A Sister's Secret

by Debbie Grafham

  ‘No, thanks,’ I said. ‘I’d prefer to stand.’

  I’d been obsessed with this day for so long but now I was actually here it didn’t seem real.

  ‘I must say it’s very commendable of your witness not to have any screens up,’ I heard Ryan’s barrister say to Mr Williams, the prosecution barrister.

  But I didn’t feel commendable. I felt terrified out of my wits because I knew whatever happened next wasn’t going to be nice.

  Chapter 19

  Justice

  First up was the prosecution barrister Mr Williams, who I’d met the day before. I was still nervous but at least I knew he was on my side.

  ‘Mrs Grafham, I am going to ask you some questions. May I call you Debbie as I do that?’

  ‘Yeah, that’s fine,’ I said.

  ‘Thank you,’ he replied. ‘When I have finished asking you some questions the gentleman who sits to my right, Mr Collings, will ask you some questions.’

  ‘OK,’ I said.

  ‘Can you give your answers, when you do answer the questions, not to either of us but rather to the ladies and gentlemen in the jury box over there?

  ‘And keep your voice up if you would and try and reach the back row, but that microphone might assist.’

  I nodded. The hard part was about to begin.

  At first it was just basic information that he was asking. How old were we when we lived at Coleraine Road? Who lived in our flat? How long did we live there? How did we know Patrick Ryan?

  I had to keep reminding myself whom to look at and when and I was so worried that I was going to mess it up.

  ‘Are you able to say anything about an incident that concerned Laraine when she was in the upstairs flat that you became aware of?’ Mr Williams asked.

  Carol had told me he wasn’t allowed to be seen to be putting words into my mouth with his questions but I knew straight away what incident he was referring to.

  ‘Yes, I had been out,’ I said. ‘I had been to the park and I had come back and I heard Laraine screaming and crying. The front door was open.’

  ‘Where were the screams and the crying sounds coming from?’

  ‘It was from the upstairs flat,’ I explained. ‘So I went up there.’

  ‘And what did you see when you went up the stairs?’

  ‘Patrick Ryan on top of my sister on the landing.’

  ‘What did you do when you saw Patrick Ryan on top of your sister on the landing?’

  ‘I tried to get him off,’ I said. ‘I jumped on his back and I tried to pull him by his ponytail. He let go of my sister. Whether he fell or she fell I don’t know but she went down the stairs.’

  ‘How was she once she got to the bottom of the stairs?’ he asked.

  ‘She was upset. She was crying and she had a cut on her face. I took her in and bathed her face and her glasses were broke.’

  We quickly moved onto the stuff I was dreading.

  ‘Was there ever any incident in which you were involved with Patrick Ryan?’ asked Mr Williams.

  ‘Yes, on several occasions,’ I replied.

  ‘I am going to ask you to tell us about each of those in some detail,’ he said.

  I took a deep breath. The questions kept coming – what was I wearing? What exactly did he do? Where were we in the house? What had happened afterwards? He wanted to know everything.

  ‘I am going to move on to the first time that you remember that Mr Ryan put his penis into your vagina. Firstly, where did that take place?’ he asked.

  ‘I saw him again with Laraine and I begged him and begged him to stop it, to stop touching her,’ I told him. ‘The conditions were if I let him do it to me then he would stop touching my sister.’

  ‘What did he then go on to do?’

  ‘He went on to rape me fully.’

  ‘How did that rape come about?’

  ‘Laraine was up there again with Alison and more often than not I would go up with her because I knew what was going to be happening to her. He was going to do it to Laraine again if I didn’t let him do it to me.

  ‘He got hold of me before I got to the front room,’ I said.

  ‘And what did he do when he got hold of you?’

  ‘He took my bottoms off and forced my legs apart. Then he forced his penis into my vagina so hard.’

  ‘How did you feel when he forced his penis into your vagina?’

  My hands were sweating now and I was worried I was going to pass out. I gripped onto the sides of the witness box to stop myself from keeling over. I gulped down some water. God only knows how many glasses I’d already got through.

  ‘Jesus, it fucking hurt!’ I said. ‘It burnt and made me wee. It made me wee, it hurt so much.’

  That was the only time I lost it and swore. Thankfully no one pulled me up on it or told me off. I just felt so dirty and embarrassed.

  ‘What was Patrick Ryan’s reaction when you wee’d?’

  ‘He called me a dirty little c**t,’ I said, still feeling ashamed at the memory. ‘That’s what he called me.’

  ‘How long did he have sex with you?’

  ‘It felt like forever but probably minutes. I was just trying to fight and…’

  ‘And how did it come to a conclusion?’

  ‘He ejaculated inside me.’

  ‘After he had raped you what was the state of your vagina?’

  ‘It was burning. It was bleeding.’

  ‘What did he do once he had finished raping you?

  ‘He pissed on me.’

  I could feel the jury’s eyes on me. It was so hard describing these horrific, intimate things that happened to me in front of a room full of strangers as well as the man who had done it.

  I could see some of the jury members were as distressed as I was. I kept catching the eye of one woman who looked like she was in her early forties like me. I could see her eyes filling up with tears as I answered. I felt for them. It must have been horrible having to sit there and hear that and also for poor Rob, sat there in the public gallery, listening to how I was abused and humiliated.

  I tried to answer everything clearly and confidently but it was so hard. I knew it was going OK because Carol was sitting at the front of the court with Jo and every so often I’d catch her eye and she’d give me a thumbs up. But I was so scared about what was to come.

  ‘What other incidents were there that directly involved you?’ Mr Williams asked.

  This was the part that I was really dreading.

  ‘He would also put his penis in my mouth and then he would on other occasions pull my shorts or my trousers down and he would put his tongue inside my vagina,’ I said, shuddering at the memory.

  ‘Where was it that that would happen?’

  ‘On the landing, always mainly on the landing.’

  ‘And how long did each episode of that behaviour go on for?’

  ‘It’s hard to put a timing on it. It felt like forever.’

  ‘And, again, approximately how many times did that behaviour happen that he put his tongue inside your vagina?’

  ‘Oh God, it was lots,’ I said. ‘I didn’t count but lots.’

  As I was forced to describe in detail to the court how Ryan had pushed his penis into my mouth and moved my head backwards and forwards on it, vomit fizzed in my throat.

  Oh God, please don’t let me be sick in the witness box, I thought.

  I could feel the colour drain from my face. Mr Williams must have noticed it too because he said, ‘Would you like to take a break, Debbie?’

  There was nothing I would have liked more. I was desperate to get out of that courtroom and have a cigarette, but I think if I’d left at that point I wouldn’t have gone back. I also remembered what Carol had told me before the trial started: ‘They’ll probably ask you if you want to break but if you can manage it it’s best to say no because it interrupts the flow of questioning,’ she’d said.

  ‘No, thank you,’ I told him.

  ‘Are you happy to carry on?’


  ‘Yes,’ I nodded.

  I knew the sooner I got this over and done with, the sooner I could go.

  The questions carried on.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell your mother about what he was doing to Laraine and what he had been doing to you?’

  ‘My mum was never really around. She wasn’t well and part of me was ashamed and part of me, I suppose, was used to it by the time he started doing it.’

  ‘I did threaten to tell my mum and he told me his brother was in the police force and I would never be believed and that he would kill us and he would kill my mum.’

  Thankfully, I couldn’t see Ryan as I gave evidence. But if I turned around slightly to the right and looked over my shoulder then I could catch a glimpse of him. I did have the odd sneaky glance at the dock but he was always looking at the floor.

  ‘Thank you, Debbie,’ Mr Williams said to me finally. ‘I have no more questions, Your Honour.’

  At least that part was over with, but now it was Ryan’s barrister’s turn to question me and I knew that what had just gone was a walk in the park compared to what was to come.

  Don’t let him get to you, I told myself.

  I took a deep breath and prepared for battle. I was right to have been worried: Mr Collings pulled no punches.

  ‘You may know this, you may not,’ he told me. ‘But Mr Ryan does not accept that he perpetrated any sexual abuse against either you or your sister back in the early seventies. That is our starting point in relation to the defence case. You understand that?’

  ‘I understand,’ I said.

  He firstly questioned why, when I went to the police about the abuse from the foster parents, hadn’t I mentioned then that I had also been abused by Ryan?

  ‘I didn’t mention it because Laraine hadn’t mentioned it then and neither of us spoke about it,’ I told him. ‘We never spoke to each other about the abuse at all.’

  He seemed to be implying that I was distressed that I hadn’t been able to get justice for the foster parents, so therefore I had picked on Ryan.

  ‘Isn’t it right, Debbie, that what you needed and what you wanted really was a name so that you could get justice?’ said Mr Collings. ‘Would that be fair to say?’

  ‘In relation to the foster parents, yes, but Mr Ryan was nothing to do with that case,’ I said.

  ‘But isn’t that one of the reasons that you have come forward now at this late stage in relation to Mr Ryan, because it is your perception of getting justice for what happened to you?’

  ‘No,’ I told him. ‘Not at all.’

  ‘Because, of course, Mr Ryan is saying that you are lying about what happened and making it up.’

  ‘I’m not lying,’ I said. ‘Honestly, I’m not lying at all.’

  I tried not to let him get to me but I felt so angry I was shaking.

  ‘Why, if this was going on so extensively, as you say, and your younger sister was being abused as well, did you not tell your mother?’

  ‘She was ill all the time and I was scared that we would be taken away from her and put in a foster home again. She had enough to worry about.’

  ‘Can you remember were Social Services still involved with the family when you were in Coleraine Road?’ he asked. ‘Do you remember social workers coming round at all?’

  ‘I really honestly can’t remember,’ I said.

  ‘Were there teachers at school, anybody that you could have told about this?’

  ‘I didn’t trust anybody,’ I said. ‘I didn’t trust anybody after that, no.’

  ‘Debbie, you are saying that this abuse went on and you allowed your sister to go upstairs, yes? Did you never try to stop Laraine from going upstairs?’

  ‘Of course I did,’ I told him. ‘She kept going up there because Alison wanted her to go so that’s when I went with her.’

  ‘On how many occasions did that happen?’

  ‘Again, it was quite a few occasions. I can’t put a number on it.’

  ‘And you, yourself, of course, kept going back, yes?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘Yes, I did.’

  I felt like telling him where to go but I was determined not to lose my cool or show myself up in front of the jury.

  ‘You weren’t there and I was,’ I said. ‘Nothing you say is going to make me retract anything that I said in my statement because it’s all true.’

  I could feel the anger rising up inside me. It had always been my biggest fear that no one would believe us and now this man was trying to make out that I was a liar and had made it all up. I know he was only doing his job but there was no let up.

  ‘It didn’t happen, did it, that you played, as you say, with Alison?’

  ‘It did happen,’ I said. ‘I was there, I know. I know what I done, I know what happened.’

  ‘And this free range, as it were, of you children roaming around this house, playing with Alison whenever you wanted to. It simply didn’t happen, did it?’ said Mr Collings.

  ‘It did happen. I know what happened and I stand by it.’

  ‘And the reason, can I suggest to you, Debbie, in relation to your disclosure, really, as to what happened to you is this, that it simply isn’t true, is it?’

  ‘It is true,’ I said.

  ‘And for whatever reason, you have decided to support your sister in relation to the disclosure that she has given.’

  ‘No, that’s not the case at all.’

  ‘Because you, in fact, have decided, have you not, that the justice that you seek to get is going to be in relation to Mr Ryan?’

  ‘No, that’s not the case,’ I told him.

  He was trying to make out that I was so annoyed about not getting justice for the foster parents that I was backing up Laraine’s claims just so I could make someone pay.

  It was relentless but I was determined not to cry as I didn’t want Ryan to know that he could still get to me. I was more angry than upset.

  ‘Debbie, help me with this,’ said Mr Collings. ‘There is really no plausible explanation, if what you say is true, is there, as to why you and your sister kept going back to that flat?’

  ‘We went back because Alison kept asking us to go up. I went up there ’cos I didn’t want Laraine up there on her own with him.’

  ‘But you never chose to report it to anybody, did you?’

  ‘No, I didn’t at the time,’ I said.

  ‘It simply didn’t happen, did it, Debbie?’

  ‘It did happen,’ I said, desperate for the cross-examination to be over before I said something I would regret. ‘It did. It’s all true.’

  And thankfully, finally, it was.

  ‘Any more questions for Mrs Grafham, Mr Collings?’ asked Judge Tomlinson.

  ‘No, Your Honour,’ he said.

  ‘Mrs Grafham, that is the conclusion of your evidence and you are now free to leave court,’ the judge told me.

  It was such a relief stepping down from that witness box. My legs were like jelly as I walked across the court and I was still shaking.

  For once I was glad to be back in the safety of the witness room. Lorna was there and Mum had arrived as she was due to give evidence after me.

  ‘Are you OK?’ asked Lorna. ‘How did it go?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I told her.

  ‘Oh, Debbie, you look like a ghost,’ said Mum.

  ‘I’m exhausted,’ I said.

  ‘It’s no wonder,’ said Lorna. ‘You’ve been in there for nearly two hours.’

  I still couldn’t relax or sit still. I tried to make a cup of tea but my hands were shaking so much, I spilt it everywhere.

  ‘Sit down and take some deep breaths,’ Lorna told me.

  I was a bag of nerves. The court had broken for lunch and Rob came down to see me. He gave me a big hug.

  ‘Did I do OK?’ I said. ‘I can’t even remember what I said.’

  ‘You were amazing,’ he told me. ‘You held your own in there and you didn’t let him get to you.’

  ‘I
’m just worried that it’s not going to be enough,’ I said.

  I was a wreck. I was mentally and physically exhausted. I’d psyched myself up for this day for so long and now it was over, I was so relieved.

  Carol and Jo came down to see me.

  ‘You were absolutely brilliant in there, Debbie,’ said Carol. ‘I’m so proud of you.’

  ‘I think I’m in shock,’ I sighed.

  I was desperate for a cigarette but Carol didn’t think it was a good idea.

  ‘It’s best not to go out just yet as Ryan and his family will all be out there. Wait until they’ve gone.’

  Again, I felt like I was the prisoner, not him.

  I wasn’t allowed to bring my phone into court and when I checked it, I realised I’d got two missed calls and over fifteen texts from Laraine.

  ‘I’m just ringing to see how it’s going, Deb. I hope you are OK. I love you and I’m thinking of you.’

  Her texts all said the same thing.

  I knew I couldn’t speak to her. For a start there was hardly any signal in the witness room, and as well I was in such a daze that I couldn’t speak to anyone. I’d had so many questions fired at me that morning, I didn’t think that I could answer any more.

  After lunch Mum was due to give evidence. I wasn’t allowed to sit in court in case I was called back again.

  ‘You can go home now you know, Debbie,’ Carol told me. ‘You don’t have to be here now you’ve given your evidence.’

  ‘There’s no way I’m going anywhere,’ I said.

  Even if it meant sitting in that witness room for hours on end, I was determined I was going to be there every single day that court was sitting.

  Mum was back in fifteen minutes.

  Next up was Wendy, who was now Ryan’s wife, and then Michael and Shayne’s dad. I didn’t know why they had been called. I knew Rob didn’t want to discuss things in great detail with me as he was terrified about jeopardising the case.

  ‘How do you think it’s going?’ I said. ‘Do you think the jury believes us?’

  ‘It’s so hard to call it,’ said Rob. ‘Nothing’s certain.’

  I knew he didn’t want to get my hopes up. It was a relief when court finally finished for the day. Rob and I waited in the witness room for half an hour for Ryan and his family to leave the court. When we thought the coast was clear, we headed up to the Tesco’s, where Rob’s dad was waiting.