfast. I was setting on the mess decks talking to friends when Tim came up and sat down. He looked like he had been through a huge wringer, with eyes that looked ready to fall out on his cheeks. We all laughed at him and gave him a hard time, of course. But he was very serious, looking very upset in addition to being hung over.
Finally, I asked him, “What’s wrong, Tim?”
He said, “Jeff, you won’t believe this. I lost all of that money that I won last night. I know that I must have had at least a thousand dollars when I left the casino. But I’ve got less than fifty dollars left. I don’t know where it all went! I must have been robbed by one of those hookers last night!”
I couldn’t help myself. I started laughing. The other two guys at our table looked at me as if I was crazy.
Tim turned red and looked mad as hell before he blurted out, “God damn it! It ain’t funny! I lost it all! You wouldn’t laugh if it was you!”
I was choking and sputtering as I tried to answer. Finally I got it out, “You gave it to me, you shithead! Don’t you remember?”
I cannot even begin to describe the look that slowly, oh so slowly, came over his face. The red subsided, the pissed-off look faded, the grin started, and slowly his whole face lit up as only Tim’s face could. It looked like he had even forgotten that he had a hangover. He couldn’t even talk right. He just sat there and stared, “No shit? Did I really give it to you?” Then, “How much did I give you?”
“A thousand dollars.”
Tim jumped up, yelling and slapping his thighs. The whole mess decks turned to watch the spectacle, but he didn’t care. He was one happy sailor at that moment.
Finally he settled down. The other guys at the table finished their brunch and left, but I stayed to talk to Tim. We talked for a while about the night before. Then he turned the conversation to the money. “It is going home to Mom” he said.
I nodded, “I thought that some of it probably would. She can use it to catch up on the grocery bills as long as Dad doesn’t get his hands on it.”
At the mention of Dad and money, Tim looked at me quizzically, saying, “You know, I never thought to tell you, but things have changed at home when it comes to money since you were there.”
I asked, “How so?”
“Man, every since the Old Man calmed down some, Mom is doing a lot better. She’s never late with a bill, and she runs her own money. She got her own bank account, and she doesn’t let Dad touch it. Now she works two jobs and saves every penny she can. She gets what she can from Dad on paydays, but no one is counting on much there. She puts the money that we send home in a separate bank account, and she won’t touch it unless there is an emergency with one of the kids.”
I must have looked as surprised as I felt, because Tim went on, “I’m not sending this money home for any of that. When I was home before I came to the Belknap, Mom was saving every dime she made, trying to put together enough to go to your wedding. This is free money, and I can’t think of a better use for it. That’s why I was so torn up when I thought I had lost it!”
I couldn’t look at him. I knew that I would lose it if I did. I sat there for a few minutes and then said, “Let’s go down to the compartment, and I’ll give you the money.” My voice was a little shaky, and he just grinned at me. He knew how I felt.
The ship went through the Guantanamo Bay training period as if it were nothing unusual. As with my other new construction ships, the missile crew and its embarked engineers worked through most of the drills and training exercises. Lieutenant Hurt and Chief Hall, with the discreet support of Captain Law, kept us clear of most of the training drills, and we were able to get the systems ready for anything. I had real confidence in our systems, and I was absolutely certain that the computers were head and shoulders above any that I had worked before. When we headed from Guantanamo to the missile range at Roosevelt Roads, we knew we were ready.
The missile firings went off smoothly, and we did very well. I don’t think that I have ever seen Tim as excited as he was when he saw his first Terrier Missile leave the launcher, heading for a drone aircraft target somewhere over the horizon. He had been allowed to go, with a couple of other young sailors, up to the flying bridge to watch the launch. I swear that, if I had reenlistment papers with me when they came down to the computer room after that, they all would have signed on the spot. They were really a proud bunch of kids, and Tim had that beamingly unforgettable look on his face that he got whenever something wonderful happened.
Shortly after the missile firings, I received a Letter of Commendation from Captain Law for the work that I had done on the Belknap missile systems. Of all the letters and commendations that I’ve received, both before and after that date, this is the one that meant the most to me, because of who it came from.
We left Puerto Rico and sailed north; justly proud of the welded steel and untrained crew that we had turned into a fighting machine.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
The End of Alone
I had requested thirty days’ leave that was to start the day after we reached the states. Of course, the first thing that I did when we reached port was to call Danielle. All was well there, and we talked for over an hour about the wedding arrangements and our plans. The priest had approved our plans to be married in the Catholic Church after receiving the correspondence course that I had mailed to him. The reception was going to be in a big hotel in Chicoutimi. All was well there.
Danielle had received a call from Mom, and she told me that Mom was definitely coming to the wedding. Not only was Mom coming, but a friend of hers was also coming. Danielle couldn’t remember the friend’s name, but it was a lady. So, when we finished talking, I called Mom. She was very excited by the planned trip. Tim’s gambling gift had helped a lot. She was coming with her best friend, Ida. The two of them had made some big plans and, for them, this was going to be the trip of a lifetime.
I was both surprised and happy to hear that Ida was coming with Mom. I had always really liked Ida, who was also one of the grocers who had carried the family’s grocery bills for so many years during the bad times. But, even before the bad times, I remembered Mom and Ida telling me that they had made plans when I was about five years old that eventually I would grow up and marry Ida’s oldest daughter, Linda. Wow, I’m going to hear about that when they get to Kenogami, I thought.
Mom and Ida had gone even further with their trip. They had decided to go all out, and they had each borrowed some money from the local bank to make the trip into a real, once-in-a-lifetime, event. They were scheduled to fly to Quebec City, where they expected me to meet them. Then they were going to the wedding, after which they were flying to New York, where the World’s Fair was in full swing. After visiting the Fair, they were going to Washington, DC, where Mom had arranged for them to stay with Senator Mansfield for a few days while they toured the city. It would be a trip to remember, and I was proud of Mom as well as being astounded that she was actually doing it.
Mom was both excited and scared on the telephone. But to me, the whole conversation was magical. The woman talking to me on the telephone, describing all of this, was not the same beaten housewife that I had known for too long. This was much more the mother that I remembered from our homebuilding days. Both of us were happy and proud of her for what she was doing.
I had to jokingly tell her to “Stop blubbering,” several times, mainly so that I wouldn’t start up myself.
The next morning, bright and early, I left Belknap, driving north on the last trip to Kenogami that I would make as a single man. I don’t think that I even saw the road between Virginia and northern Quebec. My mind was full, and dreams, good dreams, were everywhere.
The next thing I knew, I was standing in the doorway in Kenogami that Pierre had just opened. Danielle flew down the stairs into my arms. She never looked more beautiful to me than she did that day. We had just come t
hrough the first of our many long military separations, and we were still in love!
We were soon caught up in the myriad of things that still had to be done before the big day. I had to get fitted for a tux, we had to make sure the reception was on track, and we had a series of meetings with the priest. A thousand details awaited our attention.
Tim had not come for the wedding. He didn’t have a lot of leave on the books, and he wanted to save it for his next trip home. He begged off, and I didn’t blame him. Weddings are just not something to waste leave on when you’re a teenaged sailor.
My best man was going to be my old friend from USS Leahy, George Kaplan. The two of us had stayed in touch over the years, and he was due to arrive in Kenogami from his home in New Jersey any day. Another old friend, a man named Clete from Pittsburgh who had been on the Yarnell with me, was also coming to the wedding. We made arrangements for the two of them, along with Mom and Ida, to stay in the hotel where the reception was planned.
When the guys showed up, a few days before the wedding, Yvonne volunteered to show them the sights. She and George were soon good friends. That freed up Danielle and I to get the work done that needed doing.
Finally, several days before the wedding, Mom and Ida arrived in Quebec City. Danielle and I went to meet them, and Mom and Danielle hit it off immediately. I had not known it, but Mom actually spoke some French. It was very rusty, not having been used since she was a teacher about thirty years earlier, but she could make herself understood, and she was trying to communicate with it. That was very important to both Danielle and all the other the French Canadians.
More importantly to me, Mom was her old, confident, self. I was tremendously proud of her. She was the center of attention wherever she went for the next few days. She and Ida made friends everywhere and were obviously having the time of their lives. In fact, I swear that, a couple of times I caught them feeling no pain as they went from home to home and party to party. It seemed that all of Kenogami was partying in celebration of the wedding. Maybe that’s because Danielle had so many relatives in the area, but whatever the reason, it was fun for all of us.
Finally, the night before the wedding came. Danielle was closeted with her friends and family. As appropriate to the occasion, I had reserved a room at the same hotel where my friends and Mom were staying. Early in the evening, George, Clete, and I had gone out for dinner and a few drinks. But we didn’t even stay out late. Somehow the thought of a bachelor party or anything like that just wasn’t there. We just had a few drinks and went back to the hotel to get a good night’s sleep before the big day.
When I got to the hotel, I looked for Mom and Ida and found them sitting in the hotel lounge having a nightcap. I joined them and Ida instantly asked me, “Well, Jeff, are you ready for your big day?
I answered with a big smile and, “Sure. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time now.”
Mom responded with, “Is there anything that you are afraid of? Or worried about?”
I had to think about that for a minute before I answered, “I have some bad nightmares sometimes. My only worry is that I might have one right away and scare Danielle. I haven’t told her about them.”
Ida popped in with, “For God’s sake, Jeff, tell her. You don’t want to surprise her with that.”
I just grimaced at that. It was too late now. I wasn’t going to cloud the wedding day with this, even if I had to stay awake all of the first night.
Mom had listened to us talk about nightmares with a thoughtful look on her face. She asked me, “What are the dreams about?”
I replied, “I’m always in a hole with something bad hunting for me above the hole. It has a lot of different details, but that is always the main idea.”
Mom looked at Ida and said, “Those God-damned bunkers! They probably saved our lives, but they left some horrible memories for all of us.” Then she looked at me and softened, “It was a rough time, Jeff. Maybe it will go away now that you’re settling down and starting a normal life.”
I said, “I hope so, Mom, for all of us. Did you know that Tim has nightmares, too? His are a little different, but still pretty rough for him.”
Mom’s eyes watered as she held back the tears. She said, softly, “No. I didn’t know that.”
Ida came to the rescue then with, “Okay you two, this is supposed to be a happy time. Let’s forget the horror stories and enjoy our time together.” She was absolutely right, so we changed the subject to talk about the people they had met in Kenogami and how wonderful they had been to us all.
Then Mom changed the subject again. She said, “I had a long talk with your friends George and Clete this morning. They really got me thinking. Until I talked to them, I hadn’t realized what you’d really done in the Navy. They told me all about the things they know about you, and let me tell you, those guys didn’t have a bad word about anything. You’ve really come a long way, Jeff.”
I started to say something but she held up her hand to stop me.
Then she continued, “That really got me thinking. If you can do what you’ve done, why am I not doing more? I have the education and the ability, but I’m just cooking food for people when I should be really doing something with my life. When I get back, I’m going to get my American citizenship, and when I get it, I’m going to use my education and find a job that I can be proud of. I’ve been down too long. I’m fifty-three years old, and I’ve made up my mind that I’m finally going to do what I should have been doing for years. I was given an education, and I haven’t used it for almost thirty years. But that’s going to change, starting now. To hell with the people that say it can’t be done!”
I had been quiet through all of this. Now I said, “Mom, if you can come through what you’ve come through and still be sitting here talking like you’re talking, you can do anything. Go for it!”
We talked a bit about jobs that she might aspire to in St. Regis, and that led to a general conversation about our hometown and people we all knew that lived there. I learned that Ida had recently separated from her husband, who had been one of Dad’s drinking buddies. She was now on her own. Mom, on the other hand, still lived in the same home with Dad, but both had their own rooms, and there was no longer much interaction.
Mom explained, “Since about the Christmas before last, when you were home, Dad’s been pretty quiet. He still blows up sometimes, but nothing like before. But he’s drunk all of the time. I hardly ever see him, and when I do, he doesn’t have a lot to say.”
Since Kathy was babysitting the kids while Mom was on her trip, I asked Mom how all of them were doing.
She said, “Well, I’m a bit worried about Kathy. She is spending a lot of time taking care of the kids. Between that and working, she always seems tired to me. But she does seem to be handling everything all right.” She looked a little worried then, and went on, “She seems to think that she has to keep the little ones close to her for fear that they will be attacked by Dad or something like that.”
I didn’t want to open the subject of the bad stuff again, but now I didn’t feel that I had any choice. I said, “Mom, Tim and I had a long talk a few weeks ago. He said that he was worried about the kids.” I went on to tell her about the conversation that Tim and I had on the flying bridge that night. I finished it with, “I’ve learned to have a lot of respect for Tim. He’s smart, and he seems to have a sense of people that’s remarkable. When he says that maybe we have already been ruined by Dad, I have to wonder if he’s right. He seems to think that our futures are already written, and they don’t look good because of what we’ve been through. I don’t know if he’s right on this, but the thought has had me scared ever since we had that talk.”
Mom was obviously taken aback by this. “I didn’t know that Tim thought this way. But then I didn’t know that the two of you have nightmares either. I hope I’m not missing something big, but…” her voice trailed off, and the silence enveloped us for a moment.
She was obviously in
deep thought as she sipped on her drink and leaned back in her chair. Then she went on, “Tim’s wrong, Jeff. If I thought that he was right, I’d probably go shoot myself.” Another pause, then, “In my opinion, life is what you make of it. Everybody’s dealt a hand to start out with. Some hands are better than others, but regardless, we all have to live with the hand we’re dealt. It’s up to each of us to take the cards we’re handed and turn them into winners. Some people do this, and some people don’t. But we can’t start blaming our lives on the way the cards were dealt. In my experience, if people start out planning for failure, they end up failing. There don’t seem to be any exceptions.”
Ida chimed in about this time with, “Jeff, you listen to your mother. She knows what she’s talking about. This talk about being ruined for life is crazy talk. Look at you, for God’s sake. You are already more of a success than most of the people I know and you are just getting started. If your dad were going to ruin anyone’s chances, it would have been yours. You and your mother were the two that always got beat the worst!”
I guess there really were no secrets in our little hometown.
I looked at Ida and laughed, “Ida, all of my life, you’ve been telling me, ‘Listen to your mother, Jeff,’ and that’s the truth!” We all got a laugh out of that, because it really was true and we all knew it.
Then the conversation turned serious again. Mom said, “Jeff, These ideas of Tim’s are really bothering me. I’ll have a long talk with him when I see him next time. If he keeps thinking that he has no chance, he is going to have a rough time in life.”
I replied, “Certainly, Mom, I’ll try. But I have to admit that I’m still scared as hell that he could somehow be at least partly right. I’m not so scared for me, because I don’t really want a lot out of life, and tomorrow, I’ll be almost where I want to be. The only thing missing is a little house with a white picket fence—and that’s going to come. I’m far more scared for the others than I am for myself.”