by Todd Glass
MR. ROGERS
As I get older and start to become aware of issues that I’m passionate about, I realize that these were things you were battling forty years ago. Every time I read something you said it makes me melt. I understand why people say that when they met you they were reminded of how good we can be as a species. I hope you’re happy wherever you are. Thank you.
PHIL DONAHUE
When I was growing up, there were a lot of hot-button issues bubbling up for debate; racism, sexism, and homophobia were much more present in American society. Phil Donahue was the first adult I saw on TV discussing these issues in a manner that resonated with me. It was fun to watch the way he would talk to an audience of often intelligent but confused people, disarming their ignorant arguments without screaming or insulting them. The way he used questions to let people talk themselves out of certain opinions was absolutely brilliant. To me, Phil Donahue was a voice for anything that was different, but not wrong. He stood up for the disenfranchised when no one else did. I loved watching that show and if I ever meet him I’m going to give him a huge hug. Thank you, Phil, for helping me breathe more easily.
DR. DREW AND DR. PHIL
I find it admirable whenever somebody gives a voice to someone who doesn’t have one—especially when those someones are children. Sometimes I’ll watch your shows and see kids who, to the outer world, might seem angry and in need of discipline. The two of you always seem willing to dig a little deeper to find the source of the anger, linking it to hurt, sadness, or just not being heard. It’s inspirational enough to make me break down and cry. I know there are other people out there doing the work you do, and I’m sure you would agree that we owe thanks to them, but I’m sending them your way (as well as to Dr. Phil’s wife, Robin) because you’re the ones I watch on my television every day.
DR. EBERT
Thank you, thank you, thank you. You’re a good man, and my family is lucky to have you. If you live near Bala Cynwyd, Pennsylvania, and you need a good therapist, find him.
MARK AND WALT
You are special to me. Now you know. Thank you.
DANIEL GREENBERG
What can I say? None of this would have happened if it wasn’t for you. Thank you. The end.
EVERYONE AT SIMON & SCHUSTER
I remember being very nervous about our meeting. I held on to this secret for so many years and now I had to walk into a roomful of strangers and talk about it? When you asked me if the book was autobiographical, I almost lied and said it was about a friend of mine. I was sweating so much someone actually had to go into another room and get a fan. But by the end of the meeting, I was completely dry. You guys could not have been easier to talk to. I remember telling my manager afterward that I really wanted you guys to tell my story. I was so happy that it worked out that way. That you also published George Carlin’s autobiography is the cool icing on the cake. An extra-special thank you to Sarah Knight, who may have inherited the project but from the start treated us as one of her own. Thank you.
DANIEL KINNO
We laugh at the same stuff. Get upset at the same stuff. Get emotional at the same stuff. Cherish the same stuff. We were already great friends when, about a year ago, we started this book. It was overwhelming to me. I couldn’t even imagine where to start. Getting me where I had to be took a lot of talking, a lot of patience, and a lot of nurturing. I don’t know how I could have done this without you. This journey has brought us even closer—you certainly know more about the details of my life than anybody I know. I really value your friendship. Thank you for helping this all to happen.
JONATHAN GROTENSTEIN
Even though this book tells my story the way I wanted it and it is in my voice on every single page, it took a lot of effort on your part to get it out of me and put it on paper. When you’re a guy who’s never read a book and barely graduated from high school (and by “barely” I mean “didn’t”), “writing” means baring your soul to a complete stranger. Luckily, we didn’t stay strangers for long. You’re smart, funny, and easy to talk to, which made our time together not only productive but very enjoyable. Thank you for all your hard work.
* * *
* This page is brought to you by . . . The Bitter Buddha. (A great documentary about Eddie Pepitone, directed by Steven Feinartz.) Eddie, instead of thanking you, how about I give your documentary a plug?
WHERE ARE THEY NOW?
While writing this book, I really enjoyed reliving some of the fun moments of my childhood, especially as I talked to the people from back then who were most important to me. There were some people, however, who I would have loved to talk to but didn’t know how to contact. So here are some of their names. My hope is that someone reading this might know them and can help me to reach out. Thanks!
Tom and Ileen Scott (From Philadelphia—last I heard they moved to Atlantic City in 1971.)
Nick and Francis D’Arco (They lived across on Joan Drive in Southampton in 1975. Daughter Meg was a nurse.)
Mrs. Zigler (My second-grade teacher at Davis Elementary School, 1972.)
Mrs. Biazzi (Teacher in the Resource Room at Davis Elementary School, 1972.)
Mr. Macolroy (Conestoga High School, 1982.)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
TODD GLASS has been a professional stand-up comedian since he was sixteen. He could drop a bunch of names and list a bunch of credits, but how funny would that be? This is his first book.
WWW.TODDGLASS.COM
@toddglass
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authors.simonandschuster.com/Todd-Glass
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Copyright © 2014 by Todd Glass, Inc.
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Simon & Schuster Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.
First Simon & Schuster hardcover edition June 2014
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Interior design by Ruth Lee-Mui
Jacket design by Michael Accordino
Jacket photography by Robert Sebree
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Glass, Todd.
The Todd Glass situation : a bunch of lies about my personal life and a bunch of true stories about my 30-year career in stand-up comedy / Todd Glass with Jonathan Grotenstein.
pages cm
1. Glass, Todd. 2. Comedians—United States—Biography. I. Grotenstein, Jonathan. II. Title.
PN2287.G5535A3 2014
792.7'6028092—dc23
2013042084
ISBN 978-1-4767-1441-7
ISBN 978-1-4767-1450-9 (ebook)