He got up and went into his closet. A line of navy suits, mainly the only color he wore. Starched white shirts. A series of red ties. When did he start dressing so much his age? He’d developed the wardrobe of a politician.
Downstairs the front door opened and he heard his boys rush into the house. He heard Penny say to them, “Wash your hands first. Both of you. You’re not getting any unless you wash your hands.”
He stood in his closet and flipped through his shirts. In the very back of the closet, he found a black dress shirt that he had bought and never worn. Penny had urged him to get it. It was too young and trendy. He took off what he was wearing and put on the black shirt, buttoned it in the mirror. Tucked it into his chinos. Nothing but red ties. He tried two, a maroon and a lipstick red. The maroon worked, and he tied that one on. He didn’t look like himself at all; he looked hip. The shirt fit him well. He had lost weight in Vietnam.
He descended the stairs, and his family didn’t hear him at first, but once he reached the front hallway they quieted.
“Is someone here?” Penny said.
“Is it Daddy?” said Toby.
“Yes, it’s Daddy,” he called into the kitchen.
The kids came running into the hallway, Lee with a chicken bone in his hand, Toby following. They had gotten takeout, a box of fried chicken.
“Don’t run with your mouth full,” their mother said.
He got low to the ground and met them at eye level. They were all hugs and kissed him with greasy mouths. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen with her arms crossed.
“Why didn’t you call?” she asked. “We had no idea you were coming home.”
Eastman released the boys.
“What was Vietnam like?” Lee said.
“Yeah, what was the war like?” asked Toby.
“What?” he said to her, avoiding her question. Then to them, “I’ll tell you all about it after you finish eating. I brought you some things from the war, men.”
They celebrated and ran back into the kitchen past their mother.
“You could have called,” she said. “We could have picked you up. They were worried about you.”
“It was nothing. I went through hell getting back to New York. I didn’t have a moment to call. And I didn’t want to bother you. I couldn’t ask you to drop everything to pick me up.”
“Why are you dressed like that?” she said.
“I thought we could go to dinner. We have a lot to talk about.”
“We bought chicken.”
“Let them eat it. Let’s go get Italian. I’ve eaten nothing but Oriental food. Pig parts, beef parts. It wasn’t bad, but God I’d love something familiar.”
“We shouldn’t leave them,” she said.
“Leave them, Lee’s old enough to stay home alone.”
“They miss you and want to see you.”
“I’ll see them when we get back. An hour. Let’s go, it’s still early.”
They didn’t touch, or hug, not a welcome kiss on the cheek. She didn’t give him any sign that she was glad to see him back in one piece. Had she forgotten? Or were they past all the affectionate gestures of a loving couple?
He entered the kitchen to see the boys in their seats, hovering around a big striped bucket of fried chicken. “You’ll be all right, won’t you boys, if you let me take your mother for dinner? Aren’t you old enough by now to watch over the house?”
Toby looked at his older brother for guidance.
“Of course we are!” Lee said. “We’ll watch the house, Ma.”
“I don’t want to leave them while they’re eating, they could choke on a chicken bone.”
“They know what to do. Don’t eat too fast,” he said.
“We won’t,” said Lee.
Penny wouldn’t budge, so he compromised and waited till the boys were done with dinner. They were too excited to eat much anyway and finished up quickly. She wrapped the rest of the chicken and put it high up in the refrigerator, out of their reach.
Together, Penny and Eastman walked to a neighborhood restaurant, a popular Italian place close to home. They rarely visited this restaurant, with its red-and-white tablecloths and checkered flooring. When they entered they found it was busy for a Sunday, but they were able to get seated right away, a table in the back near the kitchen. Eastman faced the kitchen, not wanting to see any of the other customers. All he could see was the kitchen door swinging in and out, waiters coming and going, too busy to pay attention to him if he was to get emotional.
It seemed neither of them had an appetite for anything memorable. She wanted simple, quick, get back to the boys. He wanted to persuade her to slow down, to talk to him. If they didn’t have many more nights left together he wanted more out of this one. She munched on a breadstick and he didn’t notice anything charming about her now. Had she worked it all out already? The end of their marriage? And when would she present him with her plan if not now?
Drinks came. They ordered. No discussion.
“Okay, how about we cut the shit?” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean. This act, let’s get over it. If not over it, then around it. We have too much to talk about tonight.”
“Will you be staying?”
“That’s what you want to know? The sleeping arrangements? Why, are you that committed to him already? Don’t bother answering that. I don’t want to fight with you. But we have our children, and our things, and I need to know what’s happening here and how we are going to go about it. You’ve thought about this, I take it?”
Penny looked away from him and held her face in profile. She was about to cry, and she was holding it back. He’d pushed her to emotion, forced her to think about splitting up the family.
“You thought about what you want?” he asked. “Where you want the boys to live? How you want to bring them up? Have you thought about that?”
She faced him. “I’m sorry, Alan. I don’t know what I’ve done to you. It’s not like me. I can’t see how you could ever take me back.”
“Are you asking to come back?” he said. “Because I want that. I haven’t considered us fully apart. This is a break, that’s all it has to be. I can forget it. It’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. I met someone else. Why won’t you take me seriously? That’s all I ask is for you to take me seriously.”
“You’re repeating yourself.”
“I’m sorry?”
“Next you’re going to tell me about the happiness that you can no longer find with us and that’s why you’ve fallen in love with blah, blah, blah. Listen, do you love him?”
Penny hesitated and wiped her swollen eyes. “I don’t know,” she said.
“Yet you placed everything you have in danger, and you don’t know. You don’t know? Don’t spare my feelings. You do or you don’t. If you do love him you have to admit it to me, yourself, and your children. And you should go over to his apartment and tell him that you’re moving in, you love him. You should be together. But Penny, you’re not taking my boys. You’re not taking my boys into someone else’s home. If you want to leave, then you leave everything.”
“That’s not the way this works, Alan.”
“It’s not? Are you a lawyer? Have you consulted a divorce attorney? I’ve been through one of these, Penny. If you can prove you’re not having an affair then you may get joint custody. If you can’t, you get nothing. But you’ll have your happiness, won’t you?” He was going to get angrier if he didn’t stop himself. He was going to make her pay in this moment, and that would diminish his chances of resolving anything. When he was on the verge of losing his temper, it was very hard for him to back away from the edge of the cliff; he simply wanted to push off into the air and plummet.
She wasn’t answering him anymore.
�
��You’ll have your happiness, I know how important that is to you.”
“Don’t patronize me.”
“What? You need to be happy. If I can’t do it, you must find someone else who can. Because it has nothing to do with you, happiness. It all comes with the person you’re fucking. That’s where you’ll find true happiness.”
“Fuck you, Alan.”
“Happiness is a warm phallus. I’ve always thought so.”
“Lower your voice.”
He was smiling, hiding any sense of pain with bad humor and a phony smirk.
“Anyway, my work is going rather well. The Herald ran a long piece I wrote. I don’t know if you’ve seen it. Do you remember Baxter Broadwater? He was a figure from my first marriage. Anyway, Broadwater is the one who sent me to Saigon, paid me loads of cash. Then there’s the book I’m going to expand it into. Lazlo’s getting behind it. He’s gonna pay out more of the advance. Things are going really well for me, Penny.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
“I mean . . .” he formed his right hand into a rocket taking off, shooting into space in slow motion . . . “Pshhhhhhhhhhhh!”
“Alan.”
“Pshhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Alan,” she said more forcefully, wanting him to stop.
“Pshhhhhhhhhhhh.” His hand was still in the air. “This is a rocket, Penny. A rocket going into space. Pshhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“Stop acting like a child. The food’s coming.”
He still had his hand fully extended into the air, demonstrating the rocket she was not going to be on. The food arrived, and when the waiter put his plate of pasta in front of him he cut it out.
“Let’s eat,” he said.
• • •
They walked home side by side. He found each moment he was spending with her more and more insignificant. He felt her disinterest in him, like she was seeing an old friend she didn’t care much for. It was cruel, her behavior, but he understood clearly what she was doing. She was preparing herself for the ultimate good-bye. And her nonchalance was getting to him. Not in the way that made him feel he needed to act out. He had given her enough of that at the restaurant, provided some nice fodder for her and her lover. Eastman, the idiot husband. His behavior only justified her choices. He was handing her to his phantom, wasn’t he?
They went home and she immediately went into the kitchen and cleaned up after the boys. He called Toby and Lee into his study to give them the presents he had brought back from Asia. He could sense Lee, the oldest, was keeping up appearances. Lee was good at pretending, like his mother. Toby couldn’t ignore the sadness in the house. The lonely sound of his mother doing dishes and Eastman’s tiring smile as he fed them their presents. He put his hand on Toby’s shoulder and gave the boy a kiss on the top of his head.
They turned in early that evening. Toby, Lee, Penny. He felt out of place in his own life. He wasn’t a part of their summer routine and trying to fall into it was taxing. Every time he tried to get near her, she managed to be in another room, occupied with something. Either searching through her bags for something or tidying up. When he went to tuck the boys in, he heard her in the bathroom washing her face. He caught up with her while she was brushing her teeth. He stood next to her and took his toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet, squeezed the toothpaste on the worn bristles, placed it under the running faucet, and began to brush next to her. She had no alternative but to see him in the mirror. She managed to remain expressionless during the whole task. She spit into the sink and returned her brush to the cabinet. He spit his toothpaste out immediately. As she was drying her mouth on a hand towel he reached out and touched her shoulder. She tore it away and left him for the bedroom.
This is what she wanted to put him through. To show him examples of how everything was now different. As they prepared for bed, he asked, “Can I stay in here tonight?”
“Do what you want,” she said.
“I’d like to if you’re comfortable with it.”
“I’m tired, I can’t think right now.”
It was a warm night and the window was open; no breeze. Normally she would have slept without clothing, but she was still making her point. Penny took off her blouse. Underneath, a beige bra. She took that off, too, resting it on top of the hamper. As she did this she covered herself, held her arm across her breasts, not allowing him to see her. She got the nightgown out of the closet and put it on. Only then did she take off her skirt, beneath the cover of the nightgown.
He, however, would not partake. The night was too hot. He took off all of his clothes, his tie, the black shirt, his pants then underwear, and stood naked before her. She averted her eyes as she got into bed and went under the sheet. He walked around the room for a while, pretending to look for something. A book, perhaps. He went out into the hall to find something to read. In the bathroom was a copy of Fear of Flying. He didn’t care what it was, he only needed a prop, an excuse to stay up. He got into bed; she had already turned off her bedside lamp. It couldn’t have been past nine o’clock and already she was trying to put herself to sleep. Was it that painful being with him tonight?
In bed, he said, “You must be tired.”
“I am.”
“Awfully early.”
“I’m exhausted.”
“Me, I’m jet-lagged. I think I’ll read.”
He let her be for a minute. “Have you read this?”
“Alan.”
“I found it in the bathroom.”
She turned to look at the novel.
“I thought that was yours,” she said.
“Maybe it’s Helen’s. She must have left it here. She was a great help with the boys before I left for Saigon.”
Penny didn’t respond. She lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. It occurred to him that she hadn’t inquired about Vietnam, whether it was safe, if he’d accomplished what he went there to do. They had had so many conversations about the war, the draft, Johnson, Nixon, Kissinger, the war had stretched out through their entire marriage. And now that he’d gone and seen it she didn’t ask. Nothing that involved him interested her.
He tried to read next to her but it was impossible to concentrate. So he put the book down and clicked off his lamp. He lay down on his side facing her. She was awake with her eyes closed. He put his hand on her shoulder. This had worked once before. When she came back from her lost month in London, just before they were married, they lay in bed and he had touched her like this. She confessed to him much later that when she felt his touch she had melted in his hands. Those were good years. He tried to reach for that same power now, not because he wanted to seduce her (though he wasn’t against it), but to test himself. He moved his hand over her chest, slipped it under her nightgown and over her breast, just as he had done all those years ago. He’d once been allowed to touch her. Now it felt wrong. Penny put an end to it by turning over to face him. She looked as if she were going to speak, to explain what was bothering her about the two of them. He waited. Then waited for a good two or three minutes more, his eyes open and tearing, desperate to blink. She continued to look at him until he realized there was nothing that would come next.
22.
It didn’t come to him immediately. He lay next to her, pretending to sleep, aware of a new kind of rejection, his mind working through all the possible outcomes. And once he exhausted his mind, he drifted off.
But as suddenly as he was asleep he was awake again. He thought it was his snoring. He loudly woke himself sometimes. It was Penny shaking him, and he was jolted awake mid-snort. She was in tears.
“Alan, wake up.”
“What happened?”
She looked at him, terrified. “Alan, what have I done? I’ve messed up and I can’t apologize. I can’t apologize for what I’ve done.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s too horrible. And I
’ve been struggling for so long.”
“So have I, Penny.”
“No, I’ve been struggling longer because I was thinking about leaving you for months. I was terrified about what would happen. I couldn’t talk to you, and I’m not blaming you again. I didn’t want to talk to you. I did it on purpose.”
“You can tell me anything, you know that.”
“No, no, no.”
“When were you thinking about leaving me?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “December, last year.”
“When? Christmas?”
“I don’t know. I told you, I don’t know. It was after Christmas. You were so inconsiderate. Wrapped up in your own little world. Always complaining. I convinced myself that this was the only way to be happy. It’s too horrible to even think about now.”
“It’s okay, Penny.”
“No, it’s not. It’s awful. How can you ever take me back? I can’t even bring myself to apologize.”
He sat up and held her tight and allowed her to cry on his shoulder. The feel of her against his skin, after all this time, was familiar and warm. She looked up at him and came closer. Her face was wet and she kissed him apologetically. She may not have said she was sorry but he knew she was.
After a few brief kisses, he rested her on her back and they simply resumed their respective places on the mattress. He turned over on his side and the bed squeaked.
“We should get a new mattress,” he said reflexively.
“Let’s buy one this week,” she said. “Maybe we should replace the whole bed.”
He opened his eyes wide. A jolt of happiness overtook him and it was some time before he could fall asleep again.
In the morning, Penny was up before him, already downstairs making the boys breakfast. He sat up in bed, looked around the room, saw her suitcases were still on the floor with clothes pouring out of them. Blouses and other tops he recognized. He might have hoped she would have put her things away in the closet. But one thing at a time, he thought.
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