by Amy Field
She balled her hands into fists. Before she started biting her nails- before the kidnapping that was - she would have cut the skin of her palms with how tight she pushed her nails into her skin. Now, she only managed to form white half-moon shapes that faded away after a few moments. She wasn’t angry; she could not be angry with him. He was only acting how he had learned to act. No one had ever taught or showed him how to act any differently. But she was angry.
She said, “I don’t know what you’re supposed to say. Aren’t you going to be furious with me? You’re not going to tell me that I’m a stupid whore to get myself knocked up like that? That’s how it goes, doesn’t it? No matter what happened, it’s my fault.”
“Girl, you crazy. Watch you on about, saying it’s your fault? Like it’s your fault that some guy couldn’t keep his pants on at the right time. He didn’t even use a condom I bet. Just told you some sweet words to make you believe that he loved you. Turned it was all lies, am I right? Ain’t no way you’d be here talking me up like this if the man who made you pregnant cared about you. No way that would happen.”
She thought back to the man who had made her pregnant. That man was in Omaha by now, she thought. His name had been Raymond Astorte. She did not want to think about him. She associated him with the kidnapping. He had liked to put his hand over her mouth.
She said, “I was stupid. This guy, he didn’t seem right to me. But he said all the right things. It seemed like he honestly wanted to spend some time with me. Like he truly cared. All those honeyed words that he spoke was just a trap to entice me into doing what he wanted. He wanted me to take my pants off. He didn’t like condoms. He said that a few times. He did like trying to make me suffocate. At first, I put up with it. I loved him very much. It wasn’t such a bad thing. He didn’t do it to be malicious. It was just his fetish.”
His eyebrows shot up. He said, “He did that? Put a bag over your head?”
“No, he just pinched my nose shut and put a hand over my mouth. Sometimes he liked to blindfold me while he did that. He always wore a watch on the wrist of his left arm. He would always look at that watch to see the seconds passing. He wanted to figure out how long I could go without air. It got to be that I was counting with him. I got up to forty-five seconds one time before I had pulled my face away. He was… it was…”
She closed her eyes, not wanting to thin or talk about it any longer. The memories were painful to recall. He had not only suffocated her. Now and then, if he couldn’t get what he wanted out of it, he would strike her across the face. That did it for him every time. She had tried not to focus on those few times. She had wanted to convince herself that they were isolated incidents. She had never quite managed it.
He said, “It’s okay. You can tell me. Hey, it's all right.”
It took an effort of will for her to avoid bursting into tears then. She did not want to cry in front of him. She did not care about crying in public. She had found crying to be therapeutic. She cried when she was happy and when she was sad with equal measure. She always felt better afterward. She suspected that, if she cried in front of him now, he would decide that he had better things to do with his time. That was the one result that she dreaded above all others.
She said, “It’s not okay. But, it’s over. I kicked him out of my house. I just couldn’t handle him. He was too rough. He didn’t want to take no for an answer. That was the one thing I never liked about him. He never had enough respect for me to listen to what I had to say. To him, I was just a bunch of sex organs with a life support system attached.”
Nathaniel laughed. “That’s a good one. Sex organs with a life support system. I like that. Some women I knew in my life, they were like that too.”
“Why are people like that? Why can’t people just be nice to each other? I don’t get it. Doesn’t it seem like everyone is making each other miserable in this world?”
“You done hit the head right on the nail, girl. Ain’t nobody is nice to anybody else except they looking to get somethin' out of it. If they ain’t nothin' to be had, then they’ll just do whatever they want. We all just floatin' out here all accidental-like, hurtin' each other while we go. Not many people know this. They just know about the minute everyday bullshit that’s in their lives. They know about appointments and trips to the fast food joint for five-piece chicken nuggets. They don’t know about the seventy-five-year-old man who’s out there sleeping on a park bench because his family abandoned him. They don’t know about the single mother with two kids who is pulling her hair out trying to make ends meet. Nobody knows about those things. If we did, we’d be a lot kinder to one another. But we don’t, so we ain’t.”
Laura unclenched her fists. She took deep breaths to force her mind away from the man who had almost ruined her life- a second time. She said, “You don’t know how right you are.”
“Yeah, I don’t? You got something else you wanna say?”
A single tear escaped from her eye. It trickled down the side of her cheek. She said, “I’m not whole. I guess.”
“Now what the pink blazes does that mean?”
She put her feet flat on one of the chair’s rungs. She had to steady herself before she spoke, or else she would lose her balance- mentally and physically. She said, “I haven’t been myself for years. I was kidnapped. It was horrible. I was in this place for three days and…”
She stopped, unable to say anything more. She did not want to relive any of those days in her mind. There was nothing but pain there. She had never learned how to decrease the pain, nor even how to live with it. For her, it was still a festering scab that throbbed throughout her whole life until she found herself at the mercy of any new circumstance she did not expect. It was not a good way to live, as far as she was concerned.
He said the only three words that could help her then. She had heard everyone try to comfort her. She lost track of how many people told her that it would be all right. On the contrary, it was never all right. Things would never be fine. She had gone through more days than she could count after the kidnapping during which she had just wanted all the negative feelings and traumatic memories just to disappear. They never did, not completely. At best, they faded into the background where she did not have to pay close attention to them. That was all she had ever hoped for. It was all she had ever managed.
He said, “It’s over now.”
She got down out of her seat. Nathaniel did the same. She rushed into his arms at once. He wrapped his arms around her in a warm embrace. She pressed her head against his chest, letting the tears fall out of her eyes. She lost track of where she was and what she was doing. She might have cried for a minute or a half hour. She had no sense of time while she let all the negative feelings out of her body. The experience was cathartic for her. She had never told anyone other than her therapists how she truly felt about the situation. Her mother only ever had harsh, critical words for her. Her father had always told her that she had brought it on herself. She never liked to hear either of her parents talk about her life as if they knew intimately the details of what had happened to her. They knew nothing; still they managed to have express their own opinions. She had stopped talking to them when she had figured out that they would never have anything good to say at all. They were the sorts of people who could look up into the sky, see the sun, and complain about how much it hurt their eyes.
When she pulled her face away from his chest, she found that she felt considerably better. It was as though she unloaded all her troubles. She felt refreshed in a way that she hadn’t felt for years. She looked up into his eyes. No trace of his stolid mask remained. His face was composed entirely of soft contours and gentleness. The faintest trace of moisture lay in his eyes. He was on the point of crying himself. That made up for everything she had gone through. Just to see one person concerned for her welfare was extraordinary. For her, it was almost a miracle.
She said, “Thank you. I needed that.”
He said, “You alright now? You need
to cry more?”
She wiped the moisture off her cheeks and away from her eyes, then got up, a little embarrassed. She sniffled, and then said, “No, that’s all right. Do you want to go somewhere? Besides here, I mean?”
He looked around for a clock. When he found none, he asked, “What time is it?”
She pulled out her phone, then discovered she had been crying for about ten minutes. She didn’t know how it was that no one from the staff had come to separate them. She said, “3:07 in the afternoon.”
He said, “Two hours to supper. Where do you want to go?”
“I know this movie theater down the street. They make the most delicious strawberry smoothies. Do you like those?”
He smiled at her, and then said, “Man, strawberries. That’s my jawn right there. They got some good movies playing there too?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t been there for a while. Why don’t we go and see?”
“Yeah, let’s go. Sounds good to me.”
He grabbed her hand with his own. She found that she did not mind. His hand was twice as large as hers. His fingers were wide and big. His hand engulfed hers. She pressed her fingertips into his skin. She led him down the terrace and past the blonde woman. She still had the same book in front of her face; it seemed to Laura that the woman had not read a single page of the book. The woman smiled up at Laura. She allowed herself to smile back. It felt strange to her, smiling naturally like that. She wasn’t used to it. She hoped that eventually, she would be.
They descended one set of steps, and then another. They passed through the reading area then arrived in front of the cashier’s desk. One of the women behind the desk recognized her. The woman said, “Laura! Good afternoon! I didn’t see you there. Would you like a hot chocolate?”
Laura paused to give it some thought. She said, “No, I think I’ll pass this time.”
“Oh, are you sure? Do you need anything else?”
Then Laura found herself uttering a phrase that she never thought she would speak.
“I’m all right," she said.
Laura led Nathaniel out the front door. The air outside was cold though the sun shone in a clear sky. The faintest hint of warmth floated through the air. The snow of the past few days had begun to melt, leaving puddles of water everywhere. Passing cars splashed some of it onto the high piles of snow that had been stacked up in the street’s parking spaces.
Nathaniel said, “Lookit that, it’s getting warm again. Goes to show you never can tell, can you?”
“No, I suppose you never can,” Laura murmured.
She continued walking, hand-in-hand with Nathaniel towards the local movie theater. She treated him to two smoothies and a large bag of popcorn that cost as much as a full meal itself. She didn’t even know what movie it was they saw. People passed back and forth across the movie screen. Some people said a few words now and then. She was oblivious to all of it. She only knew that Nathaniel’s large hand was still clasped in her hand. They hadn't let go since the bookshop. That was all she needed, for it was far more than she ever dared to dream.
At some point in the middle of the movie, he whispered, “You okay?”
She nodded. A giddy sense of happiness flowed through her. She could only think about how good she felt. Compared to how she had been before, she found herself grateful to him. Even if their date never went anywhere else, even if they moved on from one another after a single day of speaking, he had changed her life for the better. She did not think she would ever be able to forget him for that reason.
She said, “I’m better than I’ve ever been.”
He grabbed a handful of popcorn and put some in his mouth. A group of yellow crumbs fell on his lap. He said, “That’s good. That’s real good.”
She leaned her head over to his shoulder while the move continued. She thought to herself, yes it is. Excellent indeed.
THE END
Regency Romances
Book I
The Passion Of A Gentleman
Chapter One
Pelham House
October 1803
Arielle Seabourn wandered through the cavernous, silent halls of Pelham House. Since moving with her sister and her sister’s new husband to the great house over the summer, it had yet to feel like home to her. Her sister, the new Lady Pendleton, had married James Pendleton, Baron of Pelham, the brother to the Earl of Winchester, who owned the vast estate. They were in the process of looking for their own estate now that they were married, but in the meantime, Pelham House had more than enough room for the earl, Lord and Lady Pendleton, and Arielle, as well.
Arielle bit her lip as she gazed at the heavy, ornate tapestries hanging on the walls. This house was much too dark in her opinion. It was nothing like Havenwood Manor, her home in Northumberland. Havenwood Manor was significantly smaller than Pelham House, but with numerous windows, extensive natural light, and bouquets of fresh flowers from the hothouse year round, her previous home was much more inviting than the castle-like stone and heavy drapes of the Earl of Winchester’s ancestral palace.
The estate was especially quiet since her sister, Melanie, and her husband were away visiting Lord Pendleton’s good friends in Surrey. Arielle had stayed behind, assuring the newlyweds that she would stay most occupied with Pelham’s extensive library and her daily rides on her mare, Tessie. She also liked to tromp about the woods bordering Pelham’s property, but Melanie disdained her hikes and explorations, deeming them “most unladylike,” so she kept that part of her itinerary to herself.
“Miss Seabourn?”
Arielle nearly collided with the earl himself, so lost in her thoughts she hadn’t noticed his appearance in the hall. He reached out an arm to steady her, and she quickly stepped back, righting herself before she fell. Once she had her footing, she dipped a curtsey.
“My lord, excuse me. I did not see you approach.”
He eyed her warily. “What purpose do you have outside my study door?”
Her brow furrowed. “I was on my way to the library to select a book. The weather is rather nice today, so I believe I shall go for a walk and settle beneath a tree for a spell.”
“The wind is crisp. We do not want you taking cold. Who is here to care for you?”
“I do apologize for any inconvenience my presence may cause you,” she replied, barely keeping her temper in check. Why did he have to be so insufferable?
He waved a hand, dismissing the matter. “Your presence bothers me not. I only mention my concern at the lack of a fitting chaperone. With James and your sister away in Surrey, only the servants are present to keep your reputation intact as you are sharing a home with a renowned bachelor.”
“I suppose they shall do well enough, seeing as Pelham House could easily hold an entire village within its vast walls,” Arielle said with an impertinent shrug. “If you’ll excuse me now, I am away to attend to my affairs.” She offered the slightest of curtseys and rushed passed him, not waiting for him to dismiss her. Feeling the earl’s glare on her back, she continued onward. Though he possessed the power to boot her from the house and into the street, she’d quickly realized that he was much more bark than bite, and was mostly harmless.
She burst from the house and into the stables, finding solace in the familiar scent of hay and horse. Her mare, Tessie whinnied happily at the sight of her mistress. Arielle had slipped an apple from the kitchen and now held out her offering for Tessie to approve.
“There you go, girl,” Arielle soothed as Tessie took the apple into her mouth, chewing it heartily.
“So this is where you disappear to nearly every morning?”
Wes’ distinctly male and disapproving voice interrupted her peaceful morning routine. She looked from Tessie to see him standing in the middle of the stables, his hands on his hips and a scowl on his face.
She sighed. Is he going to follow her around everywhere?
“Surely, sir, you have pressing matters far more important than mapping out the day’s routi
ne of a humble girl most gracious to find lodging beneath your roof,” she snidely remarked.
He stood there, aghast. “Why, I’ve never met such an impertinent—“
“Yes, yes, I know, milord. We established quite some time ago that I am the most impertinent, outrageous, unladylike lady that you have ever had the privilege of meeting,” she quipped, not interested in the continuing on with the tired conversation.
“Townes!” Wes called.
“Yes, milord?” The head of the stables appeared from nowhere.
“Saddle my horse. I’m accompanying Miss Seabourn on her ride today,” he instructed the man, his eyes never leaving Arielle’s. She narrowed her gaze at him.
“Why, sir,” she sank into an exaggerated curtsey, “there is nothing I wish for more than the pleasure of your company on my morning ride,” she lied sweetly. He knew that she was lying.
“And I wish for nothing more than to be in the presence of your delightful company,” he replied, lying in turn.
Arielle swiftly turned from him then, before he noticed the heat climbing up her neck and spreading to her face. The man was insufferable, and she did not want to give him the pleasure of seeing how angry he could make her. The last thing he wanted to do was ride out with her, yet he was doing so only to get beneath her skin. For what reasons, she could not determine. Perhaps, he was still upset about her sister marrying his brother instead of him. But matters of the heart such as that, how could they be helped?
She waited patiently for Tessie to be saddled and readied for her ride, swinging gracefully from the mounting block in her peacock blue riding habit as Tessie stood mostly still, anticipating the fast, vigorous ride the two of them liked to share. Arielle cared not if the surly earl kept pace or not with her once they left the stables.
As soon as she was seated, she kicked in her heels and shot from the stable yard, darting through the paddocks and out into the expansive pasture lands to the east of the estate. Tessie ran fast and free as they shot through the tall grass. The pastures were framed with forests alive with the colors of autumn. Blazing crimson, fiery oranges, and golden yellow leaves fringed the trees, and Arielle sucked in her breath at the beauty of it.