Jane: I feel incredibly sad right now. My life choices shouldn’t keep you from having all the love and happiness you deserve. Does Jason understand your reasoning?
Sandy: You know Jason, he’d never pressure me.
Jane: Is there anything I can say to help you get past this?
Sandy: No, Jane, but thank you.
Jane: Okay.
Sandy: I’ve got to go.
Jane: Bye.
Sandy: Bye.
Would I ever get to leave the past behind?
The idea of starting over in a new place where no one knew me suddenly had its appeal. Running away wouldn’t help Sandy get past whatever kept her stuck but I had no idea how to help or support her. I took a deep breath and responded to Chase.
Jane: Hey.
Chase: Having a good morning?
Jane: Not exactly.
Chase: Want to talk about it?
Jane: Not exactly.
Chase: Maybe you don’t understand how friendship works. You share something, I share something, and that way we get to know each other better.
Jane: Have you ever considered that I’m doing you a favor?
Chase: Have you ever considered that I can take care of myself?
Jane: Fine!
Chase: Fine!
Jane: Which do you want first? The drama in the house or the drama with my oldest friend, who won’t set a wedding date because of what happened to me?
Chase: As I see it, that’s three things: house drama, friend’s fear of marriage and what happened to you. I vote for starting with the third so maybe I can understand the second.
Jane: Fine, we will start with the first. :P
Chase: It’s like that, is it?
Jane: Most definitely.
Chase: Waiting …
Jane: You do realize you will have to go next, right? The whole give and take thing … and you better make it good.
Chase: Fine.
Jane: Is that your favorite word?
Chase: You are stalling …
Jane: Before I start, I have to know this is just between us. This is not to be discussed with anyone else. No sharing with Andre under any circumstances.
Chase: You have my word and I take it seriously.
I felt incredibly selfish. He had no idea what he was getting himself into just before I dumped my life drama on him but at the same time I needed someone I could confide in and trust to bounce off all the stuff that rattled around in my thick skull. Janice had been that person for a while but with the rift between us, that was no longer an option. If I gained any knowledge from my time with Luke, I learned to never let myself become so isolated again that I no longer felt I had my friends to lean on.
Jane: You asked for it. Just remember that.
Chase: Duly noted. Go for it.
Jane: I live with Marcello and Janice in Marcello’s home. He used to be very close with Luke, my ex-husband, “like brothers,” they were known to say. Janice lived with Luke before I knew him.
Chase: Very incestuous.
Jane: Yeah, you could say that. It’s a very long story, but the short version is that Marcello is involved with both of us and it seemed to work fine for a while but Marcello has fallen in love with me and now has less desire to spend time with Janice. Janice is understandably upset by it.
Chase: And is mad at you, I’m guessing?
Jane: Yeah, but what’s more upsetting is she’s stirring something up at the restaurant where she works—the one that Marcello owns. Even as I write this to you, I’m cringing and feeling like I should just shut the fuck up.
Chase: You are soooo dramatic. So far it’s nothing one wouldn’t expect under the circumstances. The pertinent question is: are you in love with him?
Jane: I do love him.
Chase: Like he loves you?
Jane: No.
Chase: This gets more interesting by the second. So if I understand you correctly: Janice is in love with Marcello, Marcello is in love with you, and you are still in love with Luke?
Jane: I’m not sure if Janice is in love with Marcello but being second place doesn’t work for her. I’m not in love with Luke anymore. I’m pretty sure I’m not capable of falling in love again and I don’t see it as a bad thing.
Chase: IC.
Jane: Your turn.
Chase: Wait, I have more questions.
Jane: I’m sure you do, but I’m not open to answering any more until you go. Start with what you know about me and a story about you. A very personal and embarrassing one will do.
Chase: Okay. I know you collapsed or passed out or something like that while with Luke and he called your girlfriends and had a couple of guys take you to Parker’s. Shortly after that you tried to kill yourself.
Jane: Fuck!
Chase: You asked.
Jane: Do you know what kind of relationship I had with Luke?
Chase: Andre said Luke was extremely controlling, according to Parker, and that she had real reservations about the relationship even before you got married.
Jane: Is that all of it?
Chase: I know you were naked at your wedding.
Jane: I’m mortified that you know all of this about me. Why in hell did you want to meet me?
Chase: I thought it might be interesting and I was doing Parker a favor.
Jane: Oh jeez. Well you’re officially off the hook.
Chase: I don’t want to be. I felt something the moment our eyes met. I want to know you, if you’ll let me.
Jane: FINE. Your turn and you better make it good.
Chase: Maybe it’s your new favorite word?
Jane: Now who’s stalling?
Chase: When I played on the high school football team …
Jane: High school, really? You have to go that far back for something embarrassing?
Chase: Are you going to let me tell it or what?
Jane: Fine.
Chase: LOL you are a funny one. So anyway, this girl decided she’d take on the football team ….
Jane: If you were the girl then maybe we’d have something of a comparison but …
Chase: Are you done? To share, you have to let me finish my sentences.
Jane: Right, okay. Go.
Chase: The “party” was at the house of a guy whose parents were out of town. By the time I arrived with my friend Diego, there were guys lined up waiting for their opportunity to fuck her. She lay on the dining room table while the quarterback plowed into her.
Jane: Were the men waiting in line dressed?
Chase: No, they were all naked.
Jane: How many were there?
Chase: 6 or 7 plus me and Diego.
Jane: Were you naked?
Chase: Yes, we got naked with the rest of them and watched.
Jane: Were you aroused?
Chase: Yes.
Jane: Did she seem to be enjoying it?
Chase: I don’t think she enjoyed the sex so much as the ordering around the guys and being in control.
Jane: How so?
Chase: After the quarterback finished, the next guy stepped up and she kicked him away with her foot and said, “Not you yet. Go to the end of the line.”
Jane: IC and?
Chase: By the time I stood in front of her, she said she was too tired and sore to do either of us.
Jane: Were you upset that she wouldn’t fuck you?
Chase: No, I was more curious why she did it in the first place.
Jane: Did you ask her?
Chase: Yes. She said she liked the attention and liked being in control. She ended up giving all those guys crabs and I’ve often wondered if she did it intentionally as payback, purposely sparing Diego and me.
Jane: Well, it’s a sweet story and if it actually happened to you, I’d say it counted but since it didn’t, try again.
Chase: I’m embarrassed to say, my life has been rather vanilla. Not for lack of trying though.
Jane: Explain.
Chase: I have tried to get p
ast lovers to open the relationship or try more kinky things.
Jane: Like?
Chase: Bondage, threesomes, anal sex, etc.
Jane: IC.
Chase: Your turn.
Jane: I don’t see how your silly story equates with what’s going on in my life.
Chase: Stop thinking I’m judging you and focus on the fact that I want to know you. Give me a chance. It sounds like you could use an objective friend.
I sighed loudly to myself and decided to take a gamble.
Jane: The Reader’s Digest version is that I stumbled upon Luke at a large party house. I didn’t know what kind of social function my FWB had brought me to.
Chase: What kind of party was it?
Jane: They called it a house party but it was essentially a swingers’ event.
Chase: So a gathering for sex?
Jane: Primarily, yes, although many people just watched.
Chase: How did you meet Luke?
Jane: In his bedroom. I searched for a phone to use because I wanted to leave and Scott had driven me but after we arrived he soon disappeared.
Chase: IC and then?
Jane: I moved in with Luke in less than a week.
Chase: Into the party house?
Jane: No, an apartment near my work that Luke rented for us.
Chase: You move fast.
Jane: Not usually.
All of a sudden I felt exhausted and needed to either take a nap or go for a run. I also couldn’t just lay out my whole history for him to peruse.
Jane: It’s been … interesting but it’s time for me to go for my run.
Chase: You’re a runner?
Jane: I am.
Chase: So am I. Maybe we can go together sometime?
Jane: Maybe.
Chase: Thanks for the chat and for trusting me.
Jane: Sure thing. See you Saturday.
Chase: Saturday.
The days cooled off during the fall in Hollywood, Florida, as the heinous heat had subsided making it more pleasant to run in the afternoon sun. Passing by the kitchen before I headed out, I grabbed a banana from the bowl of fruit. An errant idea crossed my mind and I took my cellphone from my pocket and texted Marcello.
Me: Do you have a set of keys to the beach house?
I stood waiting to receive a text response. I decided on a strawberry yogurt while I waited.
Marcello: Yes, I do, but I don’t see the point. I don’t see how anything positive can come out of it.
Me: Shouldn’t I be the one to decide that?
Marcello: But last time you were there you, Jane …
Me: I haven’t forgotten. I think it will be good for me.
Marcello: And if you are wrong? Can you wait until I get home so we can go over there together?
Me: Do you trust me?
Marcello: Implicitly.
Me: So tell me, where are the keys?
Marcello: Jane.
Me: I will tell you all about it on our call tomorrow morning.
I sat on the counter, awaiting his response as I finished my yogurt. I imagined him trying to figure a way around it. After a few minutes the text came through.
Marcello: Top drawer inside my armoire.
Me: Thank you!
I jumped down and snatched up the banana and water and jogged to his room. Sure enough, I found Luke’s set of keys. It felt odd to hold them in my hand, as though the past lived inside them.
Marcello: Please don’t make me regret my decision.
Me: No chance. :*
Marcello: Will you be around later?
Me: Sure, what’s up?
Marcello: Make sure you have Skype downloaded to your computer. See you at 8?
Me: Looking forward to it.
I felt inclined to drive straight to the house but instead parked at my usual spot and ran in the opposite direction. Alex Clare blared through the headphones and my body bubbled with excitement. I’d get to be inside my house. That life seemed forever ago and I felt like I had to give it a proper farewell. Plus, call me crazy, but I wanted to see what it felt like to be there and since it looked completely uninhabited, I didn’t have to worry about running into Luke.
The music switched to Calvin Harris and for some reason the song “Feel So Close” made me think of Chase. I wondered if our strides would suit each other the way mine did with Luke’s. I couldn’t imagine that we’d have any reason to run together but I was curious.
After my workout, I stretched and pondered what Marcello might have in store for me that night. Should I buy a new outfit to surprise him? Unlike Luke, who preferred me naked, he seemed to have a thing for lingerie.
I drove over to the house and parked in front. I stayed in the car for a few moments, wondering what I hoped to gain from my excursion. Although the house had never felt fully my own, legally it still belonged equally to me and Luke under Florida law.
No time like the present, I thought. Opening the car door and grabbing the set of keys, I finally ventured forth.
The fourth key worked like a charm and I entered the house. The place smelled musty and I felt an overwhelming desire to open all the windows. Instead I just left the front door open and spread wide the French doors that faced the ocean.
I stood inside and looked out the back, as I had many times before. I could see Luke and me having Sunday breakfast near the steps, watching the waves roll in. Then my eyes wandered to the pool, where one evening we had played in the water after all the models had gone. I scanned over to the French doors, where we made love just inside, because we were too impatient to make it to the bedroom. So ravenous for each other, it never seemed to be enough. More, please! I heard myself say.
The wind blew in past me and stirred up the dust, causing me to sneeze four times in a row.
The place felt sad, or maybe I projected my own emotions. It made me think of the movie, Legend. Winter descended over everything, stopping time. Time had definitely stopped in the place we had once called a home.
I moseyed through the kitchen, trailing my finger through the dust, and wondered if anyone else would ever live in the house. Would they have sex on the counter like we had the time Luke cornered me against the sink as I cleaned up the plates and pans he’d used to make us dinner? Suds on my hands, I’d let him spin me around, devouring my mouth, making me giggle. I wrapped my arms around him, not caring about the bubbles covering his back. He lifted me onto the counter just to the right of the sink and settled himself between my thighs, clutching my ass and fully penetrating me.
I shook off the vision and traveled deeper into the house. His office door was locked, but I had no interest in entering there. In my writing room, I plopped down on the love seat by the door, watching a cloud of dust dance in the air. A thought occurred to me and I opened all the drawers of the desk to find them empty.
I walked into our bedroom. The painting Luke had given me for my wedding gift still hung by the door. The room still held furniture he had moved two different times while I knew him. I opened the closet and stepped back, holding my chest to calm my rapid breathing. All his clothes still hung there. He had another place in Japan and never packed much for his trips so I shouldn’t have been surprised. Still, it shocked me that he had literally walked away from our life, leaving everything behind.
I checked my side of the closet and found a pair of boots I had forgotten about. I placed them on the bed. I gathered hair ties and a few other things from the bathroom as well. Opening all my drawers, I found them empty except for the last, where I found a box. I didn’t open it but placed it next to my boots. I plunked at the foot of the bed and stared at Luke’s belongings in the closet. I was tempted to take one of his shirts with me but decided that wouldn’t sit well with Marcello.
Sliding down the edge of the bed to the floor, I squeezed my bent knees to me and finally gave myself over to the pain of all I had lost. While I knew the flaws in our relationship and no longer wished to have him back, I still loved Luke li
ke no other and the loss felt worse than death. I let myself grieve.
I mourned, not only for the loss of love and connection, but the loss of innocence that I could never regain. I cried for old Jane, that stupid girl who needed more adventure in her life. Well, she had gotten that in spades. The tears cleansed some of the guilt and shame I carried for my choices and how they’d affected my friends and even my mother. When Sandy came to mind, I wished I could wash away how my life had impacted hers. She seemed most bothered by my recent mistakes.
As my breathing began to slow, I cried for Luke.
He needed love as much as I did. I still had limited knowledge of Luke’s past but knew enough to understand that he had been through hell during his youth. Janice left me wondering if he had to hustle his way to survive when he lived out on his own, much too young. He had managed to break out and become a successful photographer but the past still haunted him, just as my married life with him still haunted me.
The sorrow felt so deep and raw. I still loved him. If I could wipe the slate clean for all of us, I would. Hardest of all, I had to go on knowing that I’d not only hurt myself and those who trusted me, but could never truly resolve or find closure with him, with Luke, the man who used to be mine.
He wasn’t good for me and I wasn’t good for him but I no longer hoped he’d suffer. We’d both suffered enough.
Sitting there on the floor of our bedroom, I wondered if we could ever exorcise the demons from our home. I didn’t think so.
I loved that house, my dream house, now frozen in time.
I scooped up my belongings and took one last glimpse outside as I closed and locked the French doors.
Turning the key on the front door, I noted which one I used to lock it and on the way home, had a duplicate created. Going by the house had been the right thing and I was tired of other people exerting control over things that belonged to me. Somehow the key symbolized that. More comfortable in my skin and therefore my life, I felt more at peace. I had grieved the past and the loss of my home.
My Body-Mine Page 9