by Blue Saffire
I know nothing about their relationship. Only that he ditched her for two months. Kitty has cried about missing him but never told me why he disappeared in the first place. I never got a chance to ask Kitty about any of that because I was being such a big jerk about everything. Now I know Kitty will rip me to shreds if she is in love with this guy. I can’t handle that, not when I finally feel like I can make her mine.
Watching her step out on stage causes a pain to rocket through my chest so hard I have to take a step back. I have no idea when it happened but I have started to fall for this girl and she completely owns my heart whether she knows it or not. I want to smash something to get rid of this hurt.
This is so twisted. I don’t want to lose my chance to get my girl. I feel so disconnected as I watch her smile out at the crowd greeting them and getting them amped up. When I first saw her tonight I didn’t think I could ever see anything so sexy, but now looking at her in her element, charged up by the crowd. Kitty is so amazing.
I know I am not going to lose her sitting down. I am going to fight for my girl. With that thought the first song starts and I play the intro and walk right up to Kitty. I lean down and kiss her on the cheek, the crowd goes nuts and I look down at her smiling like a geek.
The crowd here has watched us for the last three weeks giving off all types of sexual energy, that kiss just fueled the rumors. Kitty looks up at me forcing a smile, but raises a brow at me before she turns back to the crowd and gives them a show they will never forget.
We played our hearts out tonight. It was the perfect performance to kick off the tour. I could feel everyone getting into the zone for the weeks ahead of us and it felt right. Kitty had looked over at me with that perfect smile a few times during the set. I hope that’s a sign I have a chance and this was more than the show we’ve been putting on for the last four weeks. I can see Linc sitting at our table with Mandy and I am wishing that for once my sister would get a clue and get rid of the guy before he ruins my perfect world.
It is time for the final song and it is the one Crush and Kitty wrote together about that douche. I have to admit a part of me feels the sting of jealousy. I am not sure performing a song written for or about this jerk sits well with me. I am having a hard time hiding the grimace on my face as I strum the first chords.
It’s a ballad so Kitty sits on a stool while Mitch fixes her mic. It will be the first time she has played guitar with the band during a live performance and we are all amped about it. Crush was right she can really play and we happen to play really well together, like everything else we do perfect together.
I watch as Kitty starts to play and the room seems to fall silent. She starts to sing and I can see she has the room pulled in; even the douche is sitting forward leaning toward her.
Just hear me out just listen
I know there’s something you’ve been missing
And you believe it’s me… you want it to be me
I know that I am selfish
All you want is my kiss
But I don’t know what to do… I can’t love you like I need to
So you’re freeeeee
Free to live your life, free to be loved right
Free to find the right one, free to say you’re done
I know you deserve better
I know you deserve for us to be together
But I can’t give you what you deserve, I’m just grating at your nerves
But I can free you
You’re free to love again, you’re free from holding my hand
So you’re freeeeee
Free to live your life, free to be loved right
Free to find the right one, free to say you’re done
I want you to be free
Kitty starts into her amazing guitar solo and I watch the whole crowd sway as she plays her heart out. I can see Linc’s face compress as the words sink in and the tightness I felt in my heart since I saw my girl wrapped in his arms washes away. We have rehearsed this song a million times but I never listened to the words and understood what she was telling him until right now. I was always too pissed off that she had written a song for him to really hear her words.
I sort of feel bad for him for a second. I have fallen for this amazing, funny, talented, and beautiful girl in just two months and here he had so much history with her and he is watching her slip through his fingers just like I thought I was not too long ago. It hits me that I never want to be in his shoes. I’d do anything to make sure Kitty never has to sing me a goodbye.
~B~
I think actually performing this song out loud for Linc is the hardest thing I ever had to do besides going to my parents’ funeral. Although, I am so glad I’ve done this before I leave, this will give us time apart to heal and maybe someday I can have my friend back. I can see the pain on his face as I sing my goodbye. It will take time for us to be okay again, but I feel like a weight is being lifted. I communicated my feelings the way I know best.
As we finish the set I take off my guitar and take the towel Crush hands me as he pulls me into a hug. We worked hard to get that song perfect and I think we came pretty close tonight. We all push our way off stage and back to the bands table while people around us are congratulating us on going out on tour.
“Hey,” I beam up at Linc.
He swallows hard and looks me in the eyes. “Hey babe,” he says, voice thick with emotion.
“We okay?” I ask nervously.
“We will be,” Linc smiles.
“You guys were great,” Mandy squeals. “This tour is going to be awesome.”
“I know,” I gush.
“You were great baby,” Rage croons in my ear as he wraps his arms around me.
And this is the part of tonight that I just may not be able to handle. I could deal when Rage was ignoring me but this attention he is suddenly giving me tonight is frustrating and confusing. One minute he acts like I don’t exist and now he is just being plain weird. The kiss on stage, though it was only on the cheek, almost fried my brain. We have been pretending on stage but we never touch each other not like that.
I don’t know what changed when I got here tonight. I was not expecting Rage to talk to me least of all get in my personal space as much as he has tonight. I just know I am not open to being hurt and Rage has neon signs all around him that says he will hurt me.
“You were pretty awesome yourself,” I smile as I look up at him, not able to hide my confusion.
“Storm and Tommy want to hit the road so we sort of need to breakdown and load up,” Mandy announces as she wrings her hands and bites her lip.
I know we are all nervous about what’s to come but she seems to be extra nervous right now. It is so unlike her. I start to call her on it but Rage distracts me by kissing my shoulder.
“We’ll handle the equipment. Why don’t you go shower on the bus before the guys get on,” Rage whispers against my ear. My mouth falls open as I stare up at him.
I tense a little taking a step back from him. He just watches me cautiously with a grin playing across his lips. Oh this is just great. If Rage thinks he is going to get me to be some type of hook up buddy for the tour he is out of his flipping mind. I narrow my eyes at him and ball my fists at my sides.
“What babe,” Rage says as he watches my reaction. “I just thought you would want the privacy before you lose it for the next two months.”
“Yeah, um, sure,” I murmur. A month ago I would not have minded the way he is acting and it may not have raised a brow, but that was before the cold shoulder and the overprotective brother act.
“Cool,” he smiles. “Mandy, what happened to the roadie you were supposed to be getting. We can use a hand with this stuff. Where is he?”
“Um, that’s kind of what I need to tell you guys. He’s right here,” Mandy says with a little laugh as she points to Linc.
I think my world literally starts to spin. I look at Mandy with my mouth half open as I let her words sink in. This cannot be happeni
ng. What is she thinking? I look at Linc and he gives me an uncomfortable smile.
“What?” I squawk out.
“You have got to be kidding me, Mandy,” Rage growls.
“I thought… you know…you were so sad Kitty…I went to talk to Linc about everything and I told him about the tour and how we needed a roadie. We thought it would be fun like old times and you two could make up.”
“Look Kit, I thought we could make up for the two months we lost. I really am sorry about being a jerk. I thought time on the open road, on our bikes and some music would get us back to us,” Linc smiles impishly.
What do I say to that? This is my best friend but I can feel my blood boiling. The point of tonight was to say goodbye and have time of my own to heal and to let go. Now Linc will be in my face for two months. Then there is Rage. I can feel his body vibrating with anger. Trust me, it is not a secret that Rage is not a fan of Linc’s, which is partly my doing. I am going to kill Mandy. How could she do this to me?
“No way bro, not gonna happen,” Rage growls. “Fix this shit Mandy.”
“But I can’t fix it. His bike is loaded with everyone else’s already and it’s too late to find someone now,” Mandy whines.
“I knew you were up to something. I knew it,” Rage rumbles.
“Well if I told Kitty she would have said no and I – I wanted them to fix things and if I told you, you would have made this about the band,” Mandy stutters.
This is way too much to deal with. I just want it to be over with. Linc looks annoyed and pissed as he narrows his eyes at Rage. I just want to feel safe and secure the way Linc used to make me feel. Right now the warmth coming off Rage is sort of inviting in a weird way but I am not going there. However the second Rage puts a possessive hand on my waist and leans toward me, makes me instinctively lean into him.
“Listen dude, you are not my favorite person in the world right now either,” Linc starts causing more tension to radiate from Rage. “But I can help. Mandy said you guys needed someone with the experience but not the price tag. Kitty knows I’ve done this a few summers and from what I saw tonight and the gigs Mandy mentioned you will possibly need the extra muscle to keep Kitty safe. You guys are pulling larger crowds if you haven’t noticed. I’ll do anything for Kit so the price is right.”
“That’s the problem,” Rage hisses under his breath so low I almost don’t hear. What is that about?
I sigh, Linc is right. He grew up around the business as much as I did. My dad had taken him under his wing and let him work for friends. He would be a great help. This summer just went down the toilet, but it is too late now.
“Listen, what’s done is done. Storm and Tommy will be pissed if we don’t get moving. We’ll just be one big happy family, right,” I smile halfheartedly.
“Sure, one big happy family,” Linc says through a tight smile.
“You know, I should have known you’d say that,” Rage hisses and lets go of me before turning to storm off. I feel cold at the loss of his hand on me and wrap my arms around my middle. Oh yes, being around Rage is more dangerous than I like to admit to myself.
“You know how to pick ‘em,” Linc murmurs and pushes past me to go help with loading the gear on the bus. I am a little thrown by that remark. What exactly does Linc think is going on between Rage and me?
“This is going to suck. You know that, right?” I glare at Mandy who is wringing her hands again.
“I’m so sorry Kitty, I really didn’t know. You have been so upset and I never thought …I didn’t know,” Mandy sighs with her head down.
“Well it is done now and we are about to spend two months on a bus with five guys so how about we hit the shower before it is too gross to step foot in,” I throw an arm around Mandy’s shoulders and steer her toward the door.
One thing good came out of all this. Whether I want or not all the people I care about will be along for this journey. Now if we can all get along that would be great, and monkeys fly side by side when sleep. I peek over my shoulder to see Rage and Linc working together but with their backs to each other. Mitch is next to Rage whispering something in his ear. I hope whatever it is will keep this whole trip from turning into a nightmare.
I have knots forming in my stomach as I sit on the bed in the back of the bus. The guys said that Mandy and I could share the king size bed so I have been hiding out in the room since I took my shower. I can hear the guys laughing and talking up front. No one has come back here since they got on the bus.
For a tour bus the bedroom is pretty nice, with a huge mirror over the headboard of the king size bed. There is lots of storage space with hidden drawers and closet space. The guys agreed to let me and Mandy have the closet and drawers since we packed so much and the boys don’t care whether they wear the same outfit for the entire two months.
A knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts and the knot in my stomach just grows. Only it is Mandy who peeks her head in the room, her hair is still damp from her shower and she looks like she is afraid I am not going to welcome her in. I do consider throwing a pillow at her, but she was only trying to be a friend.
“Hey,” she breathes stepping into the room holding up two shot glasses, a bowl tucked under her arm and a bottle of tequila. “I don’t think I can take anymore of Linc and Nolan’s pissing match. I figured if you’re not talking to me we could both let the tequila talk to us.”
“Get over here,” I giggle.
Mandy beams and climbs on the bed with me. I reach for the bottle and open it while she sets the bowl with limes on the side table. I pour us each a shot as she holds the glasses up. We each take a shot and throw it back wincing and giggling. Laughter erupts from the other side of the door and I bite my lip as I look toward it.
“So… you and my brother?” Mandy quizzes as she follows my gaze.
“What,” I spatter and choke.
“Come on Kitty, I see you two on stage together and he looked like he was going to blow his top when I told you guys Linc was coming along for this trip,” Mandy replies with a roll of her eyes.
“Mandy, I love you but you are seeing things. Besides I am not your brother’s type. We have been over this before,” I sigh.
“Wrong, you are more Nolan’s type then you think. You two just seem to be fighting this thing that is going on with you,” Mandy smiles like she just hit the jackpot as I reach for the bottle to ignore her comments.
“Well for someone so observant you missed the part where I was totally into your brother and he just brushed me off,” I hiss before I can think about my words. I curse under my breath and pour another shot.
“Ah, so you admit you have a thing for Rage,” Mandy giggles.
“Past tense, had, as in won’t happen again, ever!”
Mandy presses her lips as she takes in my expression. I’m sure she can see I mean what I say. Rage is a closed case that I do not plan to reopen. Mandy starts to pout as she pours herself another shot. I watch her throw it back with my eyes narrowed on her. She is just getting her liquid courage in place. I know she has no plans to give up so easy.
“Kitty, one of these days you are going to have to let someone in,” I go to protest and she throws up her hand to hold me off. “Wait just listen, I get it Kitty you’re scared. I know you have been through a lot but you are not going to fully move on until you can let people in. I understand why you won’t let that person be Linc. I think I really finally get it, but Nolan is different Kitty. I think you two would be good for each other.”
I snort at her. “Nolan is not the one for me Mandy. He proved that the night he left the bar with Barbie number one and again with Barbie number two. All I am to him is a means to an end.
“He made me believe he was my friend and well I read more into it, when all along he just wanted chemistry for the band. That’s fine, I give him what he wants every time we get on the stage but I will not pretend that we have anything outside of that.”
“Oh Kelly,” Mandy shakes her head,
“Nolan would never do that. I think you are seeing things all wrong.”
“It is pretty black and white to me,” I grumble between slamming back another shot.
“That’s the problem Kel, everything is not always as black and white as you try to make it. I know my brother and I see the way he is with you,” Mandy sighs and reaches to hold my hand in hers. “Nolan is never the way he is with you with anyone else. When Nolan loves someone he treats them like gold. He’ll do anything for them. Trust me Kitty. My brother has feelings for you.”
“Drop it Mandy,” I growl.
“Only if you promise me one thing, be open for the next two months. Let yourself live and whether it’s with Linc or Nolan try to open up and let someone care for you,” Mandy says while holding my gaze.
I sigh. “I’ll be open Mandy but I can’t say it will be to either of them,” I relinquish.
“Umm, we’ll see,” Mandy giggles and throws back another shot. “From the looks on both their faces you will be giving in to one or the other.”
I groan and throw myself back on the bed. The last thing I need is a war on this trip between two guys I don’t want. Well one I don’t want and another that I am really trying to tell myself not to want. This is going to be a long two months.
“I’ll tell you something Kitty. Those two may kill each other before the two months are up, but the one thing that is clear is that neither one wants to see you unhappy.”
I curl in a ball and rest my head on Mandy’s shoulder as she lays on her side next to me. It has been so long since I have tried to live again. So long since I’ve admitted to myself that I know I am not allowing myself to be happy. For the first time I want to try. But do I really want to try with Nolan?
CHAPTER Ten
Our first night on the bus sucked. Kitty ended up passed out in the bedroom with my sister while I got shitfaced with my friends and the one guy that could ruin everything I’ve been dreaming about since Kitty walked into my life.