A Face To Die For

by Jan Warburton

As he slept contentedly I lay for some time, humiliated and troubled. Don't be silly; I tried to tell myself. Yet somehow I couldn't erase it from my mind. Alex had never ever said that word to me before, so why now?

  Could it be, I wondered, that as a married man and a father now he thinks of me in an entirely different light? That must be it! Oh, I'm such a fool! Why do I put up with it?

  Of course, there had been sound reasons why Susannah must never know about us. And I'd accepted them; basically because Alex had always insisted he'd been obliged to marry the Texan heiress for financial reasons. The De Mournay oil dynasty and the vast Karos shipping lines had supposedly been a very worthwhile merger for both families.

  Vanessa had never minced words about being unhappy about their marriage either. 'God, I loath Susannah,' she’d said. 'But the marriage is important to Papa, and he's one person Alex and I never cross. But don't worry about it, darling, Alex visits London very infrequently, and he needs company when he's here. Why shouldn't it be you? Anyway, I’m just as naughty, starting my love affair with Rowley while he was still engaged to Julia! Wicked.'

  Didn't I know Alex visited London infrequently! Too damned infrequently… not surprising she'd happily accepted his relationship with me. It was all very clandestine and totally unsatisfactory.

  The wedding between Alex and his bride Susannah had taken place in New York during my early secret involvement with him. ‘A marriage of convenience to both families’ was how Alex had described it. Thus, just as Vanessa continued to cast a blind eye to Alex bedding me, I had been persuaded to imagine that his marriage never existed.

  During my sleepless night, distressed by Alex's changed manner, I had made the momentous decision that I had to cool things with him. It wasn't going to be easy, nor was it what my heart really wanted, but painfully I could see no future in the relationship. Alex could never be mine. Apart from that, his intermittent involvement with me completely jeopardised my chance of ever developing a proper relationship with anyone else, one that, who knows, might be more permanent and meaningful. By continuing in this way with him I was not doing myself any favours.

  Thinking this way was all very brave of me, of course. The facts were there. With the need to be always so careful he and I could never openly socialise together. It had become such a strangled sort of affair; secret trysts usually here at Vanessa’s flat, with just the occasional meal out somewhere very quiet together.

  As I tossed my head around on my pillow, damp from my tears, I knew it had to end.

  *

  Next morning early, before Alex stirred and would probably want to make love again, I set the scene.

  In the bathroom cabinet I found a half full pack of Tampax and left it opened on top of the toilet cistern. I was hopeful it would indicate to him that sex was out of the question again this morning. I had to be saved from being persuaded against my overnight resolve.

  'You okay, honey?' Half naked, Alex wandered through to the kitchen as I was making coffee. 'Sorry. A bit too energetic last night, huh?' He kissed me on the shoulder, and I silently passed him a mug of black coffee. He lit up a Marlboro and handed me one from the pack.

  I shook my head to the cigarette; I didn’t smoke all that much anyway, and quickly I turned back to the kettle. 'My period's come early, that's all. Want some toast?'

  'No thanks, hon. I must get off soon. Two important meetings today. I’ll tell you all about it tonight.' He took a gulp of his coffee and disappeared off with it to shower and dress.

  I also needed to get off to work promptly, and so I made the bed and prepared to leave. But watching him moving about the flat before he left, I was already hovering between two minds over my decision. I adored him so much. If only he was free for us to be like this permanently. If only he were based in London. If only...

  The idea of us never making love again hurt like hell. Oh Alex, I thought, as my inner debate raged, why don’t you just return to America without ever coming back to London again? Something like that was needed to resolve the situation for me. It was going to be agony to do it all by myself. Confused and tormented I wasn't altogether sure what I wanted any more?

  *

  Over lunch in a favourite little Italian bistro in Davies Street, I told Vanessa of my momentous decision to finish with Alex.

  'It's going nowhere, Vanessa, and I can't tolerate being used any more... which ostensibly is

  what's going on? It's ruining my life. All I ever do is hang about waiting for him, and you know as well as I do, that weeks can lapse in between. I adore him, you know that, but it's no good; all this secrecy. His marriage and now his child obviously come first, and let's face it that's how it should be. If he were my husband, that's what I'd expect anyway. Fat chance.'

  'Well, darling, without being too blunt, you've known this all along.' Vanessa sprinkled more Parmesan onto her pasta. 'What's made you change your attitude all of a sudden? I thought it suited your lifestyle; that you were content to just be his mistress?'

  I stared at her, fork poised. 'Crikey, I'd never actually thought of myself as that ... but you're right; that's what I am, aren't I? Well, not any longer! It's all or nothing. Either he makes a proper commitment, and I know that's extremely unlikely or I finish the relationship. Tonight I'll have it out with him. Anyway, I don't think he has the same feelings for me any more. Last night ...I sensed something, a sort of change in him. Oh, I don't know ...'

  I felt utterly depressed talking about it, but at least it had helped airing my doubts and feelings to someone.

  'If only he hadn't married that drip, Susannah,' said Vanessa. 'Mummy tells me she's horrendously lazy and has put on a frightful amount of weight. Hardly ever does a thing for the baby. The nanny does it all. Drinks heavily too, and I believe Alex and she rarely sleep together.'

  'Really?' I pushed my dish away; I wasn’t hungry, and reached for my coffee.

  Vanessa nodded. I was surprised. Their wedding pictures had shown his wife to be slim, and petite as well as fairly attractive. But since then Alex and I had agreed never to discuss her. 'Our time's too short, honey,' he'd always insisted.

  I stifled a snigger whilst stirring the froth on my cappuccino. 'In other words they aren't all that happy together then?’ I murmured. Oh my God, do I sound too exultant? But Alex has never once given me the slightest hint that things between them were quite that bad. 'Might they split up then?'

  'Don't ask me. Ask darling Alex; he's the one you need to question. I'm only repeating what Mummy's told me. Talking of which, Rowley and I have finally set the date for our wedding. September the fifteenth. Also, darling, I want a Miss Courtney dress, if that can be arranged? I loved that wedding dress in your last collection. I’d like it in satin instead of taffeta though, and with a few other tiny modifications. Is that possible do you think?'

  'No problem,’ I said reverting to business mode. ‘When you can drag yourself away from Rowley, come home to the flat and we'll work on it together.'

  'Er… actually, darling, I think I'll wait a few days ... till Alex has gone back,’ she hedged. ‘Actually though, do you mind if I just pop in very quickly tonight to pick up some clothes? I'll only be a few ticks.'

  'Vanessa, it is your flat! Come and go as you please. Don't worry about Alex and me.'

  'Oh, but I do. Damn, that's something else I need to talk to you about, darling. I was going to tell you tonight. You see I'll probably have to sell the flat when we get married. So it might...'

  ‘... mean I’ll have to move out,’ I finished off for her.

  'Well, no, not really. Oh, I don't know. Actually last week I was on the phone to Alex and vaguely suggested to him that he might like to take over the leasehold; buy it as a love-nest for the pair of you. Hell, I'm not so sure if that was a good idea now. I mean, if Alex owns it he’ll become your landlord and you'll have to pay him rent, although I doubt he’d accept it, of course. But if you finish with him, it could be rather awkward. Shame. He seemed awfully keen too.'
/>
  Damn, I'd never thought about the possibility of Vanessa selling the flat - and to Alex too. Now I didn't know what to do, about Alex, or about anything. Probably best to move out altogether. Hell, it was all getting so complicated.

  'Look, do me a favour please. Don't mention any more about the flat to him,' I pleaded. 'Give me a chance to talk things over with him first.'

  I honestly didn't know what to think any more. Could I stand a chance with Alex after all then, especially if his marriage was foundering? If so, then I'll have to be cautious how I handle things tonight. My mind was filled with so many ifs. Despite my earlier resolve, another inner debate had now begun to rage inside me.

  I left work that night, feeling extremely weary, not only from lack of sleep and my tormented mind, but because I'd also had a very frustrating afternoon with Edward.

  Things were not going well with the early designs for the next Miss Courtney collection. He was not seeing things my way at all over the newer lines I was working on. I wanted to incorporate a much younger look, with more snappy shapes, for daywear especially. I felt the need for shorter skirts and higher waistlines, but still keeping the emphasis on good cut and tailoring.

  Edward however, had completely rejected most of my sketches with the terse remark, 'Far too little girlish, Annabel. Slightly shorter skirts are acceptable, to a degree, but you must still keep the look chic and classic. Most of these designs aren't. It’s what Courtney customers expect.'

  'But if we never take a risk once in a while by making a few changes, as many other Ready-to-Wear designer houses are doing, we'll soon be considered old hat,' I’d retaliated.

  Edward had visibly winced as I'd ranted on.

  'We'll also risk losing all our younger clientele to the newer, more adventurous houses, Edward! Mary Quant and Jean Muir are both doing a roaring trade and they're not afraid to be more innovative and daring with skirt lengths.'

  He'd still refused to budge, or even compromise. I tried to persuade him that planning Ready-to-Wear was a different concept altogether from haute couture, but he couldn't see that one needed to keep more abreast with the times. Clearly the sixties were proving to be pretty revolutionary in so many ways.

  Much was changing, especially on the fashion scene amongst the young. This in turn, I could see was echoing across into the High Street boutiques that were opening up all over. If only Edward could accept it. Or was he simply afraid of the possible demise of haute couture within a few years? Perhaps that was his problem?

  Lynda was off sick, so I hadn't had her valued support to dilute the afternoon's discord. She was usually very much in agreement with me; also favouring trendier, shorter day-wear designs, and had come up with some interesting ideas herself. I'd also noticed that even Vogue was currently saluting several newer, independent designers. Passionately wanting to be amongst them, I was frustrated and angry; feeling like the proverbial bird with clipped wings. If only I had my own designing business, then I could do exactly as I wanted with no one to thwart me.

  I purchased a few groceries and a bottle of wine from the little deli-food store in Davies Street; all the while desperately wishing I was going home to be on my own tonight. For once, knowing that Alex was in town was no consolation to me.

  CHAPTER 6

  I dumped the delicatessen bag on the sink unit and removed the ingredients intended for supper. This included some freshly minced beefsteak. Cleo, nose a-twitch, meowed loudly as she wound her sleek black body through my legs. This was about the only time she was quite so verbal or commanded such attention.

  'All right, there's some for you, sweetie…' I scooped a tiny portion of the meat onto a saucer and put it down for her. With an eager chirrupy noise she darted forward to attack it. The rest I placed safely in the fridge while I took a shower.

  Cleo had adopted me about a year ago when another resident in Eaton Square had departed for the Middle East. Adorable as she was, like most cats she could be quite aloof; often tucking herself away in one of the bedrooms to sleep eighty per cent of her life away. She and I were great pals though, and sometimes she'd curl up with me on the sofa whilst I read or watched TV. Alex wasn't keen on cats however, and sensing this she’d make herself pretty scarce if he was around.

  Refreshed from my shower, I dressed comfortably in a pair of jeans and a cream, raw silk blouse. Mindful that the evening ahead could be tricky, and possibly even a little fraught, I put on some calming classical music, and poured myself a glass of the red wine to sip while I started dinner. I still hadn't quite made up my mind what to do about Alex.

  Now that almost twenty hours had elapsed the impact of what he'd said after our lovemaking last night somehow didn't seem quite so awful any more. Chances were Alex would laugh at my prudish reaction; considering the very un-prudish we always made love. Probably hundreds of couples say such things to each other in the heat of passion without causing offence. I'd been stupid and naive reacting to it in the way I had.

  As I recalled the other sexy things Alex had expressed to me last night; the memory of his muscular body entwined with mine, and the intensity of our lovemaking, an erotic feeling surged through me again. No, he hadn't changed towards me. I’d simply been over sensitive, that's all.

  Such memories made me ache for him all over again. Certainly last night's passion had been particularly blowing; climaxing simultaneously the way we had. Such times were sheer heaven. No, I mustn't let one tiny incident make all that difference.

  Back to the job in hand; dinner. The meat was cooking slowly in a tasty tomato and onion sauce; just rice and corn on the cob to cook as soon as Alex appeared.

  OK, I thought, as I reclined on the sofa, wineglass in hand, let's assess the situation. True, it's not exactly ideal in every sense, but is any relationship? At least it's still ongoing and a loving one of sorts ... plus we are always totally relaxed in our intimacy.

  The only thing lacking was the reliable cosiness of connubial life with Alex; sharing and caring on a day to day basis, instead of a couple of days every two months - if I was lucky! That's what really grated on me more than anything, I decided. The more intense my longing was for such an existence, the more impossible it always seemed. Until today, when Vanessa had told me about the odd way Alex and Susannah apparently lived as man and wife. It certainly hadn't sounded much like marital bliss to me. Could there then be a smidgen of hope for me with Alex, after all.

  *

  Later on, after dinner, Alex refilled my wine glass. He lit a cigarette and sat forward gazing at me across the table with intensity in his deep, dark eyes.

  'I've something good to tell you, honey. I think it's good news anyway, and of course I hope you will too.

  'Try me,' I said, as I began sipping my wine.

  'Well, firstly I've decided to buy the lease of this apartment; so when Vanessa marries Rowley, it'll be mine. Ours, if you like. You'll stay on, I hope.'

  I gave a slight teasing smile. 'Depends if you put the rent up.’ Then looking squarely at him, I broke into a wide grin. 'Actually, Alex, I already know about the flat. Vanessa told me today that she'd offered it to you. Did you know they're planning on a September wedding?'

  He drew on his cigarette. 'Are they? Good. Anyway, the next thing I have to tell you, honey, should give you much more of a surprise ... a pleasant one, I hope.

  I took a massive gulp of wine and looking blankly at him. I wondered what was coming next. His eyes looked deeply into mine. I gazed back, adrenalin pumping through me.

  'Well, today, I had a most successful meeting with the owners of Intersea Ferries.' He paused to flick the ash off his cigarette into the ashtray. 'Karos International Cruise Lines are merging with them to form Karos Intersea Ferries and Cruise Lines. Anyway, without going into too much detail, this will of course enable both companies to extend our interests into a more superior cross-channel ferry service to France and Spain. Karos Lines also intends to expand their holiday cruise business here. I know none of all this will i
nterest you too much, honey, so I'll skip the rest, except to say this…

  ‘Wait for it…' Another pause from him, and I could hear my heart thumping away. 'Because of this massive merger I will be spending a lot more time in London in what will become a very busy office from now on. This means, honey, you and I can be together more.'

  I gasped. 'I don't believe it!' Alex's business interests in England had always been so minimal up to now; with most of his London visits just brief stopovers; usually en-route to somewhere else.

  'I couldn't mention it before because we hadn't sealed the deal. But today we did. So you see I've even more reason to want to take this place over. It can become ours, our home together, Annabel, and of course you won't pay any more rent either, once it's in my name.'

  'Oh, Alex, it’s ... it's fantastic news!'

  To think only a matter of hours ago I'd doubted my relationship with him. Yet subconsciously, I think I must have known that now hadn't been the right moment for us to break up. I rose and rushed round the table to kiss him.

  Arms around one another, we took our drinks through to the sitting room, where he continued telling me more about the business deal. All I was interested in was that Alex and I could be more like a real couple at last. Bliss.

  'How much will you be in London from now on?'

  'At least fifty per cent of the time, I should think, especially during the setting up period. Then, I guess, it depends on how well the new ferry and cruise business takes off. Karos Cruises have never been promoted properly here before, so it'll take some time to develop that side of things.'

  I was ecstatic. At long last my dream was materialising. Just one thing still bothered me ... and I had to ask...

  'Alex, I know we agreed not mention her… but what about Susannah? How will this affect her? Won't she expect to be with you a good bit, if you're to spend more of your time here? Surely she'll want to join you sometimes?'

  'Don't worry about Susannah, honey... she's the least of our worries.'