by Mia Caldwell
“What good news?”
“Julio and Lissa decided to come back early. I thought you knew, I figured that’s why you called.”
“I didn’t know, but that’s great news.” Joan meant what she said - she wanted to press Julio for news about Antonio. The sooner they returned, the better.
“When are they leaving the islands?”
“Oh, they already left. In fact, I expect they’ll be showing up at your place sometime tonight.”
After hanging up with Abby Joan hurried to notify the rest of the household of Julio and Lissa’s imminent arrival. Mamacita was back from Barcelona and she supervised as a feast was prepared with Joan’s help.
When all the food preparation was completed, Joan helped Susan bathe the boys and put them down for a nap before retiring to her room to try and relax before sprucing herself up.
Her stomach was a rumble of butterflies, her thoughts never quite letting go of the fear she had that something bad might have happened to Antonio. Another thought, one that she tried not to face, made her stomach twist into a painful knot.
What if Antonio had just run? Run away from his problems, away from her? What if he never intended to come back for her?
She was so tense that the idea of a drink flashed in her mind again. She thought of the wine cellar and wondered if the wine was any good.
“No!” She told herself.
It was Antonio. Every time she got caught up in her passions for him bad things happened.
She’d make sure that he was alive, hopefully after talking to Julio later that night ask him away from Lissa, and then, she’d make plans to leave Europe. She’d join her mother in New York and find whatever kind of job she could. Hopefully something that would keep her too busy to think about Antonio in some career that wouldn’t put her back with the kind of people who dealt with their emotions and feelings by masking them with drugs and alcohol.
Maybe she’d go back to school? She could study design or architecture.
With that thought keeping lifting her spirits Joan tried not to think about how hard it would be to leave the triplets, or how long it might be before she had the courage to return to Europe to visit them.
Shouts of glee from downstairs and the honking of horns alerted Joan that the honeymooners were finally home.
There was a great celebration in the house and Joan put on her best happy face, greeting Julio and Lissa as they returned to Spain as a married couple.
Lissa rushed to the playroom to see her three boys and Joan’s heart swelled as she saw how happy the boys were to see their parents.
Hunter, Ryland, and Marco looked so adorable, freshly bathed and in their matching outfits.
Miss Susan had the video camera running the whole time.
They eventually settled the boys back into the playpen near the kitchen and everyone gathered around the table to enjoy the lamb stew with hot oven bread and a cold bean salad.
Julio and Lissa talked excitedly about the honeymoon in between asking for stories about every new thing any of the triplets had done while they were away.
Miss Susan, who wanted to be called Susy by the adults, joined them at the table and was like one of the family. Joan had been getting along well with her, but she hadn’t shared anything of a personal nature with her so it surprised her when Suzy asked Julio her next question.
“Mr. Torres? I read in the newspapers that Antonio Ferraro was staying here, and that that man who got killed on your property was coming after him and not the Viscount. Is that true? The reason I ask is because I’m a huge soccer fan and all of my friends are super worried about him. Do you know if that was him? Do you know him? Do you know where he is?”
Everyone grew silent, and Joan saw Lissa slide her eyes to her new husband, apprehension in her gaze. Joan held her breath, fearing the worst. Maybe, something bad had happened to Antonio.
She twisted the napkin on her lap, afraid to look at Julio for fear his expression might reveal a truth she couldn’t bear to know. “Well, Susy,” Julio said, his tone was so pleasant that Joan allowed herself to glance at him. He was smiling broadly as he dabbed a napkin at the corner of his mouth. Joan noticed for the first time that he’d begun to grow a mustache. “In fact, I know exactly where he is because he was with us. That’s the reason we came home early, because Antonio wanted to come back.”
“He’s okay?” Susy blurted.
“You brought him back?” Joan said, as she gripped the side of the table to steady herself and looked first at Julio and then Lissa.
Lissa looked away, but Julio nodded to the two surprised fans of Antonio Ferraro.
“He heard about the public’s concerns and he didn’t want people to worry about him anymore. He’s holding a press conference about it here tomorrow, but Susy, I must warn you - we don’t want anyone to know until I make the announcement for the press conference.”
“Of course, I won’t say a word, I promise. I’m just glad he’s not dead or something.”
Joan wasn’t satisfied. She put down her napkin, pushed back her chair and got up.
“If Antonio is here I want to see him, right now. Where is he?”
Lissa jumped up. “Joan, wait, stop...”
But Joan was already leaving the room to go find him herself.
Of all the mean tricks to play. To make her worry, and be hanging out with Julio and Lissa the whole time. She didn’t want to speak to her sister. She could have at least told her....
“Joan, wait,” Lissa shouted. “He’s got too many problems. You shouldn’t get caught up in his life. He’s not worth it.”
Joan stopped. She didn’t understand anything. How could it change so much? Before, Antonio had abandoned her - or so she’d believed – because of her troubles with addiction. Now he was the one facing an addiction crisis. Just because he was gambling and it had almost gotten him killed, that didn’t make it any different than what she’d faced and conquered... or could conquer if she just stuck with her program.
She just wanted to see him, to hold him, to feel his living, breathing body in her arms one more time.
“I can’t just walk away, Lissa.”
She burst into tears and Lissa covered her in a hug.
“Oh, Joan,” Lissa said, as she wrapped her arms around her. “You don’t understand. He’s come back to turn himself in. Once he does, he’ll be ruined. Don’t you understand? I tried to tell Julio not to bring him here. I tried to tell him that you’d get over him if you went back to New York and had a little time.”
“He’s here? Here in this house?”
“Well, not exactly.”
“He’s back in the guest house?”
“Yes, but wait. Joan. Wait! He might go to jail for what he did.”
“I don’t care. I love him.” Joan started towards the back door to the foot path that would take her to Antonio.
“JOAN WAIT!” Lissa shouted.
Joan whirled. “I told you, I’m not going to abandon him. This could be his last night of freedom.”
“I know,” Lissa said, giving in. “I was just going to tell you that it would be faster to take the electric cart. It’s out front.”
Joan smiled at her sister and, picking up the skirts of the traditional Spanish house dress she’d worn for the occasion, hurried to the cart.
Her heart thumped with excitement as she sped toward the guest house, even as her mind told her that she needed to be cautious. There was a possibility that he didn’t want to see her. As she came out of the vineyards and pulled up on the road to the guest house near the vacant winery, her heart thumped when she saw lights in his room. She parked the cart and stumbled to the door, then took a moment to put herself together before knocking on the door.
She saw shadows move on the curtains, then heard the door open.
Antonio stood there. His face was drawn and sad, but his injuries had mostly healed.
“Joan,” he said, in a voice that was flat and held no emotion.
&
nbsp; She’d expected him to pull her in for a swoon-worthy kiss. But instead, he stepped forward and hugged her hard. She wasn’t sure, but she thought that a sob might have escaped his body.
He stepped back.
Joan wanted him. She moved towards him and tried to kiss him as she tugged at his clothes trying to undress him.
She didn’t care if he was a criminal. Whatever he’d done she would stand by him. She wanted him. She needed him. But, he didn’t respond.
“I can’t. I have people coming over, they’ll be here any minute.”
Joan panicked. Had he decided to turn himself in ahead of schedule? “No, Antonio, I won’t let you turn yourself in tonight, not before I have a chance to be with you one more time.”
The ghost of a smile crossed Antonio’s face, “What are you talking about?”
Joan wiped away tears with the back of her hand and sniffed. “What are you talking about?”
Outside, the sound of tires on gravel made them both turn towards the windows and Joan’s heart thumped. She instinctively gripped Antonio’s arm, not wanting to let him go to the door.
“Relax, it’s just some friends of mine from GA. We’re going to have a meeting here, you can stay if you want.”
“GA?” Joan said, in a daze, “Oh, right, gambler’s anonymous.”
A little bit of the hope that never seemed to leave her for long, bubbled up from deep inside her, as she watched Antonio’s troubled face relax into a grin as he greeted his friend. They all kissed both cheeks of Joan as they were introduced. Pablo, Ernesto and an older woman named Carmella sat down, and Joan set about making coffee for the group while they prepared to start their meeting.
They read from a very small book which talked about the disease of compulsive gambling. It had 12 Steps just like in AA, and Joan found the whole content very familiar. She’d been forced to call her sponsor after the wedding to deal with some of her recurring urges and her sponsor had suggested she download the Big Book of AA, which she’d done. Reading from it every morning and asking her higher power to hold off the urge another day had helped her tremendously. It warmed her heart to see Antonio so into his recovery.
Finally, they finished their reading and it was time to share.
“You want to tell us what the hell is going on?” Pablo asked.
“Actually I do, but on the advice of my attorney I’m going to just listen tonight.”
Everyone laughed. One by one the three GA members shared. When they finished, they asked Joan if she wanted to share. Joan decided that she did.
“My name is Joan, I’m in love with a compulsive gambler.”
Everyone smiled and Joan glanced over at Antonio and as she finished her words, wishing she could take them back as she seen him wince at the words, and look away from her. “I mean, I’m in love with his soccer skills.”
Everyone laughed again and Antonio chuckled. Good thought Joan, they were buying it. She hoped he knew she was just kidding.
For the rest of her short share, she said how she appreciated that sometimes compulsions and addictions could get the best of a person, any person. She talked about how she’d suffered from alcoholism, but was happiest when she was in recovery and working hard not to go there again. When she’d finished, there was silence in the room.
“Well, Antonio, whatever happens you know we’ll be there for you, so please keep in touch.”
“I will,” Antonio said as he let them out.
He put his arm around Joan’s shoulder, holding her to him as they drove away.
When they were gone, he turned her around.
“Did you mean that?” he said, “That you were in love with a compulsive gambler?”
Her heart banged in her chest. She couldn’t look him in the eye.
She felt his fingers lifting her chin. “Joan?”
Despite herself, she nodded. She couldn’t deny how she felt.
“Joan, I want you to know that I love you too, which is why I’m doing what I have to do tomorrow.”
Her eyes brimmed with tears. She gulped. He said he loved her, but her happiness was bittersweet. She understood what he was doing, but she didn’t like it. “I don’t want you to go to jail. Couldn’t we just run away somewhere, you and me? I could go pack right now, Lissa would understand.”
“Joan, you deserve better. I made a mistake and I’m willing to pay the price because once I have I can start my life over again as a new man. You and I can make a life together. That is, if you’re willing to have anything to do with a man who did what I did.”
“Oh, Antonio, I don’t care what you did, I love you, I want to be with you.”
They kissed, and then broke apart.
“Joan, let me tell you everything and then we’ll see if you still feel the same way.”
They sat on the bed sipping coffee and nibbling on the cookies brought by the older GA woman while Antonio told her everything - how he’d started gambling, how it had gotten out of control, and how he’d succumbed to the lure of the bookie.
“One night there was this opportunity and I didn’t have enough cash on me, because I’d been gambling it all away. This man comes up to me and offers me an unlimited credit. I was so insane at that point I thought I’d get the money back with a big win, so I agreed. But, then when I didn’t win, and I couldn’t make the first payment, they told me that I had to ...”
“Had to what?”
Antonio’s eyes filled with tears. “They told me that I had to fake an injury and excuse myself from the big game, so the competition would win.”
“And did you do it?”
Antonio’s face fell.
“Yes, and no.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’d decided I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t betray my teammates, my city, my team. Just before the twentieth minute, when I was supposed to get injured, I got fouled badly and my left ankle was pretty messed up. I saw my bookie in the stands, giving me the thumbs up as I lay there on the ground dying from the pain. If I could have moved, I would have gotten up and told the bastard that I hadn’t done it for him that I’d been fouled for real and he hadn’t influenced the game.
But, by then the pain was so intense that the trainer arrived. They took one look at my ankle and carted me off the field. I kept trying to insist that I was okay, but I wasn’t.”
“So, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I know, but someone took a tape to my manager with a recording of me agreeing to take a fall in exchange for forgiving my gambling debt. It didn’t include who I was making the promise to, it just implicated me. My manager confronted me on it and even though I’d already been placed on a legitimate injury leave, they extended it and basically kicked me off the team.”
“Oh, Antonio, I didn’t know.”
“Instead of throwing one game by not being there for my team, my gambling ended up making me unavailable for the rest of the season.”
“But, your team did okay without you didn’t they?”
Antonio smiled wryly. “I thought you didn’t follow soccer,”
“I don’t, but Julio was always talking to Marco about AC Milan, so he did it for me. But, if they won why were you still in trouble?”
“Whether my team lost or not wasn’t the point. The point was that my breaking the rules about not doing sports betting had made me a liability and they couldn’t trust me.”
“If the bookie was convinced you’d done it, then why didn’t your troubles go away after that?”
“Because, even after that incident I couldn’t stop gambling. I was basically cut off from my playing salary and given only the minimum non-playing salary, so I was feeling the pinch. I’d wasted a ton of money not just on gambling, but on living the high life. I did not have any money. When Dante came back to me and offered me a line of credit with an online sports book I couldn’t resist. I knew it was stupid, and I’ll regret that decision for the rest of my life, but there’s a part of it, I won’t’ regret.”
Joan gave him a puzzled look. “What’s that?”
“If I hadn’t needed to go to Barcelona to try and pawn the car, I would probably never agreed to attend the wedding in Barcelona. If I hadn’t come to Spain, then I’d probably never have run into you at the café. I might have never found you again.”
His voice cracked a little on those last words.
His fingers grazed the side of her face.
“Joan,” he said, his voice husky.
Joan gazed up at him, then her face got serious, and she pulled away.
“What is it?”
Joan’s brows furrowed and her jaw clenched. She looked him straight in the eyes. “I need to know why did you dump me in Milan?” She wanted to give her whole heart to him, but she couldn’t bear him abandoning her again like he had after the mishap in Milan.
It hadn’t been entirely her fault.
“I’m sorry about that, Joan, but you have to understand. I’d fallen in love with you even though I knew you were still in your addiction. I thought you were recovering on your own, and I came back from the away games with a ring in my pocket. When I found you in my apartment with all those druggie friends of yours trashing my house, and you sitting on some asswipe’s lap as he stuck his tongue down your throat – I snapped. I saw what I saw and there was nothing you could say to change it.”
Joan bowed her head. She didn’t remember him coming back, or how the party got started. She remembered her old modeling friend Rebecca knocking on her door, and then the next thing she knew she was staring at her picture, looking like a lunatic as Police carried her away while Antonio stood in the background cursing her.
“I’m sorry about that. I don’t know what happened, I honestly don’t remember any of it.”
“I know. I found out later, about a month after you – well – after you did what you did in my house.”
She’d been so despondent that he wouldn’t hear her out or give their love another chance that she’d broken into his house and tried to commit suicide by taking too many pills. He’d saved her life, and he’d called Lissa to come get her.
She’d just come out of rehab when he’d tried to reach her again, claiming he was in New York. She thought it was a booty call and during her rehab she’d vowed to forget about him, to never let him hurt her again, so she refused to take his call – then she blocked his number and that was the last she’d heard of him.